Motherhood Drawbacks

I’ve come to realize that our calling of Motherhood has some difficult emotions. When your child reaches adulthood you find yourself out of a job! This summer we enjoyed the wedding of our fourth child, Steven. He married a wonderful girl at the right time and in the right place. We are thrilled for them, but my “baby blues” came after the reception when the ribbons and bows were put away and the chairs were stacked neatly in the corner. With all the happiness that surrounds a wedding why do I have this empty feeling that a part of me is gone?

Everyone seems to move on with life but as a mother, more than anyone else, you deeply feel the transition that needs to take place. No longer can unsolicited advice flow freely to your child. That day has past and the time you’ve so long prepared your child for has come. This time a paradox is created, sadness that the apron strings are cut and happiness that your goal to successfully prepare you child to leave home has been achieved. A mother must now move out of her comfort zone and put on another hat, or as I refer to it, “move over to the next chair.” This new role is a hard transition to make. The chair that you now need to sit in has a bold sign posted above it that reads, “This person will only give advice when asked.” At first it is a difficult seat to feel comfortable in. It is a big adjustment to instantly stop mothering when you have worked so hard to perfect those skills during the past twenty plus years.

What can we do to alter our approach as a mother? Is it possible to stay close to adult children while maintain the ability to properly influence them? It is now important for us to put those mothering skills we have gained towards a new focus. We need to become their friend not their parent. The key work is the last sentence is “their.” No longer is your child single because with marriage the relationship has become a package deal, involving your child’s spouse as well. You must become your new son-in-law’s or daughter-in-law’s best supporter and biggest advocate, just as you did while mothering your own child.

The question to ask oneself is, “What really makes a good friend?’ In my opinion a friend is someone who 1) never judges but loves me for who I am, 2) doesn’t expect friendship on their terms, 3) always encourages but doesn’t say, “I told you so” when my plan doesn’t work, 4) gives honest advice when asked but never requires me to follow it, 5) is there for me when the chips are down but doesn’t bale me out of every challenge I face and 6) listens without offering opinions. This makes a good friend in my view but more importantly a good mother to adult children.

I hope I’m not alone in my feelings. This transition is hard but I am beginning to see the rewards of moving over to the “Next chair.” It is the one with the title posted above it that reads, “grandmother.” In fact that title has it’s own unique sense of power built on love, wisdom and patience. When intertwined together these qualities create an influence for a grandchild that even his own parent (your child) will never have. So when asked what I want to become after all my children are gone, my reply is simply, “A Grandmother.”

Be What You Know

In the book Abraham Lincoln’s Philosophy of Common Sense is the famous quote of Lincoln honoring his mother, “All that I am, all that I hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” We have all heard that quote before but are you aware of what his mother said to him just before she passed away? Her last words to him were, “Be something, Abe.” I have wondered how many times Abraham Lincoln reflected on those words as he was making choices in his own life as the years went by. Those words, “Be something,” express every mother’s desire as we look upon our children and wish only wonderful things for them.  But just as Abe’s mother was not with him while he was making life’s daily choices, neither can we always be with our children as they make every choice in life. 

We can only hope that they will become what they know and what we have taught them to be. How many times have you heard the phrase said, “That sounds just like your mother or father?” Because, like it or not, for good or bad, our children become like us and take on our characteristics and judgments in making choices.  They internalize our examples as they watch us. Sometimes self-evaluation of our own choices will benefit our children in theirs’.

Events in my life lately have caused me to contemplate the power we have in our own lives and the power to direct that life just by the choices we make.  While reading one of my daughter’s Harry Potter books, Dumbledore, with all his wisdom, tells Harry, “It’s not your accomplishments that make you who you are, it is your choices.”  Those sage words have come into my mind several times this past month. 

We attended a medical school graduation ceremony where 150 students were being honored for their accomplishments.  I feel their success that day did not just start four years ago when they entered the classroom.  Further, it was not just one choice, but several choices, that brought them to this point in their lives.  When did those choices begin?  Who helped them make those choices or was it solely all their own doing?  Did every student get out of his or her education the same thing?  These are rhetorical questions only presented to invoke thought and I personally don’t know if there is any one answer to them as there are so many variables in life.

After rearing my own children and working with others in various callings and organizations it amazes me that this concept of choice can lead them in so many different directions.  One’s educational or occupational path is not better than another path, just different and tailored to one’s personality and talents.  I do feel, however, that every choice begins with a seed or suggestion or encouragement.  This is where we mothers come in.  These graduating students did not get there solely on their own aspiration.  Yes, they provided the discipline, but that cheering section in the audience with their support and encouragement gave an added boost.  These students had a team of teachers, peer support and examples to help them complete their choice but the main aspiration and encouragement of their choice probably came from their parents.  This goes for every child as they make choices during their formative years.

I just returned from taking 38 high school choral students and chaperones to New York City.  I planned and arranged everything and scheduled events so we would always be together except for a little free time to explore.  I was amazed that even though we all went to the same places, so many different experiences were later shared.  I realized that it was their individual choices of attitude and exploration that made the experience either wonderful or unsatisfactory.  The unique point here is it was their choice! Going to NYC and having a great time is insignificant compared to a major life altering decision. Choice is not appreciated until it is taken away and sometimes a bad choice can alter the rest of one’s life. I just heard from a friend that her 16-year-old daughter was pregnant and getting married.  Somewhere in this young lady’s life decisions were made that led to this crossroad in her life.  Things will never be the same for her. The accountability from her choice is now in effect.

I don’t know the secret to help youth make wise choices in their lives. With so many different personalities in the world all reacting differently I’m sure there isn’t any set answer.   If I did know, however, I could make millions selling that information.  For sure, experience is the best teacher and a child will learn from mistakes as well as wise choices.  I also know that a child needs to learn early about making mistakes. Feeling the results of bad choices will prevent him/her from making additional poor choices.  We mothers cannot helicopter in and rescue or defend their actions.  No doubt this is sometimes easier said than done.  The Lord gave us mothers the innate capacity to love and protect our children but there are times when they fail and need to feel the pain of their unwise choices.

My son is spending his summer half way around the world in Japan. Driving to the airport I kept reiterating the checklist of “do’s and don’ts”. He kept saying, “I know, Mom, I know” accompanied with that sigh confirming that he had heard it all before.  I paused, looked at him and said…. “Well, my son, be what you know!” Those were my last words to him!  I could tell that the time had come when he was done with my advice and admonitions. I felt a sense of relief come over me because the transfer of accountability had just taken place. His choices are forever his own along with the results of those choices. 

My last words were not “Be something!” but my words meant the same thing.  The transfer of power to make choices and own the consequences from those choices are now on his shoulders even though I haven’t passed away.   Saying this to your children… “Be what you know!” empowers them to make wise choices because deep down they will remember your counsel.  We can only hope they will reflect on these four words as they make daily choices in their lives.

The Hour Glass Principle

There have been many anxious moments in watching my children and their peers grow and mature. Sometimes it reminds me of the bee who keeps flying into the glass pane not realizing that it is the bee that needs to modify its behavior.  The pane of glass is immoveable. I wish that I could write a letter to these young people counseling them of life’s pitfalls so they won’t knock into the immovable window pane but deafness seems to have fallen upon so many young people today.  In other cultures older people are considered wiser but in our society we enroll in the school of hard knocks, avoiding advice.  If I were to write them a letter I would entitle it “An Open Letter to Every Seventeen Year Old.”  It would say something like this: 

Dear newly turned seventeen year old:  Well, here you are, past the age of sixteen.  You now realize that turning sixteen was not the magical age that unlocked the mysteries of the world as you always imagined.  You have learned the world does not bow at your feet. Those dates you always imagined never came or if those dates did come you now realize they brought a whole new level of emotions and feelings often lacking the happiness you expected or had fantasized about in your dreams. You may even be asking yourself what went wrong and have started to doubt your own abilities.  Hopefully, you are beginning to wonder if there is more you can do to make life happen. If this is the case you have reached a teachable point in your life.

These doubts and feelings are all just part of growing up.  Let me explain something I have learned by observing the hourglass.  I call it the hourglass principle where life is divided into two phases separated by a small narrow passageway or neck. On one side is the child who expects to be waited upon, always having someone meet his/her needs.  On the other side is a life of service.  As a child your decisions are made for you and you generally obey whatever you’re told.  Minimal self-discipline is expected except for behavior required to make you socially acceptable. You are basically happy living in the world your parents have created for you. In essence, your world represented by the sand peacefully resting at the hourglass’s base brings a degree of security and freedom that makes you happy and content.

When the hour glass is turned upside down your world changes. Constant rules and restrictions are being put in your way.  The space seems to be closing in around you as parents give advice, admonitions and rules to keep you safe as you travel through that narrow neck.  You start to realize that not everyone likes you and that you need to change to be accepted.  This is when that gospel foundation you’ve been taught is being tested.  Demands from school, teachers, peers and parents lead you to believe that your freedom is being taken away.  But it is not!  This is just a time in one’s life where you are pressured as an individual to decide who you are and what you want to become. Some of you may struggle in this narrow neck for a long time. Until you gain the understanding that rules, either social or moral, need to be observed or you will be forever in that narrow passageway.  Hopefully you will see by not conforming to rules that freedoms can actually be taken away from you.   The wise individual will realize by using discipline and reaching out to others that true freedom will soon to be opening up.

Practicing the concept of self-discipline is the only way to achieve true freedom and independence. Once you pass through that narrow neck you see the world differently…it is not, “What is in this for me” or “why are they making me do this?’…rather it becomes, “How can I serve and what can I give to others?”  That one concept will thrust you into the larger area of the hourglass.  Reaching out to others brings a happiness that can never be received if you are waiting for people to satisfy your needs. There is no magical age or teacher that brings on this knowledge it evolves from the experience of living and changing behavior.

This year of your life is the time for self discipline and restraints, concentrating on your own spiritual foundation, educational goals, personality development and the life you are going to have. In just another year you turn 18, becoming a legal adult and what you make of your life will be your doing. Use this next year to reach out to others, becoming your best self and being the person you visualize yourself being in the future. The concept I heard as a young girl was, “If you want to marry a certain kind of individual then you need to become that certain kind of individual yourself.”  This year should commence the beginning of becoming that person you want to be.

It is easy to see, now that I am older, that where you are at certain times in your life determines your future.  Examine who your friends are, your spiritual commitment, your academic level and goals, your attitudes and your teachability. Every aspect of your life today plays a part in who you will become in the years ahead.  Now is the beginning of the end of your teenage years and the questions to ask yourself are, “Who are you?” “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” and “What are you doing to get there?”  The answers may require changing behavioral habits and patterns. This change needs to take place by self motivation and of your own accord.

At this time in your life your decisions, choices and attitudes will affect all eternity.  The sooner you get through the middle of the hourglass by learning the correct principles the sooner the world will open up and you will have true happiness, freedom and independence.  Begin your life!

 

Teach Me What I Must Be

Sterling W. Sill once said, “Each of us has two creators, God and ourselves.  In this job of creation, God provides the capital but we are expected to furnish the labor.”

What comforts me in this creation process is that it is not a do-it-yourself project.  We have help.  We have parents, siblings, children, Church family and friends that all play an important part in who we become.

I had the opportunity to sit in a lecture with Susan Easton Black, a Church history professor at Brigham Young University.  Her remarks opened up a new idea to me concerning this creation process that is a part of us all.  As I pondered her concepts they became a springboard in expanding my understanding of the ideas she shared.

Several years ago President Spencer W. Kimball asked that a word in the primary song, “I am a Child of God” be changed.  In the original version we sang…”Teach me, guide me, walk beside me. Help me find the way.  Teach me all that I must KNOW to live with Him someday.”

President Kimball suggested that we have moved beyond just knowing; he suggested that we sing, “Teach me all that I must DO to live with Him someday.”

Sister Black presented the idea that we need to think deeper yet.  She commented that we should be singing, “Teach me all that I must BE to live with Him someday.”

A new idea opened up to me.  She put my understanding of progression at a higher level and furnished me with a tool I could use in this “labor” part of my own creation and that of my children as well.

In thinking about this concept, To Know, To Do, To Be,  I came to realize that “To Be,” is really, “I am” when the verb is conjugated putting it into the present tense.  I find it interesting that one of the names our Savior uses in reference to Himself is, “I Am.”  We are always being challenged to become like the Savior or, in other words “To be” an “I am” person.  When we sing, “Teach me all that I must BE to live with Him someday”, we are really saying teach me to be one with the Savior in actions and purpose.  As individuals and parents our aim should be to teach our children to become an “I am” member of the Church.  We all know those Church members.  They are the ones we all look up to and respect because of their living the gospel unquestioningly.

You can take any principle of the gospel and teach it to your family by using the following simple approach.  For example, if you want your child to learn the principle of tithing you must first, teach them to know why they need to tithe.  Second, do the act of paying a full tithing on a regular basis.  It is the process and consistency that is important at this point.  Third, when it becomes a habit to pay a full tithing it then becomes second nature and is no longer a struggle.  Your child becomes that “To Be” or “I Am,” person in the principle that you are trying to help them develop within themselves.  With any gospel principle that you want your child to learn or understand, try this same approach.  It will work.  First I know, then I do, and finally I am.

I find myself thinking of the questions asked during the temple recommend interview.  If you could reword those questions from a “yes” or “no” answer, what a different meaning it would take on if you could answer simply “I am” to every question.  Striving to become like the Savior takes on an easy step-by-step approach.  It is a good self-test to see how you are doing in this creation process and tells how much more labor you have to put in.

As this New Year begins and goals are being set remind your children that they are not alone in this process of becoming.  There are parents, sibling, good fiends and ward family waiting to help but most importantly a Father in Heaven who has given them the “capital” to succeed.

Talent Scouts

I was listening to a radio talk host the other day who was emphasizing that all men are created equal… but after having eight children I have the experience to differ with his opinion.  We all should have equal rights under our laws but I have come to appreciate that we are not equal in our abilities, talents and drive. It is those differences that make our world interesting. We are all individually unique.  Can you imagine how unappreciative we would be if we were all Beethovens or Michaelangelos or had the leadership abilities of George Washington?  All of us have different gifts… if no one stood on the sidewalk, who would enjoy the parade? I have come to the conclusion that we are not just mothers, so here is one more description to add to our list of attributes…we are talent scouts as well!

I was reminiscing about a young man I knew.  Some years ago the high school choral teacher opened up her room every lunch hour for students to hang out and play with guitars.  One particular group always came in, known for their low achievement on campus. She became friends with them and, strategizing about the lack of male participation in her choral program, asked them to sing songs with her around the piano while she accompanied.  She played songs they knew and the genre of music that she felt they would relate to. What she discovered was a hidden talent in two of those boys.  Ultimately one became the bass that carried the whole section while the other boy was a first class tenor who now sings in Europe performing at the very best opera houses. Who would have thought?

How many children around us are gifted but have never played a piano or never picked up a paintbrush or have never been given the opportunity to make a speech or take a debate class. What about the child who has the aptitude for playing a harp but has never been close to one or the writer who is not encouraged to compose his feelings on paper. How blessed we are to have the knowledge that we can grow and progress throughout eternity because mortality doesn’t offer enough time or opportunity to explore all avenues of development.

Whenever the parable of the talents is brought up at church or someone talks about talents, either as money or attributes, I can’t help but think, after having been involved with so many personalities, that the Lord has given us all different gifts.  The fun is discovering what talents each child has and then helping them develop and increase those talents.

I think back on my child who lined his shoes up in the closet where everything was neat and in place.  Another was great musically and school was a breeze; one I turned to when I needed a hard physical work done; the contemplative one I made sure had drawing supplies and a journal to write in.  I had one that would talk his way out of any situation and we all believed him! Another one organized all the parties and one who entertained us with jokes and laughter, while the one who drove us all crazy with singing in the shower, was first on my list to take vocal lessons.  Everyone had lessons in music, art and sports ad nauseam and yet it took me several children before I realized that not all excelled at the same pace nor even had an interest in what I thought they needed to learn.  I was only there to give opportunity and direction, not to dictate what I thought they should excel in.

We mothers are talent scouts! Our job is to see qualities in every child we have influence over and encourage that quality into reaching its highest potential. 

New Beginnings

I was reminded the other day how differently girls and boys internalize knowledge and how they both can learn the same principle but from completely different perspectives.  My son who is serving in a bishopric called home excited to share with me his experience of attending a New Beginnings program for the young women in his ward.

“Mom,” he said, “what an uplifting meeting that was! Does the whole church do this or is it just something my ward does?” I teasingly reminded him that I had served in the Young Women’s program through all his teen years and we had discussed “New Beginnings” as he drove me to several of these programs so he could use my car to go play church basketball with his Young Men’s quorum. We had a good laugh as he questioned where he had been in life to not catch on to events around him.  That is a whole other topic!

I jokingly said to him, tongue in cheek that girls focus on spiritual experiences in the Young Women’s program.  It centers on teaching them to feel the spirit because their greatest responsibility will be to raise up the next righteous generation and set a gospel tone in their future homes. “They”, I said, “have more to do than play basketball and go on campouts to prepare them for their duties which lie ahead.”

“What,” he interjected, “you don’t think we had spiritual experiences in scouting? Did I ever tell you about the time we were camping and Jason threw a can of hairspray he took from his mom’s bathroom into the fire while the adult leaders were listening to the Lakers game on the car radio.  We boys prayed all the way as we ran back into the woods that we wouldn’t get killed by the explosion.  Look, it worked we are all adults now. That was a spiritual experience!”

“Or, what about another campout when Brent blew up a huge brown paper bag with air, tied a string around the top then threw it into the fire.  Weren’t we surprised when the bag lifted into the air about twenty feet and started floating over all those dry pine trees while it was burning?  You can bet as we ran beneath that fiery, floating bag for the next eternal minutes, we prayed like we’ve never prayed before that our scoutmaster wouldn’t make us clean the latrines and the whole camp by ourselves.  Assuming, or course, there was a camp that didn’t burn down. That was not only a spiritual experience but a learning one as well.”

There were many more “spiritual experience moments” my son related that we laughed about.  I found myself in the next few days thinking of those experiences and where my sons are today.  I truly have an appreciation for those programs and the experiences provided that taught them to be adventurous, to climb that next tall mountain, to be challenged, to accomplish their goals and yes to pray for guidance when they were confronted by serious problems or lost in the mountains with their adult leaders.

Even all the basketball they played taught them the positions (and responsibilities) of guard, forward, center, to be a team player, to understand offense and defense, and most importantly to be a good sport whether losing and winning.   They learned discipline, endurance, patience and teamwork.  All these principles were gained in the Young Men’s program and prepared them for life. Like the young women, their main responsibility also will be to train the next generation and set not only a spiritual but a leadership tone in their future homes.

Although there is a division between how young men and young women internalize principles, this difference actually compliments each other.  Both genders learn concepts and ideals in their own way that they will need in life. These differences with each other makes them a balanced and well rounded team to work together in their homes.

With a New Year rolling in set a goal in your families for your teens to be active in the program that is designed with their spiritual and social development in mind... the Young Men’s and Young Women’s programs.  It is there to assist you in raising the bar in your homes.

Looking Beyond The Moment

This time of year always brings to mind “the law of the harvest” concept. As a young child I remember every spring planting seeds in our freshly tilled garden. A short time later came the never ending mornings when my father would wake us early to weed those long rows before the sun was too hot overhead. I recall his words as I pulled the wrong plant out of the ground thinking it was a weed. Again as I was complaining I remember my Dad telling me about the rewards yet to come and that I needed to look beyond this moment’s unpleasantness.  Finally, I remember watching as our labor began to show forth from all the hard work. Little did I know that this lesson in our garden would help me become a better mother teaching me to understand that rewards, worth working for, will be in the future. Looking beyond the moment gives us the foresight to handle the incidents and trials of today.

 What we accomplish by raising our family is much larger than the individual moments we are involved in.  It goes beyond the clutter in the room, the myriad of dishes in the sink, the laundry by the washing machine, the undone homework that causes us to lose our temper, the anger felt when your child’s coach doesn’t see their value like you do or just the daily frustrations of life. Our accomplishments in raising our children, who have been entrusted into our care, are all about their development as a child of God and the relationships between each other that will last for eternity.

 Looking beyond the moment you visualize your child, seeing their potential in years to come giving you insight on how to handle each situation in a controlled, loving manner. Our children react to the way we respond to them. Understanding their present maturity level can put their behavior into perspective.  A two-year-old acts differently than a twelve-year-old and teenagers bring a whole new set of behavioral patterns to the dynamics of the family. Keep in mind that a family goes through stages just as children do.  I remember in times past telling my family that all I wanted for my birthday was a clean, quiet house. With my home full of children that was just not going to happen. The stage my large, young family was in just meant that clutter and lots of chatter was going to be a part of life  Now as I enjoy my relatively clean, quiet home I see how looking beyond the moment would have given me more realistic expectations of my children and less frustration in my life

 As women we too are in different stages of personal development.  I’m sure you have heard the cliché of being a late bloomer.  We all develop differently in our own personal characteristics. At times it feels like a juggling act with three different balls, spiritual, emotional and mental, but if we take what life deals us and look beyond the moment we can see ourselves as we want to be. The key is not being caught up in the daily routine and keeping the long range in view while working daily on the little things. This vision will help us become that person with the characteristics of that great mother we all want to be.

One other lesson that I observed from our garden as a child was with the tomato plant. The small tomatoes would first develop as little green balls, growing in size and changing colors until maturing to a deep, sweet red.  I learned to know when each was ripe for picking but if I grew impatient and picked one too early, somehow it never tasted as good as if it had fully ripened on the vine.  I learned to watch and be ready for the right time to harvest it.  Our children are the same way.  Sometimes we want now what they are not ready to give or be.  When pressure is applied they miss some of the ripening process that will make them reach their optimum potential.  Looking beyond the moment and letting our children develop at their own pace in an understanding environment helps bring the eternal results of love and harmony that we all desire to harvest.

Letting a Child Win

You have heard the phrase, “Life is the best teacher.”  I just think it’s ironic that no matter how old I get, I keep making discoveries that could have helped me years before.  My younger children, I hope, will benefit from my newly found insights.

Every week I visit an elderly lady living in a convalescent home.  Over the last year I have watched this very alert woman digress from extremely active and being in control of her life to being very dependant on others for even the most basic routines of living.  Her mind is still very sharp but I can see that she is losing control in making the simplest of decisions concerning her life.  More significantly her personality has changed from “pleasant to be around” to “cantankerous, rebellious and suspicious of everyone.”  On my way home after a frustrating visit with her as I witnessed this evolution in her behavior and attitude, the thought went through my mind, “She is acting just like a teenager.”

The light came on!  I wondered if the ability to make your own decisions about life has something to do with attitude and rebellion?  I’m sure other variables enter in but my own experience and hindsight suggest that being in control of one’s life is a major element in shaping one’s attitudes.  Making the correct choices is the other element.

Freedom to make one’s choices, or exercising one’s agency, has some risks and when your child says to you, “It’s my life and I can make my own decision,” your molding days are basically over.  They are speaking the truth.  They can choose for themselves but what they may not understand, but soon will, is that the consequences of those choices are also theirs to have.  We have freedom of choice but not freedom from choice.  We must live with the results of the choices we make.

Mothers are the ones who can guide a child’s ability to learn the skill of choosing wisely.  A visiting teacher gave me some great advice when I was a new mother.  I’ll pass that advice on to you.

• Let you child win sometime.  Determine the priority and importance of choices and let them make the decisions on those of lower priority.  What shirt to wear is different than the choice of attending early-morning seminary.  By the time they grow up their ability to correctly make hard decision swill increase.  It is the small, correct choices that a child makes which lays the foundation for larger, more important decisions.
• Surround your child with good choices.  I have learned to always provide two positive alternatives, for example, “Would you like to take piano lessons or play a sport this year?” Then, let them choose! But once their choice is made help them follow through, praising their choice and encouraging them forward continually.  Their choice should involve two positive alternatives that you would like them to do.  As a child gets older more alternatives should open up to them, not more restrictions.  The smaller, more restricted their world becomes, the stronger the need to break out and be in control.
•  Let your child know that you trust their decisions and praise them when they make good choices.  This builds confidence in their ability to choose correctly between good and bad, right and wrong. Never underestimate the power of a mother’s approval.  We all want to know when we have done well and even today I want my mother to be proud of my life.
• Let them also feel the consequences of their bad choices.  Don’t helicopter in to rescue them from every crisis.  If they choose not to do their homework let them feel the pressure from the teacher or the resulting bad grade.  Don’t make excuses for them as it only reinforces their bad choices.
• Last and most importantly turn those unwanted choices to the positive.  This little phrase will be a lifesaver to you.  “You don’t have to, you get to!” Then tell them why they get to.  Going to church is a lot more fun if they get to go rather than if they have to go.

The skill of making correct choices is learned.  Agency does have risk but with communication, trust and unconditional love we all will win.

If I Could

After the holiday season I drove my daughter to the airport to catch her fight back to school.  Along the way we chatted about her class schedule, the new roommate she was excited to meet, her dreams, goals and aspirations.  The drive was too short and not enough “talk” could get packed into those last few minutes.  The traffic security guard at the airport was standing there with his hand waving and his whistle blowing without feeling or emotion; keeping the traffic moving was his sole purpose.  A quick hug, an “I love you” then off through the revolving doors she went… and was gone.

Alone in the car feeling the void from lack of companionship the deafening silence enveloped around me. I took a deep breath and pulled away from the curb.  I couldn’t help but think of the lines in the song If I Could.  It goes, “If I could I would try to shield your innocence from time but the part of life I gave you isn't mine.  I've watched you grow so I could let you go.” There’s tough reality and truth in those words but the part about letting them go is the aspect of life we didn’t read about in the fine print when we signed up for motherhood.

The drive home alone gave me time to refocus, pull my emotions together and to remind myself that this is a good thing. Where else would I rather her be? I reminisced about that time in my life with a full palette of experiences ahead of me when as a young woman I wanted and needed to pull away from home. I remembered the confidence in making my own decisions and I also remembered the support and encouragement I received from my parents to move on and leave the security of their home.  I accomplished what they keep encouraging me to do, becoming my own person.  Thinking back on my daughter disappearing through those revolving doors I saw myself and knew that she would be ok. 

The old saying… “To keep them you have to let them go” rings true once again.  The challenge is our changing as mothers.  It is an adjustment for us to ease off and let them leave, understanding that our job is to encourage them to take their place in life even though we will be left alone.  What an oxymoron that is! Another line in the song is “If I could I would help you make it through those hungry years but I know that I can never cry your tears but I would if I could.”  I think I have heard those words before only said a little differently. There is a valuable lesson to be gained in learning from our own experiences.  We need to stop mothering and let our children learn.

So where do we mothers go from here?  All of us will go though this transition.  It may seems years ahead of you with a house full of little ones but reality is that we are all adjusting and transitioning as our families grow we just don’t realize it.  In pondering this concept I can visualize that goal driven, confident young woman as she enters into the revolving door yet out the other side should come a confident older woman with ambitious goals, greater confidence and a palette of past and future experiences enabling her to help strengthen others with love and encouragement, a woman who has learned to find happiness in her journey.  Our goal is not “If I Could” but “I encourage you to…” hopefully helping others to find joy in their journey in becoming who they are.

Here I Am

My two-year-old grandson has been visiting and while watching him I’m reminded that we all have an innate need to be important.  He knows and loves it when he is the center of our attention and actually plays it up. I am amazed that at such a young age he recognizes how he can command attention from others.  Our individual worth is first recognized with the validation from others who convey the feeling that we are of worth.  This knowledge is the basic ingredient for positive self-esteem. 

My grandson’s behavior is cute as a two-year-old, but as children grow older this self-absorbed behavior becomes an irritant and sometimes quite obnoxious. Self-centeredness is no longer cute as the child grows from baby to teen.  Somewhere along the way a child must overcome the attitude of who I am, and replace it with the attitude of here I am.  Shedding the attitude of being the center of attention (who I am) to the attitude of service to others (here I am).  This change, without drum roll or fanfare, comes softly from “trial and error” experiences.  Children need to recognize their valuable attributes and worth through actions of good behavior. What they give to others is more important than the accolades that are given to them by others.

It is a hard reality when a child first becomes aware that, “I am not as important to others as I think I am.” For example, your teacher ignores you, your name is left off the list, friends leave you out or put you down, you didn’t make a sports team, weren’t accepted into a club or organization or just realizing that the world does not stop when you want it to. We had a growing experience several years ago when one of our sons was overlooked for an award. All the recipients were being recognized but our son was omitted. My mother’s heart ached as I saw the pride of accomplishment of the recipients contrasted by the hurt of my son’s being left out.  We have all experienced this to some degree! Yet through this experience growth took place, as I was able to talk him through it and explain that human error is in all of us.  We talked about being center stage and the short-term happiness that comes from it.  We discussed the, who I am…look at me syndrome…as opposed to the here I am…send me Christ-like characteristic. I watched the transformation come over my son, as he understood this concept.  The here I am feeling put him above the hurt he felt because it is not self-centered.  It reaches out to others.  The sting from being overlooked was soon forgotten while the more important lesson learned of thinking outwardly and serving others will remain forever.

I can’t remember any one thing I did while my children were growing up that helped them overcome self-centered behavior but as I discussed this with my daughter she reminded me of a few things that I did, mainly out of pure survival because of our large family.  Here are just a couple of memories that she brought to my attention. 

Responsibility: I learned quickly that I could not do it all.  Each child had to help with housework and with younger children.  When a new sibling was born the child who was old enough to learn responsibility was given charge of the baby to keep him happy and fulfill his minor needs.  They knew this new baby was theirs to protect and care for.  To this day those bonds of responsibility are still felt with those siblings.  This started them thinking at an early age of someone else, putting another’s needs above their own.

Make opportunities for growth: Youth sports provide the concept of working as a team plus it broke my children in easy to the fact that there were others who could also do well. When my child got frustrated because they were not the best on the team, a gentle reminder came that in life someone is always going to be better, or win the award, or get the position that you wanted. But as their family we only expect them to be the best they could be at whatever they are doing.  Discourage your child from comparing themselves to others because this is never constructive. Have them concentrate on how far they’ve come, not how far they need to go. Teamwork helps a child understand that working together can produce a result that they alone could not achieve.  Team sports help them learn that one must share to obtain the desired goal.  There is no room for selfishness on the playing field.

Provide your child the opportunity to deveop talents: Piano, singing, dance, musical instrument, acting or anything to help their talents develop and encouraging them to share their gifts with others. I discovered a long time ago to surround my children with people who have the skills I did not have.  Our children in a small part are a product of the community in which they are raised. Church programs influence their attitudes and provide opportunities for growth and service. The scouting program and young women program are all about learning service and sharing your talents. 

Example: We have a friend who always is giving service to others.  Every Sunday for several years he picked up a single sister for Church who was in a wheel chair.  When he was out of town his children took over for him.  It has been fun to watch his children grow older…now all in adulthood; they are just like their father.   Our life style of focusing outwardly goes beyond your own actions. It transcends generations.

Ralph Waldo Emerson stated, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” The attitude of not being self-centered is a learned behavior and it lies within us. We are born with the selfish who I am attitude to survive while we are babies but it is the here I am attitude of service that allows us to thrive as adults.     Who I am in the eternal understanding allows us to be the here I am person we should be in the present.  

Confidence in Being Alone

I remember several years ago one of my children came into the kitchen and said, “Mom, I just want a best friend!”  What a way to begin a conversation!  I was so shocked by the comment that I stopped what I was doing and slowly turned to analyze the expression on my child’s face to see if it was a joke.  This was my most confident child speaking. This sincerely expressed feeling opened up a great teaching moment.

Talking through these feelings of being alone while surrounded by people and friends has given me reason to ponder what it is in our character development that makes us all feel this way.  There is a need to want to have a best friend, to belong to someone… but real growth comes when we can feel confident as an individual.

I was reminded of this experience when my daughter at college called and asked a similar question. “Why is it that I feel lonely at times with all these people around me?” It was if a light bulb went on and my eyes were opened to the feelings that can be a girl’s best friend or worst enemy. It is the need to belong and be with someone.

The dangers in those emotions come when you don’t recognize them and do not know how to cope with them because of youth or inexperience.  For example, it is dangerous for a young girl in high school who just wants to belong to someone, or needs someone to be with her all the time so that she can feel whole. It is dangerous if she seeks acceptance from a boy and detrimental if she seeks approval from other girls who do not have the standards we as mothers want her to maintain.  It is difficult not to be deceived by these emotions as they blur vision of who you are as an individual. How wise the girl is who feels comfortable and happy in being an individual and not needing approval or acceptance from someone else in all her daily routines.

I noticed while going to stake dances as a leader that girls always traveled in packs. A mass of girls went to the restroom together, to the dessert table together or just traveled around the dance floor together. There was confidence and a safety found in numbers.  As the years go on the confidence in being alone needs to develop. Trusting your own worth as an individual and assurance in your own choices and decisions is essential. A confidence needs to develop in our personality that allows us to be happy alone, self-confidant, and someone who doesn’t need a friend to agree and validate all decisions and actions.  Then and only then are you ready for a marriage relationship because once you are comfortable as an individual you are ready to be equal in a partner relationship. Partner to me means equal on the same emotional level.  Isn’t it ironic that you must gain confidence in being alone before you are really ready to belong to someone? These feelings of wanting to belong are given to us for a reason; it promotes the desire and drive to be married.

My daughter helped me understand; it was like de ja vu. I had these same feelings while I was in college! I knew exactly what she was struggling with and now recognized why she feels this way. Drawing upon my own experience with added years of wisdom I can now help her understand these emotions. With every trial in our lives there is an opportunity. Her trial that she faces now are these feelings of being alone… the opportunity comes in recognizing them and using them to her advantage in becoming an individual of confidence in her own abilities.  Becoming like others is not the answer nor is always being with someone. The quest is to find happiness, security and confidence in her own identity.

A wise visiting teacher once advised me regarding this very concept… “We will one day all be alone.  We must gain confidence and strive to develop the personal self that we like being with.”

Breaking Bad Discipline Habits

Being a mother is the greatest sign of love and trust that our Father in Heaven could ever give us.  As I was watching our grandchildren I was struck with awe regarding their guileless behavior. They radiate genuine purity and such innocent qualities. I never really thought about this while raising my own children. I probably was too busy with the day-to-day schedule of survival to notice this quality.  The thought came to me how we have been entrusted with these little spirits in their most perfect state in life. I’m not saying that purity can only be in childhood, but I concluded never again is that child so naturally Christ-like and pure. Somehow as individuals we struggle as we get older with being humble, submissive and teachable. The natural man seems to creep in some how. How lucky we are to be given these almost perfect children in this stage of their growth during the eternities.

Several years ago when we first opened Ensign Books our front door displayed a sign which read “pull”, leftover from the previous tenant.  Our front door actually swings both ways so whether one would push or pull it makes no difference.  We were saddened, however, when mothers, although infrequent, would verbally berate their child for pushing instead of pulling. “Can’t you read?” or “Don’t you pay attention.  The sign says pull!” We could see how the scolding was damaging to a child’s self esteem, when in reality, it made no difference whether the door was pushed or pulled. After one too many of these situations we removed the “pull” sign from the door.  

It makes me wonder if everyone would treat their children with more kindness and respect if we could see a child through eternal eyes.  The above experience and countless others of improper parent/child discipline breaks my heart.  I’m sure you have had the experience also of wanting to reach out and wrap your arms around a crying child as the parent berates them in public.  Discipline needs to happen but in what manner?  It is possible to discipline with respect shown to the child and thus resulting in a positive experience rather than a damaging one. 

Here are some pointers that will aid in disciplining. Now I’m past the stage of raising small children I see the wisdom in correcting behavior with love and kindness that shows respect to the child.  Replace the tactics that don't work with ones that do.

Nagging… We all nag. And we all know how fruitless it is. Either your child resorts to not telling the truth ("I did clean my room! Really!") or he learns to tune you out. Try this instead: Use eye contact and state your expectations as calmly as possible. Fewer words are better. Instead of saying, "How many times do I have to tell you not to eat in the living room?" say, "No eating in the living room." And try not to load up on commands. It's better for him to do one thing (put on his shoes) than hear a whole string of orders.

Yelling…What is true of nagging is doubly true of yelling -- we all do it, and we all feel guilty every time we do. Even if it does occasionally get results, it just teaches your child that it's OK to raise his voice when he's angry. Try this instead: A proper scolding names the misbehavior at hand. Your child really does need to know what he's done wrong, as long as you don't raise your voice or lose your temper.

Turning requests into questions…It's a hard habit to break, especially after years of asking your young child rhetorical questions as a way of making conversation -- "How about a little breakfast now? Doesn't that sound good?" Try this instead: State, don't ask. Remember to frame your expectations in a polite, respectful manner by adding "please" and "thank you": "I need you to turn off the TV now and start getting ready, please."

Issuing empty warnings…A good warning can be an effective discipline strategy. The problem comes when you threaten in anger, grossly exaggerate ("If you do that again, I'm not taking you outside all day"), or fail to be specific ("You'll be sorry!").Try this instead: Make your warnings more specific and immediate. ("I'm warning you. If you don't give that toy back to your sister, I'm going to have to put you in time-out.") Use a calm, firm tone of voice that makes it clear you're in control.

Apologizing… Saying you are sorry when you've made a mistake is an act that strengthens your bond with your kids. But even a young child can sense when your apology isn't heartfelt, and constantly saying sorry for the same mistake wears thin. Try this instead: Make a genuine effort to cut back on, for instance, yelling. There are actually two parts to an apology -- your words and your actions.

Giving the cold shoulder…While removing a privilege can be an effective penalty, turning away from your child when she wants to kiss and make up or giving her the silent treatment after she's misbehaved can make her feel unworthy of your love and affection. Try this instead: Tell your child how upset you are. Just do it calmly without making her feel rejected. Your aim is to make it clear that it's the behavior that's driving you crazy, not her.

It is an uplifting thought that children have been given to us to teach, love, protect and care for in their most innocent stage of development.  The gift of motherhood allows us to see these little spirits at this pure state in life and before the veil is totally closed.  I find it very humbling that we have been given this responsibility. As they grow older and loose their innocence we give them back to our Heavenly Father. He then finishes what we started.  They become great adults as He encourages them to become once again… like a child. He sends them to us perfect and we send them back to him rather imperfectly for polishing and for the finishing touches.

 

Are They Ready To Go?

After having our children home for the holidays I was amazed to see how easy it was for them to revert back into their childhood roles and pecking order even though some are responsible adults with children of their own.  This reverting back pertains to us mothers as well. Once you have mothered it is hard to stop, though fulfilling the role of grandmother eases the emptiness of not mothering your own children.  The best part of being a grandmother is watching the full circle of development…your children now become the parents of their own children and you sit back watching how your parental training is being implemented by the next generation.

While pondering their visit, ironically on my internet popped up a list of childhood events outlining signs of developmental milestones regarding a child’s readiness to leave home.  I was curious to read someone else’s viewpoint on this topic since I’ve been through this process a few times now.  The events listed were very “text book” if I can use that expression. 1) Your child is able to leave your side for minutes at a time to play alone. 2)  They play at a friend’s home without you. 3) They can walk, ride a bike or take a bus to school. 4) They develop the ability to stay home alone.  You can see where this is going!  All events listed above display either a physical or basic emotional growth of a child. I couldn’t help think that these events just happen as a natural growth process without any thought or training. It is the behaviors we teach and characteristics developed that will help children, not only be ready to go off on their own, but to be confident in their ability to leave home and to give back to society in a positive manner.

When do you really know that a child is ready to leave?  What do they need to learn before that time comes?  These are age old questions I’m sure since each child is so different.  With our gospel background we have a deeper understanding of what is expected of our children.  Our teachings should go further than the text book development.  For every person reading this article you could provide as many different perspectives as to when we know a child is ready to leave home and with what attributes.  In my own experience I can personally suggest four attributes to be the most important in demonstrating when a child is ready to leave home.

1. The ability to forgive others.

2. The ability to show kindness.

3. The ability to forgive self.

4. A willingness to serve others.

As you look at these four characteristics you can see that they demonstrate maturing from childhood to adulthood.   It contrasts the development of a toddler in diapers with self indulgent behavior taking back their toy to a young man standing in a suit and tie ready to serve a mission with thoughts and actions of giving oneself and expressing their concern for other.  These traits are not developed overnight, and everyone on the road to maturity can relapse to self-absorbed behavior.  Thinking back in lessons taught in church these concepts are reinforced over and over again demonstrating to me that we are all children who are being taught how to leave home successfully.

Shortly after one of our children left for college he called complaining of homesickness and expressed his desire to leave school and return home.  In my mother’s heart I loved to hear those words but wisdom told me that this would be the worst thing.  I reminded him how excited he had been to go off on his own and to be away. I also reminded him of some of the contention that had taken place right before he left reinforcing his need to be on his own which develops the next stage of independence. I then suggested, “It is better to be homesick and away… than sick of home with no where to go.” Daily phone calls and emails helped the situation…or maybe it was just the thought of the alternative…being at home.  Having a choice always makes the situation better. Our children’s independence will come easier for them, with our ability to let them go.