Stay On Target

During the holiday season my children asked me to watch the movie “Star Wars” with them so my crocheting came out as the DVD marathon began. We got to the part I the fourth episode as Luke Skywalker and his pilot comrades are on their mission to destroy the Death Star. To complete their goal they need to fly down a long narrow crevice, locate a small hole then send their weapon into it, which will start a chain reaction of destruction. They, of course, are flying at self-destruct speed. The camera is taking you on this journey with them which always makes me close my eyes so my stomach will not self destruct as well. While on the mission you see Luke’s buddies crashing and burning off the sidewalls as the enemy pursues them. You begin to understand the dangers they are up against. One wrong move sends them spiraling off their course. Luke has control command watching his progress and talking to him through his headset. These words rang into my own ears has I heard them telling Luke to, “Stay on target.” Over and over they repeated this directive to him, which helped him focus on the task at hand while not worrying about the chaos that was taking place all around him. These words of advice were repeated several times until finally another voice told him to, “Trust you senses,” so he turned off the radio. He was prepared to listen to the inner voice. In doing so he completed his goal, returned the hero and received his reward. This was a great end to a Hollywood drama.

We had a great Gospel discussion as we watched this part of the movie about life and how each of us have a mission to accomplish and how we need to stay focused while the world spins around us. I was not prepared for the call I got just a couple days later that brought this real life narrow crevice into reality. The surprise call was not from one of my children but a girl that I had watched grow up and had mentored thought her teen years. After a brief update on her life she informed me that she was getting married the next week to a non-member whom she had met just a few months before. I, of course, was secretly heartsick. My time for giving advice was over.

I became friends with this young woman in her teen years and watched as she earned her young women medallion. I observed her with pride as she became a leader among her friends and excelled in her talents. I shared the drama as she motivated her high school boyfriend to go on a mission while she went off to college. Everything looked promising in her life if she would just stay the course. Then the unpredictable happened. She lost sight of her long-term goals. As she went off to college the constant, “Stay on Target,” voices of mentors and friends were gone. Her missionary came home but she had changed too much him to reach his eternal goals. He went his own way. Money for school ran out so she had to drop out of college. Her life to her seemed to be in a spiral downward spin into that deep crevice. When life got hard she lost sight of what she really wanted. She forgot to listen to the spirit voice that would have guided her through this momentary trial.

We women are not only mothers to our own children but we influence everyone with whom we come in contact. I’m sure you’ve heard the cliché, “It take a village to raise a child.” I find this to be true. My own children are better people because of their association with others. Sometimes it is easier for young people to ask advice from a third party rather than their own parents. I am grateful for everyone who has reinforced my values and stands to my children as they have expanded their center of influence.

I have thought over and over what happened in this young women’s life? Where did the voices go telling her to, “ Stay on Target?” Did I let her down by not keeping in contact with her? Was her preparation to listen to her own inner voice not complete? I many never know the answers to these questions and it may not be any of these scenarios but I can’t help but wonder.

I’ve heard the saying several times that, “Sometimes we trade what we want most for the things we want now.” In our world of instant gratification many of our children want a quick happiness not realizing that true happiness takes years to achieve with many struggles along the way. I wondered if in the lessons I taught this young woman that maybe I prepared her for a wedding instead of a marriage? The two are totally different. One is momentary, an event, whereas the other is eternal. My lessons taught will have a new focus from now on. My own children will be told over and over again that the moment is fleeting. Choices and more importantly their consequences are long lasting sometimes even eternal.

My young friend who has made a choice in her life that I would have advised against has not self-destructed. She will continue on and her path will just bring other challenges and choices that she will have to make decisions on. It is my attitude that has changed because of her. I will not let her down again. It may be a different face next time but I have learned form the past. I will always be ther3e to gently say, “Stay on target,” to the children in my realm of influence. We all need that mentor no matter how old we get to remind us what it is, “we really want most!”

Rebellion in the Ranks

Someone commented on my monthly articles observing, “I see you never write about wayward children because you’ve never experienced that.” I have often reflected on her comment … having a large family we have experienced numerous challenges. We often hear, “life is the best teacher” and it is. I have come to realize you can also learn the lessons of life without going to the extreme depth of any experience.  Every child rebels at varies levels and degrees. The principles a parent applies in dealing with wayward behaviors are the same regardless of the degree. Not one family is exempt from rebellion in the ranks, only the degree of rebellion.

Our family’s goal early on was to have all our sons and daughters serve missions. To date seven have or are serving missions and our last daughter is preparing.  Each missionary has spoken a different language, adjusted to different customs and worked under different mission presidents who had their own leadership style and attitudes on the work.   Their missions were totally different from one another in circumstances and challenges but the point is all my children returned home with the same results, having gained stronger testimonies, tolerance for others and a love for the people they served.  Further they all came home ready to get on with their lives in a productive way. They achieved the same knowledge even though they all served in different countries with different companions, mission presidents and cultures. This made me realize we don’t need to personally experience the exact same circumstances to gain understanding and compassion for what others go through. 

A friend telephoned me complaining about her young son’s annoying behavior. His speech was always negative, disagreeable and his behavior towards those of lesser physical stature was just short of being a bully. What is the reason for his behavior? What does he really need?  These are the probing questions a parent should consider when analyzing negative behavior as opposed to merely receiving advice to “Hold onto your hats and enjoy the ride.”  In reality the way a parent handles each circumstance of their children will set the foundation and precedent for them either to continue in that behavior or to alter and modify their behavior into their teens and adult life.

Great advice I once received was to “act, don’t react.” Try to understand what your children want from you and why. Then treat the cause of that behavior not the behavior itself.  I know this is theory but the principles are always the same.  Rebellion does not start when one becomes a teenager because behavior is a learned habit and begins as a toddler.   The challenging role of motherhood requires molding young personalities to develop positive attitudes and attributes, this is not an easy task and requires years of effort…what is easy is having a career and going to work everyday.  I admire you young mothers who are choosing the more difficult yet more rewarding path.

I know these thoughts may not be comforting to those whose children are at a deeper level of rebellion but the gospel gives each of us hope.  Joseph Smith remarked, “When a seal is put upon the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost, but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their father and mother.” He also stated, “Our Heavenly Father is more liberal in His views, and boundless in His mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive.” The temple blessings that we are all entitled to are the binding ties that will save our families.  Because of Jesus Christ, the sins of this generation can be taken away and this gives us knowledge that our children will be not only forgiven but also saved.  Never lose hope in that reality and gift.  As parents we may not feel we can influence the inner thoughts of our children but we can direct our own thoughts and actions.  We need to live the gospel the best we can and show the unconditional love that our Savior demonstrated through his example. 

You don’t need to have a rebellious child to gain what the Savior has sent us here to learn as we each are serving a different mission so to speak. But for those parents who are challenged with extremely rebellious children we learn from and admire you as you show unconditional love. We gain compassion and understanding from you. Our admiration may never take the sting away or give you comfort especially when the crowds are gone, the doors are shut and you are left alone with your concerns but the example you are teaching all of us about being the parents the Lord desires is exemplary. For that I say thank you for being the way you are and for teaching us how to be Christ like.

Weakness of Youth

We have all heard the phrase, “The weakness of youth.” I was reflecting upon that concept the other day and came to the conclusion that the only inherent “weakness” teens have is “lack of experience.” The challenge for teens is in their ability or inability to listen and seek advice from one who has experienced a particular situation before.

Now that I’m an adult, I can better comprehend the wise words of Cicero who said, “He who studies only his own generation always stays a child.” I remember as a teen, sitting in a standards night when my Stake President introduced the concept to me of not dating until you are 16 years of age.  This was the first time I had heard such a guideline and remember thinking to myself… “What does he know about dating? Look how old he is!”  I didn’t consider my lack of experience nor did I comprehend or value his years of experience. I have since learned how wise his counsel really was.

A while ago I was with a group of teenagers who were all passing around teen and fashion magazines and talking about who’s who in the movies.  I couldn’t help but wonder whose values these teens were internalizing. I reflected upon the movie stars they were idolizing. In just a short time, these celebrities will no longer be in the limelight nor will the trends and fashions they set.  These movie stars are not like the stars in the sky, which are constants and guide us when we are lost and need direction.  They are more like the supernova, a star that bursts into extreme brilliance only to disappear within a short time from the world’s view. Those who adore and worship these stars will drift in the world until the next trendsetter appears when they will again emulate yet another’s trends and value system. My life’s experience has seen this happen over and over again.

Contrast that experience with the activity our youth had at mutual a while back.  They were asked to read an issue of The New Era and then play a game using the knowledge learned from the magazine.  The concepts and trends they read about from The New Era magazine are constant, enabling those who read and apply to gain their own permanence of light. We should keep our bearings and direction by the stars… but the right ones that are constant and true, not the stars we see on the cover of sports, teen or music magazines. 

As mom’s we can help our teens find their bearings.  We cannot keep our teens locked away.  They must mature while sifting through the myriads of messages and directions they receive from the world. We can provide them a compass of truth within our homes.  To illustrate this, the term I would like to use is “Mormonize your home.” Control your home’s environment with good music, good books, including Church publications, uplifting artwork on your walls (not teen idols), clean atmosphere, kind words of encouragement, laughter, conversation around inspiring and uplifting words from wise leaders, anything that is virtuous, lovely, praiseworthy or of good report… and the list could go on.  All these concepts will help your teen see a contrast in the world of, “Whom should I be like?” “Who should I follow?” 

True stars are steady and constant giving off light that it receives from the sun (Son).  When following the North Star its direction is always sure keeping you on a true path.  This sounds to me like a wise Stake President giving admonition and counsel at a standards night.  The stars we should emulate and follow should be our prophets, general authorities, wise parents, wise leaders and teachers who have had experience to make up for our own lack of it. Yes, people who are older, who have had been where you are today.

Hopefully it will be said about our children…“They are young but study old books,” old books that have experience.

The Strength of Our Nation

I am awed at some of the shocking news stories carried by the media which causes me to ponder the changes in attitudes and culture our nation has gone through over the past 100 years.  I sense that a century ago families stayed close, read a book for entertainment at night and worked together more.  Pre-meditated violent crime seems to have been less frequent and moral values were of a higher standard. I question if the media today along with technology simply places our nation’s decay at the forefront because of sensationalism.  The world today seems to be focused on the evil all around us.  My children are exposed daily to topics and visual stimulation that I never would have dreamed would confront them. If I as a teenager would have been transplanted into today’s world…I would have been appalled because of my generation’s innocence.   Today we take the world in stride as just the way it is.   Technological advances have so much potential for good, yet certain forces likewise capitalize on them to advance evil.  It makes me consider that the war in heaven is still raging for our very souls.

In pondering this topic I came across a chapter in the book, Standing for Something by President Gordon B. Hinckley.  His remarks are so timely with all the issues that face us as a nation today.   It is sound advice for us as mothers to help protect our families.  The following are excerpts from his book concerning how the strength of our nation depends on the strength of our homes.

President Hinckley counsels, “Society’s problems arise, almost without exception, out of the homes of the people.  If there is to be a reformation, if there is to be a change, if there is to be a return to old and sacred values, it must begin in the home.

There is no place, no environment more conducive to the development of virtue than the family.  The health of any society, the happiness of its people, their prosperity and their peace, all find their roots in the teaching of children by fathers and mothers, and in the strength and stability of the family unit. It is also the most fundamental and basic unit of society.  It deserves focus and attention. We go to great lengths to preserve historical buildings and sites in our cities.  We need to apply the same fervor to preserving the most ancient and sacred of institutions, the family… Here are some suggestions how…

1. Accept responsibility for our role as parents and fulfill our obligations to our children.

2. Put the father back at the head of the home. Too many families have been denied the leadership and stabilizing influence of a good and devoted father who stands at the side of an able and caring mother in gently disciplining, and prayerfully helping the children for whom they are a father to. Who better than a father to teach his children what the role of a father should be…one who provides, defends, counselors, listens, gives support when needed, teaches the value of education and the miracle of self esteem that only a father can give.

3. Recognize and value the supreme importance of mothers. Mothers provide inspiration and balance; they constitute a reservoir of faith and good works.  They are an anchor of devotion and loyalty and accomplishment. As the keepers of the home, they give encouragement to their husbands and they teach and nurture their children. They provide security, peace, companionship, love and motivation to grow and do well. Women who make a house a home make a far greater contribution to society than those who command large armies or stand at the head of impressive corporations.  Who can put a price tag on the influence a mother has on her children, a grandmother on her posterity, or aunts and sisters on their extended family?

4. Celebrate and treat children as our most priceless treasures. Our lives have become intensely fast-paced and full of busyness.  If our children are really our greatest treasures, it stands to reason that they deserve our greatest attention. The more time we spend together, the greater the potential for deepening bonds of love, loyalty, trust and devotion. 

5. Discipline and train children with example. There is an old proverb that states, “As the twig is bent, so the tree is inclined.”  The primary place for building a value system is in the home. If the home inflicts harshness, abuse, uncontrolled anger, dishonesty, immorality, and disloyalty, the fruits will be certain and in all likelihood, repeated in the generation that follows.  If, on the other hand, there is forbearance, forgiveness, respect, consideration, kindness, mercy, and compassion, the fruits again will follow onto the next generation as well.  The example of wise, fair, honest, and loving parents will do more than anything else in impressing on the minds of children the important principles they need to adopt in their own lives.  

6. Teach values to children. The most important value to teach children is to teach civility toward others.  The world is an example of hatred towards others of another group.  Why all this upheaval?  It comes of the fact that for generations in the homes of that land, hatred has been taught.  Hatred for those of ethnic roots that is different than their own.  The tragedy is the bitter fruit of seeds of hatred sown in the hearts of children by their parents.  We can protect America against conflict between ethnic groups by teaching tolerance and love in our home. Conflict among the races and religions will fade when all of us recognize that we are all part of one great family, valued equally by our Father.”

Barbara Bush said in a graduation commencement speech at Wellesley College, an all-women institution, “Your success as a family – our success as a society – depends not on what happens at the White House, but on what happens inside your house.”

President Hinckley’s words are a great example of the value of a living prophet to guide us in these troubled times.  Let’s evaluate our homes and the influence we have to strengthen and teach our children to be good citizens and to make a valuable contribution to our society. 

Setting The Standard

I love this time of year as our family conversations turn toward France as we read daily the latest updates about Lance Armstrong as he is racing with his teammates in the Tour de France.  I have my children’s undivided attention because I am talking about a sport they like. I like this sport too, but for a different reason.  It gives me an opportunity to take a topic they are interested in and teach them gospel principles.  The Tour de France is perfect for this.  I’ve learned through the years that one should never miss an opportunity to take life and apply the gospel to it.   When this is accomplished those moments of teaching and learning become your child’s value system.

I am no expert on the rules and strategy of bike racing but I do know and understand the basics or the “female version”.  The race is done in several stages with an allotted amount of miles in each stage. The teams race across all kinds of terrain, in all kinds weather and as they do this, they encourage each other to keep going and to do their best. There is a winner for each individual stage but the overall winner has the best time of all stages of the race.  They have rest days and in some places they have transfers where they are taken by vehicle to the next starting point.  Finally the overall leader is given a yellow jersey to wear.  It sets him apart to show everyone who is in the lead and who they need to strive to match.

So, what does this have to do with gospel principles? 

We have had discussions on the different stages of our own lives.  In some stages we do better in than other stages, while some are smooth others are more difficult, but it is the overall race that really counts and how we are judged.  We can always do better the next stage by overcoming our weaknesses and setting goals that will improve our position in the next stage. (Set goals and make repentance a part of living. It is the striving that is your best ally).

Working together as a team and not being in this life for yourself just makes the race more fun and it is always easier when you surround yourself with teammates who have the same finish line to work toward.  You really do help each other win the race you are in.  (Choose your friends wisely.)

There are days that you need to rest.  Choose activities that rejuvenate you mentally, and spiritually.  This rest is really a step forward. It prepares you for the next stage of the race. (The Sabbath day is needed.)

Transfer days are going to happen and sometimes you need to rely on others to help you get to where you need to be.  (The best gift we can give is to serve others and to let others serve you when you are in need.)

The most important lesson, in my opinion, about this sport is the yellow jersey that the leader wears.  It sets him apart from everyone else.  He sets the standard of excellence.  He is the one that everyone looks for and watches. He is where everyone is striving to be. He is the example.  (Be the leader.  Someone needs to set the standard.  Sometimes it is lonely in the front but the scenery is always better.)

Ask your children as they walk out the door for their day in the world… Is your yellow jersey on?  They will know exactly what you mean and what is expected of them.

Breaking Bad Discipline Habits

Being a mother is the greatest sign of love and trust that our Father in Heaven could ever give us.  As I was watching our grandchildren I was struck with awe regarding their guileless behavior. They radiate genuine purity and such innocent qualities. I never really thought about this while raising my own children. I probably was too busy with the day-to-day schedule of survival to notice this quality.  The thought came to me how we have been entrusted with these little spirits in their most perfect state in life. I’m not saying that purity can only be in childhood, but I concluded never again is that child so naturally Christ-like and pure. Somehow as individuals we struggle as we get older with being humble, submissive and teachable. The natural man seems to creep in some how. How lucky we are to be given these almost perfect children in this stage of their growth during the eternities.

Several years ago when we first opened Ensign Books our front door displayed a sign which read “pull”, leftover from the previous tenant.  Our front door actually swings both ways so whether one would push or pull it makes no difference.  We were saddened, however, when mothers, although infrequent, would verbally berate their child for pushing instead of pulling. “Can’t you read?” or “Don’t you pay attention.  The sign says pull!” We could see how the scolding was damaging to a child’s self esteem, when in reality, it made no difference whether the door was pushed or pulled. After one too many of these situations we removed the “pull” sign from the door.  

It makes me wonder if everyone would treat their children with more kindness and respect if we could see a child through eternal eyes.  The above experience and countless others of improper parent/child discipline breaks my heart.  I’m sure you have had the experience also of wanting to reach out and wrap your arms around a crying child as the parent berates them in public.  Discipline needs to happen but in what manner?  It is possible to discipline with respect shown to the child and thus resulting in a positive experience rather than a damaging one. 

Here are some pointers that will aid in disciplining. Now I’m past the stage of raising small children I see the wisdom in correcting behavior with love and kindness that shows respect to the child.  Replace the tactics that don't work with ones that do.

Nagging… We all nag. And we all know how fruitless it is. Either your child resorts to not telling the truth ("I did clean my room! Really!") or he learns to tune you out. Try this instead: Use eye contact and state your expectations as calmly as possible. Fewer words are better. Instead of saying, "How many times do I have to tell you not to eat in the living room?" say, "No eating in the living room." And try not to load up on commands. It's better for him to do one thing (put on his shoes) than hear a whole string of orders.

Yelling…What is true of nagging is doubly true of yelling -- we all do it, and we all feel guilty every time we do. Even if it does occasionally get results, it just teaches your child that it's OK to raise his voice when he's angry. Try this instead: A proper scolding names the misbehavior at hand. Your child really does need to know what he's done wrong, as long as you don't raise your voice or lose your temper.

Turning requests into questions…It's a hard habit to break, especially after years of asking your young child rhetorical questions as a way of making conversation -- "How about a little breakfast now? Doesn't that sound good?" Try this instead: State, don't ask. Remember to frame your expectations in a polite, respectful manner by adding "please" and "thank you": "I need you to turn off the TV now and start getting ready, please."

Issuing empty warnings…A good warning can be an effective discipline strategy. The problem comes when you threaten in anger, grossly exaggerate ("If you do that again, I'm not taking you outside all day"), or fail to be specific ("You'll be sorry!").Try this instead: Make your warnings more specific and immediate. ("I'm warning you. If you don't give that toy back to your sister, I'm going to have to put you in time-out.") Use a calm, firm tone of voice that makes it clear you're in control.

Apologizing… Saying you are sorry when you've made a mistake is an act that strengthens your bond with your kids. But even a young child can sense when your apology isn't heartfelt, and constantly saying sorry for the same mistake wears thin. Try this instead: Make a genuine effort to cut back on, for instance, yelling. There are actually two parts to an apology -- your words and your actions.

Giving the cold shoulder…While removing a privilege can be an effective penalty, turning away from your child when she wants to kiss and make up or giving her the silent treatment after she's misbehaved can make her feel unworthy of your love and affection. Try this instead: Tell your child how upset you are. Just do it calmly without making her feel rejected. Your aim is to make it clear that it's the behavior that's driving you crazy, not her.

It is an uplifting thought that children have been given to us to teach, love, protect and care for in their most innocent stage of development.  The gift of motherhood allows us to see these little spirits at this pure state in life and before the veil is totally closed.  I find it very humbling that we have been given this responsibility. As they grow older and loose their innocence we give them back to our Heavenly Father. He then finishes what we started.  They become great adults as He encourages them to become once again… like a child. He sends them to us perfect and we send them back to him rather imperfectly for polishing and for the finishing touches.