What Is God's Part Anyway

Finals week for student is always stressful and rightly so. It is just what is says… they are being tested on their total knowledge gained during the past semester. The grade is final and stays on their record all the way to college and even beyond. The accumulation of these grades can allow them to go on the university of their choice … or prevent them from doing so! There is generally no mercy if they get a poor grade. No going back to renegotiate because they have been tested, graded and that is final!
I found a post-it note on my computer one morning after my son had been up most of the night studying for his math final. The note read, “Hi Mom, I’ve worked hard in math all semester. I have been tutored, stayed after school to get help and have always done my homework. I have done my part so what is God’s part in helping me do well on this final?” I smiled at his question and also his, tongue in cheek, sense of humor. I also thought to myself, “How am I going to answer this one?” After he woke up and got ready for seminary we had family prayer and asked the Lord to bless him with a clear mind during the test.

I have found it hard as a mother to describe to my children how prayers are answered. Explaining this concept is not always so cut and dried as other questions they ask. The requests in our prayers have different levels of importance and there are some situations in life when the Lord expects you to grow and learn on your own, coming up with your personal solutions and even possibly making mistakes because of them. In our home we often ask the question, “How important is that in the eternal aspect of things? Our father in Heaven hears what we say and knows our concerns yet agency is never compromised. How can we explain that prayers are answered…but it may not be with a letter grade?

I was visiting an institute class with my older son in Iowa and the topic was keeping an eternal perspective in this busy world we live in. The prophet Moses was used as the example. Before he began the task of bringing the Israelites out of Egypt Moses needed an understanding of God’s eternal perspective and plan to help him get through the tasks and trials of his calling. Mosses had been raised in an environment and with the knowledge that Pharaoh was god and therefore, “all powerful.” He had seen this power in use during the first forty years of his life. Therefore, Moses needed to have a sure knowledge that God is God, the one who created the worlds and the task Moses was asked to do would be possible only though His eternal power. As obstacles came in his way Moses would need this confidence to accomplish his assignment. Our children need to develop this same confidence in the tasks they are here to do. Moses was shown all of God’s creations that allowed him to see the importance of his task from an eternal perspective. In preparation Moses was also told several times that he was, His son,” and had been called by God to complete this work and therefore a way would be provided for him to accomplish the assigned task. My favorite verse is in Moses 1:6 where the Lord tells him, “That all things are present with me, for I know them all.”

This thought gave me insight how to explain to my son that the Lord is very well aware of all his concerns, even his math final. In the eternal aspect of things the Lord is not going to rescue him from failure if he has not done his part in preparation. There is wisdom in letting us experience agency and accountability! My son needed to understand that God’s part has already been done and the tools for him to succeed are already in place. From an eternal perspective He allowed my son to be born in the time when knowledge is ours for the taking. He lives here in a country where freedom to learn is encouraged. He gave him a healthy body with the ability to think, reason and solve problems. He is a child of God who is known personally by his Father in Heaven and knows of his concerns. He has provided a plan where he may always correct errors made during this test of life and mercy will always be extended in his behalf. (This is more than the school system can offer!) He has given him a constant companion to guide him through uncertain times but the one thing He will not do for my son is to come and take the math test. Achievement results on this temporal test will be exactly what he earned with the help of a clear mind and his own preparation. He is a child of God and has those attributes to succeed in any task given to him.

The real question is: “What is your part to help yourself do well in math? Have you developed a drive to achieve your best? Do you have a desire to work and study hard? Do you have the courage necessary to ask questions and seek help when needed? Do you take care of yourself spiritually and live in such a way that you can receive help from the Holy Ghost?” If you can say you have done your part then “God’s part” will be achieved. The eternal final is the one that we must keep continually in our thoughts and gain a true understanding of what part God plays in that test.

P.S. He did fine on the exam plus gained a new understand of “God’s part” in the many small tests along this eternal road.

Stay On Target

During the holiday season my children asked me to watch the movie “Star Wars” with them so my crocheting came out as the DVD marathon began. We got to the part I the fourth episode as Luke Skywalker and his pilot comrades are on their mission to destroy the Death Star. To complete their goal they need to fly down a long narrow crevice, locate a small hole then send their weapon into it, which will start a chain reaction of destruction. They, of course, are flying at self-destruct speed. The camera is taking you on this journey with them which always makes me close my eyes so my stomach will not self destruct as well. While on the mission you see Luke’s buddies crashing and burning off the sidewalls as the enemy pursues them. You begin to understand the dangers they are up against. One wrong move sends them spiraling off their course. Luke has control command watching his progress and talking to him through his headset. These words rang into my own ears has I heard them telling Luke to, “Stay on target.” Over and over they repeated this directive to him, which helped him focus on the task at hand while not worrying about the chaos that was taking place all around him. These words of advice were repeated several times until finally another voice told him to, “Trust you senses,” so he turned off the radio. He was prepared to listen to the inner voice. In doing so he completed his goal, returned the hero and received his reward. This was a great end to a Hollywood drama.

We had a great Gospel discussion as we watched this part of the movie about life and how each of us have a mission to accomplish and how we need to stay focused while the world spins around us. I was not prepared for the call I got just a couple days later that brought this real life narrow crevice into reality. The surprise call was not from one of my children but a girl that I had watched grow up and had mentored thought her teen years. After a brief update on her life she informed me that she was getting married the next week to a non-member whom she had met just a few months before. I, of course, was secretly heartsick. My time for giving advice was over.

I became friends with this young woman in her teen years and watched as she earned her young women medallion. I observed her with pride as she became a leader among her friends and excelled in her talents. I shared the drama as she motivated her high school boyfriend to go on a mission while she went off to college. Everything looked promising in her life if she would just stay the course. Then the unpredictable happened. She lost sight of her long-term goals. As she went off to college the constant, “Stay on Target,” voices of mentors and friends were gone. Her missionary came home but she had changed too much him to reach his eternal goals. He went his own way. Money for school ran out so she had to drop out of college. Her life to her seemed to be in a spiral downward spin into that deep crevice. When life got hard she lost sight of what she really wanted. She forgot to listen to the spirit voice that would have guided her through this momentary trial.

We women are not only mothers to our own children but we influence everyone with whom we come in contact. I’m sure you’ve heard the cliché, “It take a village to raise a child.” I find this to be true. My own children are better people because of their association with others. Sometimes it is easier for young people to ask advice from a third party rather than their own parents. I am grateful for everyone who has reinforced my values and stands to my children as they have expanded their center of influence.

I have thought over and over what happened in this young women’s life? Where did the voices go telling her to, “ Stay on Target?” Did I let her down by not keeping in contact with her? Was her preparation to listen to her own inner voice not complete? I many never know the answers to these questions and it may not be any of these scenarios but I can’t help but wonder.

I’ve heard the saying several times that, “Sometimes we trade what we want most for the things we want now.” In our world of instant gratification many of our children want a quick happiness not realizing that true happiness takes years to achieve with many struggles along the way. I wondered if in the lessons I taught this young woman that maybe I prepared her for a wedding instead of a marriage? The two are totally different. One is momentary, an event, whereas the other is eternal. My lessons taught will have a new focus from now on. My own children will be told over and over again that the moment is fleeting. Choices and more importantly their consequences are long lasting sometimes even eternal.

My young friend who has made a choice in her life that I would have advised against has not self-destructed. She will continue on and her path will just bring other challenges and choices that she will have to make decisions on. It is my attitude that has changed because of her. I will not let her down again. It may be a different face next time but I have learned form the past. I will always be ther3e to gently say, “Stay on target,” to the children in my realm of influence. We all need that mentor no matter how old we get to remind us what it is, “we really want most!”

Positive Self-Talk

Our older children often joke about “emotional scars” they received during their growing up years in our home. Whenever we get together they enjoy reminiscing about their memories and poking fun at our parenting. I just hope, deep down, that I have been able to raise my children to adulthood without too much trauma to their personalities. The only scar to which I’ll admit taking blame for is the male pattern baldness gene that they got from my Grandmother’s father which really is so far removed from me that it shouldn’t matter. Nevertheless, we all need to blame our faults on someone so my broad shoulders will bear the burden. Each time baldness is brought up I do remind my sons that they all had a full head of hair until they left home.

Seriously, one scar that I never wanted my children to have was low self-esteem. I have seen the abuse given to some children as their mother belittled and humiliated them in public. My heart would ache as I wished I could take those children home with me and love them. I never wanted my children to feel that kind of humiliation.

Each child’s personality is so different and it is often a difficult struggle to find out what positive reinforcement approach works. No matter what I did some of my children still had struggles developing a good self-image. I wonder if this is more the rule than the exception in their path to adulthood. Being noticed in a positive way brings a sense of reward and gratification and aids in self-perception. The road to good self-esteem is an individual journey with both cheering and jeering from the sidelines. The important point is to protect against those negative comments coming from the sidelines while helping them internalize the positive ones.

I read a great book several years ago that helped me to understand this concept. The title is, What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, by Shad Helmstetter. I would highly recommend this book if you have a child with self-defeating behavioral patterns. The main concept of the book promotes replacing the many negative thought you tell yourself each day and changing them in positive thoughts. For example, don’t say,
“Today was a rough day.” Change your thoughts to see the day as, “So many good things happened today.”

A secret I learned long ago is, “Tell your child that he is what you want him to become.” For instance, “John, you are such a kind young man,” or, “Annie, I love the way you show wisdom in the decisions your make.” The more they think about your comments the more those positive reinforcement will affect whom they become. With so much negative out there we as mother need to be the positive force behind their self-image. Self-confidence is produced just as it is stated… SELF… A child becomes what they are told they are and what they tell themselves they are. It doesn’t take a Doctorate in Child Development to come to this conclusion or to help your child overcome self-doubt. It takes love, patience and a lot of positive reinforcement.
Once when reading in Isaiah, verse 61:3 the phrase “the garment of praise” caught my attention causing me to ponder and reflect on its meaning. As mothers we make sure our children are properly clothed and fed, taught personal hygiene, and that they learn proper manners and etiquette so society will accept them. But what about clothing them with daily praise as they live in your home so they will accept themselves? As they learn to accept who they are the approval of their peers becomes less and less important and they become more self-confidence rather than peer-confident.

Years ago I read a study that revealed when a child leaves home for the day he receives at least five negative comments about himself from other people before the first recess at school. How important is it that we reinforce their positive image at home? Very important! No one really cares about your child with the same interest or intensity as his or her mother. Only rarely do you find a teacher or friend who has the same concern about your child as you do. You are the one who cheers the loudest from the sideline on his journey to self-confidence. It is your voice he hears the loudest.

If you listen to your children you can tell how they feel about themselves. They will give you both negative and positive feedback clues. How many times have you heard some of these comments, “I didn’t have any friends to play with today,” or “I had the best time at recess,” or “My classes are too hare,” or “My teacher told me today that I read very well.” These statements reflect their inner self-perceptions allowing you, their mother, to gauge their self-image.

As they grow older the nature of their comments change but not their subtle meaning. They are telling you how they feel the world sees them and also how they perceive themselves as an individual. We need to listen and help them sift through all the comments they hear and teach them to eliminate the negative and internalize the positive. Internalizing everyone’s comments throughout his life your child starts to tell himself who he is and those thoughts make him the person he really becomes.

Hopefully, your child grown to adulthood will be able to look at his thinning hairline and realize that one’s character is not judged by the thickness of their hair. This will mean that self-confidence has truly been achieved.

Motherhood Drawbacks

I’ve come to realize that our calling of Motherhood has some difficult emotions. When your child reaches adulthood you find yourself out of a job! This summer we enjoyed the wedding of our fourth child, Steven. He married a wonderful girl at the right time and in the right place. We are thrilled for them, but my “baby blues” came after the reception when the ribbons and bows were put away and the chairs were stacked neatly in the corner. With all the happiness that surrounds a wedding why do I have this empty feeling that a part of me is gone?

Everyone seems to move on with life but as a mother, more than anyone else, you deeply feel the transition that needs to take place. No longer can unsolicited advice flow freely to your child. That day has past and the time you’ve so long prepared your child for has come. This time a paradox is created, sadness that the apron strings are cut and happiness that your goal to successfully prepare you child to leave home has been achieved. A mother must now move out of her comfort zone and put on another hat, or as I refer to it, “move over to the next chair.” This new role is a hard transition to make. The chair that you now need to sit in has a bold sign posted above it that reads, “This person will only give advice when asked.” At first it is a difficult seat to feel comfortable in. It is a big adjustment to instantly stop mothering when you have worked so hard to perfect those skills during the past twenty plus years.

What can we do to alter our approach as a mother? Is it possible to stay close to adult children while maintain the ability to properly influence them? It is now important for us to put those mothering skills we have gained towards a new focus. We need to become their friend not their parent. The key work is the last sentence is “their.” No longer is your child single because with marriage the relationship has become a package deal, involving your child’s spouse as well. You must become your new son-in-law’s or daughter-in-law’s best supporter and biggest advocate, just as you did while mothering your own child.

The question to ask oneself is, “What really makes a good friend?’ In my opinion a friend is someone who 1) never judges but loves me for who I am, 2) doesn’t expect friendship on their terms, 3) always encourages but doesn’t say, “I told you so” when my plan doesn’t work, 4) gives honest advice when asked but never requires me to follow it, 5) is there for me when the chips are down but doesn’t bale me out of every challenge I face and 6) listens without offering opinions. This makes a good friend in my view but more importantly a good mother to adult children.

I hope I’m not alone in my feelings. This transition is hard but I am beginning to see the rewards of moving over to the “Next chair.” It is the one with the title posted above it that reads, “grandmother.” In fact that title has it’s own unique sense of power built on love, wisdom and patience. When intertwined together these qualities create an influence for a grandchild that even his own parent (your child) will never have. So when asked what I want to become after all my children are gone, my reply is simply, “A Grandmother.”

Ye Shall Not Fear

Two mothers asked me this month how to deal with the fear their children were experiencing due to today’s world events.  Between the natural disasters close at home and around the world, election bashing, economic reports, world conflicts and negative news in general, the world seems to be very fragile.  It does make us all question our safety and stability.

I was thinking about the book, Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott.  This novel based during the Civil War era depicts a family with several daughters. They found joy in their daily lives in spite of all the circumstances that surrounded them.  Their father was away at war, illness hit the family and uncertainty of the times permeated their lives yet they always found joy in daily living and in being a family.  Yes, it is fiction but the finding of joy, peace, love and safety in each other is real.

My mother was a teenager during World War II and shared with me several experiences of those years like rationing of fuel, clothing and food such as sugar, curfews with lights out, wondering for weeks if a sister’s fiancé had gone down with the navel ship, the Normandy, the blue stars in the windows of the homes signifying a son was away fighting in the war or a gold star signifying a son had been killed in our country’s service. She walked by one house on her way to school that had five stars in the window… three of them were gold. I for one would not trade my concerns of today for her generations’ experiences and fears. I asked if she remembered being afraid and her comment was the answer that the two mothers needed to hear. She said, “My mother and father never gave us reason to fear.  We had love and security in our home. They were at peace and so they passed it on to their children.” 

In both the book, Little Women, and my mother’s stressful times during World War II  many joys were felt, fun experiences had, laughter, joy and security were felt.  I’ve seen pictures of my mother and her family during those years.  Those images showed everyone laughing, hugging, family outing and parties with friends. The reflections of the faces in the photos did not seem to have a concern or worry in the world.  My mother experienced a happy teenage life.  Why? I feel her parents were the key to her security.

Elder Holland stated in the Church’s worldwide training for members in February, “With all that’s happening around us, internationally and otherwise. I think there’s a lot of fear.  I hear a lot of fear among our young single adults and teenagers wondering whether there’s going to be a future.  It’s always been tough.  There has never been a time in the history of the world when there weren’t problems, when there weren’t things to be fearful about.  That’s why we have the gospel.  We can’t live in fear… not in this Church… that somehow things aren’t going to work out or that there’s too much that’s ominous out there that’s going to strike.  That can be personal fear or collective fear for civilization.  We just need to live the gospel and summon our faith and get answers to our prayers and go forward.  That’s the way it’s always been done.”

The secret of coping with fear is…  faith in the gospel plan, knowledge that you are loved and known by a loving Heavenly Father.  Safety is felt in a loving home environment; feelings of security happen when you have prepared physically for any natural disaster or economic recession that could occur. Mentally… when you feel gratitude for what you have… what you have is enough because you are not constantly wishing you had more. 

If our trust is put in things of the world then we do have need to fear.  As life changes around us physically our faith and trust should be in the Lord’s plan and what he has in store for us.  With that knowledge there is no need to fear. Principles and gospel life style will never change and will bring security to our lives.  The iron rod is there if we will hold on to it. 

Children are generally unaware of world changes.  They are more aware of changes within the walls of their home.  Our place as mothers is to not let your fears become your child’s fear.  Create a home of love, rules, consistency, happiness and laughter, a place where the world’s problems are not the main concern.  Turn off the media that may bring those feelings of fear into their lives.  Let them feel the peace that the gospel can bring and the love, calmness and security that you can give them.  

Be What You Know

In the book Abraham Lincoln’s Philosophy of Common Sense is the famous quote of Lincoln honoring his mother, “All that I am, all that I hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” We have all heard that quote before but are you aware of what his mother said to him just before she passed away? Her last words to him were, “Be something, Abe.” I have wondered how many times Abraham Lincoln reflected on those words as he was making choices in his own life as the years went by. Those words, “Be something,” express every mother’s desire as we look upon our children and wish only wonderful things for them.  But just as Abe’s mother was not with him while he was making life’s daily choices, neither can we always be with our children as they make every choice in life. 

We can only hope that they will become what they know and what we have taught them to be. How many times have you heard the phrase said, “That sounds just like your mother or father?” Because, like it or not, for good or bad, our children become like us and take on our characteristics and judgments in making choices.  They internalize our examples as they watch us. Sometimes self-evaluation of our own choices will benefit our children in theirs’.

Events in my life lately have caused me to contemplate the power we have in our own lives and the power to direct that life just by the choices we make.  While reading one of my daughter’s Harry Potter books, Dumbledore, with all his wisdom, tells Harry, “It’s not your accomplishments that make you who you are, it is your choices.”  Those sage words have come into my mind several times this past month. 

We attended a medical school graduation ceremony where 150 students were being honored for their accomplishments.  I feel their success that day did not just start four years ago when they entered the classroom.  Further, it was not just one choice, but several choices, that brought them to this point in their lives.  When did those choices begin?  Who helped them make those choices or was it solely all their own doing?  Did every student get out of his or her education the same thing?  These are rhetorical questions only presented to invoke thought and I personally don’t know if there is any one answer to them as there are so many variables in life.

After rearing my own children and working with others in various callings and organizations it amazes me that this concept of choice can lead them in so many different directions.  One’s educational or occupational path is not better than another path, just different and tailored to one’s personality and talents.  I do feel, however, that every choice begins with a seed or suggestion or encouragement.  This is where we mothers come in.  These graduating students did not get there solely on their own aspiration.  Yes, they provided the discipline, but that cheering section in the audience with their support and encouragement gave an added boost.  These students had a team of teachers, peer support and examples to help them complete their choice but the main aspiration and encouragement of their choice probably came from their parents.  This goes for every child as they make choices during their formative years.

I just returned from taking 38 high school choral students and chaperones to New York City.  I planned and arranged everything and scheduled events so we would always be together except for a little free time to explore.  I was amazed that even though we all went to the same places, so many different experiences were later shared.  I realized that it was their individual choices of attitude and exploration that made the experience either wonderful or unsatisfactory.  The unique point here is it was their choice! Going to NYC and having a great time is insignificant compared to a major life altering decision. Choice is not appreciated until it is taken away and sometimes a bad choice can alter the rest of one’s life. I just heard from a friend that her 16-year-old daughter was pregnant and getting married.  Somewhere in this young lady’s life decisions were made that led to this crossroad in her life.  Things will never be the same for her. The accountability from her choice is now in effect.

I don’t know the secret to help youth make wise choices in their lives. With so many different personalities in the world all reacting differently I’m sure there isn’t any set answer.   If I did know, however, I could make millions selling that information.  For sure, experience is the best teacher and a child will learn from mistakes as well as wise choices.  I also know that a child needs to learn early about making mistakes. Feeling the results of bad choices will prevent him/her from making additional poor choices.  We mothers cannot helicopter in and rescue or defend their actions.  No doubt this is sometimes easier said than done.  The Lord gave us mothers the innate capacity to love and protect our children but there are times when they fail and need to feel the pain of their unwise choices.

My son is spending his summer half way around the world in Japan. Driving to the airport I kept reiterating the checklist of “do’s and don’ts”. He kept saying, “I know, Mom, I know” accompanied with that sigh confirming that he had heard it all before.  I paused, looked at him and said…. “Well, my son, be what you know!” Those were my last words to him!  I could tell that the time had come when he was done with my advice and admonitions. I felt a sense of relief come over me because the transfer of accountability had just taken place. His choices are forever his own along with the results of those choices. 

My last words were not “Be something!” but my words meant the same thing.  The transfer of power to make choices and own the consequences from those choices are now on his shoulders even though I haven’t passed away.   Saying this to your children… “Be what you know!” empowers them to make wise choices because deep down they will remember your counsel.  We can only hope they will reflect on these four words as they make daily choices in their lives.

The Ball Is In Your Court

I remember the number of games I attended each week with 6 boys playing sports.  Almost every night of the week and every Saturday were filled with practices or games to attend.  I knew I had mentally lost it when I started forgetting which game was where and with whom...I needed a map with a sports schedule attached to keep it all straight. 

Did I enjoy them?  This question became the subject of conversation when the mother of only one son was sitting by me one night on the bleachers. She was going on about how wonderful it was to get out of the house to enjoy a good ball game.  She then asked, “Don’t you just love being here?”  Almost as if a remote control button was pushed I paused that moment in time as thoughts of everything else I could be doing at home ran through my mind.  Instead, here I was sitting at the ball park, a cold wind blowing through me with innings that never seemed to end as boy after boy took their turn at bat.  Just as I was about to answer her question the coach yelled at the umpire and marched   onto the field for a vile face to face confrontation and was immediately asked to leave the game.  This whole scene represented another great example of team spirit and playing with honor as my son witnessed his coach and team leader being kicked out of the game.

To answer her question I could not help but think that after years of watching game after game…sport after sport…the involvement I enjoyed and literally loved was watching my sons play.  I rallied my focus and watched in awe as my child participated, did well and loved his involvement in each sport.  Did I enjoy the games and get involved in each play! The answer is no…I was not there to see the game because I loved it…I came to see my sons play the game because I loved them.  That is the answer.  I can’t say that I am like most mothers.  I’m sure that some of you love every aspect of every sport including those coaches with errant behavior.  Over the years I learned that some games are won and some games are lost but there will always be another game tomorrow.  It truly is how you play the game, not whether you win or lose.  I know those may be fighting words to some but from my perspective, that’s the way I view it.

To me it was not about the game at all…it was about my son who was playing! Games and sports were a way for me to stay close to my sons.  You really can’t take them shopping or out to lunch where you just “bond”.  With a boy you bond on the practice field and the game field watching him, cheering him on, making him think that he is wonderful and a great asset to the team.  It was the after game activity that meant the most to me, driving home reviewing the game as my son eagerly chatted about the experience.  This was more fun than the game itself.  Talking about the different plays of the game or the strategies of the different players and coaches were the bonding moments that made the previous three hour game worthwhile! Were all those years worth it?  That answer is definitely a YES!  Would I do it again? Again, the answer is yes, because those games brought me closer to my sons.  Even today we talk about the different seasons of sports, coaches and plays.  They still remember every great play they ever made and expect me to remember them too.  I don’t, but what is important is they do and still talk to me about it. 

My boys have now outgrown those past seasons of sports and to tell you the truth I don’t miss all those games. My life is without regret in that area. I went to their games and enjoyed being with them.  With the ill twist of fate though I have decided that life is cruel because now that my sons are older, somehow they still do not like to go shopping or go out to lunch.  What is it that they do when they all get together?…They play sports… and if they are not playing a sport they are talking about them. So, what is a mother’s dilemma here?  It comes in thinking of ways to stay bonded with our sons who are still narrow in their extra curricular enrichment activities.  I have come to the conclusion that the ball is in our court though, if I can use that term. We need to get on their playing field, so I’ve come up with a strategy that works. Talk sports with your sons by keeping up on who’s who in the sports trivia world like who is the homerun king, why a coach picked a certain strategy, which team will make the NBA finals or which leg of the race they are on…then after those moments of bonding, take his wife out shopping and to lunch; she is the one who will appreciate it.  See, it is a win-win situation; we really can coach and win this game of motherhood.  It is all in the strategy.

Teach Me What I Must Be

Sterling W. Sill once said, “Each of us has two creators, God and ourselves.  In this job of creation, God provides the capital but we are expected to furnish the labor.”

What comforts me in this creation process is that it is not a do-it-yourself project.  We have help.  We have parents, siblings, children, Church family and friends that all play an important part in who we become.

I had the opportunity to sit in a lecture with Susan Easton Black, a Church history professor at Brigham Young University.  Her remarks opened up a new idea to me concerning this creation process that is a part of us all.  As I pondered her concepts they became a springboard in expanding my understanding of the ideas she shared.

Several years ago President Spencer W. Kimball asked that a word in the primary song, “I am a Child of God” be changed.  In the original version we sang…”Teach me, guide me, walk beside me. Help me find the way.  Teach me all that I must KNOW to live with Him someday.”

President Kimball suggested that we have moved beyond just knowing; he suggested that we sing, “Teach me all that I must DO to live with Him someday.”

Sister Black presented the idea that we need to think deeper yet.  She commented that we should be singing, “Teach me all that I must BE to live with Him someday.”

A new idea opened up to me.  She put my understanding of progression at a higher level and furnished me with a tool I could use in this “labor” part of my own creation and that of my children as well.

In thinking about this concept, To Know, To Do, To Be,  I came to realize that “To Be,” is really, “I am” when the verb is conjugated putting it into the present tense.  I find it interesting that one of the names our Savior uses in reference to Himself is, “I Am.”  We are always being challenged to become like the Savior or, in other words “To be” an “I am” person.  When we sing, “Teach me all that I must BE to live with Him someday”, we are really saying teach me to be one with the Savior in actions and purpose.  As individuals and parents our aim should be to teach our children to become an “I am” member of the Church.  We all know those Church members.  They are the ones we all look up to and respect because of their living the gospel unquestioningly.

You can take any principle of the gospel and teach it to your family by using the following simple approach.  For example, if you want your child to learn the principle of tithing you must first, teach them to know why they need to tithe.  Second, do the act of paying a full tithing on a regular basis.  It is the process and consistency that is important at this point.  Third, when it becomes a habit to pay a full tithing it then becomes second nature and is no longer a struggle.  Your child becomes that “To Be” or “I Am,” person in the principle that you are trying to help them develop within themselves.  With any gospel principle that you want your child to learn or understand, try this same approach.  It will work.  First I know, then I do, and finally I am.

I find myself thinking of the questions asked during the temple recommend interview.  If you could reword those questions from a “yes” or “no” answer, what a different meaning it would take on if you could answer simply “I am” to every question.  Striving to become like the Savior takes on an easy step-by-step approach.  It is a good self-test to see how you are doing in this creation process and tells how much more labor you have to put in.

As this New Year begins and goals are being set remind your children that they are not alone in this process of becoming.  There are parents, sibling, good fiends and ward family waiting to help but most importantly a Father in Heaven who has given them the “capital” to succeed.

Talent Scouts

I was listening to a radio talk host the other day who was emphasizing that all men are created equal… but after having eight children I have the experience to differ with his opinion.  We all should have equal rights under our laws but I have come to appreciate that we are not equal in our abilities, talents and drive. It is those differences that make our world interesting. We are all individually unique.  Can you imagine how unappreciative we would be if we were all Beethovens or Michaelangelos or had the leadership abilities of George Washington?  All of us have different gifts… if no one stood on the sidewalk, who would enjoy the parade? I have come to the conclusion that we are not just mothers, so here is one more description to add to our list of attributes…we are talent scouts as well!

I was reminiscing about a young man I knew.  Some years ago the high school choral teacher opened up her room every lunch hour for students to hang out and play with guitars.  One particular group always came in, known for their low achievement on campus. She became friends with them and, strategizing about the lack of male participation in her choral program, asked them to sing songs with her around the piano while she accompanied.  She played songs they knew and the genre of music that she felt they would relate to. What she discovered was a hidden talent in two of those boys.  Ultimately one became the bass that carried the whole section while the other boy was a first class tenor who now sings in Europe performing at the very best opera houses. Who would have thought?

How many children around us are gifted but have never played a piano or never picked up a paintbrush or have never been given the opportunity to make a speech or take a debate class. What about the child who has the aptitude for playing a harp but has never been close to one or the writer who is not encouraged to compose his feelings on paper. How blessed we are to have the knowledge that we can grow and progress throughout eternity because mortality doesn’t offer enough time or opportunity to explore all avenues of development.

Whenever the parable of the talents is brought up at church or someone talks about talents, either as money or attributes, I can’t help but think, after having been involved with so many personalities, that the Lord has given us all different gifts.  The fun is discovering what talents each child has and then helping them develop and increase those talents.

I think back on my child who lined his shoes up in the closet where everything was neat and in place.  Another was great musically and school was a breeze; one I turned to when I needed a hard physical work done; the contemplative one I made sure had drawing supplies and a journal to write in.  I had one that would talk his way out of any situation and we all believed him! Another one organized all the parties and one who entertained us with jokes and laughter, while the one who drove us all crazy with singing in the shower, was first on my list to take vocal lessons.  Everyone had lessons in music, art and sports ad nauseam and yet it took me several children before I realized that not all excelled at the same pace nor even had an interest in what I thought they needed to learn.  I was only there to give opportunity and direction, not to dictate what I thought they should excel in.

We mothers are talent scouts! Our job is to see qualities in every child we have influence over and encourage that quality into reaching its highest potential. 

Practice make Perfect...

The other day I ran into a friend who I haven’t seen in ages. While playing catch up about our children she commented on our eldest son who is doing a surgical residency.  She asked, “And where is Scott practicing?”  The way she pronounced practicing it sounded as if he was only practicing what he had learned.  The word practice could take on a dual meaning depending upon the intonation of your voice, one referring to the medical profession as an occupation and the other as trying to do something.  I had to chuckle thinking of my own misinterpretation of her vocal inflection while visualizing my son practicing surgery by trial and error. Not a good idea!  My son did make the comment to me that when he walked into the first day of his surgical residency all the book learning in the world could not make up for his lack of experience in the hospital.  Both are needed, the book learning for the foundation and the experience of applying gained knowledge.

The impression came to me later as I thought back on my friend’s question that, in fact, aren’t we all really practicing in some way or another what we have learned.  How many times have I heard someone say, “I was too uptight with my older children” or “If I were to do it again, I would do it differently” or “I didn’t get it right until my younger ones came along”.   Most often we learn by doing something over and over again.  Error is an acceptable part of life.  I see this in raising children.  I am not a perfect parent.  My children are not perfect children yet we love and encourage them to practice the principles that we teach until they become proficient in their tasks and assignments. Do we not learn from a book or example first and then practice what we learn?  From every Gospel principle to skills around our home or at work we learn first from books and examples then move on to practice and experience.

As I look back at the different phases of life we all go through I recognize trial and error in every aspect. It is a pleasure to know that I have finished several phases of life and I can now watch my own children go though some of the same exact growth experiences that I went through.  I’ve often wondered how much our Heavenly Father enjoys watching us?  With a sense of humor He probably enjoys observing us as teenagers, knowing that the day will come when we will have teens going though the same experiences that we had a hard time with.  But it is practice and experience that makes us better parents.  We have been there!  Can you imagine saying to your children? “Hey, go out and party…Sure, you can stay out all night…don’t worry about school! It’s boring anyway…etc.”  We have gained an understanding of life through our own practicing and those experiences bring both an enlightenment and compassion into our parenting skills.

Your children inspire me as I hear of them practicing correct principles.  It reminds me of the time when one of my boys came home from the junior prom.  He related to me the sad tale of his friend who was ditched all night by his date.  His friend, not knowing how to handle the situation being inexperienced (unpracticed) in this area, hung out with my son and his date most of the night.  The three of them had a great time!  The gratification in this story came at the last dance.  My son’s date learned over to him and asked, “Would you mind if I danced with “John”?  I feel so sorry for him.”  Empathizing with the situation my son gladly agreed and the evening was somewhat saved for “John”.  He recognized that someone understood his predicament and valued his well-being.  This young lady should have a gold star put on her forehead!  Somewhere along the line of practicing at life she was not only taught well but also practiced what she had been taught.  The day will come when the young lady who ditched her date, will have children.  Maybe she will then remember this incident and feel remorse for her actions, wanting her own child not to be treated in the manner she so long ago had treated her date.  Both girls will have learned the same principle in totally different ways and at different times.

I marvel at the wisdom of our Father.  “Practice Makes Perfect” is a true statement.  I am just glad that we have been given the chance to try and try again until we get it right and a Father who understands that it might take several tries before we achieve success.   He is more forgiving than we are when it comes to trial-and-error learning.  Humm…being more forgiving… now that is one of His many characteristics we should all practice!

New Beginnings

I was reminded the other day how differently girls and boys internalize knowledge and how they both can learn the same principle but from completely different perspectives.  My son who is serving in a bishopric called home excited to share with me his experience of attending a New Beginnings program for the young women in his ward.

“Mom,” he said, “what an uplifting meeting that was! Does the whole church do this or is it just something my ward does?” I teasingly reminded him that I had served in the Young Women’s program through all his teen years and we had discussed “New Beginnings” as he drove me to several of these programs so he could use my car to go play church basketball with his Young Men’s quorum. We had a good laugh as he questioned where he had been in life to not catch on to events around him.  That is a whole other topic!

I jokingly said to him, tongue in cheek that girls focus on spiritual experiences in the Young Women’s program.  It centers on teaching them to feel the spirit because their greatest responsibility will be to raise up the next righteous generation and set a gospel tone in their future homes. “They”, I said, “have more to do than play basketball and go on campouts to prepare them for their duties which lie ahead.”

“What,” he interjected, “you don’t think we had spiritual experiences in scouting? Did I ever tell you about the time we were camping and Jason threw a can of hairspray he took from his mom’s bathroom into the fire while the adult leaders were listening to the Lakers game on the car radio.  We boys prayed all the way as we ran back into the woods that we wouldn’t get killed by the explosion.  Look, it worked we are all adults now. That was a spiritual experience!”

“Or, what about another campout when Brent blew up a huge brown paper bag with air, tied a string around the top then threw it into the fire.  Weren’t we surprised when the bag lifted into the air about twenty feet and started floating over all those dry pine trees while it was burning?  You can bet as we ran beneath that fiery, floating bag for the next eternal minutes, we prayed like we’ve never prayed before that our scoutmaster wouldn’t make us clean the latrines and the whole camp by ourselves.  Assuming, or course, there was a camp that didn’t burn down. That was not only a spiritual experience but a learning one as well.”

There were many more “spiritual experience moments” my son related that we laughed about.  I found myself in the next few days thinking of those experiences and where my sons are today.  I truly have an appreciation for those programs and the experiences provided that taught them to be adventurous, to climb that next tall mountain, to be challenged, to accomplish their goals and yes to pray for guidance when they were confronted by serious problems or lost in the mountains with their adult leaders.

Even all the basketball they played taught them the positions (and responsibilities) of guard, forward, center, to be a team player, to understand offense and defense, and most importantly to be a good sport whether losing and winning.   They learned discipline, endurance, patience and teamwork.  All these principles were gained in the Young Men’s program and prepared them for life. Like the young women, their main responsibility also will be to train the next generation and set not only a spiritual but a leadership tone in their future homes.

Although there is a division between how young men and young women internalize principles, this difference actually compliments each other.  Both genders learn concepts and ideals in their own way that they will need in life. These differences with each other makes them a balanced and well rounded team to work together in their homes.

With a New Year rolling in set a goal in your families for your teens to be active in the program that is designed with their spiritual and social development in mind... the Young Men’s and Young Women’s programs.  It is there to assist you in raising the bar in your homes.

Let Them Go

I thought about this day several years ago as I held my last newborn in my arms but I didn’t realize it would be in here in the blink of an eye. I’ve sent my two youngest away this past month, one on a mission to Japan which is a whole different emotion and the other off to BYU – Provo.  As hard as it is on me to stop mothering I know their desire to leave home is a natural process.  If they don’t, they will end up pushing away and resenting the fact that they are still at home.  So the old oxymoron phrase takes on a more significant meaning, “To keep them, you have to let them go.”  It really is too bad because after their high school and teenage years you start to like them again and enjoy their company.

As the bitter sweet drive to Utah began it was fun hearing the conversation between my son and daughter.  They have always been best friends and the last minute advice, older sibling to younger sibling, was taking place.  Sitting in the front seat I marveled at the mature advice being given on how to succeed in college from someone who just a year ago was heading in the same direction with no experience at all.  This made me realize that the best learning experience one can receive is just that…experiencing it yourself.  I don’t know how much of the advice given she will retain but I hope that she will be able to recall his advice as the first year away from home progresses and as situations arise.

First he gave the practical advice…1) Always study in the library, not in your apartment.  Keep your apartment as a fun place to relax, to maintain a balance. 2) Books first, socializing second. 3) Don’t procrastinate assignments, keep up on your reading and know your assignment deadlines. 4) Budget your time and think of school as a job. When you are there, be there mentally; schedule in both study and free time. 5)  Don’t be intimidated by others’ accomplishments; you are at that university because of who you are. There are always going to be those who have accomplished more. Remember that those you are comparing yourself to may have had only 60 in their graduating class compared to your 750. 6)  Seek others who bring out the best in you and those you would like to emulate. 7) Take a fun class each semester. 8) Keep you standards high and obey the rules of the university. 9) Develop self, talents and personality. 10) Have fun!

I had to turn around to see if that was really my child in the back seat who had only been away from home one year!  It was!  Maybe I should have sent him away earlier.  His counsel verified that life is often the best teacher because if he had stayed home with me he never would have learned that wisdom. I would still be mothering him today. 

Then he gave additional insight that I found even more profound. 1) People love to feel important. No one likes to be alone so make everyone around you feel that they are special. 2) Think positive thoughts. What you say to yourself determines your outcome.  3) Don’t just pray for good test results…you need to study hard for them too. 4) Respect what others respect.  It tells them that you care about what is important to them.  5) Never openly criticize. Use the phrase, “Have you thought about it this way?” 6) Learn to be happy alone; do things on your own. Everyone has their own schedule. You can’t have friends do everything with you because they are going their own way also. 7) If you do not like someone it’s because you have made up a reason not to like them.  So make up a reason to like them.    

I couldn’t help but think to myself, “If that much insight was gained in only one year away from home just think what two years on a mission will bring with the Lord being his tutor!” He did a much better job at advising his sister than I ever could have done.  His counsel only reinforced what he learned in his own mind.  I didn’t have to say another word as he had said it all.  Those principles he had just counseled his sister with he will also use on his mission.  My only advice to them was a quote I heard several years ago and can’t remember the source so who ever said it, thank you.  It goes like this, “Work without vision is drudgery; vision without work is dreaming; work plus vision is success.”  That quote sums it all up, even for us mothers who are left behind beginning a new life while we let our children go.

Silent Struggles

Those who have struggled with infertility know what a heartbreaking and difficult challenge it can be.  After my husband and I got married, we faced this challenge for three years before we were able to achieve a successful pregnancy through the help of our doctors.  Looking back, I remember many of the feelings that weighed on my mind and occasionally overwhelmed me. 

As my husband was in medical school at the time, we lived in a ward with many other student families.  Every Sunday, I sat in church and watched the mothers playing with their babies and young children and longed for that experience myself.  Baby showers were also hard for me as I was truly happy for my friends and their babies, but at the same time, discouraged about my own infertility. 

Because infertility is such an individual and personal struggle, it is often hard to share with others.  For this reason, only our closest friends and family knew what we were going through in our efforts to start our own family.   

During this time, I was working as an attorney to put my husband through school.  Although I found my job enjoyable, my family and close friends knew that I would give it all up in an instant to stay home and be a mother.  While I’m certain they meant no harm, I was often stung by the comments made by others about my lack of children.  I’m not sure why some feel that it is acceptable to inquire why a couple hasn’t had children yet or when they are planning to have children.  Perhaps most hurtful were the comments I heard assuming that I was choosing to further my career and putting off having children.  Little did they know that I had always dreamed of growing up, getting married and having a family. 

As I struggled and prayed for what I felt to be a righteous desire of my heart, I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to let me be a mother.  I prayed for understanding and to know His will for me.  I also prayed for comfort and peace as I did not want to be caught in a web of self-pity. 

After many failed attempts, various medications and different treatments, we were finally blessed to have a successful in vitro fertilization and to conceive twin boys.  Our challenges did not stop there though, as the pregnancy was laden with complications, including pre-term labor where we almost lost them.  Spending 1/3 of the pregnancy on bed rest gave me a lot of time to contemplate and to realize what a miracle children are.

Although we have been able to have children, infertility is still something we struggle with as each attempt to have a child requires medicines, doctors, and faith.  I believe we have come through this challenge as a stronger couple and more empathetic people.  I have made cherished friendships with others who share this same struggle and have been blessed to understand it in a way that one only can after having gone through it. 

Like infertility, there are many other struggles that people suffer through silently.  It is my prayer that we all will try to be more understanding, less judgmental, and more loving towards others, no matter what their burdens or challenges may be.    

guest writer... Lindsey

If I Had Only Known

How many times have we asked ourselves the question, “If possible, would I go back to my youth and live it over again?  What would I do differently?”   I have learned the secret to a happy life is to live your life with no regrets, doing what you should do at the time in your life you should be doing it.  I have seen too many sad moments of... “I should have done…”  In fact, the best reason for doing things right today, is simply because there is a tomorrow.

As my 19 year old prepares for his mission I have thought several times this past month how blessed these young people are to have an opportunity of serving so unselfishly for two years for our Father in Heaven. This opportunity window is small; the time for preparation has passed when they reach this age. Hopefully we mothers have prepared them to take advantage of this blessing in their life. This service brings understanding and knowledge about living on an accelerated scale.  The missionary experience gives them a jump start not only on a gospel level but on living life while developing personal interaction with people plus the benefit of self development.  These are the blessing that comes from two years of service to others. Any mother who discourages her child from going on a mission because of her desire to keep him close will someday be saying. “If I had only known then what I know now, I would have encouraged him to go.”

I was impressed with the New Era, March 2007 issue.  It is all about missionary preparation.  Not only should every young man and young woman read it but anyone who wants to improve their own life and commitment to the gospel.  The issue has a spirit about it that will give you the desire to “raise the bar” in your own life.  The sub-title is:  Missionary Preparation...Get Ready To Serve.   Is that not talking to all of us? 

One article that inspired me was entitled “If I Had Known at 19…”   Four points were mentioned that I keep finding myself pondering. They are: 1). I would make it my second highest priority to love my companion. 2) I would look for miracles. In fact, I would expect them. 3)  I would work smarter and harder. 4) I would not let rejection and failure discourage me.

• To me these four points of advice are appropriate for any phase of life we are in.  Setting your priority to love your companion would solve many of the problems that we have in our marriages and family. Our children too are our companions in this life. 
• Looking for miracles, in fact, expecting them would make us all more aware of the spirit that really does guide us in our lives if we let it.  Miracles do happen to us all the time.
• Working smarter and harder would help us with time management to allow us time to serve others and to stop dwelling on the petty self-centered concerns of our own lives.
• Finally...not letting rejection and failure discourage us would help us remember that we are all in the process of becoming...striving...to be better. Discouragement in rejection and failure is the tool used to keep us not wanting to improve or reach out to others. 

I encourage everyone to read this New Era issue cover to cover...Why should the youth be the only ones blessed with these insights? Aren’t we all young in the eternal aspect of life?  We all can begin by making changes in our own life and that of our children.  Try to avoid a life filled with… “If I had only known.”  Live a life that reflects… “I’m happy I knew!”