Teaching Independence

As I got out of my car at the gas station I noticed a lady at the pump just ahead of me with tears coming down her cheeks struggling with the nozzle. I approached her to see if I could be of assistance. She broke down even more as she told me her husband had just died and he had always handled this part of daily living. She had never put fuel in her car before. I instructed her how to remove the cap from the gas tank, insert her credit card, showed her how to remove the nozzle and select the grade of gasoline and then talked with her as she filled her car with gas. I got back in my car happy I could help yet mad at her husband for not teaching his wife to be independent enough to survive in this world we live in. I’m sure he felt it was his manly duty to chivalrously protect her. I assume it worked both ways, as there were probably things he had never done around the home that she always just handled too.

I compared this to a young friend that one of my children had while growing up. He was an only child and was doted on by his overly protective mother. She was divorced and only had her son to care for. He accompanied our family to a sports event while there we bought everyone a hotdog. As we were putting the condiments on our food he just stood there. I asked him if there was a concern and he gave me this lost look and said he had never prepared his hot dog before and needed help. This may not sound unusual but the young man was 16-years-old. This behavior is cute when they are two but at sixteen we have a problem. Our goal is to raise them to leave home, not enable them so they have to stay home!
I have thought much about the fine line in doing too much for our children and doing too little to help them. Our goal should be to teach them to be industrious and self-reliant. How do we teach them to fish so they can feed themselves?
In this short article let me expound on only two points that can make a difference in your child’s life. First is example. I had two sons who bicycled across the United States. Upon arriving home they talked about all the economically diverse areas they had pedaled through. They were astounded that in the middle of the day some families would be sitting on their porches just watching the world pass by. Grandfather, father and sons were all sitting there at a home that was broken down and in need of repair. This made a great impression on my sons and we talked about how generational patterns are passed down from father to son-to-son and so on. Idleness is a disease that is taught not caught. Make a difference in your family and, as parents, set the example of industry.

“It is work that spells the difference in life. It is stretching our minds and utilizing the skills of our hands that lift us from mediocrity” (“Pres. Hinckley” Church News, 31 January 1998, 3).

The second point is entitlement. Being compensated just because as individuals they exist is the wrong reason for receiving anything. You don’t get a car just because you turn 16. A day’s work for a day’s pay should be the rule not the exception. Just because you live in a family is not the reason for getting spending money. An allowance has value and meaning only when one puts forth commensurate work and takes upon oneself accountability. In a family unit everyone needs to pull together, chores should be expected. This teaches a responsibility outside of oneself and that we help take care of each other. A wise woman (my mother) once told me, “Never do anything for your children that they can do for themselves.”

The best concept you can teach your children is the joy in accountability and responsibility of oneself and those around them. There is a joy the comes in earning and paying your own way. We need to teach them how to fish to take care of their own needs but these teachings will be passed on to their own children as well. Your example and attitudes will influence generations yet to come.

“Work is therapy for the soul. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the gospel of work. We cannot simply sit around and do nothing and expect to be successful in spiritual or temporal things. We need to do all that is in our power to accomplish our goals, and the Lord will make up the difference.” Lessons Learned in the Journey of Life, By Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin