The Hour Glass Principle

There have been many anxious moments in watching my children and their peers grow and mature. Sometimes it reminds me of the bee who keeps flying into the glass pane not realizing that it is the bee that needs to modify its behavior.  The pane of glass is immoveable. I wish that I could write a letter to these young people counseling them of life’s pitfalls so they won’t knock into the immovable window pane but deafness seems to have fallen upon so many young people today.  In other cultures older people are considered wiser but in our society we enroll in the school of hard knocks, avoiding advice.  If I were to write them a letter I would entitle it “An Open Letter to Every Seventeen Year Old.”  It would say something like this: 

Dear newly turned seventeen year old:  Well, here you are, past the age of sixteen.  You now realize that turning sixteen was not the magical age that unlocked the mysteries of the world as you always imagined.  You have learned the world does not bow at your feet. Those dates you always imagined never came or if those dates did come you now realize they brought a whole new level of emotions and feelings often lacking the happiness you expected or had fantasized about in your dreams. You may even be asking yourself what went wrong and have started to doubt your own abilities.  Hopefully, you are beginning to wonder if there is more you can do to make life happen. If this is the case you have reached a teachable point in your life.

These doubts and feelings are all just part of growing up.  Let me explain something I have learned by observing the hourglass.  I call it the hourglass principle where life is divided into two phases separated by a small narrow passageway or neck. On one side is the child who expects to be waited upon, always having someone meet his/her needs.  On the other side is a life of service.  As a child your decisions are made for you and you generally obey whatever you’re told.  Minimal self-discipline is expected except for behavior required to make you socially acceptable. You are basically happy living in the world your parents have created for you. In essence, your world represented by the sand peacefully resting at the hourglass’s base brings a degree of security and freedom that makes you happy and content.

When the hour glass is turned upside down your world changes. Constant rules and restrictions are being put in your way.  The space seems to be closing in around you as parents give advice, admonitions and rules to keep you safe as you travel through that narrow neck.  You start to realize that not everyone likes you and that you need to change to be accepted.  This is when that gospel foundation you’ve been taught is being tested.  Demands from school, teachers, peers and parents lead you to believe that your freedom is being taken away.  But it is not!  This is just a time in one’s life where you are pressured as an individual to decide who you are and what you want to become. Some of you may struggle in this narrow neck for a long time. Until you gain the understanding that rules, either social or moral, need to be observed or you will be forever in that narrow passageway.  Hopefully you will see by not conforming to rules that freedoms can actually be taken away from you.   The wise individual will realize by using discipline and reaching out to others that true freedom will soon to be opening up.

Practicing the concept of self-discipline is the only way to achieve true freedom and independence. Once you pass through that narrow neck you see the world differently…it is not, “What is in this for me” or “why are they making me do this?’…rather it becomes, “How can I serve and what can I give to others?”  That one concept will thrust you into the larger area of the hourglass.  Reaching out to others brings a happiness that can never be received if you are waiting for people to satisfy your needs. There is no magical age or teacher that brings on this knowledge it evolves from the experience of living and changing behavior.

This year of your life is the time for self discipline and restraints, concentrating on your own spiritual foundation, educational goals, personality development and the life you are going to have. In just another year you turn 18, becoming a legal adult and what you make of your life will be your doing. Use this next year to reach out to others, becoming your best self and being the person you visualize yourself being in the future. The concept I heard as a young girl was, “If you want to marry a certain kind of individual then you need to become that certain kind of individual yourself.”  This year should commence the beginning of becoming that person you want to be.

It is easy to see, now that I am older, that where you are at certain times in your life determines your future.  Examine who your friends are, your spiritual commitment, your academic level and goals, your attitudes and your teachability. Every aspect of your life today plays a part in who you will become in the years ahead.  Now is the beginning of the end of your teenage years and the questions to ask yourself are, “Who are you?” “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” and “What are you doing to get there?”  The answers may require changing behavioral habits and patterns. This change needs to take place by self motivation and of your own accord.

At this time in your life your decisions, choices and attitudes will affect all eternity.  The sooner you get through the middle of the hourglass by learning the correct principles the sooner the world will open up and you will have true happiness, freedom and independence.  Begin your life!

 

Raising The Bar

We have heard the admonition from President Hinckley to send better prepared missionaries out into the field.  It has been several years since we first started hearing the phrase, “Raise the Bar.”  In my household with another missionary only a year away I find myself asking the question, “What must I do to help my son be better prepared?”

The challenge to “Raise the standard of missionaries” can mean only one thing…We, as mothers, must raise our own personal standards of spirituality and worthiness to prepare our children.  Are we ready to take upon ourselves that challenge?  I have seen the power of righteous women too many times to doubt the fact that their influence for good can have a tremendous effect on all those around them. 

Here are some points to consider in raising our own level of spirituality in our homes in the effort to prepare better missionaries.

1. Safeguard your home and make it a place of refuge where the Spirit may be felt.  Limit the worldly media brought into your home.  Make sure that uplifting materials are available such as Church publications, scriptures, pictures of the Savior and good books that are read and discussed.  Television time should be family time and only watched together, as opposed to just being something to do.  Play inspiring music with uplifting lyrics in the home so that those words will be in their thoughts.  By creating homes with a spiritual atmosphere children can more easily recognize and contrast the difference between spiritual and non-spiritual circumstances.
2. Look for opportunities where your family can have uplifting spiritual experiences, such as excursions to visitor centers or temples to do baptisms. Plan family trips that are church history centered.  Help them attend LDS sponsored events such as EFY and stake youth conferences and encourage seminary attendance.
3. Keep communication open and talk about spiritual things with your children so they will be able to recognize the Spirit when they feel it.  Help them realize defining moments in their lives when the Spirit is testifying of truth and eternal principles.
4. Make gospel discussions a commonplace event.  First, we must understand the gospel to discuss its principles effectively.  Talking about the scriptures daily will make the concepts become part of your child, thus becoming part of their nature.  Use examples from the scriptures to help them in daily problem solving.

Several years ago the Church conducted a survey to determine what the motivational factors were for young men and women to serve full time missions.  The findings were reviewed in a gospel doctrine class where the teacher asked what activities or habits create the desire in our youth to serve a mission.  Hands immediately went up and the answers seemed reasonable.  “Attending church”, “graduating from seminary”, “earning the rank of Eagle,” and so on…these answers, however, were not what the survey discovered.

The class members’ responses were the “going though the motions” kind of answers which displayed external obedience. Interestingly the Church found two basic reasons that motivated young men and young women to serve missions which were far different from those expressed that Sunday morning.

The first was personal prayer and the second was personal scripture study. With that announcement by the teacher suddenly the atmosphere in the class took on a different perspective.  We speak about internalizing the gospel… personal study and personal prayers are the epitome of internalizing.

The statement was made that all the activities, teachings and focus on the youth should be centered on the gospel causing them to study and pray on their own. That is the goal we should all be reaching for.

If a child is raised in a gospel centered home where the Spirit is present, scriptures are taught and discussed; good communication with parents, trust and love are felt and daily family prayer, this will become the foundation needed to raise a higher caliber missionary that President Hinckley is asking for.  The attitude will be not “Should I go on a mission”, but, “When I go on a mission.”

Let Them Go

I thought about this day several years ago as I held my last newborn in my arms but I didn’t realize it would be in here in the blink of an eye. I’ve sent my two youngest away this past month, one on a mission to Japan which is a whole different emotion and the other off to BYU – Provo.  As hard as it is on me to stop mothering I know their desire to leave home is a natural process.  If they don’t, they will end up pushing away and resenting the fact that they are still at home.  So the old oxymoron phrase takes on a more significant meaning, “To keep them, you have to let them go.”  It really is too bad because after their high school and teenage years you start to like them again and enjoy their company.

As the bitter sweet drive to Utah began it was fun hearing the conversation between my son and daughter.  They have always been best friends and the last minute advice, older sibling to younger sibling, was taking place.  Sitting in the front seat I marveled at the mature advice being given on how to succeed in college from someone who just a year ago was heading in the same direction with no experience at all.  This made me realize that the best learning experience one can receive is just that…experiencing it yourself.  I don’t know how much of the advice given she will retain but I hope that she will be able to recall his advice as the first year away from home progresses and as situations arise.

First he gave the practical advice…1) Always study in the library, not in your apartment.  Keep your apartment as a fun place to relax, to maintain a balance. 2) Books first, socializing second. 3) Don’t procrastinate assignments, keep up on your reading and know your assignment deadlines. 4) Budget your time and think of school as a job. When you are there, be there mentally; schedule in both study and free time. 5)  Don’t be intimidated by others’ accomplishments; you are at that university because of who you are. There are always going to be those who have accomplished more. Remember that those you are comparing yourself to may have had only 60 in their graduating class compared to your 750. 6)  Seek others who bring out the best in you and those you would like to emulate. 7) Take a fun class each semester. 8) Keep you standards high and obey the rules of the university. 9) Develop self, talents and personality. 10) Have fun!

I had to turn around to see if that was really my child in the back seat who had only been away from home one year!  It was!  Maybe I should have sent him away earlier.  His counsel verified that life is often the best teacher because if he had stayed home with me he never would have learned that wisdom. I would still be mothering him today. 

Then he gave additional insight that I found even more profound. 1) People love to feel important. No one likes to be alone so make everyone around you feel that they are special. 2) Think positive thoughts. What you say to yourself determines your outcome.  3) Don’t just pray for good test results…you need to study hard for them too. 4) Respect what others respect.  It tells them that you care about what is important to them.  5) Never openly criticize. Use the phrase, “Have you thought about it this way?” 6) Learn to be happy alone; do things on your own. Everyone has their own schedule. You can’t have friends do everything with you because they are going their own way also. 7) If you do not like someone it’s because you have made up a reason not to like them.  So make up a reason to like them.    

I couldn’t help but think to myself, “If that much insight was gained in only one year away from home just think what two years on a mission will bring with the Lord being his tutor!” He did a much better job at advising his sister than I ever could have done.  His counsel only reinforced what he learned in his own mind.  I didn’t have to say another word as he had said it all.  Those principles he had just counseled his sister with he will also use on his mission.  My only advice to them was a quote I heard several years ago and can’t remember the source so who ever said it, thank you.  It goes like this, “Work without vision is drudgery; vision without work is dreaming; work plus vision is success.”  That quote sums it all up, even for us mothers who are left behind beginning a new life while we let our children go.

If I Had Only Known

How many times have we asked ourselves the question, “If possible, would I go back to my youth and live it over again?  What would I do differently?”   I have learned the secret to a happy life is to live your life with no regrets, doing what you should do at the time in your life you should be doing it.  I have seen too many sad moments of... “I should have done…”  In fact, the best reason for doing things right today, is simply because there is a tomorrow.

As my 19 year old prepares for his mission I have thought several times this past month how blessed these young people are to have an opportunity of serving so unselfishly for two years for our Father in Heaven. This opportunity window is small; the time for preparation has passed when they reach this age. Hopefully we mothers have prepared them to take advantage of this blessing in their life. This service brings understanding and knowledge about living on an accelerated scale.  The missionary experience gives them a jump start not only on a gospel level but on living life while developing personal interaction with people plus the benefit of self development.  These are the blessing that comes from two years of service to others. Any mother who discourages her child from going on a mission because of her desire to keep him close will someday be saying. “If I had only known then what I know now, I would have encouraged him to go.”

I was impressed with the New Era, March 2007 issue.  It is all about missionary preparation.  Not only should every young man and young woman read it but anyone who wants to improve their own life and commitment to the gospel.  The issue has a spirit about it that will give you the desire to “raise the bar” in your own life.  The sub-title is:  Missionary Preparation...Get Ready To Serve.   Is that not talking to all of us? 

One article that inspired me was entitled “If I Had Known at 19…”   Four points were mentioned that I keep finding myself pondering. They are: 1). I would make it my second highest priority to love my companion. 2) I would look for miracles. In fact, I would expect them. 3)  I would work smarter and harder. 4) I would not let rejection and failure discourage me.

• To me these four points of advice are appropriate for any phase of life we are in.  Setting your priority to love your companion would solve many of the problems that we have in our marriages and family. Our children too are our companions in this life. 
• Looking for miracles, in fact, expecting them would make us all more aware of the spirit that really does guide us in our lives if we let it.  Miracles do happen to us all the time.
• Working smarter and harder would help us with time management to allow us time to serve others and to stop dwelling on the petty self-centered concerns of our own lives.
• Finally...not letting rejection and failure discourage us would help us remember that we are all in the process of becoming...striving...to be better. Discouragement in rejection and failure is the tool used to keep us not wanting to improve or reach out to others. 

I encourage everyone to read this New Era issue cover to cover...Why should the youth be the only ones blessed with these insights? Aren’t we all young in the eternal aspect of life?  We all can begin by making changes in our own life and that of our children.  Try to avoid a life filled with… “If I had only known.”  Live a life that reflects… “I’m happy I knew!”