It Takes a Village

We just took our daughter to the Mission Training Center in Provo, Utah. She is the last of our eight children to go on a mission. As we pulled into the facility the volunteer directing traffic pointed the way for us to go to unload her luggage and say our goodbyes. As we drove down the lane several newly arrived Elders were already there waiting to go in. As we pulled to the curb and opened the back of our car a seasoned Elder approached us. After warm greetings of welcome he asked her these questions … “Do you have a cell phone or computer?” “No, those were given to my brother.” “Did you bring your Immunization record?” “Yes, here it is.” His companion then took her suitcase while she carried her violin and off she went in her (longer than normal) red skirt and a smile on her face with anticipation of a wonderful experience that was awaiting her. I realized the tears I felt starting to surface were not for her as I would not have my daughter anywhere else in the world. The emotion I felt was for me because this event was the end of an era and the beginning of a new one.

Just a half hour before this experience as we were driving to the MTC we drove by an apartment building for students. As we passed it our daughter mentioned how this peculiar complex had a bad reputation. The young adults who live in the complex work or attend various schools in the area and choose to live there because of the fun and party atmosphere. No code of conduct is enforced. Imagine children being left unattended in a candy store with no rules or regulations letting their desires dictate their behavior. Compare that with what goes on when we are older without rules and boundaries.

We had a great discussion on rules and how boundaries need to be set for a happy life. We all do better when we know our limits. Who sets these guidelines of conduct that we follow? Parents, society, school, friends… they all have different levels and opinions of what is good and right or what brings happiness? Who do we follow? We all have a tendency to find the boundary line. With our “natural man” instinct, we push the envelope until we are told to stop. That is how a child learns behavior. In child rearing we allow our children to behave to the limit of our tolerance. If we have no rules about not jumping on the furniture…it’s a guarantee that your furniture will be jumped on. Rules and limits are needed.

As our children grow they seem to gravitate toward friends who share the same standards they want to live. I have seen enough of life to see what happens when a child does not have rules and punishment to fit those rules when broken. I’ve seen teens whose parents desired them to be popular and allowed the gospel standards to be relaxed. Some adults knowingly choose to “live in the world.” They break rules both morally and socially and ultimately end up with a false sense of happiness. I felt thankful for the bounds in which my daughter would be living the next 18 months in this formative time of her life. I know they will only bring her happiness and joy if she is obedient to them.

One of my sons was telling me about an old high school friend. He is not a member of the church and his life had gone a totally different path. No children and living with someone without marriage. It was interesting to contemplate how different his life would be if he had the gospel in his life to set a path for him. We cannot judge others if they don’t have our values but what we can do is follow the admonitions given to us that will bring true happiness and hopefully others will see that there is a better way to live.

As I watched our daughter walk away I was so grateful for the rules and guidelines she has been living for the past several years. I thought of the Strength of Youth pamphlet she received when she turned 12. She read it often and her Young Women leaders and Bishop quoted it regularly. I am grateful for her choice of a University that has an honor code and the teachings of the gospel that have brought her to this point in her decision making process. I realize also that she chose her path because of others around her.

I truly am grateful for the gospel standards and all the help I received while raising my children. Leaders reinforced the bounds that I taught. Gratitude for friends who lived within those bounds and family who helped each other make correct decision by word, action and example. I may have eight children who all went on missions but I will be the first one to say… we did not accomplish this alone. It takes a village to raise a child. We just chose the right village to live in.

Religious Differences

My Son came home from high school one day and expressed to me that his best friend from the year before had approached him about “the Mormon Church,” telling him about a class he was taking at his church and how wrong it was to be a Mormon. The friend was warning him and expressed to my son the need to learn about the mistakes he was making by being a Mormon. My son was unmoved about his so-called folly. His foundation of gospel knowledge and testimony was in tact. What really bothered him was his friend, who was changed from being his friend almost overnight. He could not understand this deviation in his friend’s behavior and opinion of him. What made this transformation in his friend is the clue to what happened. How we as mothers handle this situation is crucial to your child’s growth in social understanding and gospel steadfastness.

I received insight into this issue during the past week as I attended an open forum featuring Jan Shipps. She has a Doctorate in L.D.S. History and has been lecturing for the past 40 years declaring the Mormon Church is a Christian Church and should be recognized as such. The interesting fact is that she is not a member of the LDS church but an active member of the United Methodist Church. Somehow this gives her more credibility among the non-LDS groups. The forum I attended was open for ministers from all religions and was held at the School of Theology in Claremont, California. I went because I wanted to meet her as I have read several of her books.

The meeting invited an open setting with all of us facing in a circle. Questions and answers were discussed in a very educated, non-spiritual, straightforward way. With several ministers there from other faiths my curiosity was peaked and I could not help raising my hand and asking a question directed to them as leaders of their own flocks. I queried, “What is it that makes you so afraid of our church that you need to educated your youth against us?” Before anyone could respond I asked a follow-up question, “What can we do to build tolerance and understanding between our church and yours?”

I feel strongly that living in a diverse religious environment we to recognize not only our differences but also need to teach acceptance of each other as individuals in spite of those differences. We need to concentrate on how we are alike, not different. Los Angeles was just recognized as the city boasting the most religions in one concentrated area surpassing London, the previous leader. Our world especially here in California is a melting pot for religions so understanding and tolerating our differences needs to take place. I was able to express my point of view to these clergy in a very open manner.

I was interested in these clergies’ perception of us as a religion. Be it right or wrong they view us as a people who tell their youth that, “we are right and you are wrong.” One very outspoken clergy commented that our people have an almost arrogant, better than you attitude. His own experiences must have led him to this conclusion. If I remember church history correctly that attitude got the early Saints in a lot of trouble in Missouri. Needless to say, they see our youth as a threat to their your, potentially leading them away form their religious beliefs. They feel their youth need to be armed to ward off our advances. I don’t agree with these concepts but accepted their point of view.

The question is what can we do about this whole situation? Understanding the points they made and understanding where we are coming from I see that a line of demarcation needs to be established. A demilitarized zone atmosphere needs to be implemented so relationships of trust can be developed. The rest of the forum was a discussion on building tolerance and acceptance in spite of our differences, working together on community events and teaching these concepts to our congregations.

One concept that was discussed and agreed upon unanimously is the fact that the LDS church has changed from a “We take care of our own” concept to “We take care of the world” concept. They all knew of the generosity of our humanitarian programs and also acknowledged our activity in various communities inter-faith councils. I really felt those clergy walked away with a new understanding about us as a people.

Back to my son on his daily life in a high school where youth are taught that “Mormonism” is bad. I first told him I couldn’t think of a better role model than Mormon who stood strong when everyone was against him. Secondly, I can’t change what other religions teach their people, even though the forum I attended was a good start. I can, however, influence my son’s understanding of people and their fears. I have told him of other religions’ perception of us stealing their youth away from their own religious background and how important it is to be the best friend and best example of who he is and what he represents. His standards and goodness will always win over fear and misunderstanding. Confidence is one’s own beliefs do not mean the need to prove someone to be wrong to strengthen your own position. Truth and the spirit has it’s own natural way of drawing others to you.

Nobody is a Nobody

I have taken on the project of transferring all our home movies from VHS to DVD that becomes more time consuming as I stop to savor the memories. One tape, filmed at least 15 years ago of my oldest son’s high school choir group, came alive with the faces and personalities that we were so close to long ago. I reminisced about their immature high school behavior as well as their talents and capabilities. I instantly recalled how I felt about them and could even remember how I treated them.

I don’t know what has happened to all those teenagers, now in their mid-thirties, except the few who still have ties to our community. From that group came an attorney, several schoolteachers, two doctors, an opera singer, a Hollywood playwright, a couple of accountants and some wonderful mothers and fathers. Unfortunately some have chosen paths or lifestyles that are detrimental to happiness. Looking at those faces I asked myself, “Did I treat those teens while I was in their circle of influence with the respect they deserved?” Had I known that Josh, for example, was going to become a famous opera star, would I have acted differently towards him, likewise for the attorney or doctors? Maybe there is wisdom in not knowing the profession they will choose because every child should be treated with the same respect, as if their talents and abilities were equal.

Whenever I become aware of an adult who is disrespectful to a child my heart aches, especially if it is my child. The mother bear comes out and I want to lash out at the adult who thinks my child isn’t worthy of their consideration and respect. But how grateful I am when an adult sees my child as worthy of notice and aids him or her towards success outside my influence.

I remember being told about Josh, the opera singer, when he first entered the choir room. Running with the wrong crowd, looking rather rebellious and heading down a difficult path, the choir teacher encouraged him to fulfill his fine arts requirement with her class. The rest is history… hidden talent developed that propelled him into a life that others only dream of. Where would he be if the choir teacher hadn’t nurtured his potential?

We all have experience with the disruptive child in Primary and we say to ourselves… “And to think he may be a Bishop one day.” We never know the future individual in our classroom nor the full understanding of the great spirits sent into our homes to mother. Treating everyone with celestial respect can only influence him or her for the better. Will our association be a positive influence?

I recently read a book about a Nun who wanted to be released from her vows and return to life outside the convent. She described herself in a way that has remained with me long after finishing the book, stating, “I am like a clear pane of glass. When it is broken and damaged it can be replaced within a short amount of time and will appear as if nothing ever was broken!” Her point being she could be easily replaced. Her statement has haunted me that someone would feel so unimportant. I have learned that nobody is a Nobody. Everyone is unique and important. In contrast to her analogy I personally feel that we are like stained glass with each piece uniquely made with color blends, shades and shapes. When placed within a group forming a beautiful design because of the addition of its color and shape, contributing to the beauty already there. When a piece of stained glass is broken it can never be replaced by an identical piece. Its uniqueness can never be duplicated exactly. Further stained glass is the most brilliant when the light of the sun (Son) flows through it. A principle all children need to know is they are irreplaceable. No one can accomplish a task just like they would. They add to family and society and make it better because of who they are.

Our children are somebodies and they are important somebodies. We are given glimpses of their potential and can guide them to what they will become. Treat your child with the respect of that potential and they’ll reach it. I cannot think of a more rewarding job than that as “Mother.”

Judge Not

"We should refrain from anything that seems to be a final judgment of any person...the Lord alone has the capacity to judge...And, in all of this we must remember the command to forgive."

--Dallin H. Oaks, "Judge Not and Judging", Ensign, Aug. 1999

Walk the Talk

The other day at work I had a young mother approach me about her family.  Some of her siblings were not active in the Church and had made decisions that were leading them further and further away from gospel principles. Her heart was breaking as she watched them making choices that took them away from the gospel and what she knew to be important. They had all joined the Church as a young family when she was just a little girl and were active off and on during her growing up years.  She asked me for advice on something that would motivate them to get back on track.  I knew she desired a magic solution or event that would demonstrate to her siblings how wrong their choices are and would cause them to return back to living the gospel. 

I listened to her and could empathize with her sorrow.  I watched her two small children holding onto her skirt while teasing each other.  This scene, as they looked up at their mother with innocence, reminded me of a Rockwell painting!  How could I explain that in life and the maturing process comes the realization that the family you grew up in has passed to some extent?  The magical solution she wants for the family she was raised in now needs to transfer to her husband and children that she is raising and teaching. The solution isn’t magical at all. She must realize that life is not one event but a process involving rules, habits and events of consistent daily living and walking the talk of gospel living.

I do not have a doctorate degree in raising children but I have learned by watching and by example.  I know the value of having Family Home Evening even before the Church wrote the FHE manual. I remember my feelings when I heard my father say in a tithing settlement that he was a full tithe payer. I remember the great times we had as siblings when my parents were at the temple each month and also the family prayers each morning as we knelt by the kitchen table as we began our day.  I have often wondered what happens to a child when they live with inconsistency and a double standard that parents can sometimes have. 

I know that my parents did not watch R rated movies after the children were in bed.  They did not teach us to be honest and then cheat in their business dealings. We knew that Sunday was the Sabbath and used it as quiet family time.  My parents always had callings and we talked about gospel topics in our home.  Our home was a place of peace, trust and safety insulated from worldly influences. When associating with friends who suggested something contrary to what I knew was correct I was given permission to say, “My parents are mean and they won’t let me!” That phrase was my best excuse to stay on track.  My parents were examples of consistency in “walking the talk.”  I’ve learned that children learn more by what is done rather than what is said. Life is a process of many events not just one magical moment.

There is wisdom in following the words and admonitions that the gospel suggests. In The Parents Guide: Principles for Teaching Children it states, “The scriptures tell us that God ‘is the same … yesterday, today, and forever’ (D&C 20:12). Our Heavenly Father’s undeviating truth in word and deed permitted the Savior to trust his Father’s teachings and submit to the will of his Father. Similarly, our children will be more likely to believe our teachings and follow our examples if we strive to be consistent.”

Being an example and loving unconditionally is what this young mother can do for her siblings and parents but her children are like a blank canvas ready to be painted.  Her influence there is limitless by her example, love, kindness and consistency in living the gospel and applying those principles into their lives and home environment.  There is power in example by “Walking the Talk,” and joy in its rewards.

The God of This World

The other day I overheard some teenage girls commenting about a flashy sports car driven by a young man. That car definitely attracted the girls’ attention! As girls do they started commenting about how lucky they would be if only he would notice them…I smiled to myself and thought, “Maybe you should visualize that boy driving a car he could afford himself …instead of the one his dad bought.” Later while pondering this incident a past Relief Society lesson popped into my mind.  Wilford Woodruff admonished, “When the daughters of Zion are asked by the young men to join with them in marriage, instead of asking… Has this man a fine brick house? a span of fine horses and a fine carriage? They should ask…Is he a man of God? Has he the Spirit of God with him? Is he a Latter-day Saint? Does he pray? Has he got the Spirit upon him to qualify him to build up the kingdom? If he has that…never mind the carriage and brick house.”  I felt reprimanded by the prophet’s words because I too focused on the car.

A test of this generation is to be in the world while maintaining an eternal perspective when making decisions and selecting choices.  It is difficult to be surrounded by people so focused on worldliness and not put importance on such things as well. This flashy sports car experience made me think that at all ages these choices are present for us to make.  It may not be carriages or brick houses but we all have temporal thoughts and desires that don’t assist us in eternal growth.  Time spent in worldly pursuits and pleasures rob us of the time and energy available for self improvement and eternal growth. How does one begin to keep this focus? Here are a few suggestions that my children came up with.

Don’t judge yourself against worldly values…As I watch the young mothers of today sacrificing “things” to stay at home with their families I gain from their examples.  It isn’t easy staying home with children all day.  In fact, I feel motherhood is the hardest job of the two roles in marriage.  Rewards do not instantly come when a family is small. Only in hindsight will it be confirmed that a stay-at-home mom is eternally the best choice to make.   Don’t feel that everyone but you lives in a “Martha Stewart world” where everything matches and your home is in pristine condition.  The clutter of toys, laughter and cries of children and non-matching place settings at the table are all evidence of the right choice made in your life.  So look at them as positives, not negatives to pine over. 

Put your priorities as a family on eternal things… Planning Young Women meetings with a purpose has taught me the value of planning with the end in mind.  Plan family activities that have meaning and purpose. Choose activities in your home, family trips and outings with a gospel strengthening motive.  Make your home, “not of this world”, but provide the sweetness of eternal things through uplifting visual entertainment and music, home décor and topics of conversations gospel centered.  Several sisters went to lunch the other day and the topic of conversation drifted to the homes in which we were raised.  I was amazed that almost without exception everyone could describe in great detail their childhood homes, remembering such things as the smell of cookies and pictures hanging on walls.  My children will never remember the smell of baking cookies but hopefully they will remember the gospel-centered pictures in our home.  

Teach your family to follow the spirit’s guidance in their choices; then trust their choices… A child learns fastest through your example.  They will watch you and listen to your stories of how the spirit guides and touches your life.  A small child needs you to point out how the spirit works in their own life and as they grow older they will be able to feel it themselves. Once you have taught, you become a spectator, trusting they will make correct choices. Your priorities, when it comes to things of the world, will become important to them. I recall nights while growing up that my parents faithfully attended the temple.  All my siblings were aware that it was their temple night.  Last year my brother made a comment about his own temple commitment.   “How could I not know that it is important…It was important to Mom and Dad; is important to me.”  The old saying is true…we do become our parents… but add the phrase… our children become us.  Where are our own priorities? More importantly to consider, do your children know what they are?

With everything good the Lord has given us, the adversary has a confusing counterfeit plan to lead us away from our eternal blessing. There really are two Gods of this world: a false one who forsakes us after our choices have taken us away from truth causing emptiness and hollowness.  The other God of this world is there to help us make correct choices for the right reasons.  Eternal blessing will come when talents, attitudes and actions are focused on eternal pursuits. 

The Dependable Ones

I wish we could all be sitting in a huge arena and share our motherhood tales with each other. I know everyone would enjoy hearing similar experiences and it would prove to us that we are all more alike than different regarding our thoughts and feelings about being a Mom. I had an epiphany the other day that I have to share with you, but first I need to give some background. One of my motherhood dilemmas while raising children has been different from those frequently talked about in general conference addresses giving comfort and advice for parents of wayward children.  Though by no means perfect, my children have always stayed close to the Church so my dilemma deals with encouraging them to remain examples of righteousness and obedience. It has always been entertaining to hear my children relate the fun stories of scout campouts and listen to the adventures of misbehavior. A list of who played what pranks on the unsuspecting scout or scout master. I also find it interesting at eagle courts of honor everyone reminisces about those stories, savoring every detail. Sadly, I had one of my sons say to me how he wished he could get the attention that his misbehaving peer received and that it would be fun to have stories told about him that everyone loved to hear.  Sometimes I personally feel we reward bad actions simply by our attention of them. This is an example of what I call the Brother of the Prodigal Son Syndrome.  We reward bad behavior with attention while good behavior remains unnoticed and often without compliment.

How can we deal with the feelings of the dependable child, the one who is inherently good and obedient?  When a child is developing into an adult they don’t comprehend the full picture, neither can they see the rewards obtained by being obedient.  All they understand is their misbehaving friends getting the attention from the adults, regardless of the negative reason for which the attention was given…sad to say, but true. Shepherds should be aware of their entire flock…even those who appear to have few needs. The prodigal son’s good behavior never goes unnoticed, their birthdays and advancements are never forgotten, trips to the ice cream store always take place and their well being takes up the majority of the adult leadership meetings while the dependable “brother of the prodigal son” who is always where he should be and will always there to fall back on, receives little or no focus or attention.  The awareness of this dependability and obedience by a leader is not always the reward an obedient child needs or wants. As an adult that would sufficient, but as a child it is lacking because they also need time and attention.  They just don’t demand it through misbehavior.

This topic has been addressed several times in our home over the years and as a mother all I could do was reinforce their goodness and obedience with my praise.  My epiphany came just the other day as I witnessed my son’s understanding of this concept during a follow-up meeting after an event.  My child’s name was inadvertently left off the list honoring participants who had made the event successful.  As our eyes met I knew he was painfully aware of the error.  I winked at him and could see he was reading my thoughts… “It’s OK, don’t worry about it.”  Towards the end of the meeting another list was read announcing new assignments for individuals.  While reading the names, the adult leader stopped when he came to my son’s name, paused for a moment and then said, “I know him well. He will do a great job for you!”  I again glanced at my son and by the pleased expression on his face I knew that he finally understood and felt the rewards of being obedient and dependable..

Those few words brought euphoria and pulled all these years of encouragement together.  For all you dependable, wonderful, “be where you need to be”, “do what is right always” children, the day will come when our Savior will announce to the multitudes, “I know him well and he will do a great job!”  If our Savior can say to thief who was on the cross next to him, “You will be with me today in Paradise,” a glorious, peaceful place of honor, how much more glorious will our rewards be if we are always doing what is right and good? 

Temporal vs Eternal

My daughter related an event that happens weekly at her college dorm complex. At one of the male halls the guys all meet together Sunday evening (no girls allowed) and share their week’s experiences with each other.  Though these experiences involve all aspects of college life, most focus on dating and interaction with the girls.  After hearing all the stories the guys then cast their votes for the coveted two awards, “Stud of the Week” and “Dud of the Week”.  The two so endowed are besieged with cheers and congratulatory remarks.  The privileged individuals hold the coveted titles until the following week’s meeting. The boys proudly announce the outcome to all girls willing to listen.

As females are excluded, the girls had an innate curiosity to discover what stories were being recounted.  So one Sunday afternoon they secretively placed a tape recorder in the assembly room behind an object the guys would never think of moving… a vacuum.  After listening to the retrieved tape, my daughter telephoned and we discussed the event in more detail than I can write here.  She expressed disappointment because the true characters of several young men were revealed. Her first impression of these guys had been very positive but upon discovering their inner thoughts and feelings, which they so willingly shared with the guys, she realized that a handsome face or pleasant smile is only superficial. These three experiences that follow were the bits and pieces of our conversation after her revelation.

1.  A classic truth was written in the book A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle.  Paraphrasing one thought contained therein is that everything you see is temporal but the things you can not see are eternal. The advice admonishes one not to focus on someone’s outer appearance but to see through to their eternal characteristics that really make them the person who they are. This concept hits home as we get older and experience the aging process.  That cheerleader in high school will lose her bounce and the football hero will get a regular “8 to 5” job.  Our physical is so temporal.

2.  At a recent high school graduation I looked at the faces of those young students and marveled at how much life they had.  They were all so handsome and cute; every student was glowing.  I looked around the auditorium to see if I could match up the child with their parent seated in the audience. I only saw people who had aged from when they too sat at their own high school graduation. I could not match anyone because life changes our appearance. Later that same day I ran into someone that I had known several years ago.  I hardly recognized her but when she started speaking the same kind, warm person that I had known previously was before me. Those unseen, eternal attributes were still there.

3.  I was at a restaurant with my returned missionary son and his friend one day and our waitress was hovering over us.  She was giving the boys all of her attention.  They even commented on how cute she was.  As the meal progressed, this waitress spent extra time talking with us, but her conversation revealed her immaturity and unkind inner feelings. Comments about the activities after work and negative remarks about her fellow workers soon made the boys disregard any impressions about her attractiveness they first saw.  If only she knew the damage she was doing to herself.  Her words were revealing her undesirable inner self.  Suddenly she went from very cute to… “Let’s hurry and leave”… in a matter of thirty minutes. What a teaching moment that was for me.

In judging others we sometimes look outwardly first but often this first impression gets us in trouble if we concentrate only on what is skin deep. We bestow honor, praise or leadership to someone who appears totally wonderful on the outside only to discover later that the person on the inside needs improvement. Yet here we are letting them lead us or admiring them for only what we saw at a first glance and our first impressions.

Our characteristics and inner strengths are attributes not seen at first, yet this is really the person we are.  Can we teach our children to look on the inside of others to find true friends?  Yes, I feel we can.  We can do this by example in watching our own judgments of others and developing our own inner self, and stressing that same development to our children.  I remember the line… “The older I get the better I was”…which I think is funny, but it actually should be, “The older I get the better I become.”  How many times could I have personally made better choices in my life if I had looked more closely for the eternal rather than the temporal?  Guide your children by helping them become aware of eternal attributes to seek after and follow.

As far as the awards given in the college dorm…practical lessons have been learned!  First, be glad that you were not the subject of the experiences being told by the guys.  Second, live a life that will never get you on their story list and third, see beyond how cute or hot someone may be when judging the quality of the person, their true eternal self is hidden deep within… judge them not by what they wear or how they look because cloths fade and get worn out and age changes even the most beautiful.