Success As A Mother

When my birthday approached as my children were growing up they would ask what present they could get me. My response was always the same, “I want a clean, quiet house.” With eight children all living active, busy and often noisy lives that was the greatest gift I could desire. As my most recent birthday approached a month ago I received a note from one of my married sons. He told me that since his room was already clean and that he wasn’t around to be either noisy or quiet he would have to settle with telling me what a great mom I have been. I was very touched because not just ten minutes earlier I had been questioning my abilities as a mother, grandmother and mother-in-law. I do not know why we women are so hard on ourselves but we are. Such negative introspection just seems to be built in our make-up. It is as if we carry this backpack full of guilt and thoughts on why we aren’t as good as someone else. I’m starting to realize that motherhood is an imperfect science. There are too many variables that enter in and too many different personalities and situations in child rearing that can influence and alter the results you desire. That “agency” factor comes into play too many times.

I read an article the other day that gave me great insight and I would like to pass on this bit of information. Written by Howard W. Hunter in the November 1983 Ensign he provided counsel on being a parent in the world. I find that truth does not need a date to be pertinent. “A successful parent is one who has loved, one who has sacrificed, and one who has cared for, taught and ministered to the needs of a child. If you have done all of these and your child is still wayward or troublesome or worldly, it could well be that you are, nevertheless, a successful parent. Perhaps there are children who have come into the world that would challenge any set of parents under any set of circumstances. Likewise, perhaps there are others who would bless the lives of and be a joy to almost any father or mother.”

These words give me comfort for several reasons. It helps to explain the variables that exist while raising a child and helps me realize that the measurement of success is not in the worldly honors, fame or glory that your child earns or even the callings they receive in the Church. Success is simply the ability to love.

Several years ago I saw a sign posted in a dentist office that I have often reflected upon. It stated, “The only things you owe your child are: 1. A religious upbringing; 2. An education; 3. Straighten their teeth.” I have found that to be true. Our responsibility as a mother is not in your child’s success but in their foundation. They choose what is built upon that foundation. The teachings of the gospel give them an understanding of eternal principles and laws; an education enables them an understanding of life, preparation to provide for themselves and others and to give back to society; and straight teeth provides oneself a positive self-esteem and confidence. Together they afford a child the ability to achieve and strive for higher goals.

My house is clean and much quieter than it used to be. My children come home far too infrequently, just for visits. The foundations have been formed. Now is the time to watch and enjoy the structures that are built on those foundations.

Rebellion in the Ranks

Someone commented on my monthly articles observing, “I see you never write about wayward children because you’ve never experienced that.” I have often reflected on her comment … having a large family we have experienced numerous challenges. We often hear, “life is the best teacher” and it is. I have come to realize you can also learn the lessons of life without going to the extreme depth of any experience.  Every child rebels at varies levels and degrees. The principles a parent applies in dealing with wayward behaviors are the same regardless of the degree. Not one family is exempt from rebellion in the ranks, only the degree of rebellion.

Our family’s goal early on was to have all our sons and daughters serve missions. To date seven have or are serving missions and our last daughter is preparing.  Each missionary has spoken a different language, adjusted to different customs and worked under different mission presidents who had their own leadership style and attitudes on the work.   Their missions were totally different from one another in circumstances and challenges but the point is all my children returned home with the same results, having gained stronger testimonies, tolerance for others and a love for the people they served.  Further they all came home ready to get on with their lives in a productive way. They achieved the same knowledge even though they all served in different countries with different companions, mission presidents and cultures. This made me realize we don’t need to personally experience the exact same circumstances to gain understanding and compassion for what others go through. 

A friend telephoned me complaining about her young son’s annoying behavior. His speech was always negative, disagreeable and his behavior towards those of lesser physical stature was just short of being a bully. What is the reason for his behavior? What does he really need?  These are the probing questions a parent should consider when analyzing negative behavior as opposed to merely receiving advice to “Hold onto your hats and enjoy the ride.”  In reality the way a parent handles each circumstance of their children will set the foundation and precedent for them either to continue in that behavior or to alter and modify their behavior into their teens and adult life.

Great advice I once received was to “act, don’t react.” Try to understand what your children want from you and why. Then treat the cause of that behavior not the behavior itself.  I know this is theory but the principles are always the same.  Rebellion does not start when one becomes a teenager because behavior is a learned habit and begins as a toddler.   The challenging role of motherhood requires molding young personalities to develop positive attitudes and attributes, this is not an easy task and requires years of effort…what is easy is having a career and going to work everyday.  I admire you young mothers who are choosing the more difficult yet more rewarding path.

I know these thoughts may not be comforting to those whose children are at a deeper level of rebellion but the gospel gives each of us hope.  Joseph Smith remarked, “When a seal is put upon the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost, but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their father and mother.” He also stated, “Our Heavenly Father is more liberal in His views, and boundless in His mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive.” The temple blessings that we are all entitled to are the binding ties that will save our families.  Because of Jesus Christ, the sins of this generation can be taken away and this gives us knowledge that our children will be not only forgiven but also saved.  Never lose hope in that reality and gift.  As parents we may not feel we can influence the inner thoughts of our children but we can direct our own thoughts and actions.  We need to live the gospel the best we can and show the unconditional love that our Savior demonstrated through his example. 

You don’t need to have a rebellious child to gain what the Savior has sent us here to learn as we each are serving a different mission so to speak. But for those parents who are challenged with extremely rebellious children we learn from and admire you as you show unconditional love. We gain compassion and understanding from you. Our admiration may never take the sting away or give you comfort especially when the crowds are gone, the doors are shut and you are left alone with your concerns but the example you are teaching all of us about being the parents the Lord desires is exemplary. For that I say thank you for being the way you are and for teaching us how to be Christ like.

Grace to Grace

"In the many trials of life, when we feel abandoned and when sorrow, sin, disappointment, failure, and weakness make us less than we should ever be, there can come the healing salve of the unreserved love in the grace of God. It is a love that lifts and blesses. It is a love that sustains a new beginning on a higher level and thereby continues from grace to grace."

 --James E. Faust, "A Personal Relationship with the Savior", Ensign, November 1976, p. 59.

Eph. 4:12, 13

Practice make Perfect...

The other day I ran into a friend who I haven’t seen in ages. While playing catch up about our children she commented on our eldest son who is doing a surgical residency.  She asked, “And where is Scott practicing?”  The way she pronounced practicing it sounded as if he was only practicing what he had learned.  The word practice could take on a dual meaning depending upon the intonation of your voice, one referring to the medical profession as an occupation and the other as trying to do something.  I had to chuckle thinking of my own misinterpretation of her vocal inflection while visualizing my son practicing surgery by trial and error. Not a good idea!  My son did make the comment to me that when he walked into the first day of his surgical residency all the book learning in the world could not make up for his lack of experience in the hospital.  Both are needed, the book learning for the foundation and the experience of applying gained knowledge.

The impression came to me later as I thought back on my friend’s question that, in fact, aren’t we all really practicing in some way or another what we have learned.  How many times have I heard someone say, “I was too uptight with my older children” or “If I were to do it again, I would do it differently” or “I didn’t get it right until my younger ones came along”.   Most often we learn by doing something over and over again.  Error is an acceptable part of life.  I see this in raising children.  I am not a perfect parent.  My children are not perfect children yet we love and encourage them to practice the principles that we teach until they become proficient in their tasks and assignments. Do we not learn from a book or example first and then practice what we learn?  From every Gospel principle to skills around our home or at work we learn first from books and examples then move on to practice and experience.

As I look back at the different phases of life we all go through I recognize trial and error in every aspect. It is a pleasure to know that I have finished several phases of life and I can now watch my own children go though some of the same exact growth experiences that I went through.  I’ve often wondered how much our Heavenly Father enjoys watching us?  With a sense of humor He probably enjoys observing us as teenagers, knowing that the day will come when we will have teens going though the same experiences that we had a hard time with.  But it is practice and experience that makes us better parents.  We have been there!  Can you imagine saying to your children? “Hey, go out and party…Sure, you can stay out all night…don’t worry about school! It’s boring anyway…etc.”  We have gained an understanding of life through our own practicing and those experiences bring both an enlightenment and compassion into our parenting skills.

Your children inspire me as I hear of them practicing correct principles.  It reminds me of the time when one of my boys came home from the junior prom.  He related to me the sad tale of his friend who was ditched all night by his date.  His friend, not knowing how to handle the situation being inexperienced (unpracticed) in this area, hung out with my son and his date most of the night.  The three of them had a great time!  The gratification in this story came at the last dance.  My son’s date learned over to him and asked, “Would you mind if I danced with “John”?  I feel so sorry for him.”  Empathizing with the situation my son gladly agreed and the evening was somewhat saved for “John”.  He recognized that someone understood his predicament and valued his well-being.  This young lady should have a gold star put on her forehead!  Somewhere along the line of practicing at life she was not only taught well but also practiced what she had been taught.  The day will come when the young lady who ditched her date, will have children.  Maybe she will then remember this incident and feel remorse for her actions, wanting her own child not to be treated in the manner she so long ago had treated her date.  Both girls will have learned the same principle in totally different ways and at different times.

I marvel at the wisdom of our Father.  “Practice Makes Perfect” is a true statement.  I am just glad that we have been given the chance to try and try again until we get it right and a Father who understands that it might take several tries before we achieve success.   He is more forgiving than we are when it comes to trial-and-error learning.  Humm…being more forgiving… now that is one of His many characteristics we should all practice!

A Change of Heart

It is not often I announce my imperfections, let alone put them in print for the world to read. Usually I write about others but I had such an eye opener this past month I felt the need to share it with everyone hoping you might get a new perspective on relationships as I have done. I recently attended an event that was neither work nor church related.  It was at the end of a very long, tiring day and I just wasn’t in the mood to go.  Upon arrival as I surveyed the room, hesitating to mix and mingle, I thought to myself, “I really don’t want to be here and besides, I don’t like any of these people nor do I have anything in common with them.”  I left as soon as the first opportunity came, happy to get back into my own world.

An unexpected evaluation of my attitude took place the very next day when I encountered a friend whose mother who had just passed away.  She said, “I have discovered with her passing what matters most in this life is not how much you are loved by others, but  how much you love others. At the viewing everyone who came to say goodbye to her and I could honestly relate to them a time and circumstance my mother had told me how much she loved them as a friend.” 

I immediately remembered the previous night and what a selfish, self-serving attitude I had.  How many times have I thought to myself, “I wonder why that person doesn’t care for me?”  Instead of dwelling on inward thoughts of how many people like you or how many friends you have, the question should be outward… “How many people do I love and really care for?”  Something tells me that by truly loving those around you love and friendships will automatically come back to you.

Rethinking the past evening surely there were several individuals at that event who needed what I might have given them if I had just reached out in nonjudgmental conversation and become acquainted with them.  Sadness comes in missed opportunity. How many lives could be touched and influenced for the better if we would but love?  Instead of wondering if we are loved.

How can we teach this principle to our children?  I believe in encouraging a child to reach outward. Instead of waiting for friends to come to them the idea is to encourage your child to be the friend who approaches and initiates to make others feel welcome and accepted.

A great example of this is a story my daughter shared with me. “Recently a family was baptized in our ward.  They first came to know the church because as they were dropping their son off on the first day of school, they overheard our bishop tell his son, "Okay, now who out there looks like they need a friend?” ‘  What a different perspective to take looking beyond yourself and reach out to others.  Once you have that attitude, friends come.  Teach your children to love others and not to worry about who loves them.

So along with admitting my imperfections I will also express my goals.  A change of heart has taken place in me.  I will forever look at others differently and with more charity. I will not miss another opportunity to meet a new friend and to find something in each person to love. 

The following Sunday as I surveyed the wonderful sisters I interact with in my ward, I looked into each face. They are easy to love anyway but I looked at them differently. Looking past our differences I saw our similarities. With gratitude I recognized qualities in them that have been a positive influence on me.  I found in each one of them something that I truly loved.

The Christmas season is the perfect time to teach by example. Simple acts of kindness that your children see you do is the very best gift you can give them.

Elder Robert J. Whetten counsels: “Every unselfish act of kindness and service increases your spirituality. God uses you to bless others. Your continued spiritual growth and eternal progress are very much wrapped up in your relationships—in how you treat others. Do you indeed love others and become a blessing in their lives? Isn’t the measure of the level of your conversion how you treat others? The person who does only those things in the Church that concern himself alone will never reach the goal of perfection. Service to others is what the gospel and exalted life are all about.” “Strengthen Thy Brethren,” Liahona, May 2005