We just took our daughter to the Mission Training Center in Provo, Utah. She is the last of our eight children to go on a mission. As we pulled into the facility the volunteer directing traffic pointed the way for us to go to unload her luggage and say our goodbyes. As we drove down the lane several newly arrived Elders were already there waiting to go in. As we pulled to the curb and opened the back of our car a seasoned Elder approached us. After warm greetings of welcome he asked her these questions … “Do you have a cell phone or computer?” “No, those were given to my brother.” “Did you bring your Immunization record?” “Yes, here it is.” His companion then took her suitcase while she carried her violin and off she went in her (longer than normal) red skirt and a smile on her face with anticipation of a wonderful experience that was awaiting her. I realized the tears I felt starting to surface were not for her as I would not have my daughter anywhere else in the world. The emotion I felt was for me because this event was the end of an era and the beginning of a new one.
Just a half hour before this experience as we were driving to the MTC we drove by an apartment building for students. As we passed it our daughter mentioned how this peculiar complex had a bad reputation. The young adults who live in the complex work or attend various schools in the area and choose to live there because of the fun and party atmosphere. No code of conduct is enforced. Imagine children being left unattended in a candy store with no rules or regulations letting their desires dictate their behavior. Compare that with what goes on when we are older without rules and boundaries.
We had a great discussion on rules and how boundaries need to be set for a happy life. We all do better when we know our limits. Who sets these guidelines of conduct that we follow? Parents, society, school, friends… they all have different levels and opinions of what is good and right or what brings happiness? Who do we follow? We all have a tendency to find the boundary line. With our “natural man” instinct, we push the envelope until we are told to stop. That is how a child learns behavior. In child rearing we allow our children to behave to the limit of our tolerance. If we have no rules about not jumping on the furniture…it’s a guarantee that your furniture will be jumped on. Rules and limits are needed.
As our children grow they seem to gravitate toward friends who share the same standards they want to live. I have seen enough of life to see what happens when a child does not have rules and punishment to fit those rules when broken. I’ve seen teens whose parents desired them to be popular and allowed the gospel standards to be relaxed. Some adults knowingly choose to “live in the world.” They break rules both morally and socially and ultimately end up with a false sense of happiness. I felt thankful for the bounds in which my daughter would be living the next 18 months in this formative time of her life. I know they will only bring her happiness and joy if she is obedient to them.
One of my sons was telling me about an old high school friend. He is not a member of the church and his life had gone a totally different path. No children and living with someone without marriage. It was interesting to contemplate how different his life would be if he had the gospel in his life to set a path for him. We cannot judge others if they don’t have our values but what we can do is follow the admonitions given to us that will bring true happiness and hopefully others will see that there is a better way to live.
As I watched our daughter walk away I was so grateful for the rules and guidelines she has been living for the past several years. I thought of the Strength of Youth pamphlet she received when she turned 12. She read it often and her Young Women leaders and Bishop quoted it regularly. I am grateful for her choice of a University that has an honor code and the teachings of the gospel that have brought her to this point in her decision making process. I realize also that she chose her path because of others around her.
I truly am grateful for the gospel standards and all the help I received while raising my children. Leaders reinforced the bounds that I taught. Gratitude for friends who lived within those bounds and family who helped each other make correct decision by word, action and example. I may have eight children who all went on missions but I will be the first one to say… we did not accomplish this alone. It takes a village to raise a child. We just chose the right village to live in.
Showing posts with label Parenting Skills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting Skills. Show all posts
Friday
Tuesday
Not Being Neutral
The other day we had a lesson in Relief Society on the scriptures and the question was asked, “How can we teach our children to love the scriptures?” Good question and many great answers were given like scripture reading with your children daily, having picture books for them to look at or teaching how to apply scripture concepts into their lives. All these were great responses but as I’ve pondered this recently a concept came to me that goes even deeper than those normal answers. It is the concept of… not being neutral.
I hope I’m the only one who recalls times when daily scripture reading was done in a monotone voice that conveyed duty, rather than interest or pleasure. When was the last time you read as a family where you had great discussions about a concept? I remember the “light bulb” moments when our family stopped reading and a whole concept was discussed and shared by all. We progressed from being neutral in our scripture reading to an elevated level of understanding regarding what we were studying. Those were my favorite Family Home Evenings! The spirit testified, taught and helped bond us together as a family. A love for the scriptures developed as we shared our excitement for what we were learning and discussing together. We need to become passionate and excited about what we are reading not passive.
This concept doesn’t stop with just reading scriptures Think about having an attitude of neutrality in other areas of the gospel and how it may affect your family. Are you neutral when it comes to having your children go on missions or on issues of morality or ethical values? Can you consider the potential damage when you as a mother take a neutral stand on pressing issues or if you allow your child without direction, encouragement or enthusiasm on your part to decide for themselves where they stand? Neutral behavior and attitudes can dangerously influence your child to make incorrect decisions later on in their life.
President Henry B. Eyring expressed: “The pure gospel of Jesus Christ must go down into the hearts of [our children] by the power of the Holy Ghost. Seeking to be neutral about the gospel is, in reality, to reject the existence of God and His authority.” Moral Discipline by D. Todd Christofferson November 2009
Scriptures teach us about opposition in all things. This shouldn’t convey extremes, but rather contrasting differences, like light and darkness, good and evil. If we choose neutrality when faced with good and evil, on whose side do we stand? In fact, if we choose neutrality in life we, in actuality, do not choose. “Choice” is an action word such as in taking a stand for good and against evil while “neutral” is void of action. Make your choice and let your children know how you feel about principles and especially the Gospel.
We were not neutral in our pre-mortal life. We knew what we wanted and we stood strong. We were passionate and opinionated in our views without being overbearing and outspoken. This is what we must be again. If a child learns from your neutral example and remains neutral themselves on matters of eternal importance they will be easily swayed when the winds of choice start blowing. You can’t push your opinion of gospel topics and principles onto your children but you can show your love, enthusiasm and excitement for what you think and feel. Let them feel it and let them know your opinions with love and parental compassion. This will bless your family more than anything you can do.
I hope I’m the only one who recalls times when daily scripture reading was done in a monotone voice that conveyed duty, rather than interest or pleasure. When was the last time you read as a family where you had great discussions about a concept? I remember the “light bulb” moments when our family stopped reading and a whole concept was discussed and shared by all. We progressed from being neutral in our scripture reading to an elevated level of understanding regarding what we were studying. Those were my favorite Family Home Evenings! The spirit testified, taught and helped bond us together as a family. A love for the scriptures developed as we shared our excitement for what we were learning and discussing together. We need to become passionate and excited about what we are reading not passive.
This concept doesn’t stop with just reading scriptures Think about having an attitude of neutrality in other areas of the gospel and how it may affect your family. Are you neutral when it comes to having your children go on missions or on issues of morality or ethical values? Can you consider the potential damage when you as a mother take a neutral stand on pressing issues or if you allow your child without direction, encouragement or enthusiasm on your part to decide for themselves where they stand? Neutral behavior and attitudes can dangerously influence your child to make incorrect decisions later on in their life.
President Henry B. Eyring expressed: “The pure gospel of Jesus Christ must go down into the hearts of [our children] by the power of the Holy Ghost. Seeking to be neutral about the gospel is, in reality, to reject the existence of God and His authority.” Moral Discipline by D. Todd Christofferson November 2009
Scriptures teach us about opposition in all things. This shouldn’t convey extremes, but rather contrasting differences, like light and darkness, good and evil. If we choose neutrality when faced with good and evil, on whose side do we stand? In fact, if we choose neutrality in life we, in actuality, do not choose. “Choice” is an action word such as in taking a stand for good and against evil while “neutral” is void of action. Make your choice and let your children know how you feel about principles and especially the Gospel.
We were not neutral in our pre-mortal life. We knew what we wanted and we stood strong. We were passionate and opinionated in our views without being overbearing and outspoken. This is what we must be again. If a child learns from your neutral example and remains neutral themselves on matters of eternal importance they will be easily swayed when the winds of choice start blowing. You can’t push your opinion of gospel topics and principles onto your children but you can show your love, enthusiasm and excitement for what you think and feel. Let them feel it and let them know your opinions with love and parental compassion. This will bless your family more than anything you can do.
Thursday
Motivating Our Children
On a recent visit home our married son went rummaging through his old footlockers that have been stored in the attic for years. As a teenager every piece of paper, award, trophy and memento that was of true value to him had been carefully stored therein. As each item was pulled out a flood of memories rushed over me as I remembered special events in his life that partially shape who he is today. An old baseball mitt, an award saying “Great Job”, school papers with an A+ marked at the top of each page, old photos of childhood friends, medals and trophies that he had earned. Nothing of real value… or are they? Not in material worth, of course, but each item represented to me a motivational milestone that made him reach a little higher or work a little harder so he could obtain the desired artifact. What surprised me was his current reaction to these items that had once been so valuable to him. I felt the loss of his “Peter Pan” innocence as the man who stood before me merely saw these items as “celebrating mediocrity”.
I’ve given much reflection to this experience and have been silently grateful for those experiences he had. He was motivated by those rewards. They taught him to achieve excellence in areas that I was not capable as a mother to offer him. It was not the medal he got as he crossed the finish line at a Mt. SAC cross country race that was of value… but rather the lessons he learned while earning the medal. Somehow those objects he worked to earn motivated him to achieve.
Children are all unique and no one knows them better or has their best interest at heart like you do as their mother. Motivating our children is more than just helping them “celebrate mediocrity” with the trinkets awarded to them. It is helping them reach their God-given potential and to recognize their uniqueness as an individual.
“Parents often motivate their children to practice skills—inspiring young musicians by taking them to a concert or motivating aspiring athletes by attending college or professional games. But I have found that this principle can also be used to motivate children to develop character traits. When we notice unique talents in our children, we can encourage them. ‘Maybe you will become a writer, or a scientist,’ we might say. If we do this often enough and sincerely enough, our children may have the courage to try out our version of what the future could hold for them. When a trusted parent describes future possibilities, a child pays attention. We can influence our children by helping them define a vision of future possibilities.” Helping Your Children Believe in What They Can Become Lynn Scoresby, “A Future They Can See,” Ensign, Apr 1985, 38
My daughter called the other day and put a different slant of this topic of motivation. She works at Y Be Fit on the BYU-Provo campus. Clients seek her counsel about diet, exercise and fitness. Together they chart out a plan that will work for the client. After a week they come back to review their progress and account to her on the goals they set. Three concepts are put into action 1) motivation 2) a plan, and 3) accountability.
Her comments to me about her job described exactly what we do as mothers for our children. She realized that most of her clients accomplish more when they have someone to whom they are accountable. What she needs to figure out, as their mentor, is what accountability method motivates them to succeed. For some it is making a daily tally sheet, for others it is giving them general guidelines and letting them find their own way. Some unfortunately don’t find the motivation within themselves to change and therefore don’t see any results. As a counselor she can only do so much before it is their responsibility. Each week she teaches them a new principle that they can apply throughout the next seven days. All she can do is hope that they are listening and apply what they have learned to achieve their goals. Some clients function best with only knowing that they will have to report their successes or failures of the week; others need to check off lists; and others need step-by-step instruction on how to live their lives. I hope you can see the correlation here involving motivation between my daughter’s job at Y Be Fit and our job as mothers.
Everyone is motivated by a different method. Our job is to find what works for our child to help them become better and more successful in school, home, church and life in general. It is neither the trophy nor the act of a return and report session that is of value, but rather what personal traits or characteristics are gained in the process. Our task is to find which carrot we need to dangle in front of them that provides the right motivation to propel them to greatness!
I’ve given much reflection to this experience and have been silently grateful for those experiences he had. He was motivated by those rewards. They taught him to achieve excellence in areas that I was not capable as a mother to offer him. It was not the medal he got as he crossed the finish line at a Mt. SAC cross country race that was of value… but rather the lessons he learned while earning the medal. Somehow those objects he worked to earn motivated him to achieve.
Children are all unique and no one knows them better or has their best interest at heart like you do as their mother. Motivating our children is more than just helping them “celebrate mediocrity” with the trinkets awarded to them. It is helping them reach their God-given potential and to recognize their uniqueness as an individual.
“Parents often motivate their children to practice skills—inspiring young musicians by taking them to a concert or motivating aspiring athletes by attending college or professional games. But I have found that this principle can also be used to motivate children to develop character traits. When we notice unique talents in our children, we can encourage them. ‘Maybe you will become a writer, or a scientist,’ we might say. If we do this often enough and sincerely enough, our children may have the courage to try out our version of what the future could hold for them. When a trusted parent describes future possibilities, a child pays attention. We can influence our children by helping them define a vision of future possibilities.” Helping Your Children Believe in What They Can Become Lynn Scoresby, “A Future They Can See,” Ensign, Apr 1985, 38
My daughter called the other day and put a different slant of this topic of motivation. She works at Y Be Fit on the BYU-Provo campus. Clients seek her counsel about diet, exercise and fitness. Together they chart out a plan that will work for the client. After a week they come back to review their progress and account to her on the goals they set. Three concepts are put into action 1) motivation 2) a plan, and 3) accountability.
Her comments to me about her job described exactly what we do as mothers for our children. She realized that most of her clients accomplish more when they have someone to whom they are accountable. What she needs to figure out, as their mentor, is what accountability method motivates them to succeed. For some it is making a daily tally sheet, for others it is giving them general guidelines and letting them find their own way. Some unfortunately don’t find the motivation within themselves to change and therefore don’t see any results. As a counselor she can only do so much before it is their responsibility. Each week she teaches them a new principle that they can apply throughout the next seven days. All she can do is hope that they are listening and apply what they have learned to achieve their goals. Some clients function best with only knowing that they will have to report their successes or failures of the week; others need to check off lists; and others need step-by-step instruction on how to live their lives. I hope you can see the correlation here involving motivation between my daughter’s job at Y Be Fit and our job as mothers.
Everyone is motivated by a different method. Our job is to find what works for our child to help them become better and more successful in school, home, church and life in general. It is neither the trophy nor the act of a return and report session that is of value, but rather what personal traits or characteristics are gained in the process. Our task is to find which carrot we need to dangle in front of them that provides the right motivation to propel them to greatness!
Time Out for MOM
My daughters-in-law and daughter amaze me with their untiring attitude toward their workloads. They do children 24-7 without complaining… not to me anyway. As I talk to them on the phone and hear the noise in the background of children just being children I admire and love them for the mothers that they are. The thought I would like to give you all this Mother’s day is the knowledge that these days will not last for very long so love the time you are in.
I remember several years ago when I was in the height of child rearing we went to a company dinner at my husband’s work. We sat across the table from one of his coworkers, a career woman who had earned well over six digits that year in commissions. But with three unsuccessful marriages and currently single it wasn’t surprising that her only daughter had problems with drugs and self-esteem. Everyone rallied around her giving advice to help with her daughter. It was also well know that my husband and I had a large family and that I was “just” a stay-at-home mom. In the course of making conversation she turned to me and said, “And what are you going to do for yourself this coming year?” Instantly my life flashed before me…one in college, two in high school, one in junior high school, two in elementary, one in kindergarten and a toddler. That did not include my business, a church calling and school committees that I headed, let alone piano and singing lessons or the soccer and baseball teams I taxied my children to. My response to her, and the only work that came to my mind was… “Survive!” I could see her thinking, “Really, what does a stay-at-home mom do all day?” I knew she had no concept of my life. She had no clue that I hadn’t been alone in the bathroom for years.
At the time this experience hurt because I sensed her disapproval and condescension. She obviously placed me on the bottom end of her value scale. Today I find humor in her reaction. I love the rewards that have resulted because of the heavy workload. I would not trade her salary for what I have today. It was also during this time of being so busy with everyone else that I discovered the value of time out for me. Not in a selfish way but in a rejuvenation-of-self way. When life got so full and I found myself being short with the children I knew it was time to take a break. I learned the value of self-development and enrichment. I once asked my husband if he could arrange his schedule to watch the children on night a week so I could to an oil painting class. He was always great to help me like this and even encouraged me to expand my knowledge but he questioned the cost of each lesson because things were sometimes tight. In my way to get around the cost I made the comment… “Well, it’s cheaper than a psychiatrist.” When put in that perspective there was no arguing the point. I took my lessons and a whole new world opened up, not only to me but also for my children. They took an interest in what I was doing and the real sharing began. They saw me learning just as I encouraged them to do. I saw the value of time out as a way to improve my family.
Time out can be taken in many different ways, but the first and most important way, in my opinion, is to stay spiritually in tune. Also, reading your scriptures, saying your prayers and going to the temple. Just put the gospel first on your time out list. I have found that you are better able to cope as a mother and wife when you have the spirit. It not only reminds you of what is important in life but also enables you to receive the revelation needed on a daily basis. It also gives you the peace and serenity that is so needed as a mother.
Setting personal goals keeps you progressing. Take a class, read a book, make a craft, anything that allows you to see results from your work. This validates your creativity when you can see immediate results from accomplishments. Rewards from being a mom do not come daily. Trophies are not passed out for diaper changing. Seeing results from your time out help you get through the days when no rewards are seen. Houses only get messy again and another meal is just a few hours away. The goals set and hobbies learned will only benefit your home.
Take advantage of your community. Visit places together with your children and bring another family along. The adult conversation goes a long way as you talk about your children and topics outside your home. Every community has parks, museums, libraries and places to take your children. Take advantage of these activities. Use these outings to stay physically active which will help you keep a positive outlook on life.
Fill your life with really happenings. Stay away from fluffy TV programs and books that give you an unrealistic view on life, motherhood and marriage. They do not uplift and edify your spirit. Make your life real by giving service to others. Go the extra mile on your church callings. I know of one young mother that in her spare time, when her children are napping, does extraction work for her ward. It gives her a way to keep her computer skills up, learn more about another country feel great about doing something in the genealogical area plus it gives her a topic to speak on other than her own children. Stay on top of what is happening in current events. Rise above the daily routine both mentally and spiritually. This will prove to be your breathing space when you need it.
Most importantly, don’t think of motherhood as a burden. None other than you, not anyone else, places unrealistic expectations of how you should be upon yourself. Just enjoy these days of being so busy when life is not your own. The rewards will be there. That alone time in the bathroom really will come again. I would not trade a six-digit salary for my family. You can’t put a price on love and the rewards that children can bring.
I remember several years ago when I was in the height of child rearing we went to a company dinner at my husband’s work. We sat across the table from one of his coworkers, a career woman who had earned well over six digits that year in commissions. But with three unsuccessful marriages and currently single it wasn’t surprising that her only daughter had problems with drugs and self-esteem. Everyone rallied around her giving advice to help with her daughter. It was also well know that my husband and I had a large family and that I was “just” a stay-at-home mom. In the course of making conversation she turned to me and said, “And what are you going to do for yourself this coming year?” Instantly my life flashed before me…one in college, two in high school, one in junior high school, two in elementary, one in kindergarten and a toddler. That did not include my business, a church calling and school committees that I headed, let alone piano and singing lessons or the soccer and baseball teams I taxied my children to. My response to her, and the only work that came to my mind was… “Survive!” I could see her thinking, “Really, what does a stay-at-home mom do all day?” I knew she had no concept of my life. She had no clue that I hadn’t been alone in the bathroom for years.
At the time this experience hurt because I sensed her disapproval and condescension. She obviously placed me on the bottom end of her value scale. Today I find humor in her reaction. I love the rewards that have resulted because of the heavy workload. I would not trade her salary for what I have today. It was also during this time of being so busy with everyone else that I discovered the value of time out for me. Not in a selfish way but in a rejuvenation-of-self way. When life got so full and I found myself being short with the children I knew it was time to take a break. I learned the value of self-development and enrichment. I once asked my husband if he could arrange his schedule to watch the children on night a week so I could to an oil painting class. He was always great to help me like this and even encouraged me to expand my knowledge but he questioned the cost of each lesson because things were sometimes tight. In my way to get around the cost I made the comment… “Well, it’s cheaper than a psychiatrist.” When put in that perspective there was no arguing the point. I took my lessons and a whole new world opened up, not only to me but also for my children. They took an interest in what I was doing and the real sharing began. They saw me learning just as I encouraged them to do. I saw the value of time out as a way to improve my family.
Time out can be taken in many different ways, but the first and most important way, in my opinion, is to stay spiritually in tune. Also, reading your scriptures, saying your prayers and going to the temple. Just put the gospel first on your time out list. I have found that you are better able to cope as a mother and wife when you have the spirit. It not only reminds you of what is important in life but also enables you to receive the revelation needed on a daily basis. It also gives you the peace and serenity that is so needed as a mother.
Setting personal goals keeps you progressing. Take a class, read a book, make a craft, anything that allows you to see results from your work. This validates your creativity when you can see immediate results from accomplishments. Rewards from being a mom do not come daily. Trophies are not passed out for diaper changing. Seeing results from your time out help you get through the days when no rewards are seen. Houses only get messy again and another meal is just a few hours away. The goals set and hobbies learned will only benefit your home.
Take advantage of your community. Visit places together with your children and bring another family along. The adult conversation goes a long way as you talk about your children and topics outside your home. Every community has parks, museums, libraries and places to take your children. Take advantage of these activities. Use these outings to stay physically active which will help you keep a positive outlook on life.
Fill your life with really happenings. Stay away from fluffy TV programs and books that give you an unrealistic view on life, motherhood and marriage. They do not uplift and edify your spirit. Make your life real by giving service to others. Go the extra mile on your church callings. I know of one young mother that in her spare time, when her children are napping, does extraction work for her ward. It gives her a way to keep her computer skills up, learn more about another country feel great about doing something in the genealogical area plus it gives her a topic to speak on other than her own children. Stay on top of what is happening in current events. Rise above the daily routine both mentally and spiritually. This will prove to be your breathing space when you need it.
Most importantly, don’t think of motherhood as a burden. None other than you, not anyone else, places unrealistic expectations of how you should be upon yourself. Just enjoy these days of being so busy when life is not your own. The rewards will be there. That alone time in the bathroom really will come again. I would not trade a six-digit salary for my family. You can’t put a price on love and the rewards that children can bring.
Wednesday
The Most Important Things for a Baby
Diapers, Onesies, Tylenol… my list went on. I sat in my son’s room worried I was missing something. He was due to be born any day and I wanted his arrival into my home to be perfect. I wanted to welcome him with everything of worldly comfort be able to provide for his every need. Plagued with worry, I was determined to settle my fear by going through my list just one last time. When I finished, I asked myself, “Am I now prepared for my baby’s arrival? Do I have all the essentials? Being satisfied with my preparation, yet still feeling a lingering void, the thought came to my mind, “Of course, I’m prepared. The most important thing I can five my son is knowledge of the Gospel, the knowledge of who he is and what he can become.” I was taken back at the simplicity of my thought and, in a way, felt somewhat foolish for focusing on the superficial. After all, I could provide nothing greater for my son! By teaching him about his Heavenly Father’s plan, I would be able to five him the knowledge and the tools that many search for their entire lives but fail to find… the true gospel and eternal truths.
How different my perspective was as I went through my checklist again, thinking only of my spiritual preparation for his arrival. No longer was proving for his temporal needs quite as important to me as my ability to teach him of his divine inheritance. I couldn’t help but realize how easy it had been to accumulate the tangible for my son, but what about my own personal preparation? Had I been just as vigilant in seeking out qualities and attitudes in myself that would foster in my child a love of the lord and an environment that would enable him to fulfill his potential? The peace I felt that morning was overwhelming, as I realized I was indeed ready to welcome into my care a child of God.
Motherhood, I have discovered is full of moments such as this. It was only when I saw my baby for the first time that I understood the enormity of responsibility I held in my arms. As a mother who had just been given the most miraculous gift from above, I realized my responsibility in providing him the essentials necessary to return home to his loving Father in Heaven. I looked at him as I have looked at no one else before and beheld for the first time the endless potential my baby, like each of us, hold inside. What an incredible responsibility to awaken that potential and how grateful I am the Gospel provides the pattern to do so.
President Hinckley has said, “Let every mother realize that she has no greater blessing than the children which have come to her as a gift of the almighty; that she has no greater mission than to rear them in light and truth, and understanding and love; that she will have no greater happiness than to see them grow into young men and women who respect principles of virtue, who walk free from the stain of immorality.”
Now that I’m a mother, I look at the world differently. In my interactions with others, it’s obvious how stifled many of us have become because of failure to nurture this knowledge, knowledge that we are sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father. As mothers however, we are blessed with the constant reminder our children give us as they portray very clearly the divine nature and inherent beauty we all hold inside. The challenge lies in helping our children see themselves as we do. To help them realize their potential.
If I were to go back and rewrite my list of necessary items essential to welcoming a new baby into this world, I would list the obvious such as consistent family home evenings, daily scripture study and family prayer. In addition, however, I would add things such as a soft loving voice, kind uplifting words, open arms and patience, just to name a few. We live in a world that lacks of love. It is substituted with the tangible and the temporary, but we a Latter-day Saint mothers can provide our children with a lasting knowledge of joy and happiness and warmth only a righteous mother can give.
I watch my son now who is nearly seven months. He’s gone through his stash of diapers, stained all his Onesies and kept me up late at night on a few occasions battling one ailment or another. I’m quickly learning motherhood requires adaptability, but one constant remains and that is my love for him. Quite often I find myself reflecting on that moment of peace I felt just seven short months ago. In moments both of happiness and discouragement, I remember my purpose as his mother, and find great satisfaction knowing I am taking part in nurturing this child of God.
How different my perspective was as I went through my checklist again, thinking only of my spiritual preparation for his arrival. No longer was proving for his temporal needs quite as important to me as my ability to teach him of his divine inheritance. I couldn’t help but realize how easy it had been to accumulate the tangible for my son, but what about my own personal preparation? Had I been just as vigilant in seeking out qualities and attitudes in myself that would foster in my child a love of the lord and an environment that would enable him to fulfill his potential? The peace I felt that morning was overwhelming, as I realized I was indeed ready to welcome into my care a child of God.
Motherhood, I have discovered is full of moments such as this. It was only when I saw my baby for the first time that I understood the enormity of responsibility I held in my arms. As a mother who had just been given the most miraculous gift from above, I realized my responsibility in providing him the essentials necessary to return home to his loving Father in Heaven. I looked at him as I have looked at no one else before and beheld for the first time the endless potential my baby, like each of us, hold inside. What an incredible responsibility to awaken that potential and how grateful I am the Gospel provides the pattern to do so.
President Hinckley has said, “Let every mother realize that she has no greater blessing than the children which have come to her as a gift of the almighty; that she has no greater mission than to rear them in light and truth, and understanding and love; that she will have no greater happiness than to see them grow into young men and women who respect principles of virtue, who walk free from the stain of immorality.”
Now that I’m a mother, I look at the world differently. In my interactions with others, it’s obvious how stifled many of us have become because of failure to nurture this knowledge, knowledge that we are sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father. As mothers however, we are blessed with the constant reminder our children give us as they portray very clearly the divine nature and inherent beauty we all hold inside. The challenge lies in helping our children see themselves as we do. To help them realize their potential.
If I were to go back and rewrite my list of necessary items essential to welcoming a new baby into this world, I would list the obvious such as consistent family home evenings, daily scripture study and family prayer. In addition, however, I would add things such as a soft loving voice, kind uplifting words, open arms and patience, just to name a few. We live in a world that lacks of love. It is substituted with the tangible and the temporary, but we a Latter-day Saint mothers can provide our children with a lasting knowledge of joy and happiness and warmth only a righteous mother can give.
I watch my son now who is nearly seven months. He’s gone through his stash of diapers, stained all his Onesies and kept me up late at night on a few occasions battling one ailment or another. I’m quickly learning motherhood requires adaptability, but one constant remains and that is my love for him. Quite often I find myself reflecting on that moment of peace I felt just seven short months ago. In moments both of happiness and discouragement, I remember my purpose as his mother, and find great satisfaction knowing I am taking part in nurturing this child of God.
Faith In The Future
The headline in our local paper today was, Ban on Same-Sex Union Frizzles. It makes me wonder where the voice for morality is but more importantly I question what kind of a world my children will raise their children in. The days of the Cleaver’s are definitely over, or are they? We still have agency of choice to live in the world and to be of it or to live in the world yet not partake of the worldly attitudes.
Reading the headlines we witness a world that is falling apart, from terrorist’s threats to decay in moral values, yet I am not without hope. It is a fearful time to live in today but I cannot believe the Lord has left us without knowing the end and is willing to help us if we but ask. Looking back in history there has always been a war to destroy and thwart goodness and to misrepresent truth. Does this surprise any of us that at this time in history it should be any different? On the contrary we should not be shocked that in these latter days the war of evil would wage even harder against what is good and righteous. It is the classic story of good versus evil as we face the last great standoff.
In church the other day a talk was being given on the standards and values that we have as latter-day Saints compared to the world’s attitudes and morals. My daughter leaned over to me and asked the question, “Are you afraid to let me grow up in this world?” Without hesitation I replied, “Not at all!” a peace came over me and I really knew that she would be safe. She has been given every means to fortify her against the evil that is waging so strong a battle out there. It will be up to her to apply what she has been given to her own life but she can and will prevail. As the divide gets wider it is actually easier to see the good from the evil.
I am so grateful for the Young Men and Young Women’s programs. The Strength of the Youth pamphlet is a wonderful guide for them to follow and will truly keep them safe if they will adhere to what it says. I could not help reminisce back to my standards booklet when I was her age at 15. The guideline I remember most was… 1) Do not wear curlers in public. Yes, times have changed but I fill confident in our youth and the teachings they receive. These spirits have never been stronger than we see today coming into the world. They are up to the challenge that is ahead of them and are being prepared for this battle. We parents need to rise to the challenge to help them meet these confrontations with faith in the future and a determination to live a gospel centered life.
The innocence of the 50’s may never be seen again but even Adam and Eve needed to leave the garden to learn and progress. May we take this challenge that we are all faced with and raise our own bar as we have been admonished.
Reading the headlines we witness a world that is falling apart, from terrorist’s threats to decay in moral values, yet I am not without hope. It is a fearful time to live in today but I cannot believe the Lord has left us without knowing the end and is willing to help us if we but ask. Looking back in history there has always been a war to destroy and thwart goodness and to misrepresent truth. Does this surprise any of us that at this time in history it should be any different? On the contrary we should not be shocked that in these latter days the war of evil would wage even harder against what is good and righteous. It is the classic story of good versus evil as we face the last great standoff.
In church the other day a talk was being given on the standards and values that we have as latter-day Saints compared to the world’s attitudes and morals. My daughter leaned over to me and asked the question, “Are you afraid to let me grow up in this world?” Without hesitation I replied, “Not at all!” a peace came over me and I really knew that she would be safe. She has been given every means to fortify her against the evil that is waging so strong a battle out there. It will be up to her to apply what she has been given to her own life but she can and will prevail. As the divide gets wider it is actually easier to see the good from the evil.
I am so grateful for the Young Men and Young Women’s programs. The Strength of the Youth pamphlet is a wonderful guide for them to follow and will truly keep them safe if they will adhere to what it says. I could not help reminisce back to my standards booklet when I was her age at 15. The guideline I remember most was… 1) Do not wear curlers in public. Yes, times have changed but I fill confident in our youth and the teachings they receive. These spirits have never been stronger than we see today coming into the world. They are up to the challenge that is ahead of them and are being prepared for this battle. We parents need to rise to the challenge to help them meet these confrontations with faith in the future and a determination to live a gospel centered life.
The innocence of the 50’s may never be seen again but even Adam and Eve needed to leave the garden to learn and progress. May we take this challenge that we are all faced with and raise our own bar as we have been admonished.
Monday
Congratulation Mothers
No admonition this month. This editorial only contains a big CONGRATULATION! You have done it… you mothers who were raised by Mrs. Cleaver. Not only have you given this generation men who do not wait at the dinner table to be server, but also men who possess an attitude of, “Hey, this child is mine and I get to help in this care and development.” This transitional generational success is because of your accomplishments in teaching your children.
I was sitting in a living room a month ago where several young couples were visiting the home of a family who had just had a baby. The stories of childbirth were no longer a “female only” topic. The husbands were enjoying and adding to the stories of how their own children had arrived into the world. I felt like a visitor from another era as my eyes went from face to face while the men were telling their “tales of woe” adding to the enjoyment of the evening.
I heard tales of aching backs as they bent over their wives while giving her encouragement. They spoke of frozen fingers from handling all the ice chips that were requested. They laughed about their own discomforts that were ignored because they knew their wife needed them. They shared the excitement in watching the birth of their child but more importantly they expressed love and appreciation for their respective wives as they went through childbirth.
During the course of the evening as babies were crying and older children needed assistance the fathers were active participants in their care. Both parents were changing diaper, comforting, calming a cry and playing when needed. There seemed to be a true partnership in parenting within this group. I was amazed! My skepticism began with, “They are medical students. They have an educational interest in these events,” but when Sunday approached my skepticism changed to belief. As I attended church the chapel was filled with the normal sounds that many small children make who are required to sit still. I watch with enjoyment as responsibility of parenthood transcended professions and gender. Babies were being quieted, comforted and taken out by fathers of this “New and Improved” generation.
What we mothers have done to make this wonderful transformation I can’t guess. President John Taylor commented that, “A parent’s influence extends to future generation.” Your examples have proven his point exactly. We have a generation of young parents who were taught your concepts of values, roles and the importance of family. We can see how these teaching by example or words, on family and parenthood are now paying off. What a wonderful experience it will be for grandparents to see their own “works” in progress as they watch the next generation evolve. Congratulations to you all on a job well done!
I was sitting in a living room a month ago where several young couples were visiting the home of a family who had just had a baby. The stories of childbirth were no longer a “female only” topic. The husbands were enjoying and adding to the stories of how their own children had arrived into the world. I felt like a visitor from another era as my eyes went from face to face while the men were telling their “tales of woe” adding to the enjoyment of the evening.
I heard tales of aching backs as they bent over their wives while giving her encouragement. They spoke of frozen fingers from handling all the ice chips that were requested. They laughed about their own discomforts that were ignored because they knew their wife needed them. They shared the excitement in watching the birth of their child but more importantly they expressed love and appreciation for their respective wives as they went through childbirth.
During the course of the evening as babies were crying and older children needed assistance the fathers were active participants in their care. Both parents were changing diaper, comforting, calming a cry and playing when needed. There seemed to be a true partnership in parenting within this group. I was amazed! My skepticism began with, “They are medical students. They have an educational interest in these events,” but when Sunday approached my skepticism changed to belief. As I attended church the chapel was filled with the normal sounds that many small children make who are required to sit still. I watch with enjoyment as responsibility of parenthood transcended professions and gender. Babies were being quieted, comforted and taken out by fathers of this “New and Improved” generation.
What we mothers have done to make this wonderful transformation I can’t guess. President John Taylor commented that, “A parent’s influence extends to future generation.” Your examples have proven his point exactly. We have a generation of young parents who were taught your concepts of values, roles and the importance of family. We can see how these teaching by example or words, on family and parenthood are now paying off. What a wonderful experience it will be for grandparents to see their own “works” in progress as they watch the next generation evolve. Congratulations to you all on a job well done!
Congratulations Mothers
No admonition this month. This editorial only contains a big CONGRATULATION! You have done it… you mothers who were raised by Mrs. Cleaver. Not only have you given this generation men who do not wait at the dinner table to be server, but also men who possess an attitude of, “Hey, this child is mine and I get to help in this care and development.” This transitional generational success is because of your accomplishments in teaching your children.
I was sitting in a living room a month ago where several young couples were visiting the home of a family who had just had a baby. The stories of childbirth were no longer a “female only” topic. The husbands were enjoying and adding to the stories of how their own children had arrived into the world. I felt like a visitor from another era as my eyes went from face to face while the men were telling their “tales of woe” adding to the enjoyment of the evening.
I heard tales of aching backs as they bent over their wives while giving her encouragement. They spoke of frozen fingers from handling all the ice chips that were requested. They laughed about their own discomforts that were ignored because they knew their wife needed them. They shared the excitement in watching the birth of their child but more importantly they expressed love and appreciation for their respective wives as they went through childbirth.
During the course of the evening as babies were crying and older children needed assistance the fathers were active participants in their care. Both parents were changing diaper, comforting, calming a cry and playing when needed. There seemed to be a true partnership in parenting within this group. I was amazed! My skepticism began with, “They are medical students. They have an educational interest in these events,” but when Sunday approached my skepticism changed to belief. As I attended church the chapel was filled with the normal sounds that many small children make who are required to sit still. I watch with enjoyment as responsibility of parenthood transcended professions and gender. Babies were being quieted, comforted and taken out by fathers of this “New and Improved” generation.
What we mothers have done to make this wonderful transformation I can’t guess. President John Taylor commented that, “A parent’s influence extends to future generation.” Your examples have proven his point exactly. We have a generation of young parents who were taught your concepts of values, roles and the importance of family. We can see how these teaching by example or words, on family and parenthood are now paying off. What a wonderful experience it will be for grandparents to see their own “works” in progress as they watch the next generation evolve. Congratulations to you all on a job well done!
I was sitting in a living room a month ago where several young couples were visiting the home of a family who had just had a baby. The stories of childbirth were no longer a “female only” topic. The husbands were enjoying and adding to the stories of how their own children had arrived into the world. I felt like a visitor from another era as my eyes went from face to face while the men were telling their “tales of woe” adding to the enjoyment of the evening.
I heard tales of aching backs as they bent over their wives while giving her encouragement. They spoke of frozen fingers from handling all the ice chips that were requested. They laughed about their own discomforts that were ignored because they knew their wife needed them. They shared the excitement in watching the birth of their child but more importantly they expressed love and appreciation for their respective wives as they went through childbirth.
During the course of the evening as babies were crying and older children needed assistance the fathers were active participants in their care. Both parents were changing diaper, comforting, calming a cry and playing when needed. There seemed to be a true partnership in parenting within this group. I was amazed! My skepticism began with, “They are medical students. They have an educational interest in these events,” but when Sunday approached my skepticism changed to belief. As I attended church the chapel was filled with the normal sounds that many small children make who are required to sit still. I watch with enjoyment as responsibility of parenthood transcended professions and gender. Babies were being quieted, comforted and taken out by fathers of this “New and Improved” generation.
What we mothers have done to make this wonderful transformation I can’t guess. President John Taylor commented that, “A parent’s influence extends to future generation.” Your examples have proven his point exactly. We have a generation of young parents who were taught your concepts of values, roles and the importance of family. We can see how these teaching by example or words, on family and parenthood are now paying off. What a wonderful experience it will be for grandparents to see their own “works” in progress as they watch the next generation evolve. Congratulations to you all on a job well done!
A Firm Foundation
My teenagers have been following with interest the numerous religious controversies. First, there are the debates, voting and division of the Episcopal Church over homosexuality. They also questioned me about the Catholic Church’s handling of the many “priest incidences” pertaining to child abuse. We discussed the recent Massachusetts ruling on gay marriage and the impact it will have on our society. All are sad reviews of our time.
I watch my children with interest as they realize what these topics are about. They question why churches and society even debate about them. “Isn’t it just wrong?” they ask. My teens remind me of little kittens as their eyes are beginning to open. They are seeing the “opposition” part of our society and I wish I could shelter them a little while longer. I don’t want them to be aware of this part of life too soon, but on the other hand if I don’t guide them through these topics, who will? I f I were to disregard their questions, until they were older, would I be allowing them to come to worldly conclusions, which maybe contrary to righteous standards and views?
My daughter said, “You wouldn’t see those problems in our church!” I had to sadly tell her that sometimes you do but how they are handled is completely different. Our Church is based upon eternal truths and truth never changes. There are just some issues where agency and debating are not an option. (Even in a High Priest Quorum meeting.) My son mentioned that there is a safe feeling knowing these subjects are truly black and white. We know exactly how our Church stands on issues. Wrong will never be debated into right or rationalized to become doctrine. We referred to the “Proclamation on the Family” and read the parts that pertained to marriage and the sanctity of family.
This led us into the topic of “lesser wrongs” that are not so black and white, such as watching R rated movies, not obeying parents with righteous motives, gossiping that my hurt your friends, not living the word of wisdom or keeping the Sabbath day holy. Are these concepts up for debate or rationalization? We discussed the magnitude of these issues. They came to the conclusion on their own that all wrongs take you away from the Spirit. And hurt both others and yourself. They lead you away from where our Heavenly Father wants you to be. What is there to rationalize? You can never make a wrong right. You are either moving forward or backward. There is no standing still.
My older son sent me a newspaper article reporting that ht largest Christian bookstore chain in America would soon open their doors for business on Sunday afternoon. Their rational was two fold: “Churches have their (bookstore) doors open on Sunday, why shouldn’t we?” Many denominations have bookstores within their church and have them open following their services. 2) “What we are commanded to do in Matthew 28:19 doesn’t say, Monday to Saturday, 9 to 5, it’s a 24-7 great commission.”
My children enjoyed reading about their reasons why to open on Sunday but comment again that our foundation is firm and truth will never change to meet the desires of the times. As issues and topics come and go it is easy to see how wide the divide is becoming between unalterable truth and the philosophies of men. At the same time it should be easier to recognize the truth that isn’t altered by rationalization.
It is wise to guide your children through these times. Your wisdom and testimony will help them hold onto that rod of iron. There is a real “mist of darkness” in the light of day. Our families and Church doctrine are the firm foundation for them unlike the “great and spacious” building that is floating in the air and moves with the trends of the time.
I watch my children with interest as they realize what these topics are about. They question why churches and society even debate about them. “Isn’t it just wrong?” they ask. My teens remind me of little kittens as their eyes are beginning to open. They are seeing the “opposition” part of our society and I wish I could shelter them a little while longer. I don’t want them to be aware of this part of life too soon, but on the other hand if I don’t guide them through these topics, who will? I f I were to disregard their questions, until they were older, would I be allowing them to come to worldly conclusions, which maybe contrary to righteous standards and views?
My daughter said, “You wouldn’t see those problems in our church!” I had to sadly tell her that sometimes you do but how they are handled is completely different. Our Church is based upon eternal truths and truth never changes. There are just some issues where agency and debating are not an option. (Even in a High Priest Quorum meeting.) My son mentioned that there is a safe feeling knowing these subjects are truly black and white. We know exactly how our Church stands on issues. Wrong will never be debated into right or rationalized to become doctrine. We referred to the “Proclamation on the Family” and read the parts that pertained to marriage and the sanctity of family.
This led us into the topic of “lesser wrongs” that are not so black and white, such as watching R rated movies, not obeying parents with righteous motives, gossiping that my hurt your friends, not living the word of wisdom or keeping the Sabbath day holy. Are these concepts up for debate or rationalization? We discussed the magnitude of these issues. They came to the conclusion on their own that all wrongs take you away from the Spirit. And hurt both others and yourself. They lead you away from where our Heavenly Father wants you to be. What is there to rationalize? You can never make a wrong right. You are either moving forward or backward. There is no standing still.
My older son sent me a newspaper article reporting that ht largest Christian bookstore chain in America would soon open their doors for business on Sunday afternoon. Their rational was two fold: “Churches have their (bookstore) doors open on Sunday, why shouldn’t we?” Many denominations have bookstores within their church and have them open following their services. 2) “What we are commanded to do in Matthew 28:19 doesn’t say, Monday to Saturday, 9 to 5, it’s a 24-7 great commission.”
My children enjoyed reading about their reasons why to open on Sunday but comment again that our foundation is firm and truth will never change to meet the desires of the times. As issues and topics come and go it is easy to see how wide the divide is becoming between unalterable truth and the philosophies of men. At the same time it should be easier to recognize the truth that isn’t altered by rationalization.
It is wise to guide your children through these times. Your wisdom and testimony will help them hold onto that rod of iron. There is a real “mist of darkness” in the light of day. Our families and Church doctrine are the firm foundation for them unlike the “great and spacious” building that is floating in the air and moves with the trends of the time.
Sunday
Positive Self-Talk
Our older children often joke about “emotional scars” they received during their growing up years in our home. Whenever we get together they enjoy reminiscing about their memories and poking fun at our parenting. I just hope, deep down, that I have been able to raise my children to adulthood without too much trauma to their personalities. The only scar to which I’ll admit taking blame for is the male pattern baldness gene that they got from my Grandmother’s father which really is so far removed from me that it shouldn’t matter. Nevertheless, we all need to blame our faults on someone so my broad shoulders will bear the burden. Each time baldness is brought up I do remind my sons that they all had a full head of hair until they left home.
Seriously, one scar that I never wanted my children to have was low self-esteem. I have seen the abuse given to some children as their mother belittled and humiliated them in public. My heart would ache as I wished I could take those children home with me and love them. I never wanted my children to feel that kind of humiliation.
Each child’s personality is so different and it is often a difficult struggle to find out what positive reinforcement approach works. No matter what I did some of my children still had struggles developing a good self-image. I wonder if this is more the rule than the exception in their path to adulthood. Being noticed in a positive way brings a sense of reward and gratification and aids in self-perception. The road to good self-esteem is an individual journey with both cheering and jeering from the sidelines. The important point is to protect against those negative comments coming from the sidelines while helping them internalize the positive ones.
I read a great book several years ago that helped me to understand this concept. The title is, What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, by Shad Helmstetter. I would highly recommend this book if you have a child with self-defeating behavioral patterns. The main concept of the book promotes replacing the many negative thought you tell yourself each day and changing them in positive thoughts. For example, don’t say,
“Today was a rough day.” Change your thoughts to see the day as, “So many good things happened today.”
A secret I learned long ago is, “Tell your child that he is what you want him to become.” For instance, “John, you are such a kind young man,” or, “Annie, I love the way you show wisdom in the decisions your make.” The more they think about your comments the more those positive reinforcement will affect whom they become. With so much negative out there we as mother need to be the positive force behind their self-image. Self-confidence is produced just as it is stated… SELF… A child becomes what they are told they are and what they tell themselves they are. It doesn’t take a Doctorate in Child Development to come to this conclusion or to help your child overcome self-doubt. It takes love, patience and a lot of positive reinforcement.
Once when reading in Isaiah, verse 61:3 the phrase “the garment of praise” caught my attention causing me to ponder and reflect on its meaning. As mothers we make sure our children are properly clothed and fed, taught personal hygiene, and that they learn proper manners and etiquette so society will accept them. But what about clothing them with daily praise as they live in your home so they will accept themselves? As they learn to accept who they are the approval of their peers becomes less and less important and they become more self-confidence rather than peer-confident.
Years ago I read a study that revealed when a child leaves home for the day he receives at least five negative comments about himself from other people before the first recess at school. How important is it that we reinforce their positive image at home? Very important! No one really cares about your child with the same interest or intensity as his or her mother. Only rarely do you find a teacher or friend who has the same concern about your child as you do. You are the one who cheers the loudest from the sideline on his journey to self-confidence. It is your voice he hears the loudest.
If you listen to your children you can tell how they feel about themselves. They will give you both negative and positive feedback clues. How many times have you heard some of these comments, “I didn’t have any friends to play with today,” or “I had the best time at recess,” or “My classes are too hare,” or “My teacher told me today that I read very well.” These statements reflect their inner self-perceptions allowing you, their mother, to gauge their self-image.
As they grow older the nature of their comments change but not their subtle meaning. They are telling you how they feel the world sees them and also how they perceive themselves as an individual. We need to listen and help them sift through all the comments they hear and teach them to eliminate the negative and internalize the positive. Internalizing everyone’s comments throughout his life your child starts to tell himself who he is and those thoughts make him the person he really becomes.
Hopefully, your child grown to adulthood will be able to look at his thinning hairline and realize that one’s character is not judged by the thickness of their hair. This will mean that self-confidence has truly been achieved.
Seriously, one scar that I never wanted my children to have was low self-esteem. I have seen the abuse given to some children as their mother belittled and humiliated them in public. My heart would ache as I wished I could take those children home with me and love them. I never wanted my children to feel that kind of humiliation.
Each child’s personality is so different and it is often a difficult struggle to find out what positive reinforcement approach works. No matter what I did some of my children still had struggles developing a good self-image. I wonder if this is more the rule than the exception in their path to adulthood. Being noticed in a positive way brings a sense of reward and gratification and aids in self-perception. The road to good self-esteem is an individual journey with both cheering and jeering from the sidelines. The important point is to protect against those negative comments coming from the sidelines while helping them internalize the positive ones.
I read a great book several years ago that helped me to understand this concept. The title is, What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, by Shad Helmstetter. I would highly recommend this book if you have a child with self-defeating behavioral patterns. The main concept of the book promotes replacing the many negative thought you tell yourself each day and changing them in positive thoughts. For example, don’t say,
“Today was a rough day.” Change your thoughts to see the day as, “So many good things happened today.”
A secret I learned long ago is, “Tell your child that he is what you want him to become.” For instance, “John, you are such a kind young man,” or, “Annie, I love the way you show wisdom in the decisions your make.” The more they think about your comments the more those positive reinforcement will affect whom they become. With so much negative out there we as mother need to be the positive force behind their self-image. Self-confidence is produced just as it is stated… SELF… A child becomes what they are told they are and what they tell themselves they are. It doesn’t take a Doctorate in Child Development to come to this conclusion or to help your child overcome self-doubt. It takes love, patience and a lot of positive reinforcement.
Once when reading in Isaiah, verse 61:3 the phrase “the garment of praise” caught my attention causing me to ponder and reflect on its meaning. As mothers we make sure our children are properly clothed and fed, taught personal hygiene, and that they learn proper manners and etiquette so society will accept them. But what about clothing them with daily praise as they live in your home so they will accept themselves? As they learn to accept who they are the approval of their peers becomes less and less important and they become more self-confidence rather than peer-confident.
Years ago I read a study that revealed when a child leaves home for the day he receives at least five negative comments about himself from other people before the first recess at school. How important is it that we reinforce their positive image at home? Very important! No one really cares about your child with the same interest or intensity as his or her mother. Only rarely do you find a teacher or friend who has the same concern about your child as you do. You are the one who cheers the loudest from the sideline on his journey to self-confidence. It is your voice he hears the loudest.
If you listen to your children you can tell how they feel about themselves. They will give you both negative and positive feedback clues. How many times have you heard some of these comments, “I didn’t have any friends to play with today,” or “I had the best time at recess,” or “My classes are too hare,” or “My teacher told me today that I read very well.” These statements reflect their inner self-perceptions allowing you, their mother, to gauge their self-image.
As they grow older the nature of their comments change but not their subtle meaning. They are telling you how they feel the world sees them and also how they perceive themselves as an individual. We need to listen and help them sift through all the comments they hear and teach them to eliminate the negative and internalize the positive. Internalizing everyone’s comments throughout his life your child starts to tell himself who he is and those thoughts make him the person he really becomes.
Hopefully, your child grown to adulthood will be able to look at his thinning hairline and realize that one’s character is not judged by the thickness of their hair. This will mean that self-confidence has truly been achieved.
Motherhood Drawbacks
I’ve come to realize that our calling of Motherhood has some difficult emotions. When your child reaches adulthood you find yourself out of a job! This summer we enjoyed the wedding of our fourth child, Steven. He married a wonderful girl at the right time and in the right place. We are thrilled for them, but my “baby blues” came after the reception when the ribbons and bows were put away and the chairs were stacked neatly in the corner. With all the happiness that surrounds a wedding why do I have this empty feeling that a part of me is gone?
Everyone seems to move on with life but as a mother, more than anyone else, you deeply feel the transition that needs to take place. No longer can unsolicited advice flow freely to your child. That day has past and the time you’ve so long prepared your child for has come. This time a paradox is created, sadness that the apron strings are cut and happiness that your goal to successfully prepare you child to leave home has been achieved. A mother must now move out of her comfort zone and put on another hat, or as I refer to it, “move over to the next chair.” This new role is a hard transition to make. The chair that you now need to sit in has a bold sign posted above it that reads, “This person will only give advice when asked.” At first it is a difficult seat to feel comfortable in. It is a big adjustment to instantly stop mothering when you have worked so hard to perfect those skills during the past twenty plus years.
What can we do to alter our approach as a mother? Is it possible to stay close to adult children while maintain the ability to properly influence them? It is now important for us to put those mothering skills we have gained towards a new focus. We need to become their friend not their parent. The key work is the last sentence is “their.” No longer is your child single because with marriage the relationship has become a package deal, involving your child’s spouse as well. You must become your new son-in-law’s or daughter-in-law’s best supporter and biggest advocate, just as you did while mothering your own child.
The question to ask oneself is, “What really makes a good friend?’ In my opinion a friend is someone who 1) never judges but loves me for who I am, 2) doesn’t expect friendship on their terms, 3) always encourages but doesn’t say, “I told you so” when my plan doesn’t work, 4) gives honest advice when asked but never requires me to follow it, 5) is there for me when the chips are down but doesn’t bale me out of every challenge I face and 6) listens without offering opinions. This makes a good friend in my view but more importantly a good mother to adult children.
I hope I’m not alone in my feelings. This transition is hard but I am beginning to see the rewards of moving over to the “Next chair.” It is the one with the title posted above it that reads, “grandmother.” In fact that title has it’s own unique sense of power built on love, wisdom and patience. When intertwined together these qualities create an influence for a grandchild that even his own parent (your child) will never have. So when asked what I want to become after all my children are gone, my reply is simply, “A Grandmother.”
Everyone seems to move on with life but as a mother, more than anyone else, you deeply feel the transition that needs to take place. No longer can unsolicited advice flow freely to your child. That day has past and the time you’ve so long prepared your child for has come. This time a paradox is created, sadness that the apron strings are cut and happiness that your goal to successfully prepare you child to leave home has been achieved. A mother must now move out of her comfort zone and put on another hat, or as I refer to it, “move over to the next chair.” This new role is a hard transition to make. The chair that you now need to sit in has a bold sign posted above it that reads, “This person will only give advice when asked.” At first it is a difficult seat to feel comfortable in. It is a big adjustment to instantly stop mothering when you have worked so hard to perfect those skills during the past twenty plus years.
What can we do to alter our approach as a mother? Is it possible to stay close to adult children while maintain the ability to properly influence them? It is now important for us to put those mothering skills we have gained towards a new focus. We need to become their friend not their parent. The key work is the last sentence is “their.” No longer is your child single because with marriage the relationship has become a package deal, involving your child’s spouse as well. You must become your new son-in-law’s or daughter-in-law’s best supporter and biggest advocate, just as you did while mothering your own child.
The question to ask oneself is, “What really makes a good friend?’ In my opinion a friend is someone who 1) never judges but loves me for who I am, 2) doesn’t expect friendship on their terms, 3) always encourages but doesn’t say, “I told you so” when my plan doesn’t work, 4) gives honest advice when asked but never requires me to follow it, 5) is there for me when the chips are down but doesn’t bale me out of every challenge I face and 6) listens without offering opinions. This makes a good friend in my view but more importantly a good mother to adult children.
I hope I’m not alone in my feelings. This transition is hard but I am beginning to see the rewards of moving over to the “Next chair.” It is the one with the title posted above it that reads, “grandmother.” In fact that title has it’s own unique sense of power built on love, wisdom and patience. When intertwined together these qualities create an influence for a grandchild that even his own parent (your child) will never have. So when asked what I want to become after all my children are gone, my reply is simply, “A Grandmother.”
Tuesday
Summer Time
It’s here, summer! I am referring to the annual summer vacation that every student (and teacher) looks forward to. Funny thing is, when it finally arrives the students, at least, just don’t know what to do with all their extra spare time. I expect it will only take about three weeks and you’ll hear the words, “What is there to do?” Of course, cleaning their room is out of the question and weeding the flowerbed is unconceivable. They always want to do great things during their time off but fail to realize their planned events usually only last a week or two and then boredom sets in. As it happens when they can’t think of anything to do they turn to you. Seldom in the job description of “Mother” do you hear the term “activities chairwoman” but in reality you are or should be just that. As much as they want to be on vacation with no deadlines or pressures they still need structure. Secretly they still want a schedule, goals and planned events. Our job is to be creative as to how we label our summer events so our children won’t think we have their summer planned for them with things we want them to accomplish.
To prove my point we were on vacation in Mexico during a break with our two youngest children visiting the ancient ruins. We had a couple of days at a resort with all sorts of wonderful activities and options. After the first morning of free time that consisted of swimming in the ocean, sunning, reading and just totally relaxing my daughter said, “This is fun but I think I enjoy exploring and learning about the ruins more!” Point proven. This was my first glimmer into my daughter’s future self. I was delighted she could recognize that productivity was associated with contentment.
Summer is a wonderful time for you to get reacquainted with your children who have been so scheduled with activities away from home during the school year. I can’t give you advice on what to do but we do live in the greater Los Angeles area where the options are innumerable. Take advantage of what is in our own backyard. Knowing your children’s interest, use our local resources to enjoy and have fun with them.
What I can encourage you to do is to make a plan. This is where you as the “activities chairwoman” fit in. Have a family council where all members participate in making a “To Do” list of activities and goals they would like to accomplish. Be sure to put on the list those items that have to be done like reading that classic book for their English class in the fall, cleaning out from under their beds (hopefully they will find those socks that have been missing for months), organizing last years school work into scrapbooks or going to Disneyland with the family. The important thing is that these events and activities need to be listed and written down.
Next, work the plan. Get a three-month calendar and schedule when big events will take place and around them plan the smaller events and fillers including reading time, cleaning time and relaxing time when they really can play the Wii or watch a DVD of their choice. The ultimate goal is to set a plan that they can do by themselves. Let it be their ideas regarding what they can do. Your role is to be only the coordinator of activities, not the enforcer of the schedule. Allow them to govern their own time by using the planned schedule. Children are more motivated when it is their idea.
Just as a side note, when my children have expressed to me that they don’t know what to do, I have come to realize they are really saying, “Will you stop what your are doing and spend time with me?” That is when I have always pulled out one of my favorite books and read to them. I am a firm believer that reading can take you on adventures and to places beyond anything that Southern California has to offer. I would like to quote Sheri Dew who said, “I am a huge advocate of doing everything imaginable to encourage children to read because I believe in the power of good books to transport, transform and inspire. People who love to read seem to have a decided advantage in just about everything they do.” Wise words!
So when that question comes, “Mom, what is there to do?” Just point them in the direction of the calendar to see what the next activity is on the family summer fun list. Most importantly… enjoy these days with them and create wonderful memories.
Thursday
Borrowed Light
We recently attended the setting apart of a Sister with whose family we have gained a special closeness. It was what you call one of those paydays in life. I reflected on our experiences together and the challenges their family has been through. They have endured more trials and tribulations than most families are called on to bear. Suffering unemployment, wayward children, physical handicap issues, prejudices and bigotry from non-member relatives, poor health, death of her husband, grieving and finally the challenging circumstances of life as a single parent. I marveled at this mother who is making correct choices under extremely difficult circumstances.
I made a mental note observing this family was not alone in the room. Present were her current Bishop, former Bishop, visiting teachers, home teachers, relief society presidents, both past and present, youth leaders and true friends who sincerely cared about this family. They all represented a strength and light that she had drawn from at one time or another. It was awe inspiring to see the church organization in action with charity intertwined through it all.
I have thought about this event throughout this past week contrasting this experience with other individuals I observe who do not make wise choices in their lives. Not only are they suffering because of these poor choices but their children are penalized as well. The higher road is the hardest road and requires real strength of character and determination. When we as mothers contemplate our children’s potential and our aspirations for them we anticipate them bettering their existence, becoming smarter than we are… wiser than we are… stronger in the church, and basically we desire a better way of life for them. The questions to ask ourselves are… “Are we making those choices that will give them those opportunities? Are we teaching by our example with truth and light to show them a better way of life so they won’t make the same mistakes we make?”
President Boyd K. Packer relates his experience in Polynesia while traveling from one island to another. The crew on their small boat was in need of a flashlight as their own light’s batteries had gone dead. Because they would be arriving after dark, it was needed to guide them safely into the harbor. A passenger had a flashlight in his luggage and so the crew borrowed his. It was because of this borrowed light that they arrived without harm because a power outage eliminated all illumination around the dock they were arriving at. “The Edge of the Light”, BYU Devotional, 3/1990.
Building on the analogy that children are borrowers of their parent’s light, we as their role models demonstrate everything they emulate. They borrow from us, as their examples, everything we are until they can become who they are. They become what you are because they perceive your behavior a paragon of everything correct. Is the “light” they borrow from you the right light?
We can recognize generational traits being passed down from father to son… mother to daughter and if they are positive traits we should reinforce those attributes. On the contrary, if they are negative traits which generationally persist, then the time has come to stop transmitting it to future generations by becoming the transitional person in the family line to alter those behaviors. It all comes down to the choices you make as a role model. Which traits do you want your children to borrow? The concept of giving others our light is not new. We are taught to strengthen ourselves so that others may lean on us during their times of need.
"You cannot lift another soul until you are standing on a higher ground than he is. You must be sure, if you would rescue the man, which you yourself are setting the example of what you would have him be. You cannot light a fire in another soul unless it is burning in your own soul." --Harold B. Lee, "Stand Ye in Holy Places", Ensign, July 1973
The choices we make, our generational habits we cling to impact our children and their future lives. In these times of uncertainty and hardship the phrase, “Safety in Zion” rings correct. It doesn’t mean that we will be without trials but the choices we make will keep us close to the gospel and will get us through these times. Correct paths will help us maintain the light we can let our children borrow to guide them safely into the harbor.
I made a mental note observing this family was not alone in the room. Present were her current Bishop, former Bishop, visiting teachers, home teachers, relief society presidents, both past and present, youth leaders and true friends who sincerely cared about this family. They all represented a strength and light that she had drawn from at one time or another. It was awe inspiring to see the church organization in action with charity intertwined through it all.
I have thought about this event throughout this past week contrasting this experience with other individuals I observe who do not make wise choices in their lives. Not only are they suffering because of these poor choices but their children are penalized as well. The higher road is the hardest road and requires real strength of character and determination. When we as mothers contemplate our children’s potential and our aspirations for them we anticipate them bettering their existence, becoming smarter than we are… wiser than we are… stronger in the church, and basically we desire a better way of life for them. The questions to ask ourselves are… “Are we making those choices that will give them those opportunities? Are we teaching by our example with truth and light to show them a better way of life so they won’t make the same mistakes we make?”
President Boyd K. Packer relates his experience in Polynesia while traveling from one island to another. The crew on their small boat was in need of a flashlight as their own light’s batteries had gone dead. Because they would be arriving after dark, it was needed to guide them safely into the harbor. A passenger had a flashlight in his luggage and so the crew borrowed his. It was because of this borrowed light that they arrived without harm because a power outage eliminated all illumination around the dock they were arriving at. “The Edge of the Light”, BYU Devotional, 3/1990.
Building on the analogy that children are borrowers of their parent’s light, we as their role models demonstrate everything they emulate. They borrow from us, as their examples, everything we are until they can become who they are. They become what you are because they perceive your behavior a paragon of everything correct. Is the “light” they borrow from you the right light?
We can recognize generational traits being passed down from father to son… mother to daughter and if they are positive traits we should reinforce those attributes. On the contrary, if they are negative traits which generationally persist, then the time has come to stop transmitting it to future generations by becoming the transitional person in the family line to alter those behaviors. It all comes down to the choices you make as a role model. Which traits do you want your children to borrow? The concept of giving others our light is not new. We are taught to strengthen ourselves so that others may lean on us during their times of need.
"You cannot lift another soul until you are standing on a higher ground than he is. You must be sure, if you would rescue the man, which you yourself are setting the example of what you would have him be. You cannot light a fire in another soul unless it is burning in your own soul." --Harold B. Lee, "Stand Ye in Holy Places", Ensign, July 1973
The choices we make, our generational habits we cling to impact our children and their future lives. In these times of uncertainty and hardship the phrase, “Safety in Zion” rings correct. It doesn’t mean that we will be without trials but the choices we make will keep us close to the gospel and will get us through these times. Correct paths will help us maintain the light we can let our children borrow to guide them safely into the harbor.
Friday
Rebellion in the Ranks
Someone commented on my monthly articles observing, “I see you never write about wayward children because you’ve never experienced that.” I have often reflected on her comment … having a large family we have experienced numerous challenges. We often hear, “life is the best teacher” and it is. I have come to realize you can also learn the lessons of life without going to the extreme depth of any experience. Every child rebels at varies levels and degrees. The principles a parent applies in dealing with wayward behaviors are the same regardless of the degree. Not one family is exempt from rebellion in the ranks, only the degree of rebellion.
Our family’s goal early on was to have all our sons and daughters serve missions. To date seven have or are serving missions and our last daughter is preparing. Each missionary has spoken a different language, adjusted to different customs and worked under different mission presidents who had their own leadership style and attitudes on the work. Their missions were totally different from one another in circumstances and challenges but the point is all my children returned home with the same results, having gained stronger testimonies, tolerance for others and a love for the people they served. Further they all came home ready to get on with their lives in a productive way. They achieved the same knowledge even though they all served in different countries with different companions, mission presidents and cultures. This made me realize we don’t need to personally experience the exact same circumstances to gain understanding and compassion for what others go through.
A friend telephoned me complaining about her young son’s annoying behavior. His speech was always negative, disagreeable and his behavior towards those of lesser physical stature was just short of being a bully. What is the reason for his behavior? What does he really need? These are the probing questions a parent should consider when analyzing negative behavior as opposed to merely receiving advice to “Hold onto your hats and enjoy the ride.” In reality the way a parent handles each circumstance of their children will set the foundation and precedent for them either to continue in that behavior or to alter and modify their behavior into their teens and adult life.
Great advice I once received was to “act, don’t react.” Try to understand what your children want from you and why. Then treat the cause of that behavior not the behavior itself. I know this is theory but the principles are always the same. Rebellion does not start when one becomes a teenager because behavior is a learned habit and begins as a toddler. The challenging role of motherhood requires molding young personalities to develop positive attitudes and attributes, this is not an easy task and requires years of effort…what is easy is having a career and going to work everyday. I admire you young mothers who are choosing the more difficult yet more rewarding path.
I know these thoughts may not be comforting to those whose children are at a deeper level of rebellion but the gospel gives each of us hope. Joseph Smith remarked, “When a seal is put upon the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost, but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their father and mother.” He also stated, “Our Heavenly Father is more liberal in His views, and boundless in His mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive.” The temple blessings that we are all entitled to are the binding ties that will save our families. Because of Jesus Christ, the sins of this generation can be taken away and this gives us knowledge that our children will be not only forgiven but also saved. Never lose hope in that reality and gift. As parents we may not feel we can influence the inner thoughts of our children but we can direct our own thoughts and actions. We need to live the gospel the best we can and show the unconditional love that our Savior demonstrated through his example.
You don’t need to have a rebellious child to gain what the Savior has sent us here to learn as we each are serving a different mission so to speak. But for those parents who are challenged with extremely rebellious children we learn from and admire you as you show unconditional love. We gain compassion and understanding from you. Our admiration may never take the sting away or give you comfort especially when the crowds are gone, the doors are shut and you are left alone with your concerns but the example you are teaching all of us about being the parents the Lord desires is exemplary. For that I say thank you for being the way you are and for teaching us how to be Christ like.
Saturday
Walk the Talk
The other day at work I had a young mother approach me about her family. Some of her siblings were not active in the Church and had made decisions that were leading them further and further away from gospel principles. Her heart was breaking as she watched them making choices that took them away from the gospel and what she knew to be important. They had all joined the Church as a young family when she was just a little girl and were active off and on during her growing up years. She asked me for advice on something that would motivate them to get back on track. I knew she desired a magic solution or event that would demonstrate to her siblings how wrong their choices are and would cause them to return back to living the gospel.
I listened to her and could empathize with her sorrow. I watched her two small children holding onto her skirt while teasing each other. This scene, as they looked up at their mother with innocence, reminded me of a Rockwell painting! How could I explain that in life and the maturing process comes the realization that the family you grew up in has passed to some extent? The magical solution she wants for the family she was raised in now needs to transfer to her husband and children that she is raising and teaching. The solution isn’t magical at all. She must realize that life is not one event but a process involving rules, habits and events of consistent daily living and walking the talk of gospel living.
I do not have a doctorate degree in raising children but I have learned by watching and by example. I know the value of having Family Home Evening even before the Church wrote the FHE manual. I remember my feelings when I heard my father say in a tithing settlement that he was a full tithe payer. I remember the great times we had as siblings when my parents were at the temple each month and also the family prayers each morning as we knelt by the kitchen table as we began our day. I have often wondered what happens to a child when they live with inconsistency and a double standard that parents can sometimes have.
I know that my parents did not watch R rated movies after the children were in bed. They did not teach us to be honest and then cheat in their business dealings. We knew that Sunday was the Sabbath and used it as quiet family time. My parents always had callings and we talked about gospel topics in our home. Our home was a place of peace, trust and safety insulated from worldly influences. When associating with friends who suggested something contrary to what I knew was correct I was given permission to say, “My parents are mean and they won’t let me!” That phrase was my best excuse to stay on track. My parents were examples of consistency in “walking the talk.” I’ve learned that children learn more by what is done rather than what is said. Life is a process of many events not just one magical moment.
There is wisdom in following the words and admonitions that the gospel suggests. In The Parents Guide: Principles for Teaching Children it states, “The scriptures tell us that God ‘is the same … yesterday, today, and forever’ (D&C 20:12). Our Heavenly Father’s undeviating truth in word and deed permitted the Savior to trust his Father’s teachings and submit to the will of his Father. Similarly, our children will be more likely to believe our teachings and follow our examples if we strive to be consistent.”
Being an example and loving unconditionally is what this young mother can do for her siblings and parents but her children are like a blank canvas ready to be painted. Her influence there is limitless by her example, love, kindness and consistency in living the gospel and applying those principles into their lives and home environment. There is power in example by “Walking the Talk,” and joy in its rewards.
The Strength of Our Nation
I am awed at some of the shocking news stories carried by the media which causes me to ponder the changes in attitudes and culture our nation has gone through over the past 100 years. I sense that a century ago families stayed close, read a book for entertainment at night and worked together more. Pre-meditated violent crime seems to have been less frequent and moral values were of a higher standard. I question if the media today along with technology simply places our nation’s decay at the forefront because of sensationalism. The world today seems to be focused on the evil all around us. My children are exposed daily to topics and visual stimulation that I never would have dreamed would confront them. If I as a teenager would have been transplanted into today’s world…I would have been appalled because of my generation’s innocence. Today we take the world in stride as just the way it is. Technological advances have so much potential for good, yet certain forces likewise capitalize on them to advance evil. It makes me consider that the war in heaven is still raging for our very souls.
In pondering this topic I came across a chapter in the book, Standing for Something by President Gordon B. Hinckley. His remarks are so timely with all the issues that face us as a nation today. It is sound advice for us as mothers to help protect our families. The following are excerpts from his book concerning how the strength of our nation depends on the strength of our homes.
President Hinckley counsels, “Society’s problems arise, almost without exception, out of the homes of the people. If there is to be a reformation, if there is to be a change, if there is to be a return to old and sacred values, it must begin in the home.
There is no place, no environment more conducive to the development of virtue than the family. The health of any society, the happiness of its people, their prosperity and their peace, all find their roots in the teaching of children by fathers and mothers, and in the strength and stability of the family unit. It is also the most fundamental and basic unit of society. It deserves focus and attention. We go to great lengths to preserve historical buildings and sites in our cities. We need to apply the same fervor to preserving the most ancient and sacred of institutions, the family… Here are some suggestions how…
- Accept responsibility for our role as parents and fulfill our obligations to our children.
- Put the father back at the head of the home. Too many families have been denied the leadership and stabilizing influence of a good and devoted father who stands at the side of an able and caring mother in gently disciplining, and prayerfully helping the children for whom they are a father to. Who better than a father to teach his children what the role of a father should be…one who provides, defends, counselors, listens, gives support when needed, teaches the value of education and the miracle of self esteem that only a father can give.
- Recognize and value the supreme importance of mothers. Mothers provide inspiration and balance; they constitute a reservoir of faith and good works. They are an anchor of devotion and loyalty and accomplishment. As the keepers of the home, they give encouragement to their husbands and they teach and nurture their children. They provide security, peace, companionship, love and motivation to grow and do well. Women who make a house a home make a far greater contribution to society than those who command large armies or stand at the head of impressive corporations. Who can put a price tag on the influence a mother has on her children, a grandmother on her posterity, or aunts and sisters on their extended family?
- Celebrate and treat children as our most priceless treasures. Our lives have become intensely fast-paced and full of busyness. If our children are really our greatest treasures, it stands to reason that they deserve our greatest attention. The more time we spend together, the greater the potential for deepening bonds of love, loyalty, trust and devotion.
- Discipline and train children with example. There is an old proverb that states, “As the twig is bent, so the tree is inclined.” The primary place for building a value system is in the home. If the home inflicts harshness, abuse, uncontrolled anger, dishonesty, immorality, and disloyalty, the fruits will be certain and in all likelihood, repeated in the generation that follows. If, on the other hand, there is forbearance, forgiveness, respect, consideration, kindness, mercy, and compassion, the fruits again will follow onto the next generation as well. The example of wise, fair, honest, and loving parents will do more than anything else in impressing on the minds of children the important principles they need to adopt in their own lives.
- Teach values to children. The most important value to teach children is to teach civility toward others. The world is an example of hatred towards others of another group. Why all this upheaval? It comes of the fact that for generations in the homes of that land, hatred has been taught. Hatred for those of ethnic roots that is different than their own. The tragedy is the bitter fruit of seeds of hatred sown in the hearts of children by their parents. We can protect America against conflict between ethnic groups by teaching tolerance and love in our home. Conflict among the races and religions will fade when all of us recognize that we are all part of one great family, valued equally by our Father.”
Barbara Bush said in a graduation commencement speech at Wellesley College, an all-women institution, “Your success as a family – our success as a society – depends not on what happens at the White House, but on what happens inside your house.”
President Hinckley’s words are a great example of the value of a living prophet to guide us in these troubled times. Let’s evaluate our homes and the influence we have to strengthen and teach our children to be good citizens and to make a valuable contribution to our society.
The Ball Is In Your Court
I remember the number of games I attended each week with 6 boys playing sports. Almost every night of the week and every Saturday were filled with practices or games to attend. I knew I had mentally lost it when I started forgetting which game was where and with whom...I needed a map with a sports schedule attached to keep it all straight.
Did I enjoy them? This question became the subject of conversation when the mother of only one son was sitting by me one night on the bleachers. She was going on about how wonderful it was to get out of the house to enjoy a good ball game. She then asked, “Don’t you just love being here?” Almost as if a remote control button was pushed I paused that moment in time as thoughts of everything else I could be doing at home ran through my mind. Instead, here I was sitting at the ball park, a cold wind blowing through me with innings that never seemed to end as boy after boy took their turn at bat. Just as I was about to answer her question the coach yelled at the umpire and marched onto the field for a vile face to face confrontation and was immediately asked to leave the game. This whole scene represented another great example of team spirit and playing with honor as my son witnessed his coach and team leader being kicked out of the game.
To answer her question I could not help but think that after years of watching game after game…sport after sport…the involvement I enjoyed and literally loved was watching my sons play. I rallied my focus and watched in awe as my child participated, did well and loved his involvement in each sport. Did I enjoy the games and get involved in each play! The answer is no…I was not there to see the game because I loved it…I came to see my sons play the game because I loved them. That is the answer. I can’t say that I am like most mothers. I’m sure that some of you love every aspect of every sport including those coaches with errant behavior. Over the years I learned that some games are won and some games are lost but there will always be another game tomorrow. It truly is how you play the game, not whether you win or lose. I know those may be fighting words to some but from my perspective, that’s the way I view it.
To me it was not about the game at all…it was about my son who was playing! Games and sports were a way for me to stay close to my sons. You really can’t take them shopping or out to lunch where you just “bond”. With a boy you bond on the practice field and the game field watching him, cheering him on, making him think that he is wonderful and a great asset to the team. It was the after game activity that meant the most to me, driving home reviewing the game as my son eagerly chatted about the experience. This was more fun than the game itself. Talking about the different plays of the game or the strategies of the different players and coaches were the bonding moments that made the previous three hour game worthwhile! Were all those years worth it? That answer is definitely a YES! Would I do it again? Again, the answer is yes, because those games brought me closer to my sons. Even today we talk about the different seasons of sports, coaches and plays. They still remember every great play they ever made and expect me to remember them too. I don’t, but what is important is they do and still talk to me about it.
My boys have now outgrown those past seasons of sports and to tell you the truth I don’t miss all those games. My life is without regret in that area. I went to their games and enjoyed being with them. With the ill twist of fate though I have decided that life is cruel because now that my sons are older, somehow they still do not like to go shopping or go out to lunch. What is it that they do when they all get together?…They play sports… and if they are not playing a sport they are talking about them. So, what is a mother’s dilemma here? It comes in thinking of ways to stay bonded with our sons who are still narrow in their extra curricular enrichment activities. I have come to the conclusion that the ball is in our court though, if I can use that term. We need to get on their playing field, so I’ve come up with a strategy that works. Talk sports with your sons by keeping up on who’s who in the sports trivia world like who is the homerun king, why a coach picked a certain strategy, which team will make the NBA finals or which leg of the race they are on…then after those moments of bonding, take his wife out shopping and to lunch; she is the one who will appreciate it. See, it is a win-win situation; we really can coach and win this game of motherhood. It is all in the strategy.
Teach Me What I Must Be
Sterling W. Sill once said, “Each of us has two creators, God and ourselves. In this job of creation, God provides the capital but we are expected to furnish the labor.”
What comforts me in this creation process is that it is not a do-it-yourself project. We have help. We have parents, siblings, children, Church family and friends that all play an important part in who we become.
I had the opportunity to sit in a lecture with Susan Easton Black, a Church history professor at Brigham Young University. Her remarks opened up a new idea to me concerning this creation process that is a part of us all. As I pondered her concepts they became a springboard in expanding my understanding of the ideas she shared.
Several years ago President Spencer W. Kimball asked that a word in the primary song, “I am a Child of God” be changed. In the original version we sang…”Teach me, guide me, walk beside me. Help me find the way. Teach me all that I must KNOW to live with Him someday.”
President Kimball suggested that we have moved beyond just knowing; he suggested that we sing, “Teach me all that I must DO to live with Him someday.”
Sister Black presented the idea that we need to think deeper yet. She commented that we should be singing, “Teach me all that I must BE to live with Him someday.”
A new idea opened up to me. She put my understanding of progression at a higher level and furnished me with a tool I could use in this “labor” part of my own creation and that of my children as well.
In thinking about this concept, To Know, To Do, To Be, I came to realize that “To Be,” is really, “I am” when the verb is conjugated putting it into the present tense. I find it interesting that one of the names our Savior uses in reference to Himself is, “I Am.” We are always being challenged to become like the Savior or, in other words “To be” an “I am” person. When we sing, “Teach me all that I must BE to live with Him someday”, we are really saying teach me to be one with the Savior in actions and purpose. As individuals and parents our aim should be to teach our children to become an “I am” member of the Church. We all know those Church members. They are the ones we all look up to and respect because of their living the gospel unquestioningly.
You can take any principle of the gospel and teach it to your family by using the following simple approach. For example, if you want your child to learn the principle of tithing you must first, teach them to know why they need to tithe. Second, do the act of paying a full tithing on a regular basis. It is the process and consistency that is important at this point. Third, when it becomes a habit to pay a full tithing it then becomes second nature and is no longer a struggle. Your child becomes that “To Be” or “I Am,” person in the principle that you are trying to help them develop within themselves. With any gospel principle that you want your child to learn or understand, try this same approach. It will work. First I know, then I do, and finally I am.
I find myself thinking of the questions asked during the temple recommend interview. If you could reword those questions from a “yes” or “no” answer, what a different meaning it would take on if you could answer simply “I am” to every question. Striving to become like the Savior takes on an easy step-by-step approach. It is a good self-test to see how you are doing in this creation process and tells how much more labor you have to put in.
As this New Year begins and goals are being set remind your children that they are not alone in this process of becoming. There are parents, sibling, good fiends and ward family waiting to help but most importantly a Father in Heaven who has given them the “capital” to succeed.
Talent Scouts
I was listening to a radio talk host the other day who was emphasizing that all men are created equal… but after having eight children I have the experience to differ with his opinion. We all should have equal rights under our laws but I have come to appreciate that we are not equal in our abilities, talents and drive. It is those differences that make our world interesting. We are all individually unique. Can you imagine how unappreciative we would be if we were all Beethovens or Michaelangelos or had the leadership abilities of George Washington? All of us have different gifts… if no one stood on the sidewalk, who would enjoy the parade? I have come to the conclusion that we are not just mothers, so here is one more description to add to our list of attributes…we are talent scouts as well!
I was reminiscing about a young man I knew. Some years ago the high school choral teacher opened up her room every lunch hour for students to hang out and play with guitars. One particular group always came in, known for their low achievement on campus. She became friends with them and, strategizing about the lack of male participation in her choral program, asked them to sing songs with her around the piano while she accompanied. She played songs they knew and the genre of music that she felt they would relate to. What she discovered was a hidden talent in two of those boys. Ultimately one became the bass that carried the whole section while the other boy was a first class tenor who now sings in Europe performing at the very best opera houses. Who would have thought?
How many children around us are gifted but have never played a piano or never picked up a paintbrush or have never been given the opportunity to make a speech or take a debate class. What about the child who has the aptitude for playing a harp but has never been close to one or the writer who is not encouraged to compose his feelings on paper. How blessed we are to have the knowledge that we can grow and progress throughout eternity because mortality doesn’t offer enough time or opportunity to explore all avenues of development.
Whenever the parable of the talents is brought up at church or someone talks about talents, either as money or attributes, I can’t help but think, after having been involved with so many personalities, that the Lord has given us all different gifts. The fun is discovering what talents each child has and then helping them develop and increase those talents.
I think back on my child who lined his shoes up in the closet where everything was neat and in place. Another was great musically and school was a breeze; one I turned to when I needed a hard physical work done; the contemplative one I made sure had drawing supplies and a journal to write in. I had one that would talk his way out of any situation and we all believed him! Another one organized all the parties and one who entertained us with jokes and laughter, while the one who drove us all crazy with singing in the shower, was first on my list to take vocal lessons. Everyone had lessons in music, art and sports ad nauseam and yet it took me several children before I realized that not all excelled at the same pace nor even had an interest in what I thought they needed to learn. I was only there to give opportunity and direction, not to dictate what I thought they should excel in.
We mothers are talent scouts! Our job is to see qualities in every child we have influence over and encourage that quality into reaching its highest potential.
Raising The Bar
We have heard the admonition from President Hinckley to send better prepared missionaries out into the field. It has been several years since we first started hearing the phrase, “Raise the Bar.” In my household with another missionary only a year away I find myself asking the question, “What must I do to help my son be better prepared?”
The challenge to “Raise the standard of missionaries” can mean only one thing…We, as mothers, must raise our own personal standards of spirituality and worthiness to prepare our children. Are we ready to take upon ourselves that challenge? I have seen the power of righteous women too many times to doubt the fact that their influence for good can have a tremendous effect on all those around them.
Here are some points to consider in raising our own level of spirituality in our homes in the effort to prepare better missionaries.
- Safeguard your home and make it a place of refuge where the Spirit may be felt. Limit the worldly media brought into your home. Make sure that uplifting materials are available such as Church publications, scriptures, pictures of the Savior and good books that are read and discussed. Television time should be family time and only watched together, as opposed to just being something to do. Play inspiring music with uplifting lyrics in the home so that those words will be in their thoughts. By creating homes with a spiritual atmosphere children can more easily recognize and contrast the difference between spiritual and non-spiritual circumstances.
- Look for opportunities where your family can have uplifting spiritual experiences, such as excursions to visitor centers or temples to do baptisms. Plan family trips that are church history centered. Help them attend LDS sponsored events such as EFY and stake youth conferences and encourage seminary attendance.
- Keep communication open and talk about spiritual things with your children so they will be able to recognize the Spirit when they feel it. Help them realize defining moments in their lives when the Spirit is testifying of truth and eternal principles.
- Make gospel discussions a commonplace event. First, we must understand the gospel to discuss its principles effectively. Talking about the scriptures daily will make the concepts become part of your child, thus becoming part of their nature. Use examples from the scriptures to help them in daily problem solving.
Several years ago the Church conducted a survey to determine what the motivational factors were for young men and women to serve full time missions. The findings were reviewed in a gospel doctrine class where the teacher asked what activities or habits create the desire in our youth to serve a mission. Hands immediately went up and the answers seemed reasonable. “Attending church”, “graduating from seminary”, “earning the rank of Eagle,” and so on…these answers, however, were not what the survey discovered.
The class members’ responses were the “going though the motions” kind of answers which displayed external obedience. Interestingly the Church found two basic reasons that motivated young men and young women to serve missions which were far different from those expressed that Sunday morning.
The first was personal prayer and the second was personal scripture study. With that announcement by the teacher suddenly the atmosphere in the class took on a different perspective. We speak about internalizing the gospel… personal study and personal prayers are the epitome of internalizing.
The statement was made that all the activities, teachings and focus on the youth should be centered on the gospel causing them to study and pray on their own. That is the goal we should all be reaching for.
If a child is raised in a gospel centered home where the Spirit is present, scriptures are taught and discussed; good communication with parents, trust and love are felt and daily family prayer, this will become the foundation needed to raise a higher caliber missionary that President Hinckley is asking for. The attitude will be not “Should I go on a mission”, but, “When I go on a mission.”
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