Not Being Neutral

The other day we had a lesson in Relief Society on the scriptures and the question was asked, “How can we teach our children to love the scriptures?” Good question and many great answers were given like scripture reading with your children daily, having picture books for them to look at or teaching how to apply scripture concepts into their lives. All these were great responses but as I’ve pondered this recently a concept came to me that goes even deeper than those normal answers. It is the concept of… not being neutral.

I hope I’m the only one who recalls times when daily scripture reading was done in a monotone voice that conveyed duty, rather than interest or pleasure. When was the last time you read as a family where you had great discussions about a concept? I remember the “light bulb” moments when our family stopped reading and a whole concept was discussed and shared by all. We progressed from being neutral in our scripture reading to an elevated level of understanding regarding what we were studying. Those were my favorite Family Home Evenings! The spirit testified, taught and helped bond us together as a family. A love for the scriptures developed as we shared our excitement for what we were learning and discussing together. We need to become passionate and excited about what we are reading not passive.

This concept doesn’t stop with just reading scriptures Think about having an attitude of neutrality in other areas of the gospel and how it may affect your family. Are you neutral when it comes to having your children go on missions or on issues of morality or ethical values? Can you consider the potential damage when you as a mother take a neutral stand on pressing issues or if you allow your child without direction, encouragement or enthusiasm on your part to decide for themselves where they stand? Neutral behavior and attitudes can dangerously influence your child to make incorrect decisions later on in their life.

President Henry B. Eyring expressed: “The pure gospel of Jesus Christ must go down into the hearts of [our children] by the power of the Holy Ghost. Seeking to be neutral about the gospel is, in reality, to reject the existence of God and His authority.” Moral Discipline by D. Todd Christofferson November 2009

Scriptures teach us about opposition in all things. This shouldn’t convey extremes, but rather contrasting differences, like light and darkness, good and evil. If we choose neutrality when faced with good and evil, on whose side do we stand? In fact, if we choose neutrality in life we, in actuality, do not choose. “Choice” is an action word such as in taking a stand for good and against evil while “neutral” is void of action. Make your choice and let your children know how you feel about principles and especially the Gospel.

We were not neutral in our pre-mortal life. We knew what we wanted and we stood strong. We were passionate and opinionated in our views without being overbearing and outspoken. This is what we must be again. If a child learns from your neutral example and remains neutral themselves on matters of eternal importance they will be easily swayed when the winds of choice start blowing. You can’t push your opinion of gospel topics and principles onto your children but you can show your love, enthusiasm and excitement for what you think and feel. Let them feel it and let them know your opinions with love and parental compassion. This will bless your family more than anything you can do.

Positive Self-Talk

Our older children often joke about “emotional scars” they received during their growing up years in our home. Whenever we get together they enjoy reminiscing about their memories and poking fun at our parenting. I just hope, deep down, that I have been able to raise my children to adulthood without too much trauma to their personalities. The only scar to which I’ll admit taking blame for is the male pattern baldness gene that they got from my Grandmother’s father which really is so far removed from me that it shouldn’t matter. Nevertheless, we all need to blame our faults on someone so my broad shoulders will bear the burden. Each time baldness is brought up I do remind my sons that they all had a full head of hair until they left home.

Seriously, one scar that I never wanted my children to have was low self-esteem. I have seen the abuse given to some children as their mother belittled and humiliated them in public. My heart would ache as I wished I could take those children home with me and love them. I never wanted my children to feel that kind of humiliation.

Each child’s personality is so different and it is often a difficult struggle to find out what positive reinforcement approach works. No matter what I did some of my children still had struggles developing a good self-image. I wonder if this is more the rule than the exception in their path to adulthood. Being noticed in a positive way brings a sense of reward and gratification and aids in self-perception. The road to good self-esteem is an individual journey with both cheering and jeering from the sidelines. The important point is to protect against those negative comments coming from the sidelines while helping them internalize the positive ones.

I read a great book several years ago that helped me to understand this concept. The title is, What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, by Shad Helmstetter. I would highly recommend this book if you have a child with self-defeating behavioral patterns. The main concept of the book promotes replacing the many negative thought you tell yourself each day and changing them in positive thoughts. For example, don’t say,
“Today was a rough day.” Change your thoughts to see the day as, “So many good things happened today.”

A secret I learned long ago is, “Tell your child that he is what you want him to become.” For instance, “John, you are such a kind young man,” or, “Annie, I love the way you show wisdom in the decisions your make.” The more they think about your comments the more those positive reinforcement will affect whom they become. With so much negative out there we as mother need to be the positive force behind their self-image. Self-confidence is produced just as it is stated… SELF… A child becomes what they are told they are and what they tell themselves they are. It doesn’t take a Doctorate in Child Development to come to this conclusion or to help your child overcome self-doubt. It takes love, patience and a lot of positive reinforcement.
Once when reading in Isaiah, verse 61:3 the phrase “the garment of praise” caught my attention causing me to ponder and reflect on its meaning. As mothers we make sure our children are properly clothed and fed, taught personal hygiene, and that they learn proper manners and etiquette so society will accept them. But what about clothing them with daily praise as they live in your home so they will accept themselves? As they learn to accept who they are the approval of their peers becomes less and less important and they become more self-confidence rather than peer-confident.

Years ago I read a study that revealed when a child leaves home for the day he receives at least five negative comments about himself from other people before the first recess at school. How important is it that we reinforce their positive image at home? Very important! No one really cares about your child with the same interest or intensity as his or her mother. Only rarely do you find a teacher or friend who has the same concern about your child as you do. You are the one who cheers the loudest from the sideline on his journey to self-confidence. It is your voice he hears the loudest.

If you listen to your children you can tell how they feel about themselves. They will give you both negative and positive feedback clues. How many times have you heard some of these comments, “I didn’t have any friends to play with today,” or “I had the best time at recess,” or “My classes are too hare,” or “My teacher told me today that I read very well.” These statements reflect their inner self-perceptions allowing you, their mother, to gauge their self-image.

As they grow older the nature of their comments change but not their subtle meaning. They are telling you how they feel the world sees them and also how they perceive themselves as an individual. We need to listen and help them sift through all the comments they hear and teach them to eliminate the negative and internalize the positive. Internalizing everyone’s comments throughout his life your child starts to tell himself who he is and those thoughts make him the person he really becomes.

Hopefully, your child grown to adulthood will be able to look at his thinning hairline and realize that one’s character is not judged by the thickness of their hair. This will mean that self-confidence has truly been achieved.

Nobody is a Nobody

I have taken on the project of transferring all our home movies from VHS to DVD that becomes more time consuming as I stop to savor the memories. One tape, filmed at least 15 years ago of my oldest son’s high school choir group, came alive with the faces and personalities that we were so close to long ago. I reminisced about their immature high school behavior as well as their talents and capabilities. I instantly recalled how I felt about them and could even remember how I treated them.

I don’t know what has happened to all those teenagers, now in their mid-thirties, except the few who still have ties to our community. From that group came an attorney, several schoolteachers, two doctors, an opera singer, a Hollywood playwright, a couple of accountants and some wonderful mothers and fathers. Unfortunately some have chosen paths or lifestyles that are detrimental to happiness. Looking at those faces I asked myself, “Did I treat those teens while I was in their circle of influence with the respect they deserved?” Had I known that Josh, for example, was going to become a famous opera star, would I have acted differently towards him, likewise for the attorney or doctors? Maybe there is wisdom in not knowing the profession they will choose because every child should be treated with the same respect, as if their talents and abilities were equal.

Whenever I become aware of an adult who is disrespectful to a child my heart aches, especially if it is my child. The mother bear comes out and I want to lash out at the adult who thinks my child isn’t worthy of their consideration and respect. But how grateful I am when an adult sees my child as worthy of notice and aids him or her towards success outside my influence.

I remember being told about Josh, the opera singer, when he first entered the choir room. Running with the wrong crowd, looking rather rebellious and heading down a difficult path, the choir teacher encouraged him to fulfill his fine arts requirement with her class. The rest is history… hidden talent developed that propelled him into a life that others only dream of. Where would he be if the choir teacher hadn’t nurtured his potential?

We all have experience with the disruptive child in Primary and we say to ourselves… “And to think he may be a Bishop one day.” We never know the future individual in our classroom nor the full understanding of the great spirits sent into our homes to mother. Treating everyone with celestial respect can only influence him or her for the better. Will our association be a positive influence?

I recently read a book about a Nun who wanted to be released from her vows and return to life outside the convent. She described herself in a way that has remained with me long after finishing the book, stating, “I am like a clear pane of glass. When it is broken and damaged it can be replaced within a short amount of time and will appear as if nothing ever was broken!” Her point being she could be easily replaced. Her statement has haunted me that someone would feel so unimportant. I have learned that nobody is a Nobody. Everyone is unique and important. In contrast to her analogy I personally feel that we are like stained glass with each piece uniquely made with color blends, shades and shapes. When placed within a group forming a beautiful design because of the addition of its color and shape, contributing to the beauty already there. When a piece of stained glass is broken it can never be replaced by an identical piece. Its uniqueness can never be duplicated exactly. Further stained glass is the most brilliant when the light of the sun (Son) flows through it. A principle all children need to know is they are irreplaceable. No one can accomplish a task just like they would. They add to family and society and make it better because of who they are.

Our children are somebodies and they are important somebodies. We are given glimpses of their potential and can guide them to what they will become. Treat your child with the respect of that potential and they’ll reach it. I cannot think of a more rewarding job than that as “Mother.”

Do Not Fear

"None of us makes it through this life without problems and challenges—and sometimes tragedies and misfortunes. After all, in large part we are here to learn and grow from such events in our lives. We know that there are times when we will suffer, when we will grieve, and when we will be saddened. However, we are told, “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” How might we have joy in our lives, despite all that we may face? Again from the scriptures: “Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you."

--President Thomas S. Monson, "Be of Good Cheer", April 2009 General Conference

Be What You Know

In the book Abraham Lincoln’s Philosophy of Common Sense is the famous quote of Lincoln honoring his mother, “All that I am, all that I hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” We have all heard that quote before but are you aware of what his mother said to him just before she passed away? Her last words to him were, “Be something, Abe.” I have wondered how many times Abraham Lincoln reflected on those words as he was making choices in his own life as the years went by. Those words, “Be something,” express every mother’s desire as we look upon our children and wish only wonderful things for them.  But just as Abe’s mother was not with him while he was making life’s daily choices, neither can we always be with our children as they make every choice in life. 

We can only hope that they will become what they know and what we have taught them to be. How many times have you heard the phrase said, “That sounds just like your mother or father?” Because, like it or not, for good or bad, our children become like us and take on our characteristics and judgments in making choices.  They internalize our examples as they watch us. Sometimes self-evaluation of our own choices will benefit our children in theirs’.

Events in my life lately have caused me to contemplate the power we have in our own lives and the power to direct that life just by the choices we make.  While reading one of my daughter’s Harry Potter books, Dumbledore, with all his wisdom, tells Harry, “It’s not your accomplishments that make you who you are, it is your choices.”  Those sage words have come into my mind several times this past month. 

We attended a medical school graduation ceremony where 150 students were being honored for their accomplishments.  I feel their success that day did not just start four years ago when they entered the classroom.  Further, it was not just one choice, but several choices, that brought them to this point in their lives.  When did those choices begin?  Who helped them make those choices or was it solely all their own doing?  Did every student get out of his or her education the same thing?  These are rhetorical questions only presented to invoke thought and I personally don’t know if there is any one answer to them as there are so many variables in life.

After rearing my own children and working with others in various callings and organizations it amazes me that this concept of choice can lead them in so many different directions.  One’s educational or occupational path is not better than another path, just different and tailored to one’s personality and talents.  I do feel, however, that every choice begins with a seed or suggestion or encouragement.  This is where we mothers come in.  These graduating students did not get there solely on their own aspiration.  Yes, they provided the discipline, but that cheering section in the audience with their support and encouragement gave an added boost.  These students had a team of teachers, peer support and examples to help them complete their choice but the main aspiration and encouragement of their choice probably came from their parents.  This goes for every child as they make choices during their formative years.

I just returned from taking 38 high school choral students and chaperones to New York City.  I planned and arranged everything and scheduled events so we would always be together except for a little free time to explore.  I was amazed that even though we all went to the same places, so many different experiences were later shared.  I realized that it was their individual choices of attitude and exploration that made the experience either wonderful or unsatisfactory.  The unique point here is it was their choice! Going to NYC and having a great time is insignificant compared to a major life altering decision. Choice is not appreciated until it is taken away and sometimes a bad choice can alter the rest of one’s life. I just heard from a friend that her 16-year-old daughter was pregnant and getting married.  Somewhere in this young lady’s life decisions were made that led to this crossroad in her life.  Things will never be the same for her. The accountability from her choice is now in effect.

I don’t know the secret to help youth make wise choices in their lives. With so many different personalities in the world all reacting differently I’m sure there isn’t any set answer.   If I did know, however, I could make millions selling that information.  For sure, experience is the best teacher and a child will learn from mistakes as well as wise choices.  I also know that a child needs to learn early about making mistakes. Feeling the results of bad choices will prevent him/her from making additional poor choices.  We mothers cannot helicopter in and rescue or defend their actions.  No doubt this is sometimes easier said than done.  The Lord gave us mothers the innate capacity to love and protect our children but there are times when they fail and need to feel the pain of their unwise choices.

My son is spending his summer half way around the world in Japan. Driving to the airport I kept reiterating the checklist of “do’s and don’ts”. He kept saying, “I know, Mom, I know” accompanied with that sigh confirming that he had heard it all before.  I paused, looked at him and said…. “Well, my son, be what you know!” Those were my last words to him!  I could tell that the time had come when he was done with my advice and admonitions. I felt a sense of relief come over me because the transfer of accountability had just taken place. His choices are forever his own along with the results of those choices. 

My last words were not “Be something!” but my words meant the same thing.  The transfer of power to make choices and own the consequences from those choices are now on his shoulders even though I haven’t passed away.   Saying this to your children… “Be what you know!” empowers them to make wise choices because deep down they will remember your counsel.  We can only hope they will reflect on these four words as they make daily choices in their lives.

The Hour Glass Principle

There have been many anxious moments in watching my children and their peers grow and mature. Sometimes it reminds me of the bee who keeps flying into the glass pane not realizing that it is the bee that needs to modify its behavior.  The pane of glass is immoveable. I wish that I could write a letter to these young people counseling them of life’s pitfalls so they won’t knock into the immovable window pane but deafness seems to have fallen upon so many young people today.  In other cultures older people are considered wiser but in our society we enroll in the school of hard knocks, avoiding advice.  If I were to write them a letter I would entitle it “An Open Letter to Every Seventeen Year Old.”  It would say something like this: 

Dear newly turned seventeen year old:  Well, here you are, past the age of sixteen.  You now realize that turning sixteen was not the magical age that unlocked the mysteries of the world as you always imagined.  You have learned the world does not bow at your feet. Those dates you always imagined never came or if those dates did come you now realize they brought a whole new level of emotions and feelings often lacking the happiness you expected or had fantasized about in your dreams. You may even be asking yourself what went wrong and have started to doubt your own abilities.  Hopefully, you are beginning to wonder if there is more you can do to make life happen. If this is the case you have reached a teachable point in your life.

These doubts and feelings are all just part of growing up.  Let me explain something I have learned by observing the hourglass.  I call it the hourglass principle where life is divided into two phases separated by a small narrow passageway or neck. On one side is the child who expects to be waited upon, always having someone meet his/her needs.  On the other side is a life of service.  As a child your decisions are made for you and you generally obey whatever you’re told.  Minimal self-discipline is expected except for behavior required to make you socially acceptable. You are basically happy living in the world your parents have created for you. In essence, your world represented by the sand peacefully resting at the hourglass’s base brings a degree of security and freedom that makes you happy and content.

When the hour glass is turned upside down your world changes. Constant rules and restrictions are being put in your way.  The space seems to be closing in around you as parents give advice, admonitions and rules to keep you safe as you travel through that narrow neck.  You start to realize that not everyone likes you and that you need to change to be accepted.  This is when that gospel foundation you’ve been taught is being tested.  Demands from school, teachers, peers and parents lead you to believe that your freedom is being taken away.  But it is not!  This is just a time in one’s life where you are pressured as an individual to decide who you are and what you want to become. Some of you may struggle in this narrow neck for a long time. Until you gain the understanding that rules, either social or moral, need to be observed or you will be forever in that narrow passageway.  Hopefully you will see by not conforming to rules that freedoms can actually be taken away from you.   The wise individual will realize by using discipline and reaching out to others that true freedom will soon to be opening up.

Practicing the concept of self-discipline is the only way to achieve true freedom and independence. Once you pass through that narrow neck you see the world differently…it is not, “What is in this for me” or “why are they making me do this?’…rather it becomes, “How can I serve and what can I give to others?”  That one concept will thrust you into the larger area of the hourglass.  Reaching out to others brings a happiness that can never be received if you are waiting for people to satisfy your needs. There is no magical age or teacher that brings on this knowledge it evolves from the experience of living and changing behavior.

This year of your life is the time for self discipline and restraints, concentrating on your own spiritual foundation, educational goals, personality development and the life you are going to have. In just another year you turn 18, becoming a legal adult and what you make of your life will be your doing. Use this next year to reach out to others, becoming your best self and being the person you visualize yourself being in the future. The concept I heard as a young girl was, “If you want to marry a certain kind of individual then you need to become that certain kind of individual yourself.”  This year should commence the beginning of becoming that person you want to be.

It is easy to see, now that I am older, that where you are at certain times in your life determines your future.  Examine who your friends are, your spiritual commitment, your academic level and goals, your attitudes and your teachability. Every aspect of your life today plays a part in who you will become in the years ahead.  Now is the beginning of the end of your teenage years and the questions to ask yourself are, “Who are you?” “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” and “What are you doing to get there?”  The answers may require changing behavioral habits and patterns. This change needs to take place by self motivation and of your own accord.

At this time in your life your decisions, choices and attitudes will affect all eternity.  The sooner you get through the middle of the hourglass by learning the correct principles the sooner the world will open up and you will have true happiness, freedom and independence.  Begin your life!

 

Practice make Perfect...

The other day I ran into a friend who I haven’t seen in ages. While playing catch up about our children she commented on our eldest son who is doing a surgical residency.  She asked, “And where is Scott practicing?”  The way she pronounced practicing it sounded as if he was only practicing what he had learned.  The word practice could take on a dual meaning depending upon the intonation of your voice, one referring to the medical profession as an occupation and the other as trying to do something.  I had to chuckle thinking of my own misinterpretation of her vocal inflection while visualizing my son practicing surgery by trial and error. Not a good idea!  My son did make the comment to me that when he walked into the first day of his surgical residency all the book learning in the world could not make up for his lack of experience in the hospital.  Both are needed, the book learning for the foundation and the experience of applying gained knowledge.

The impression came to me later as I thought back on my friend’s question that, in fact, aren’t we all really practicing in some way or another what we have learned.  How many times have I heard someone say, “I was too uptight with my older children” or “If I were to do it again, I would do it differently” or “I didn’t get it right until my younger ones came along”.   Most often we learn by doing something over and over again.  Error is an acceptable part of life.  I see this in raising children.  I am not a perfect parent.  My children are not perfect children yet we love and encourage them to practice the principles that we teach until they become proficient in their tasks and assignments. Do we not learn from a book or example first and then practice what we learn?  From every Gospel principle to skills around our home or at work we learn first from books and examples then move on to practice and experience.

As I look back at the different phases of life we all go through I recognize trial and error in every aspect. It is a pleasure to know that I have finished several phases of life and I can now watch my own children go though some of the same exact growth experiences that I went through.  I’ve often wondered how much our Heavenly Father enjoys watching us?  With a sense of humor He probably enjoys observing us as teenagers, knowing that the day will come when we will have teens going though the same experiences that we had a hard time with.  But it is practice and experience that makes us better parents.  We have been there!  Can you imagine saying to your children? “Hey, go out and party…Sure, you can stay out all night…don’t worry about school! It’s boring anyway…etc.”  We have gained an understanding of life through our own practicing and those experiences bring both an enlightenment and compassion into our parenting skills.

Your children inspire me as I hear of them practicing correct principles.  It reminds me of the time when one of my boys came home from the junior prom.  He related to me the sad tale of his friend who was ditched all night by his date.  His friend, not knowing how to handle the situation being inexperienced (unpracticed) in this area, hung out with my son and his date most of the night.  The three of them had a great time!  The gratification in this story came at the last dance.  My son’s date learned over to him and asked, “Would you mind if I danced with “John”?  I feel so sorry for him.”  Empathizing with the situation my son gladly agreed and the evening was somewhat saved for “John”.  He recognized that someone understood his predicament and valued his well-being.  This young lady should have a gold star put on her forehead!  Somewhere along the line of practicing at life she was not only taught well but also practiced what she had been taught.  The day will come when the young lady who ditched her date, will have children.  Maybe she will then remember this incident and feel remorse for her actions, wanting her own child not to be treated in the manner she so long ago had treated her date.  Both girls will have learned the same principle in totally different ways and at different times.

I marvel at the wisdom of our Father.  “Practice Makes Perfect” is a true statement.  I am just glad that we have been given the chance to try and try again until we get it right and a Father who understands that it might take several tries before we achieve success.   He is more forgiving than we are when it comes to trial-and-error learning.  Humm…being more forgiving… now that is one of His many characteristics we should all practice!

New Beginnings

I was reminded the other day how differently girls and boys internalize knowledge and how they both can learn the same principle but from completely different perspectives.  My son who is serving in a bishopric called home excited to share with me his experience of attending a New Beginnings program for the young women in his ward.

“Mom,” he said, “what an uplifting meeting that was! Does the whole church do this or is it just something my ward does?” I teasingly reminded him that I had served in the Young Women’s program through all his teen years and we had discussed “New Beginnings” as he drove me to several of these programs so he could use my car to go play church basketball with his Young Men’s quorum. We had a good laugh as he questioned where he had been in life to not catch on to events around him.  That is a whole other topic!

I jokingly said to him, tongue in cheek that girls focus on spiritual experiences in the Young Women’s program.  It centers on teaching them to feel the spirit because their greatest responsibility will be to raise up the next righteous generation and set a gospel tone in their future homes. “They”, I said, “have more to do than play basketball and go on campouts to prepare them for their duties which lie ahead.”

“What,” he interjected, “you don’t think we had spiritual experiences in scouting? Did I ever tell you about the time we were camping and Jason threw a can of hairspray he took from his mom’s bathroom into the fire while the adult leaders were listening to the Lakers game on the car radio.  We boys prayed all the way as we ran back into the woods that we wouldn’t get killed by the explosion.  Look, it worked we are all adults now. That was a spiritual experience!”

“Or, what about another campout when Brent blew up a huge brown paper bag with air, tied a string around the top then threw it into the fire.  Weren’t we surprised when the bag lifted into the air about twenty feet and started floating over all those dry pine trees while it was burning?  You can bet as we ran beneath that fiery, floating bag for the next eternal minutes, we prayed like we’ve never prayed before that our scoutmaster wouldn’t make us clean the latrines and the whole camp by ourselves.  Assuming, or course, there was a camp that didn’t burn down. That was not only a spiritual experience but a learning one as well.”

There were many more “spiritual experience moments” my son related that we laughed about.  I found myself in the next few days thinking of those experiences and where my sons are today.  I truly have an appreciation for those programs and the experiences provided that taught them to be adventurous, to climb that next tall mountain, to be challenged, to accomplish their goals and yes to pray for guidance when they were confronted by serious problems or lost in the mountains with their adult leaders.

Even all the basketball they played taught them the positions (and responsibilities) of guard, forward, center, to be a team player, to understand offense and defense, and most importantly to be a good sport whether losing and winning.   They learned discipline, endurance, patience and teamwork.  All these principles were gained in the Young Men’s program and prepared them for life. Like the young women, their main responsibility also will be to train the next generation and set not only a spiritual but a leadership tone in their future homes.

Although there is a division between how young men and young women internalize principles, this difference actually compliments each other.  Both genders learn concepts and ideals in their own way that they will need in life. These differences with each other makes them a balanced and well rounded team to work together in their homes.

With a New Year rolling in set a goal in your families for your teens to be active in the program that is designed with their spiritual and social development in mind... the Young Men’s and Young Women’s programs.  It is there to assist you in raising the bar in your homes.

If I Had Only Known

How many times have we asked ourselves the question, “If possible, would I go back to my youth and live it over again?  What would I do differently?”   I have learned the secret to a happy life is to live your life with no regrets, doing what you should do at the time in your life you should be doing it.  I have seen too many sad moments of... “I should have done…”  In fact, the best reason for doing things right today, is simply because there is a tomorrow.

As my 19 year old prepares for his mission I have thought several times this past month how blessed these young people are to have an opportunity of serving so unselfishly for two years for our Father in Heaven. This opportunity window is small; the time for preparation has passed when they reach this age. Hopefully we mothers have prepared them to take advantage of this blessing in their life. This service brings understanding and knowledge about living on an accelerated scale.  The missionary experience gives them a jump start not only on a gospel level but on living life while developing personal interaction with people plus the benefit of self development.  These are the blessing that comes from two years of service to others. Any mother who discourages her child from going on a mission because of her desire to keep him close will someday be saying. “If I had only known then what I know now, I would have encouraged him to go.”

I was impressed with the New Era, March 2007 issue.  It is all about missionary preparation.  Not only should every young man and young woman read it but anyone who wants to improve their own life and commitment to the gospel.  The issue has a spirit about it that will give you the desire to “raise the bar” in your own life.  The sub-title is:  Missionary Preparation...Get Ready To Serve.   Is that not talking to all of us? 

One article that inspired me was entitled “If I Had Known at 19…”   Four points were mentioned that I keep finding myself pondering. They are: 1). I would make it my second highest priority to love my companion. 2) I would look for miracles. In fact, I would expect them. 3)  I would work smarter and harder. 4) I would not let rejection and failure discourage me.

• To me these four points of advice are appropriate for any phase of life we are in.  Setting your priority to love your companion would solve many of the problems that we have in our marriages and family. Our children too are our companions in this life. 
• Looking for miracles, in fact, expecting them would make us all more aware of the spirit that really does guide us in our lives if we let it.  Miracles do happen to us all the time.
• Working smarter and harder would help us with time management to allow us time to serve others and to stop dwelling on the petty self-centered concerns of our own lives.
• Finally...not letting rejection and failure discourage us would help us remember that we are all in the process of becoming...striving...to be better. Discouragement in rejection and failure is the tool used to keep us not wanting to improve or reach out to others. 

I encourage everyone to read this New Era issue cover to cover...Why should the youth be the only ones blessed with these insights? Aren’t we all young in the eternal aspect of life?  We all can begin by making changes in our own life and that of our children.  Try to avoid a life filled with… “If I had only known.”  Live a life that reflects… “I’m happy I knew!”

Here I Am

My two-year-old grandson has been visiting and while watching him I’m reminded that we all have an innate need to be important.  He knows and loves it when he is the center of our attention and actually plays it up. I am amazed that at such a young age he recognizes how he can command attention from others.  Our individual worth is first recognized with the validation from others who convey the feeling that we are of worth.  This knowledge is the basic ingredient for positive self-esteem. 

My grandson’s behavior is cute as a two-year-old, but as children grow older this self-absorbed behavior becomes an irritant and sometimes quite obnoxious. Self-centeredness is no longer cute as the child grows from baby to teen.  Somewhere along the way a child must overcome the attitude of who I am, and replace it with the attitude of here I am.  Shedding the attitude of being the center of attention (who I am) to the attitude of service to others (here I am).  This change, without drum roll or fanfare, comes softly from “trial and error” experiences.  Children need to recognize their valuable attributes and worth through actions of good behavior. What they give to others is more important than the accolades that are given to them by others.

It is a hard reality when a child first becomes aware that, “I am not as important to others as I think I am.” For example, your teacher ignores you, your name is left off the list, friends leave you out or put you down, you didn’t make a sports team, weren’t accepted into a club or organization or just realizing that the world does not stop when you want it to. We had a growing experience several years ago when one of our sons was overlooked for an award. All the recipients were being recognized but our son was omitted. My mother’s heart ached as I saw the pride of accomplishment of the recipients contrasted by the hurt of my son’s being left out.  We have all experienced this to some degree! Yet through this experience growth took place, as I was able to talk him through it and explain that human error is in all of us.  We talked about being center stage and the short-term happiness that comes from it.  We discussed the, who I am…look at me syndrome…as opposed to the here I am…send me Christ-like characteristic. I watched the transformation come over my son, as he understood this concept.  The here I am feeling put him above the hurt he felt because it is not self-centered.  It reaches out to others.  The sting from being overlooked was soon forgotten while the more important lesson learned of thinking outwardly and serving others will remain forever.

I can’t remember any one thing I did while my children were growing up that helped them overcome self-centered behavior but as I discussed this with my daughter she reminded me of a few things that I did, mainly out of pure survival because of our large family.  Here are just a couple of memories that she brought to my attention. 

Responsibility: I learned quickly that I could not do it all.  Each child had to help with housework and with younger children.  When a new sibling was born the child who was old enough to learn responsibility was given charge of the baby to keep him happy and fulfill his minor needs.  They knew this new baby was theirs to protect and care for.  To this day those bonds of responsibility are still felt with those siblings.  This started them thinking at an early age of someone else, putting another’s needs above their own.

Make opportunities for growth: Youth sports provide the concept of working as a team plus it broke my children in easy to the fact that there were others who could also do well. When my child got frustrated because they were not the best on the team, a gentle reminder came that in life someone is always going to be better, or win the award, or get the position that you wanted. But as their family we only expect them to be the best they could be at whatever they are doing.  Discourage your child from comparing themselves to others because this is never constructive. Have them concentrate on how far they’ve come, not how far they need to go. Teamwork helps a child understand that working together can produce a result that they alone could not achieve.  Team sports help them learn that one must share to obtain the desired goal.  There is no room for selfishness on the playing field.

Provide your child the opportunity to deveop talents: Piano, singing, dance, musical instrument, acting or anything to help their talents develop and encouraging them to share their gifts with others. I discovered a long time ago to surround my children with people who have the skills I did not have.  Our children in a small part are a product of the community in which they are raised. Church programs influence their attitudes and provide opportunities for growth and service. The scouting program and young women program are all about learning service and sharing your talents. 

Example: We have a friend who always is giving service to others.  Every Sunday for several years he picked up a single sister for Church who was in a wheel chair.  When he was out of town his children took over for him.  It has been fun to watch his children grow older…now all in adulthood; they are just like their father.   Our life style of focusing outwardly goes beyond your own actions. It transcends generations.

Ralph Waldo Emerson stated, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” The attitude of not being self-centered is a learned behavior and it lies within us. We are born with the selfish who I am attitude to survive while we are babies but it is the here I am attitude of service that allows us to thrive as adults.     Who I am in the eternal understanding allows us to be the here I am person we should be in the present.  

Hearing What Your Child Says

Our older children often joke about “emotional scars” they received during their growing up years in our home.  Whenever we get together they enjoy reminiscing about their memories and poking fun at our parenting.  I just hope, deep down, that I have been able to raise my children to adulthood without too much trauma to their personalities.  The only scar to which I’ll admit taking blame for is the male pattern baldness gene that they got from my Grandmother’s father which really is so far removed from me that it shouldn’t matter.  Nevertheless, we all need to blame our faults on someone so my broad shoulders will bear that burden.  Every time baldness is brought up I do remind my sons that they all had a full head of hair until they left home.

Seriously, one scar that I never wanted my children to have was low self-esteem.  I’ve seen the abuse inflicted upon some children as their mother belittled and humiliated them in public, My heart would ache as I wished I could take those children home with me and love them.  I never wanted my children to feel that kind of humiliation.

Each child’s personality is so different and is often a difficult struggle to find out what positive reinforcement approach works.  No matter what I did some of my children still had struggles developing a good self-image.  I wonder if this is more the rule than the exception in their path to adulthood.  Being noticed in a positive way brings a sense of reward and gratification and aids in self-perception.  The road to good self-esteem is an individual journey with both cheering and jeering from the sidelines.  The important point is to protect against those negative comments coming from the sidelines and then helping them internalize the positive ones.

I read a great book several years ago that helped me to understand this concept.  The title is, What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter.  I would highly recommend this book if you have a child with self-defeating behavioral patterns.  The main concept of the book promotes replacing the many negative thoughts you tell yourself each day and changing them to positive thoughts.  For example, don’t say, “Today was a rough day.”  Change your thoughts to “So many good things happened today.”

A secret I have learned is…Tell your child he is what you want him to become! For instance, “John, I’m impressed that you have managed your time so wisely today.”  In reality, he may not be very good at his time management skills but he will tell himself, “Mom thinks I manage my time well so I guess I do.”  The more he thinks about this reinforcement and confirms within himself positive thoughts the more he will become aware of his time and mange it better.  I don’t feel this is a “little white lie” but an approach to correct a child’s behavior.  With so much negative out there we as mothers need to be the positive force behind their self-image.  Self-confidence is produced just as it is stated…Self…A child becomes what they are told they are and what they tell themselves they are.  It doesn’t take a doctorate degree in Child Development to come to this conclusion or to help your child overcome self-doubt.  It takes love, patience and a lot of positive reinforcement.

Once reading in Isaiah 61:3 the phrase “the garment of praise” caught my attention causing me to ponder and reflect on its meaning.  As mothers we make sure our children are properly clothed and fed, taught personal hygiene, and that they learn proper manners and etiquette so society will accept them.  But what about clothing them with daily praise as they live in your home so they will accept themselves? As they learn they become more self-confident rather than peer-confident.

Years ago I read a study that revealed when a child leaves home for the day he receives at least five negative comments about himself from other people before the first recess at school.  How important is it that we reinforce their positive image at home?  Very important!  No one really cares about your child with the same interest or intensity as their mother.  Only rarely do you find a teacher or friend who has the same concern about your child as you do.  You are the one who cheers the loudest from that sideline on his journey to self-confidence.  It is your voice he hears the loudest.

If you listen to your children you can tell how they feel about themselves.  They will give you both negative and positive feedback clues.  How many times have you heard some of these comments?  “I didn’t have any fiends to play with today.” Or “I had the best time at recess.” or “My classes are to hard.” or “My teacher told me today that I read very well.”  These statements and others like them, reflect their inner self-perception allowing you, their mother, to gauge their self-image.

As they grow older the nature of their comments change but not their subtle meaning.  They are telling you how they feel the world sees them and also how they perceive themselves as an individual.  We need to listen and help them sift though all the comments they hear and teach them to eliminate the negative and internalize the positive.  Internalizing everyone’s comments thought-out his life your child starts to tell himself who he is and those thought make him the persona he really becomes.

Hopefully, your child grown to adulthood will be able to look at his thinning hairline and realize that one’s character is not judged by the thickness of hair.  This will mean that self-confidence has truly been achieved.

Confidence in Being Alone

I remember several years ago one of my children came into the kitchen and said, “Mom, I just want a best friend!”  What a way to begin a conversation!  I was so shocked by the comment that I stopped what I was doing and slowly turned to analyze the expression on my child’s face to see if it was a joke.  This was my most confident child speaking. This sincerely expressed feeling opened up a great teaching moment.

Talking through these feelings of being alone while surrounded by people and friends has given me reason to ponder what it is in our character development that makes us all feel this way.  There is a need to want to have a best friend, to belong to someone… but real growth comes when we can feel confident as an individual.

I was reminded of this experience when my daughter at college called and asked a similar question. “Why is it that I feel lonely at times with all these people around me?” It was if a light bulb went on and my eyes were opened to the feelings that can be a girl’s best friend or worst enemy. It is the need to belong and be with someone.

The dangers in those emotions come when you don’t recognize them and do not know how to cope with them because of youth or inexperience.  For example, it is dangerous for a young girl in high school who just wants to belong to someone, or needs someone to be with her all the time so that she can feel whole. It is dangerous if she seeks acceptance from a boy and detrimental if she seeks approval from other girls who do not have the standards we as mothers want her to maintain.  It is difficult not to be deceived by these emotions as they blur vision of who you are as an individual. How wise the girl is who feels comfortable and happy in being an individual and not needing approval or acceptance from someone else in all her daily routines.

I noticed while going to stake dances as a leader that girls always traveled in packs. A mass of girls went to the restroom together, to the dessert table together or just traveled around the dance floor together. There was confidence and a safety found in numbers.  As the years go on the confidence in being alone needs to develop. Trusting your own worth as an individual and assurance in your own choices and decisions is essential. A confidence needs to develop in our personality that allows us to be happy alone, self-confidant, and someone who doesn’t need a friend to agree and validate all decisions and actions.  Then and only then are you ready for a marriage relationship because once you are comfortable as an individual you are ready to be equal in a partner relationship. Partner to me means equal on the same emotional level.  Isn’t it ironic that you must gain confidence in being alone before you are really ready to belong to someone? These feelings of wanting to belong are given to us for a reason; it promotes the desire and drive to be married.

My daughter helped me understand; it was like de ja vu. I had these same feelings while I was in college! I knew exactly what she was struggling with and now recognized why she feels this way. Drawing upon my own experience with added years of wisdom I can now help her understand these emotions. With every trial in our lives there is an opportunity. Her trial that she faces now are these feelings of being alone… the opportunity comes in recognizing them and using them to her advantage in becoming an individual of confidence in her own abilities.  Becoming like others is not the answer nor is always being with someone. The quest is to find happiness, security and confidence in her own identity.

A wise visiting teacher once advised me regarding this very concept… “We will one day all be alone.  We must gain confidence and strive to develop the personal self that we like being with.”