Not Being Neutral

The other day we had a lesson in Relief Society on the scriptures and the question was asked, “How can we teach our children to love the scriptures?” Good question and many great answers were given like scripture reading with your children daily, having picture books for them to look at or teaching how to apply scripture concepts into their lives. All these were great responses but as I’ve pondered this recently a concept came to me that goes even deeper than those normal answers. It is the concept of… not being neutral.

I hope I’m the only one who recalls times when daily scripture reading was done in a monotone voice that conveyed duty, rather than interest or pleasure. When was the last time you read as a family where you had great discussions about a concept? I remember the “light bulb” moments when our family stopped reading and a whole concept was discussed and shared by all. We progressed from being neutral in our scripture reading to an elevated level of understanding regarding what we were studying. Those were my favorite Family Home Evenings! The spirit testified, taught and helped bond us together as a family. A love for the scriptures developed as we shared our excitement for what we were learning and discussing together. We need to become passionate and excited about what we are reading not passive.

This concept doesn’t stop with just reading scriptures Think about having an attitude of neutrality in other areas of the gospel and how it may affect your family. Are you neutral when it comes to having your children go on missions or on issues of morality or ethical values? Can you consider the potential damage when you as a mother take a neutral stand on pressing issues or if you allow your child without direction, encouragement or enthusiasm on your part to decide for themselves where they stand? Neutral behavior and attitudes can dangerously influence your child to make incorrect decisions later on in their life.

President Henry B. Eyring expressed: “The pure gospel of Jesus Christ must go down into the hearts of [our children] by the power of the Holy Ghost. Seeking to be neutral about the gospel is, in reality, to reject the existence of God and His authority.” Moral Discipline by D. Todd Christofferson November 2009

Scriptures teach us about opposition in all things. This shouldn’t convey extremes, but rather contrasting differences, like light and darkness, good and evil. If we choose neutrality when faced with good and evil, on whose side do we stand? In fact, if we choose neutrality in life we, in actuality, do not choose. “Choice” is an action word such as in taking a stand for good and against evil while “neutral” is void of action. Make your choice and let your children know how you feel about principles and especially the Gospel.

We were not neutral in our pre-mortal life. We knew what we wanted and we stood strong. We were passionate and opinionated in our views without being overbearing and outspoken. This is what we must be again. If a child learns from your neutral example and remains neutral themselves on matters of eternal importance they will be easily swayed when the winds of choice start blowing. You can’t push your opinion of gospel topics and principles onto your children but you can show your love, enthusiasm and excitement for what you think and feel. Let them feel it and let them know your opinions with love and parental compassion. This will bless your family more than anything you can do.

Motivating Our Children

On a recent visit home our married son went rummaging through his old footlockers that have been stored in the attic for years. As a teenager every piece of paper, award, trophy and memento that was of true value to him had been carefully stored therein. As each item was pulled out a flood of memories rushed over me as I remembered special events in his life that partially shape who he is today. An old baseball mitt, an award saying “Great Job”, school papers with an A+ marked at the top of each page, old photos of childhood friends, medals and trophies that he had earned. Nothing of real value… or are they? Not in material worth, of course, but each item represented to me a motivational milestone that made him reach a little higher or work a little harder so he could obtain the desired artifact. What surprised me was his current reaction to these items that had once been so valuable to him. I felt the loss of his “Peter Pan” innocence as the man who stood before me merely saw these items as “celebrating mediocrity”.

I’ve given much reflection to this experience and have been silently grateful for those experiences he had. He was motivated by those rewards. They taught him to achieve excellence in areas that I was not capable as a mother to offer him. It was not the medal he got as he crossed the finish line at a Mt. SAC cross country race that was of value… but rather the lessons he learned while earning the medal. Somehow those objects he worked to earn motivated him to achieve.

Children are all unique and no one knows them better or has their best interest at heart like you do as their mother. Motivating our children is more than just helping them “celebrate mediocrity” with the trinkets awarded to them. It is helping them reach their God-given potential and to recognize their uniqueness as an individual.
“Parents often motivate their children to practice skills—inspiring young musicians by taking them to a concert or motivating aspiring athletes by attending college or professional games. But I have found that this principle can also be used to motivate children to develop character traits. When we notice unique talents in our children, we can encourage them. ‘Maybe you will become a writer, or a scientist,’ we might say. If we do this often enough and sincerely enough, our children may have the courage to try out our version of what the future could hold for them. When a trusted parent describes future possibilities, a child pays attention. We can influence our children by helping them define a vision of future possibilities.” Helping Your Children Believe in What They Can Become Lynn Scoresby, “A Future They Can See,” Ensign, Apr 1985, 38
My daughter called the other day and put a different slant of this topic of motivation. She works at Y Be Fit on the BYU-Provo campus. Clients seek her counsel about diet, exercise and fitness. Together they chart out a plan that will work for the client. After a week they come back to review their progress and account to her on the goals they set. Three concepts are put into action 1) motivation 2) a plan, and 3) accountability.

Her comments to me about her job described exactly what we do as mothers for our children. She realized that most of her clients accomplish more when they have someone to whom they are accountable. What she needs to figure out, as their mentor, is what accountability method motivates them to succeed. For some it is making a daily tally sheet, for others it is giving them general guidelines and letting them find their own way. Some unfortunately don’t find the motivation within themselves to change and therefore don’t see any results. As a counselor she can only do so much before it is their responsibility. Each week she teaches them a new principle that they can apply throughout the next seven days. All she can do is hope that they are listening and apply what they have learned to achieve their goals. Some clients function best with only knowing that they will have to report their successes or failures of the week; others need to check off lists; and others need step-by-step instruction on how to live their lives. I hope you can see the correlation here involving motivation between my daughter’s job at Y Be Fit and our job as mothers.
Everyone is motivated by a different method. Our job is to find what works for our child to help them become better and more successful in school, home, church and life in general. It is neither the trophy nor the act of a return and report session that is of value, but rather what personal traits or characteristics are gained in the process. Our task is to find which carrot we need to dangle in front of them that provides the right motivation to propel them to greatness!

Positive Self-Talk

Our older children often joke about “emotional scars” they received during their growing up years in our home. Whenever we get together they enjoy reminiscing about their memories and poking fun at our parenting. I just hope, deep down, that I have been able to raise my children to adulthood without too much trauma to their personalities. The only scar to which I’ll admit taking blame for is the male pattern baldness gene that they got from my Grandmother’s father which really is so far removed from me that it shouldn’t matter. Nevertheless, we all need to blame our faults on someone so my broad shoulders will bear the burden. Each time baldness is brought up I do remind my sons that they all had a full head of hair until they left home.

Seriously, one scar that I never wanted my children to have was low self-esteem. I have seen the abuse given to some children as their mother belittled and humiliated them in public. My heart would ache as I wished I could take those children home with me and love them. I never wanted my children to feel that kind of humiliation.

Each child’s personality is so different and it is often a difficult struggle to find out what positive reinforcement approach works. No matter what I did some of my children still had struggles developing a good self-image. I wonder if this is more the rule than the exception in their path to adulthood. Being noticed in a positive way brings a sense of reward and gratification and aids in self-perception. The road to good self-esteem is an individual journey with both cheering and jeering from the sidelines. The important point is to protect against those negative comments coming from the sidelines while helping them internalize the positive ones.

I read a great book several years ago that helped me to understand this concept. The title is, What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, by Shad Helmstetter. I would highly recommend this book if you have a child with self-defeating behavioral patterns. The main concept of the book promotes replacing the many negative thought you tell yourself each day and changing them in positive thoughts. For example, don’t say,
“Today was a rough day.” Change your thoughts to see the day as, “So many good things happened today.”

A secret I learned long ago is, “Tell your child that he is what you want him to become.” For instance, “John, you are such a kind young man,” or, “Annie, I love the way you show wisdom in the decisions your make.” The more they think about your comments the more those positive reinforcement will affect whom they become. With so much negative out there we as mother need to be the positive force behind their self-image. Self-confidence is produced just as it is stated… SELF… A child becomes what they are told they are and what they tell themselves they are. It doesn’t take a Doctorate in Child Development to come to this conclusion or to help your child overcome self-doubt. It takes love, patience and a lot of positive reinforcement.
Once when reading in Isaiah, verse 61:3 the phrase “the garment of praise” caught my attention causing me to ponder and reflect on its meaning. As mothers we make sure our children are properly clothed and fed, taught personal hygiene, and that they learn proper manners and etiquette so society will accept them. But what about clothing them with daily praise as they live in your home so they will accept themselves? As they learn to accept who they are the approval of their peers becomes less and less important and they become more self-confidence rather than peer-confident.

Years ago I read a study that revealed when a child leaves home for the day he receives at least five negative comments about himself from other people before the first recess at school. How important is it that we reinforce their positive image at home? Very important! No one really cares about your child with the same interest or intensity as his or her mother. Only rarely do you find a teacher or friend who has the same concern about your child as you do. You are the one who cheers the loudest from the sideline on his journey to self-confidence. It is your voice he hears the loudest.

If you listen to your children you can tell how they feel about themselves. They will give you both negative and positive feedback clues. How many times have you heard some of these comments, “I didn’t have any friends to play with today,” or “I had the best time at recess,” or “My classes are too hare,” or “My teacher told me today that I read very well.” These statements reflect their inner self-perceptions allowing you, their mother, to gauge their self-image.

As they grow older the nature of their comments change but not their subtle meaning. They are telling you how they feel the world sees them and also how they perceive themselves as an individual. We need to listen and help them sift through all the comments they hear and teach them to eliminate the negative and internalize the positive. Internalizing everyone’s comments throughout his life your child starts to tell himself who he is and those thoughts make him the person he really becomes.

Hopefully, your child grown to adulthood will be able to look at his thinning hairline and realize that one’s character is not judged by the thickness of their hair. This will mean that self-confidence has truly been achieved.

Nobody is a Nobody

I have taken on the project of transferring all our home movies from VHS to DVD that becomes more time consuming as I stop to savor the memories. One tape, filmed at least 15 years ago of my oldest son’s high school choir group, came alive with the faces and personalities that we were so close to long ago. I reminisced about their immature high school behavior as well as their talents and capabilities. I instantly recalled how I felt about them and could even remember how I treated them.

I don’t know what has happened to all those teenagers, now in their mid-thirties, except the few who still have ties to our community. From that group came an attorney, several schoolteachers, two doctors, an opera singer, a Hollywood playwright, a couple of accountants and some wonderful mothers and fathers. Unfortunately some have chosen paths or lifestyles that are detrimental to happiness. Looking at those faces I asked myself, “Did I treat those teens while I was in their circle of influence with the respect they deserved?” Had I known that Josh, for example, was going to become a famous opera star, would I have acted differently towards him, likewise for the attorney or doctors? Maybe there is wisdom in not knowing the profession they will choose because every child should be treated with the same respect, as if their talents and abilities were equal.

Whenever I become aware of an adult who is disrespectful to a child my heart aches, especially if it is my child. The mother bear comes out and I want to lash out at the adult who thinks my child isn’t worthy of their consideration and respect. But how grateful I am when an adult sees my child as worthy of notice and aids him or her towards success outside my influence.

I remember being told about Josh, the opera singer, when he first entered the choir room. Running with the wrong crowd, looking rather rebellious and heading down a difficult path, the choir teacher encouraged him to fulfill his fine arts requirement with her class. The rest is history… hidden talent developed that propelled him into a life that others only dream of. Where would he be if the choir teacher hadn’t nurtured his potential?

We all have experience with the disruptive child in Primary and we say to ourselves… “And to think he may be a Bishop one day.” We never know the future individual in our classroom nor the full understanding of the great spirits sent into our homes to mother. Treating everyone with celestial respect can only influence him or her for the better. Will our association be a positive influence?

I recently read a book about a Nun who wanted to be released from her vows and return to life outside the convent. She described herself in a way that has remained with me long after finishing the book, stating, “I am like a clear pane of glass. When it is broken and damaged it can be replaced within a short amount of time and will appear as if nothing ever was broken!” Her point being she could be easily replaced. Her statement has haunted me that someone would feel so unimportant. I have learned that nobody is a Nobody. Everyone is unique and important. In contrast to her analogy I personally feel that we are like stained glass with each piece uniquely made with color blends, shades and shapes. When placed within a group forming a beautiful design because of the addition of its color and shape, contributing to the beauty already there. When a piece of stained glass is broken it can never be replaced by an identical piece. Its uniqueness can never be duplicated exactly. Further stained glass is the most brilliant when the light of the sun (Son) flows through it. A principle all children need to know is they are irreplaceable. No one can accomplish a task just like they would. They add to family and society and make it better because of who they are.

Our children are somebodies and they are important somebodies. We are given glimpses of their potential and can guide them to what they will become. Treat your child with the respect of that potential and they’ll reach it. I cannot think of a more rewarding job than that as “Mother.”

Living Life to the Minimum

This past month we have seen many people pass away, both well known celebrities who have made national and world news as well as people close to us like our next door neighbor, known to only a few, in the prime of his life and leaving a young family. This has caused me much reflection on life. I’m grateful the Lord in his wisdom hasn’t sent us to earth with an expiration date stamped on our foreheads, as serious contemplation takes place when you ponder about the unknown.  Would we be kinder to others, live life to the fullest or procrastinate until the last moment if we knew our expiration date, when this life would end? I think the test of life is in the not knowing yet living as if we do.

We are always reviewing the “Thou Shalt Not” of the Ten Commandments. Consider, however, the concept of not living a “Thou Shalt Not” life but focusing instead on a higher law of filling mortality with as much good as you can. Have your existence focus on the ‘what we can do’ instead of the ‘what we cannot’ do. Living a life to the fullest rather than living a life to the minimum to just get by. To illustrate this concept I remember a young man in one of my college classes who approached the professor and arrogantly said… “Hey, I’m a busy person and I just need to pass this class.  Tell me exactly what I have to do to get a “C” and that’s what I’ll do.”  I consider his mindset representing the “min/max” life. What must I do to get through this life with the least amount of effort?

Mediocrity is always at its best, as it knows nothing better.  Yet nowhere in the gospel of Jesus Christ are we admonished to be mediocre. Though Christ will accept us, however, we come to Him, His admonition is always to stretch beyond our current attainments. Living a minimum life is so contrary to our God given nature. David A. Bednar stated, “The gospel of Jesus Christ encompasses much more than avoiding, overcoming, and being cleansed; it also essentially entails doing good, being good and becoming better.”  Liahona. November, 2007. Living a life to just accomplish the minimum robs not only ourselves but everyone around us of the fullness of life.

In our materialistic society one often contemplates what can be achieved monetarily as opposed to how one might grow, progress and become a better person for doing it. We should encourage all to excel to the best of their ability in all they do, instead of concentrating on the least they can do and still achieve their ultimate goals.

In Relief Society the other day a sister made the comment, “Did we come here as mothers knowing everything? No, we really are just learning as we go!”  That is a very correct statement! If we are learning as we go I ask myself, “What would I do starting now to develop in my children a “do-the-maximum-in-everything-they-do” attitude and to not be happy with just getting by with the minimum?”  I would work along side my child and teach them to work hard and have fun while doing so.  I would praise their growth and encourage excellence. I would never be critical of a good effort. I would reward extra effort not mediocrity.

Just a thought to ponder… The time will come when the work you do to support your family financially will end. Though many in life receive their self-esteem from their professions, what has more lasting significance is the kind of person you have become.  The years of education and experience that benefit you are essential but how you share that with others along with the character development is what brings happiness. The fullness of life that we all hear about is really integrity, kindness, thoughtfulness, people skills, and a collection of friends and family.  If I recall we are suppose to have joy and rejoicing in our posterity it doesn’t mention prosperity. Living life to the minimum instead of the maximum is a matter of choice, just doing the least to get by or doing all you can to excel and improve. One is very self-serving; the other is Christ-like and selfless. Your choice!

Walk the Talk

The other day at work I had a young mother approach me about her family.  Some of her siblings were not active in the Church and had made decisions that were leading them further and further away from gospel principles. Her heart was breaking as she watched them making choices that took them away from the gospel and what she knew to be important. They had all joined the Church as a young family when she was just a little girl and were active off and on during her growing up years.  She asked me for advice on something that would motivate them to get back on track.  I knew she desired a magic solution or event that would demonstrate to her siblings how wrong their choices are and would cause them to return back to living the gospel. 

I listened to her and could empathize with her sorrow.  I watched her two small children holding onto her skirt while teasing each other.  This scene, as they looked up at their mother with innocence, reminded me of a Rockwell painting!  How could I explain that in life and the maturing process comes the realization that the family you grew up in has passed to some extent?  The magical solution she wants for the family she was raised in now needs to transfer to her husband and children that she is raising and teaching. The solution isn’t magical at all. She must realize that life is not one event but a process involving rules, habits and events of consistent daily living and walking the talk of gospel living.

I do not have a doctorate degree in raising children but I have learned by watching and by example.  I know the value of having Family Home Evening even before the Church wrote the FHE manual. I remember my feelings when I heard my father say in a tithing settlement that he was a full tithe payer. I remember the great times we had as siblings when my parents were at the temple each month and also the family prayers each morning as we knelt by the kitchen table as we began our day.  I have often wondered what happens to a child when they live with inconsistency and a double standard that parents can sometimes have. 

I know that my parents did not watch R rated movies after the children were in bed.  They did not teach us to be honest and then cheat in their business dealings. We knew that Sunday was the Sabbath and used it as quiet family time.  My parents always had callings and we talked about gospel topics in our home.  Our home was a place of peace, trust and safety insulated from worldly influences. When associating with friends who suggested something contrary to what I knew was correct I was given permission to say, “My parents are mean and they won’t let me!” That phrase was my best excuse to stay on track.  My parents were examples of consistency in “walking the talk.”  I’ve learned that children learn more by what is done rather than what is said. Life is a process of many events not just one magical moment.

There is wisdom in following the words and admonitions that the gospel suggests. In The Parents Guide: Principles for Teaching Children it states, “The scriptures tell us that God ‘is the same … yesterday, today, and forever’ (D&C 20:12). Our Heavenly Father’s undeviating truth in word and deed permitted the Savior to trust his Father’s teachings and submit to the will of his Father. Similarly, our children will be more likely to believe our teachings and follow our examples if we strive to be consistent.”

Being an example and loving unconditionally is what this young mother can do for her siblings and parents but her children are like a blank canvas ready to be painted.  Her influence there is limitless by her example, love, kindness and consistency in living the gospel and applying those principles into their lives and home environment.  There is power in example by “Walking the Talk,” and joy in its rewards.

The Ball Is In Your Court

I remember the number of games I attended each week with 6 boys playing sports.  Almost every night of the week and every Saturday were filled with practices or games to attend.  I knew I had mentally lost it when I started forgetting which game was where and with whom...I needed a map with a sports schedule attached to keep it all straight. 

Did I enjoy them?  This question became the subject of conversation when the mother of only one son was sitting by me one night on the bleachers. She was going on about how wonderful it was to get out of the house to enjoy a good ball game.  She then asked, “Don’t you just love being here?”  Almost as if a remote control button was pushed I paused that moment in time as thoughts of everything else I could be doing at home ran through my mind.  Instead, here I was sitting at the ball park, a cold wind blowing through me with innings that never seemed to end as boy after boy took their turn at bat.  Just as I was about to answer her question the coach yelled at the umpire and marched   onto the field for a vile face to face confrontation and was immediately asked to leave the game.  This whole scene represented another great example of team spirit and playing with honor as my son witnessed his coach and team leader being kicked out of the game.

To answer her question I could not help but think that after years of watching game after game…sport after sport…the involvement I enjoyed and literally loved was watching my sons play.  I rallied my focus and watched in awe as my child participated, did well and loved his involvement in each sport.  Did I enjoy the games and get involved in each play! The answer is no…I was not there to see the game because I loved it…I came to see my sons play the game because I loved them.  That is the answer.  I can’t say that I am like most mothers.  I’m sure that some of you love every aspect of every sport including those coaches with errant behavior.  Over the years I learned that some games are won and some games are lost but there will always be another game tomorrow.  It truly is how you play the game, not whether you win or lose.  I know those may be fighting words to some but from my perspective, that’s the way I view it.

To me it was not about the game at all…it was about my son who was playing! Games and sports were a way for me to stay close to my sons.  You really can’t take them shopping or out to lunch where you just “bond”.  With a boy you bond on the practice field and the game field watching him, cheering him on, making him think that he is wonderful and a great asset to the team.  It was the after game activity that meant the most to me, driving home reviewing the game as my son eagerly chatted about the experience.  This was more fun than the game itself.  Talking about the different plays of the game or the strategies of the different players and coaches were the bonding moments that made the previous three hour game worthwhile! Were all those years worth it?  That answer is definitely a YES!  Would I do it again? Again, the answer is yes, because those games brought me closer to my sons.  Even today we talk about the different seasons of sports, coaches and plays.  They still remember every great play they ever made and expect me to remember them too.  I don’t, but what is important is they do and still talk to me about it. 

My boys have now outgrown those past seasons of sports and to tell you the truth I don’t miss all those games. My life is without regret in that area. I went to their games and enjoyed being with them.  With the ill twist of fate though I have decided that life is cruel because now that my sons are older, somehow they still do not like to go shopping or go out to lunch.  What is it that they do when they all get together?…They play sports… and if they are not playing a sport they are talking about them. So, what is a mother’s dilemma here?  It comes in thinking of ways to stay bonded with our sons who are still narrow in their extra curricular enrichment activities.  I have come to the conclusion that the ball is in our court though, if I can use that term. We need to get on their playing field, so I’ve come up with a strategy that works. Talk sports with your sons by keeping up on who’s who in the sports trivia world like who is the homerun king, why a coach picked a certain strategy, which team will make the NBA finals or which leg of the race they are on…then after those moments of bonding, take his wife out shopping and to lunch; she is the one who will appreciate it.  See, it is a win-win situation; we really can coach and win this game of motherhood.  It is all in the strategy.

Talent Scouts

I was listening to a radio talk host the other day who was emphasizing that all men are created equal… but after having eight children I have the experience to differ with his opinion.  We all should have equal rights under our laws but I have come to appreciate that we are not equal in our abilities, talents and drive. It is those differences that make our world interesting. We are all individually unique.  Can you imagine how unappreciative we would be if we were all Beethovens or Michaelangelos or had the leadership abilities of George Washington?  All of us have different gifts… if no one stood on the sidewalk, who would enjoy the parade? I have come to the conclusion that we are not just mothers, so here is one more description to add to our list of attributes…we are talent scouts as well!

I was reminiscing about a young man I knew.  Some years ago the high school choral teacher opened up her room every lunch hour for students to hang out and play with guitars.  One particular group always came in, known for their low achievement on campus. She became friends with them and, strategizing about the lack of male participation in her choral program, asked them to sing songs with her around the piano while she accompanied.  She played songs they knew and the genre of music that she felt they would relate to. What she discovered was a hidden talent in two of those boys.  Ultimately one became the bass that carried the whole section while the other boy was a first class tenor who now sings in Europe performing at the very best opera houses. Who would have thought?

How many children around us are gifted but have never played a piano or never picked up a paintbrush or have never been given the opportunity to make a speech or take a debate class. What about the child who has the aptitude for playing a harp but has never been close to one or the writer who is not encouraged to compose his feelings on paper. How blessed we are to have the knowledge that we can grow and progress throughout eternity because mortality doesn’t offer enough time or opportunity to explore all avenues of development.

Whenever the parable of the talents is brought up at church or someone talks about talents, either as money or attributes, I can’t help but think, after having been involved with so many personalities, that the Lord has given us all different gifts.  The fun is discovering what talents each child has and then helping them develop and increase those talents.

I think back on my child who lined his shoes up in the closet where everything was neat and in place.  Another was great musically and school was a breeze; one I turned to when I needed a hard physical work done; the contemplative one I made sure had drawing supplies and a journal to write in.  I had one that would talk his way out of any situation and we all believed him! Another one organized all the parties and one who entertained us with jokes and laughter, while the one who drove us all crazy with singing in the shower, was first on my list to take vocal lessons.  Everyone had lessons in music, art and sports ad nauseam and yet it took me several children before I realized that not all excelled at the same pace nor even had an interest in what I thought they needed to learn.  I was only there to give opportunity and direction, not to dictate what I thought they should excel in.

We mothers are talent scouts! Our job is to see qualities in every child we have influence over and encourage that quality into reaching its highest potential. 

Practice make Perfect...

The other day I ran into a friend who I haven’t seen in ages. While playing catch up about our children she commented on our eldest son who is doing a surgical residency.  She asked, “And where is Scott practicing?”  The way she pronounced practicing it sounded as if he was only practicing what he had learned.  The word practice could take on a dual meaning depending upon the intonation of your voice, one referring to the medical profession as an occupation and the other as trying to do something.  I had to chuckle thinking of my own misinterpretation of her vocal inflection while visualizing my son practicing surgery by trial and error. Not a good idea!  My son did make the comment to me that when he walked into the first day of his surgical residency all the book learning in the world could not make up for his lack of experience in the hospital.  Both are needed, the book learning for the foundation and the experience of applying gained knowledge.

The impression came to me later as I thought back on my friend’s question that, in fact, aren’t we all really practicing in some way or another what we have learned.  How many times have I heard someone say, “I was too uptight with my older children” or “If I were to do it again, I would do it differently” or “I didn’t get it right until my younger ones came along”.   Most often we learn by doing something over and over again.  Error is an acceptable part of life.  I see this in raising children.  I am not a perfect parent.  My children are not perfect children yet we love and encourage them to practice the principles that we teach until they become proficient in their tasks and assignments. Do we not learn from a book or example first and then practice what we learn?  From every Gospel principle to skills around our home or at work we learn first from books and examples then move on to practice and experience.

As I look back at the different phases of life we all go through I recognize trial and error in every aspect. It is a pleasure to know that I have finished several phases of life and I can now watch my own children go though some of the same exact growth experiences that I went through.  I’ve often wondered how much our Heavenly Father enjoys watching us?  With a sense of humor He probably enjoys observing us as teenagers, knowing that the day will come when we will have teens going though the same experiences that we had a hard time with.  But it is practice and experience that makes us better parents.  We have been there!  Can you imagine saying to your children? “Hey, go out and party…Sure, you can stay out all night…don’t worry about school! It’s boring anyway…etc.”  We have gained an understanding of life through our own practicing and those experiences bring both an enlightenment and compassion into our parenting skills.

Your children inspire me as I hear of them practicing correct principles.  It reminds me of the time when one of my boys came home from the junior prom.  He related to me the sad tale of his friend who was ditched all night by his date.  His friend, not knowing how to handle the situation being inexperienced (unpracticed) in this area, hung out with my son and his date most of the night.  The three of them had a great time!  The gratification in this story came at the last dance.  My son’s date learned over to him and asked, “Would you mind if I danced with “John”?  I feel so sorry for him.”  Empathizing with the situation my son gladly agreed and the evening was somewhat saved for “John”.  He recognized that someone understood his predicament and valued his well-being.  This young lady should have a gold star put on her forehead!  Somewhere along the line of practicing at life she was not only taught well but also practiced what she had been taught.  The day will come when the young lady who ditched her date, will have children.  Maybe she will then remember this incident and feel remorse for her actions, wanting her own child not to be treated in the manner she so long ago had treated her date.  Both girls will have learned the same principle in totally different ways and at different times.

I marvel at the wisdom of our Father.  “Practice Makes Perfect” is a true statement.  I am just glad that we have been given the chance to try and try again until we get it right and a Father who understands that it might take several tries before we achieve success.   He is more forgiving than we are when it comes to trial-and-error learning.  Humm…being more forgiving… now that is one of His many characteristics we should all practice!

New Beginnings

I was reminded the other day how differently girls and boys internalize knowledge and how they both can learn the same principle but from completely different perspectives.  My son who is serving in a bishopric called home excited to share with me his experience of attending a New Beginnings program for the young women in his ward.

“Mom,” he said, “what an uplifting meeting that was! Does the whole church do this or is it just something my ward does?” I teasingly reminded him that I had served in the Young Women’s program through all his teen years and we had discussed “New Beginnings” as he drove me to several of these programs so he could use my car to go play church basketball with his Young Men’s quorum. We had a good laugh as he questioned where he had been in life to not catch on to events around him.  That is a whole other topic!

I jokingly said to him, tongue in cheek that girls focus on spiritual experiences in the Young Women’s program.  It centers on teaching them to feel the spirit because their greatest responsibility will be to raise up the next righteous generation and set a gospel tone in their future homes. “They”, I said, “have more to do than play basketball and go on campouts to prepare them for their duties which lie ahead.”

“What,” he interjected, “you don’t think we had spiritual experiences in scouting? Did I ever tell you about the time we were camping and Jason threw a can of hairspray he took from his mom’s bathroom into the fire while the adult leaders were listening to the Lakers game on the car radio.  We boys prayed all the way as we ran back into the woods that we wouldn’t get killed by the explosion.  Look, it worked we are all adults now. That was a spiritual experience!”

“Or, what about another campout when Brent blew up a huge brown paper bag with air, tied a string around the top then threw it into the fire.  Weren’t we surprised when the bag lifted into the air about twenty feet and started floating over all those dry pine trees while it was burning?  You can bet as we ran beneath that fiery, floating bag for the next eternal minutes, we prayed like we’ve never prayed before that our scoutmaster wouldn’t make us clean the latrines and the whole camp by ourselves.  Assuming, or course, there was a camp that didn’t burn down. That was not only a spiritual experience but a learning one as well.”

There were many more “spiritual experience moments” my son related that we laughed about.  I found myself in the next few days thinking of those experiences and where my sons are today.  I truly have an appreciation for those programs and the experiences provided that taught them to be adventurous, to climb that next tall mountain, to be challenged, to accomplish their goals and yes to pray for guidance when they were confronted by serious problems or lost in the mountains with their adult leaders.

Even all the basketball they played taught them the positions (and responsibilities) of guard, forward, center, to be a team player, to understand offense and defense, and most importantly to be a good sport whether losing and winning.   They learned discipline, endurance, patience and teamwork.  All these principles were gained in the Young Men’s program and prepared them for life. Like the young women, their main responsibility also will be to train the next generation and set not only a spiritual but a leadership tone in their future homes.

Although there is a division between how young men and young women internalize principles, this difference actually compliments each other.  Both genders learn concepts and ideals in their own way that they will need in life. These differences with each other makes them a balanced and well rounded team to work together in their homes.

With a New Year rolling in set a goal in your families for your teens to be active in the program that is designed with their spiritual and social development in mind... the Young Men’s and Young Women’s programs.  It is there to assist you in raising the bar in your homes.

Letting a Child Win

You have heard the phrase, “Life is the best teacher.”  I just think it’s ironic that no matter how old I get, I keep making discoveries that could have helped me years before.  My younger children, I hope, will benefit from my newly found insights.

Every week I visit an elderly lady living in a convalescent home.  Over the last year I have watched this very alert woman digress from extremely active and being in control of her life to being very dependant on others for even the most basic routines of living.  Her mind is still very sharp but I can see that she is losing control in making the simplest of decisions concerning her life.  More significantly her personality has changed from “pleasant to be around” to “cantankerous, rebellious and suspicious of everyone.”  On my way home after a frustrating visit with her as I witnessed this evolution in her behavior and attitude, the thought went through my mind, “She is acting just like a teenager.”

The light came on!  I wondered if the ability to make your own decisions about life has something to do with attitude and rebellion?  I’m sure other variables enter in but my own experience and hindsight suggest that being in control of one’s life is a major element in shaping one’s attitudes.  Making the correct choices is the other element.

Freedom to make one’s choices, or exercising one’s agency, has some risks and when your child says to you, “It’s my life and I can make my own decision,” your molding days are basically over.  They are speaking the truth.  They can choose for themselves but what they may not understand, but soon will, is that the consequences of those choices are also theirs to have.  We have freedom of choice but not freedom from choice.  We must live with the results of the choices we make.

Mothers are the ones who can guide a child’s ability to learn the skill of choosing wisely.  A visiting teacher gave me some great advice when I was a new mother.  I’ll pass that advice on to you.

• Let you child win sometime.  Determine the priority and importance of choices and let them make the decisions on those of lower priority.  What shirt to wear is different than the choice of attending early-morning seminary.  By the time they grow up their ability to correctly make hard decision swill increase.  It is the small, correct choices that a child makes which lays the foundation for larger, more important decisions.
• Surround your child with good choices.  I have learned to always provide two positive alternatives, for example, “Would you like to take piano lessons or play a sport this year?” Then, let them choose! But once their choice is made help them follow through, praising their choice and encouraging them forward continually.  Their choice should involve two positive alternatives that you would like them to do.  As a child gets older more alternatives should open up to them, not more restrictions.  The smaller, more restricted their world becomes, the stronger the need to break out and be in control.
•  Let your child know that you trust their decisions and praise them when they make good choices.  This builds confidence in their ability to choose correctly between good and bad, right and wrong. Never underestimate the power of a mother’s approval.  We all want to know when we have done well and even today I want my mother to be proud of my life.
• Let them also feel the consequences of their bad choices.  Don’t helicopter in to rescue them from every crisis.  If they choose not to do their homework let them feel the pressure from the teacher or the resulting bad grade.  Don’t make excuses for them as it only reinforces their bad choices.
• Last and most importantly turn those unwanted choices to the positive.  This little phrase will be a lifesaver to you.  “You don’t have to, you get to!” Then tell them why they get to.  Going to church is a lot more fun if they get to go rather than if they have to go.

The skill of making correct choices is learned.  Agency does have risk but with communication, trust and unconditional love we all will win.

Let Them Go

I thought about this day several years ago as I held my last newborn in my arms but I didn’t realize it would be in here in the blink of an eye. I’ve sent my two youngest away this past month, one on a mission to Japan which is a whole different emotion and the other off to BYU – Provo.  As hard as it is on me to stop mothering I know their desire to leave home is a natural process.  If they don’t, they will end up pushing away and resenting the fact that they are still at home.  So the old oxymoron phrase takes on a more significant meaning, “To keep them, you have to let them go.”  It really is too bad because after their high school and teenage years you start to like them again and enjoy their company.

As the bitter sweet drive to Utah began it was fun hearing the conversation between my son and daughter.  They have always been best friends and the last minute advice, older sibling to younger sibling, was taking place.  Sitting in the front seat I marveled at the mature advice being given on how to succeed in college from someone who just a year ago was heading in the same direction with no experience at all.  This made me realize that the best learning experience one can receive is just that…experiencing it yourself.  I don’t know how much of the advice given she will retain but I hope that she will be able to recall his advice as the first year away from home progresses and as situations arise.

First he gave the practical advice…1) Always study in the library, not in your apartment.  Keep your apartment as a fun place to relax, to maintain a balance. 2) Books first, socializing second. 3) Don’t procrastinate assignments, keep up on your reading and know your assignment deadlines. 4) Budget your time and think of school as a job. When you are there, be there mentally; schedule in both study and free time. 5)  Don’t be intimidated by others’ accomplishments; you are at that university because of who you are. There are always going to be those who have accomplished more. Remember that those you are comparing yourself to may have had only 60 in their graduating class compared to your 750. 6)  Seek others who bring out the best in you and those you would like to emulate. 7) Take a fun class each semester. 8) Keep you standards high and obey the rules of the university. 9) Develop self, talents and personality. 10) Have fun!

I had to turn around to see if that was really my child in the back seat who had only been away from home one year!  It was!  Maybe I should have sent him away earlier.  His counsel verified that life is often the best teacher because if he had stayed home with me he never would have learned that wisdom. I would still be mothering him today. 

Then he gave additional insight that I found even more profound. 1) People love to feel important. No one likes to be alone so make everyone around you feel that they are special. 2) Think positive thoughts. What you say to yourself determines your outcome.  3) Don’t just pray for good test results…you need to study hard for them too. 4) Respect what others respect.  It tells them that you care about what is important to them.  5) Never openly criticize. Use the phrase, “Have you thought about it this way?” 6) Learn to be happy alone; do things on your own. Everyone has their own schedule. You can’t have friends do everything with you because they are going their own way also. 7) If you do not like someone it’s because you have made up a reason not to like them.  So make up a reason to like them.    

I couldn’t help but think to myself, “If that much insight was gained in only one year away from home just think what two years on a mission will bring with the Lord being his tutor!” He did a much better job at advising his sister than I ever could have done.  His counsel only reinforced what he learned in his own mind.  I didn’t have to say another word as he had said it all.  Those principles he had just counseled his sister with he will also use on his mission.  My only advice to them was a quote I heard several years ago and can’t remember the source so who ever said it, thank you.  It goes like this, “Work without vision is drudgery; vision without work is dreaming; work plus vision is success.”  That quote sums it all up, even for us mothers who are left behind beginning a new life while we let our children go.

Hearing What Your Child Says

Our older children often joke about “emotional scars” they received during their growing up years in our home.  Whenever we get together they enjoy reminiscing about their memories and poking fun at our parenting.  I just hope, deep down, that I have been able to raise my children to adulthood without too much trauma to their personalities.  The only scar to which I’ll admit taking blame for is the male pattern baldness gene that they got from my Grandmother’s father which really is so far removed from me that it shouldn’t matter.  Nevertheless, we all need to blame our faults on someone so my broad shoulders will bear that burden.  Every time baldness is brought up I do remind my sons that they all had a full head of hair until they left home.

Seriously, one scar that I never wanted my children to have was low self-esteem.  I’ve seen the abuse inflicted upon some children as their mother belittled and humiliated them in public, My heart would ache as I wished I could take those children home with me and love them.  I never wanted my children to feel that kind of humiliation.

Each child’s personality is so different and is often a difficult struggle to find out what positive reinforcement approach works.  No matter what I did some of my children still had struggles developing a good self-image.  I wonder if this is more the rule than the exception in their path to adulthood.  Being noticed in a positive way brings a sense of reward and gratification and aids in self-perception.  The road to good self-esteem is an individual journey with both cheering and jeering from the sidelines.  The important point is to protect against those negative comments coming from the sidelines and then helping them internalize the positive ones.

I read a great book several years ago that helped me to understand this concept.  The title is, What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter.  I would highly recommend this book if you have a child with self-defeating behavioral patterns.  The main concept of the book promotes replacing the many negative thoughts you tell yourself each day and changing them to positive thoughts.  For example, don’t say, “Today was a rough day.”  Change your thoughts to “So many good things happened today.”

A secret I have learned is…Tell your child he is what you want him to become! For instance, “John, I’m impressed that you have managed your time so wisely today.”  In reality, he may not be very good at his time management skills but he will tell himself, “Mom thinks I manage my time well so I guess I do.”  The more he thinks about this reinforcement and confirms within himself positive thoughts the more he will become aware of his time and mange it better.  I don’t feel this is a “little white lie” but an approach to correct a child’s behavior.  With so much negative out there we as mothers need to be the positive force behind their self-image.  Self-confidence is produced just as it is stated…Self…A child becomes what they are told they are and what they tell themselves they are.  It doesn’t take a doctorate degree in Child Development to come to this conclusion or to help your child overcome self-doubt.  It takes love, patience and a lot of positive reinforcement.

Once reading in Isaiah 61:3 the phrase “the garment of praise” caught my attention causing me to ponder and reflect on its meaning.  As mothers we make sure our children are properly clothed and fed, taught personal hygiene, and that they learn proper manners and etiquette so society will accept them.  But what about clothing them with daily praise as they live in your home so they will accept themselves? As they learn they become more self-confident rather than peer-confident.

Years ago I read a study that revealed when a child leaves home for the day he receives at least five negative comments about himself from other people before the first recess at school.  How important is it that we reinforce their positive image at home?  Very important!  No one really cares about your child with the same interest or intensity as their mother.  Only rarely do you find a teacher or friend who has the same concern about your child as you do.  You are the one who cheers the loudest from that sideline on his journey to self-confidence.  It is your voice he hears the loudest.

If you listen to your children you can tell how they feel about themselves.  They will give you both negative and positive feedback clues.  How many times have you heard some of these comments?  “I didn’t have any fiends to play with today.” Or “I had the best time at recess.” or “My classes are to hard.” or “My teacher told me today that I read very well.”  These statements and others like them, reflect their inner self-perception allowing you, their mother, to gauge their self-image.

As they grow older the nature of their comments change but not their subtle meaning.  They are telling you how they feel the world sees them and also how they perceive themselves as an individual.  We need to listen and help them sift though all the comments they hear and teach them to eliminate the negative and internalize the positive.  Internalizing everyone’s comments thought-out his life your child starts to tell himself who he is and those thought make him the persona he really becomes.

Hopefully, your child grown to adulthood will be able to look at his thinning hairline and realize that one’s character is not judged by the thickness of hair.  This will mean that self-confidence has truly been achieved.