Nobody is a Nobody

I have taken on the project of transferring all our home movies from VHS to DVD that becomes more time consuming as I stop to savor the memories. One tape, filmed at least 15 years ago of my oldest son’s high school choir group, came alive with the faces and personalities that we were so close to long ago. I reminisced about their immature high school behavior as well as their talents and capabilities. I instantly recalled how I felt about them and could even remember how I treated them.

I don’t know what has happened to all those teenagers, now in their mid-thirties, except the few who still have ties to our community. From that group came an attorney, several schoolteachers, two doctors, an opera singer, a Hollywood playwright, a couple of accountants and some wonderful mothers and fathers. Unfortunately some have chosen paths or lifestyles that are detrimental to happiness. Looking at those faces I asked myself, “Did I treat those teens while I was in their circle of influence with the respect they deserved?” Had I known that Josh, for example, was going to become a famous opera star, would I have acted differently towards him, likewise for the attorney or doctors? Maybe there is wisdom in not knowing the profession they will choose because every child should be treated with the same respect, as if their talents and abilities were equal.

Whenever I become aware of an adult who is disrespectful to a child my heart aches, especially if it is my child. The mother bear comes out and I want to lash out at the adult who thinks my child isn’t worthy of their consideration and respect. But how grateful I am when an adult sees my child as worthy of notice and aids him or her towards success outside my influence.

I remember being told about Josh, the opera singer, when he first entered the choir room. Running with the wrong crowd, looking rather rebellious and heading down a difficult path, the choir teacher encouraged him to fulfill his fine arts requirement with her class. The rest is history… hidden talent developed that propelled him into a life that others only dream of. Where would he be if the choir teacher hadn’t nurtured his potential?

We all have experience with the disruptive child in Primary and we say to ourselves… “And to think he may be a Bishop one day.” We never know the future individual in our classroom nor the full understanding of the great spirits sent into our homes to mother. Treating everyone with celestial respect can only influence him or her for the better. Will our association be a positive influence?

I recently read a book about a Nun who wanted to be released from her vows and return to life outside the convent. She described herself in a way that has remained with me long after finishing the book, stating, “I am like a clear pane of glass. When it is broken and damaged it can be replaced within a short amount of time and will appear as if nothing ever was broken!” Her point being she could be easily replaced. Her statement has haunted me that someone would feel so unimportant. I have learned that nobody is a Nobody. Everyone is unique and important. In contrast to her analogy I personally feel that we are like stained glass with each piece uniquely made with color blends, shades and shapes. When placed within a group forming a beautiful design because of the addition of its color and shape, contributing to the beauty already there. When a piece of stained glass is broken it can never be replaced by an identical piece. Its uniqueness can never be duplicated exactly. Further stained glass is the most brilliant when the light of the sun (Son) flows through it. A principle all children need to know is they are irreplaceable. No one can accomplish a task just like they would. They add to family and society and make it better because of who they are.

Our children are somebodies and they are important somebodies. We are given glimpses of their potential and can guide them to what they will become. Treat your child with the respect of that potential and they’ll reach it. I cannot think of a more rewarding job than that as “Mother.”

Living Life to the Minimum

This past month we have seen many people pass away, both well known celebrities who have made national and world news as well as people close to us like our next door neighbor, known to only a few, in the prime of his life and leaving a young family. This has caused me much reflection on life. I’m grateful the Lord in his wisdom hasn’t sent us to earth with an expiration date stamped on our foreheads, as serious contemplation takes place when you ponder about the unknown.  Would we be kinder to others, live life to the fullest or procrastinate until the last moment if we knew our expiration date, when this life would end? I think the test of life is in the not knowing yet living as if we do.

We are always reviewing the “Thou Shalt Not” of the Ten Commandments. Consider, however, the concept of not living a “Thou Shalt Not” life but focusing instead on a higher law of filling mortality with as much good as you can. Have your existence focus on the ‘what we can do’ instead of the ‘what we cannot’ do. Living a life to the fullest rather than living a life to the minimum to just get by. To illustrate this concept I remember a young man in one of my college classes who approached the professor and arrogantly said… “Hey, I’m a busy person and I just need to pass this class.  Tell me exactly what I have to do to get a “C” and that’s what I’ll do.”  I consider his mindset representing the “min/max” life. What must I do to get through this life with the least amount of effort?

Mediocrity is always at its best, as it knows nothing better.  Yet nowhere in the gospel of Jesus Christ are we admonished to be mediocre. Though Christ will accept us, however, we come to Him, His admonition is always to stretch beyond our current attainments. Living a minimum life is so contrary to our God given nature. David A. Bednar stated, “The gospel of Jesus Christ encompasses much more than avoiding, overcoming, and being cleansed; it also essentially entails doing good, being good and becoming better.”  Liahona. November, 2007. Living a life to just accomplish the minimum robs not only ourselves but everyone around us of the fullness of life.

In our materialistic society one often contemplates what can be achieved monetarily as opposed to how one might grow, progress and become a better person for doing it. We should encourage all to excel to the best of their ability in all they do, instead of concentrating on the least they can do and still achieve their ultimate goals.

In Relief Society the other day a sister made the comment, “Did we come here as mothers knowing everything? No, we really are just learning as we go!”  That is a very correct statement! If we are learning as we go I ask myself, “What would I do starting now to develop in my children a “do-the-maximum-in-everything-they-do” attitude and to not be happy with just getting by with the minimum?”  I would work along side my child and teach them to work hard and have fun while doing so.  I would praise their growth and encourage excellence. I would never be critical of a good effort. I would reward extra effort not mediocrity.

Just a thought to ponder… The time will come when the work you do to support your family financially will end. Though many in life receive their self-esteem from their professions, what has more lasting significance is the kind of person you have become.  The years of education and experience that benefit you are essential but how you share that with others along with the character development is what brings happiness. The fullness of life that we all hear about is really integrity, kindness, thoughtfulness, people skills, and a collection of friends and family.  If I recall we are suppose to have joy and rejoicing in our posterity it doesn’t mention prosperity. Living life to the minimum instead of the maximum is a matter of choice, just doing the least to get by or doing all you can to excel and improve. One is very self-serving; the other is Christ-like and selfless. Your choice!

Weakness of Youth

We have all heard the phrase, “The weakness of youth.” I was reflecting upon that concept the other day and came to the conclusion that the only inherent “weakness” teens have is “lack of experience.” The challenge for teens is in their ability or inability to listen and seek advice from one who has experienced a particular situation before.

Now that I’m an adult, I can better comprehend the wise words of Cicero who said, “He who studies only his own generation always stays a child.” I remember as a teen, sitting in a standards night when my Stake President introduced the concept to me of not dating until you are 16 years of age.  This was the first time I had heard such a guideline and remember thinking to myself… “What does he know about dating? Look how old he is!”  I didn’t consider my lack of experience nor did I comprehend or value his years of experience. I have since learned how wise his counsel really was.

A while ago I was with a group of teenagers who were all passing around teen and fashion magazines and talking about who’s who in the movies.  I couldn’t help but wonder whose values these teens were internalizing. I reflected upon the movie stars they were idolizing. In just a short time, these celebrities will no longer be in the limelight nor will the trends and fashions they set.  These movie stars are not like the stars in the sky, which are constants and guide us when we are lost and need direction.  They are more like the supernova, a star that bursts into extreme brilliance only to disappear within a short time from the world’s view. Those who adore and worship these stars will drift in the world until the next trendsetter appears when they will again emulate yet another’s trends and value system. My life’s experience has seen this happen over and over again.

Contrast that experience with the activity our youth had at mutual a while back.  They were asked to read an issue of The New Era and then play a game using the knowledge learned from the magazine.  The concepts and trends they read about from The New Era magazine are constant, enabling those who read and apply to gain their own permanence of light. We should keep our bearings and direction by the stars… but the right ones that are constant and true, not the stars we see on the cover of sports, teen or music magazines. 

As mom’s we can help our teens find their bearings.  We cannot keep our teens locked away.  They must mature while sifting through the myriads of messages and directions they receive from the world. We can provide them a compass of truth within our homes.  To illustrate this, the term I would like to use is “Mormonize your home.” Control your home’s environment with good music, good books, including Church publications, uplifting artwork on your walls (not teen idols), clean atmosphere, kind words of encouragement, laughter, conversation around inspiring and uplifting words from wise leaders, anything that is virtuous, lovely, praiseworthy or of good report… and the list could go on.  All these concepts will help your teen see a contrast in the world of, “Whom should I be like?” “Who should I follow?” 

True stars are steady and constant giving off light that it receives from the sun (Son).  When following the North Star its direction is always sure keeping you on a true path.  This sounds to me like a wise Stake President giving admonition and counsel at a standards night.  The stars we should emulate and follow should be our prophets, general authorities, wise parents, wise leaders and teachers who have had experience to make up for our own lack of it. Yes, people who are older, who have had been where you are today.

Hopefully it will be said about our children…“They are young but study old books,” old books that have experience.

Walk the Talk

The other day at work I had a young mother approach me about her family.  Some of her siblings were not active in the Church and had made decisions that were leading them further and further away from gospel principles. Her heart was breaking as she watched them making choices that took them away from the gospel and what she knew to be important. They had all joined the Church as a young family when she was just a little girl and were active off and on during her growing up years.  She asked me for advice on something that would motivate them to get back on track.  I knew she desired a magic solution or event that would demonstrate to her siblings how wrong their choices are and would cause them to return back to living the gospel. 

I listened to her and could empathize with her sorrow.  I watched her two small children holding onto her skirt while teasing each other.  This scene, as they looked up at their mother with innocence, reminded me of a Rockwell painting!  How could I explain that in life and the maturing process comes the realization that the family you grew up in has passed to some extent?  The magical solution she wants for the family she was raised in now needs to transfer to her husband and children that she is raising and teaching. The solution isn’t magical at all. She must realize that life is not one event but a process involving rules, habits and events of consistent daily living and walking the talk of gospel living.

I do not have a doctorate degree in raising children but I have learned by watching and by example.  I know the value of having Family Home Evening even before the Church wrote the FHE manual. I remember my feelings when I heard my father say in a tithing settlement that he was a full tithe payer. I remember the great times we had as siblings when my parents were at the temple each month and also the family prayers each morning as we knelt by the kitchen table as we began our day.  I have often wondered what happens to a child when they live with inconsistency and a double standard that parents can sometimes have. 

I know that my parents did not watch R rated movies after the children were in bed.  They did not teach us to be honest and then cheat in their business dealings. We knew that Sunday was the Sabbath and used it as quiet family time.  My parents always had callings and we talked about gospel topics in our home.  Our home was a place of peace, trust and safety insulated from worldly influences. When associating with friends who suggested something contrary to what I knew was correct I was given permission to say, “My parents are mean and they won’t let me!” That phrase was my best excuse to stay on track.  My parents were examples of consistency in “walking the talk.”  I’ve learned that children learn more by what is done rather than what is said. Life is a process of many events not just one magical moment.

There is wisdom in following the words and admonitions that the gospel suggests. In The Parents Guide: Principles for Teaching Children it states, “The scriptures tell us that God ‘is the same … yesterday, today, and forever’ (D&C 20:12). Our Heavenly Father’s undeviating truth in word and deed permitted the Savior to trust his Father’s teachings and submit to the will of his Father. Similarly, our children will be more likely to believe our teachings and follow our examples if we strive to be consistent.”

Being an example and loving unconditionally is what this young mother can do for her siblings and parents but her children are like a blank canvas ready to be painted.  Her influence there is limitless by her example, love, kindness and consistency in living the gospel and applying those principles into their lives and home environment.  There is power in example by “Walking the Talk,” and joy in its rewards.

Be What You Know

In the book Abraham Lincoln’s Philosophy of Common Sense is the famous quote of Lincoln honoring his mother, “All that I am, all that I hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” We have all heard that quote before but are you aware of what his mother said to him just before she passed away? Her last words to him were, “Be something, Abe.” I have wondered how many times Abraham Lincoln reflected on those words as he was making choices in his own life as the years went by. Those words, “Be something,” express every mother’s desire as we look upon our children and wish only wonderful things for them.  But just as Abe’s mother was not with him while he was making life’s daily choices, neither can we always be with our children as they make every choice in life. 

We can only hope that they will become what they know and what we have taught them to be. How many times have you heard the phrase said, “That sounds just like your mother or father?” Because, like it or not, for good or bad, our children become like us and take on our characteristics and judgments in making choices.  They internalize our examples as they watch us. Sometimes self-evaluation of our own choices will benefit our children in theirs’.

Events in my life lately have caused me to contemplate the power we have in our own lives and the power to direct that life just by the choices we make.  While reading one of my daughter’s Harry Potter books, Dumbledore, with all his wisdom, tells Harry, “It’s not your accomplishments that make you who you are, it is your choices.”  Those sage words have come into my mind several times this past month. 

We attended a medical school graduation ceremony where 150 students were being honored for their accomplishments.  I feel their success that day did not just start four years ago when they entered the classroom.  Further, it was not just one choice, but several choices, that brought them to this point in their lives.  When did those choices begin?  Who helped them make those choices or was it solely all their own doing?  Did every student get out of his or her education the same thing?  These are rhetorical questions only presented to invoke thought and I personally don’t know if there is any one answer to them as there are so many variables in life.

After rearing my own children and working with others in various callings and organizations it amazes me that this concept of choice can lead them in so many different directions.  One’s educational or occupational path is not better than another path, just different and tailored to one’s personality and talents.  I do feel, however, that every choice begins with a seed or suggestion or encouragement.  This is where we mothers come in.  These graduating students did not get there solely on their own aspiration.  Yes, they provided the discipline, but that cheering section in the audience with their support and encouragement gave an added boost.  These students had a team of teachers, peer support and examples to help them complete their choice but the main aspiration and encouragement of their choice probably came from their parents.  This goes for every child as they make choices during their formative years.

I just returned from taking 38 high school choral students and chaperones to New York City.  I planned and arranged everything and scheduled events so we would always be together except for a little free time to explore.  I was amazed that even though we all went to the same places, so many different experiences were later shared.  I realized that it was their individual choices of attitude and exploration that made the experience either wonderful or unsatisfactory.  The unique point here is it was their choice! Going to NYC and having a great time is insignificant compared to a major life altering decision. Choice is not appreciated until it is taken away and sometimes a bad choice can alter the rest of one’s life. I just heard from a friend that her 16-year-old daughter was pregnant and getting married.  Somewhere in this young lady’s life decisions were made that led to this crossroad in her life.  Things will never be the same for her. The accountability from her choice is now in effect.

I don’t know the secret to help youth make wise choices in their lives. With so many different personalities in the world all reacting differently I’m sure there isn’t any set answer.   If I did know, however, I could make millions selling that information.  For sure, experience is the best teacher and a child will learn from mistakes as well as wise choices.  I also know that a child needs to learn early about making mistakes. Feeling the results of bad choices will prevent him/her from making additional poor choices.  We mothers cannot helicopter in and rescue or defend their actions.  No doubt this is sometimes easier said than done.  The Lord gave us mothers the innate capacity to love and protect our children but there are times when they fail and need to feel the pain of their unwise choices.

My son is spending his summer half way around the world in Japan. Driving to the airport I kept reiterating the checklist of “do’s and don’ts”. He kept saying, “I know, Mom, I know” accompanied with that sigh confirming that he had heard it all before.  I paused, looked at him and said…. “Well, my son, be what you know!” Those were my last words to him!  I could tell that the time had come when he was done with my advice and admonitions. I felt a sense of relief come over me because the transfer of accountability had just taken place. His choices are forever his own along with the results of those choices. 

My last words were not “Be something!” but my words meant the same thing.  The transfer of power to make choices and own the consequences from those choices are now on his shoulders even though I haven’t passed away.   Saying this to your children… “Be what you know!” empowers them to make wise choices because deep down they will remember your counsel.  We can only hope they will reflect on these four words as they make daily choices in their lives.

The Greatest Gift

This past month has given me an opportunity to reflect on the greatest gift that has ever been given to me, that of being a woman.  Just this past week I had the experience of being in the in the delivery room at the birth of our first granddaughter.  Tears came to my eyes as I watched my daughter’s reaction of joy and excitement as her new baby girl drew in her first breath and began to cry. Everyone in the room, nurses and doctor, was a woman, except my son-in-law who the doctor allowed to assist in the delivery because he is a medical student. I listened with interest to all the comments made.  Emotions were expressed by everyone but I noticed the difference between male and female. The females spoke of feelings while the male comments were more clinical. One is not better than the other just different. I realized once again that these feelings we share as women are a gift to us.  Men have to cultivate and work on these tender feelings that we women have an abundance of.

Women share the same divine role. The process of giving birth, however, is not what makes us women.  Rather, it is the compassion to feel as others feel, having charity and a desire to make everything better, the ability to love so deeply that it can be felt, feelings that bring tears to our eyes, joy to our hearts and sorrow to the very depths of our souls. The feelings in that delivery room, both spoken and unspoken, are what make us women. Elder Matthew Cowley taught that “men have to have something given to them [in mortality] to make them saviors of men, not women. [They] are born with an inherent right, an inherent authority, to be the saviors of human souls … and the regenerating force in the lives of God’s children.” Our divine nature is to comfort, console, strengthen and love unconditionally.  We have been given the gift to feel vicariously what someone else is going through and the wisdom to know what to do to help.  I can think of no greater gift. 

I see all around me sorrowful women who feel that they can not attain womanhood until they have given birth. Though a special dimension it is only a small part of our depth of developing our divine role.  Not everyone in the delivery room that day had given birth, yet we all shared that experience because we all had the same emotional makeup.  Women have the right to feel these emotions and to use these gifts for the benefit of everyone around them.  Some of us must simply find other ways to mother. Everyone needs a woman’s touch in their lives.  Every woman has the natural desire to love and give.

Sheri Dew states. “Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning. In the premortal world, when our Father described our role, I wonder if we didn’t stand in wide-eyed wonder that He would bless us with a sacred trust so central to His plan and that He would endow us with gifts so vital to the loving and leading of His children. I wonder if we shouted for joy at least in part because of the ennobling stature He gave us in His kingdom. The world won’t tell you that, but the Spirit will.”

This Christmas season may we all remember the joy of being who we are and the blessings we have been given. It is the time when our feelings are naturally turned to compassion and giving. All around us are those who need to be loved and comforted. Make this time of year a joyful one for everyone by using these feelings and intuitions that we as women naturally have. I truly feel we have been blessed with the best role in life.

The Dependable Ones

I wish we could all be sitting in a huge arena and share our motherhood tales with each other. I know everyone would enjoy hearing similar experiences and it would prove to us that we are all more alike than different regarding our thoughts and feelings about being a Mom. I had an epiphany the other day that I have to share with you, but first I need to give some background. One of my motherhood dilemmas while raising children has been different from those frequently talked about in general conference addresses giving comfort and advice for parents of wayward children.  Though by no means perfect, my children have always stayed close to the Church so my dilemma deals with encouraging them to remain examples of righteousness and obedience. It has always been entertaining to hear my children relate the fun stories of scout campouts and listen to the adventures of misbehavior. A list of who played what pranks on the unsuspecting scout or scout master. I also find it interesting at eagle courts of honor everyone reminisces about those stories, savoring every detail. Sadly, I had one of my sons say to me how he wished he could get the attention that his misbehaving peer received and that it would be fun to have stories told about him that everyone loved to hear.  Sometimes I personally feel we reward bad actions simply by our attention of them. This is an example of what I call the Brother of the Prodigal Son Syndrome.  We reward bad behavior with attention while good behavior remains unnoticed and often without compliment.

How can we deal with the feelings of the dependable child, the one who is inherently good and obedient?  When a child is developing into an adult they don’t comprehend the full picture, neither can they see the rewards obtained by being obedient.  All they understand is their misbehaving friends getting the attention from the adults, regardless of the negative reason for which the attention was given…sad to say, but true. Shepherds should be aware of their entire flock…even those who appear to have few needs. The prodigal son’s good behavior never goes unnoticed, their birthdays and advancements are never forgotten, trips to the ice cream store always take place and their well being takes up the majority of the adult leadership meetings while the dependable “brother of the prodigal son” who is always where he should be and will always there to fall back on, receives little or no focus or attention.  The awareness of this dependability and obedience by a leader is not always the reward an obedient child needs or wants. As an adult that would sufficient, but as a child it is lacking because they also need time and attention.  They just don’t demand it through misbehavior.

This topic has been addressed several times in our home over the years and as a mother all I could do was reinforce their goodness and obedience with my praise.  My epiphany came just the other day as I witnessed my son’s understanding of this concept during a follow-up meeting after an event.  My child’s name was inadvertently left off the list honoring participants who had made the event successful.  As our eyes met I knew he was painfully aware of the error.  I winked at him and could see he was reading my thoughts… “It’s OK, don’t worry about it.”  Towards the end of the meeting another list was read announcing new assignments for individuals.  While reading the names, the adult leader stopped when he came to my son’s name, paused for a moment and then said, “I know him well. He will do a great job for you!”  I again glanced at my son and by the pleased expression on his face I knew that he finally understood and felt the rewards of being obedient and dependable..

Those few words brought euphoria and pulled all these years of encouragement together.  For all you dependable, wonderful, “be where you need to be”, “do what is right always” children, the day will come when our Savior will announce to the multitudes, “I know him well and he will do a great job!”  If our Savior can say to thief who was on the cross next to him, “You will be with me today in Paradise,” a glorious, peaceful place of honor, how much more glorious will our rewards be if we are always doing what is right and good? 

Temporal vs Eternal

My daughter related an event that happens weekly at her college dorm complex. At one of the male halls the guys all meet together Sunday evening (no girls allowed) and share their week’s experiences with each other.  Though these experiences involve all aspects of college life, most focus on dating and interaction with the girls.  After hearing all the stories the guys then cast their votes for the coveted two awards, “Stud of the Week” and “Dud of the Week”.  The two so endowed are besieged with cheers and congratulatory remarks.  The privileged individuals hold the coveted titles until the following week’s meeting. The boys proudly announce the outcome to all girls willing to listen.

As females are excluded, the girls had an innate curiosity to discover what stories were being recounted.  So one Sunday afternoon they secretively placed a tape recorder in the assembly room behind an object the guys would never think of moving… a vacuum.  After listening to the retrieved tape, my daughter telephoned and we discussed the event in more detail than I can write here.  She expressed disappointment because the true characters of several young men were revealed. Her first impression of these guys had been very positive but upon discovering their inner thoughts and feelings, which they so willingly shared with the guys, she realized that a handsome face or pleasant smile is only superficial. These three experiences that follow were the bits and pieces of our conversation after her revelation.

1.  A classic truth was written in the book A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle.  Paraphrasing one thought contained therein is that everything you see is temporal but the things you can not see are eternal. The advice admonishes one not to focus on someone’s outer appearance but to see through to their eternal characteristics that really make them the person who they are. This concept hits home as we get older and experience the aging process.  That cheerleader in high school will lose her bounce and the football hero will get a regular “8 to 5” job.  Our physical is so temporal.

2.  At a recent high school graduation I looked at the faces of those young students and marveled at how much life they had.  They were all so handsome and cute; every student was glowing.  I looked around the auditorium to see if I could match up the child with their parent seated in the audience. I only saw people who had aged from when they too sat at their own high school graduation. I could not match anyone because life changes our appearance. Later that same day I ran into someone that I had known several years ago.  I hardly recognized her but when she started speaking the same kind, warm person that I had known previously was before me. Those unseen, eternal attributes were still there.

3.  I was at a restaurant with my returned missionary son and his friend one day and our waitress was hovering over us.  She was giving the boys all of her attention.  They even commented on how cute she was.  As the meal progressed, this waitress spent extra time talking with us, but her conversation revealed her immaturity and unkind inner feelings. Comments about the activities after work and negative remarks about her fellow workers soon made the boys disregard any impressions about her attractiveness they first saw.  If only she knew the damage she was doing to herself.  Her words were revealing her undesirable inner self.  Suddenly she went from very cute to… “Let’s hurry and leave”… in a matter of thirty minutes. What a teaching moment that was for me.

In judging others we sometimes look outwardly first but often this first impression gets us in trouble if we concentrate only on what is skin deep. We bestow honor, praise or leadership to someone who appears totally wonderful on the outside only to discover later that the person on the inside needs improvement. Yet here we are letting them lead us or admiring them for only what we saw at a first glance and our first impressions.

Our characteristics and inner strengths are attributes not seen at first, yet this is really the person we are.  Can we teach our children to look on the inside of others to find true friends?  Yes, I feel we can.  We can do this by example in watching our own judgments of others and developing our own inner self, and stressing that same development to our children.  I remember the line… “The older I get the better I was”…which I think is funny, but it actually should be, “The older I get the better I become.”  How many times could I have personally made better choices in my life if I had looked more closely for the eternal rather than the temporal?  Guide your children by helping them become aware of eternal attributes to seek after and follow.

As far as the awards given in the college dorm…practical lessons have been learned!  First, be glad that you were not the subject of the experiences being told by the guys.  Second, live a life that will never get you on their story list and third, see beyond how cute or hot someone may be when judging the quality of the person, their true eternal self is hidden deep within… judge them not by what they wear or how they look because cloths fade and get worn out and age changes even the most beautiful.   

Teach Me What I Must Be

Sterling W. Sill once said, “Each of us has two creators, God and ourselves.  In this job of creation, God provides the capital but we are expected to furnish the labor.”

What comforts me in this creation process is that it is not a do-it-yourself project.  We have help.  We have parents, siblings, children, Church family and friends that all play an important part in who we become.

I had the opportunity to sit in a lecture with Susan Easton Black, a Church history professor at Brigham Young University.  Her remarks opened up a new idea to me concerning this creation process that is a part of us all.  As I pondered her concepts they became a springboard in expanding my understanding of the ideas she shared.

Several years ago President Spencer W. Kimball asked that a word in the primary song, “I am a Child of God” be changed.  In the original version we sang…”Teach me, guide me, walk beside me. Help me find the way.  Teach me all that I must KNOW to live with Him someday.”

President Kimball suggested that we have moved beyond just knowing; he suggested that we sing, “Teach me all that I must DO to live with Him someday.”

Sister Black presented the idea that we need to think deeper yet.  She commented that we should be singing, “Teach me all that I must BE to live with Him someday.”

A new idea opened up to me.  She put my understanding of progression at a higher level and furnished me with a tool I could use in this “labor” part of my own creation and that of my children as well.

In thinking about this concept, To Know, To Do, To Be,  I came to realize that “To Be,” is really, “I am” when the verb is conjugated putting it into the present tense.  I find it interesting that one of the names our Savior uses in reference to Himself is, “I Am.”  We are always being challenged to become like the Savior or, in other words “To be” an “I am” person.  When we sing, “Teach me all that I must BE to live with Him someday”, we are really saying teach me to be one with the Savior in actions and purpose.  As individuals and parents our aim should be to teach our children to become an “I am” member of the Church.  We all know those Church members.  They are the ones we all look up to and respect because of their living the gospel unquestioningly.

You can take any principle of the gospel and teach it to your family by using the following simple approach.  For example, if you want your child to learn the principle of tithing you must first, teach them to know why they need to tithe.  Second, do the act of paying a full tithing on a regular basis.  It is the process and consistency that is important at this point.  Third, when it becomes a habit to pay a full tithing it then becomes second nature and is no longer a struggle.  Your child becomes that “To Be” or “I Am,” person in the principle that you are trying to help them develop within themselves.  With any gospel principle that you want your child to learn or understand, try this same approach.  It will work.  First I know, then I do, and finally I am.

I find myself thinking of the questions asked during the temple recommend interview.  If you could reword those questions from a “yes” or “no” answer, what a different meaning it would take on if you could answer simply “I am” to every question.  Striving to become like the Savior takes on an easy step-by-step approach.  It is a good self-test to see how you are doing in this creation process and tells how much more labor you have to put in.

As this New Year begins and goals are being set remind your children that they are not alone in this process of becoming.  There are parents, sibling, good fiends and ward family waiting to help but most importantly a Father in Heaven who has given them the “capital” to succeed.

Silent Struggles

Those who have struggled with infertility know what a heartbreaking and difficult challenge it can be.  After my husband and I got married, we faced this challenge for three years before we were able to achieve a successful pregnancy through the help of our doctors.  Looking back, I remember many of the feelings that weighed on my mind and occasionally overwhelmed me. 

As my husband was in medical school at the time, we lived in a ward with many other student families.  Every Sunday, I sat in church and watched the mothers playing with their babies and young children and longed for that experience myself.  Baby showers were also hard for me as I was truly happy for my friends and their babies, but at the same time, discouraged about my own infertility. 

Because infertility is such an individual and personal struggle, it is often hard to share with others.  For this reason, only our closest friends and family knew what we were going through in our efforts to start our own family.   

During this time, I was working as an attorney to put my husband through school.  Although I found my job enjoyable, my family and close friends knew that I would give it all up in an instant to stay home and be a mother.  While I’m certain they meant no harm, I was often stung by the comments made by others about my lack of children.  I’m not sure why some feel that it is acceptable to inquire why a couple hasn’t had children yet or when they are planning to have children.  Perhaps most hurtful were the comments I heard assuming that I was choosing to further my career and putting off having children.  Little did they know that I had always dreamed of growing up, getting married and having a family. 

As I struggled and prayed for what I felt to be a righteous desire of my heart, I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to let me be a mother.  I prayed for understanding and to know His will for me.  I also prayed for comfort and peace as I did not want to be caught in a web of self-pity. 

After many failed attempts, various medications and different treatments, we were finally blessed to have a successful in vitro fertilization and to conceive twin boys.  Our challenges did not stop there though, as the pregnancy was laden with complications, including pre-term labor where we almost lost them.  Spending 1/3 of the pregnancy on bed rest gave me a lot of time to contemplate and to realize what a miracle children are.

Although we have been able to have children, infertility is still something we struggle with as each attempt to have a child requires medicines, doctors, and faith.  I believe we have come through this challenge as a stronger couple and more empathetic people.  I have made cherished friendships with others who share this same struggle and have been blessed to understand it in a way that one only can after having gone through it. 

Like infertility, there are many other struggles that people suffer through silently.  It is my prayer that we all will try to be more understanding, less judgmental, and more loving towards others, no matter what their burdens or challenges may be.    

guest writer... Lindsey

If I Had Only Known

How many times have we asked ourselves the question, “If possible, would I go back to my youth and live it over again?  What would I do differently?”   I have learned the secret to a happy life is to live your life with no regrets, doing what you should do at the time in your life you should be doing it.  I have seen too many sad moments of... “I should have done…”  In fact, the best reason for doing things right today, is simply because there is a tomorrow.

As my 19 year old prepares for his mission I have thought several times this past month how blessed these young people are to have an opportunity of serving so unselfishly for two years for our Father in Heaven. This opportunity window is small; the time for preparation has passed when they reach this age. Hopefully we mothers have prepared them to take advantage of this blessing in their life. This service brings understanding and knowledge about living on an accelerated scale.  The missionary experience gives them a jump start not only on a gospel level but on living life while developing personal interaction with people plus the benefit of self development.  These are the blessing that comes from two years of service to others. Any mother who discourages her child from going on a mission because of her desire to keep him close will someday be saying. “If I had only known then what I know now, I would have encouraged him to go.”

I was impressed with the New Era, March 2007 issue.  It is all about missionary preparation.  Not only should every young man and young woman read it but anyone who wants to improve their own life and commitment to the gospel.  The issue has a spirit about it that will give you the desire to “raise the bar” in your own life.  The sub-title is:  Missionary Preparation...Get Ready To Serve.   Is that not talking to all of us? 

One article that inspired me was entitled “If I Had Known at 19…”   Four points were mentioned that I keep finding myself pondering. They are: 1). I would make it my second highest priority to love my companion. 2) I would look for miracles. In fact, I would expect them. 3)  I would work smarter and harder. 4) I would not let rejection and failure discourage me.

• To me these four points of advice are appropriate for any phase of life we are in.  Setting your priority to love your companion would solve many of the problems that we have in our marriages and family. Our children too are our companions in this life. 
• Looking for miracles, in fact, expecting them would make us all more aware of the spirit that really does guide us in our lives if we let it.  Miracles do happen to us all the time.
• Working smarter and harder would help us with time management to allow us time to serve others and to stop dwelling on the petty self-centered concerns of our own lives.
• Finally...not letting rejection and failure discourage us would help us remember that we are all in the process of becoming...striving...to be better. Discouragement in rejection and failure is the tool used to keep us not wanting to improve or reach out to others. 

I encourage everyone to read this New Era issue cover to cover...Why should the youth be the only ones blessed with these insights? Aren’t we all young in the eternal aspect of life?  We all can begin by making changes in our own life and that of our children.  Try to avoid a life filled with… “If I had only known.”  Live a life that reflects… “I’m happy I knew!”