Visualizing the Future

I usually write advice about relationships with your children and how to improve and motivate them to be better but this article is a little different. I have learned recently through basketball, of all things, one of life’s greatest secrets of success that I have to pass on to you… no pun intended.

I love watching basketball and with one of our sons working for the Phoenix Suns I find pleasure in watching their games. It keeps me connected with him and his life as we discuss the team players and his job. I especially love watching Steve Nash, the Suns’ point guard. He is the first player in NBA (National Basketball Association) history to shoot 50% from the field, over 40% from three-point range and over 90% from the free-throw line in three different seasons. He currently leads the NBA in free throw percentage at an amazing 94.1%. He has great understanding of the game and is always surprising me with his foresight in the plays he makes. Totally unselfish on the court he is one of the best team players I’ve seen.

During a recent game, thanks to technology, sports commentators aired several shots of Steve Nash in slow motion magnifying his uncanny omniscience on the court. As he is running down the court and a teammate passes him the ball he has the ability to 1) see the ball being passed to him, 2) anticipating exactly when to catch it but most amazing 3) he takes his eyes off the ball and looks ahead up court to see which team member he can in turn pass the ball to. In slow motion it became obvious he has a knack to anticipate exactly where to place his hands to catch the ball while his head and eyes are focused elsewhere down court anticipating his next move. Several different slow motion shots of Steve Nash repeatedly demonstrated his moves. On the court he has the gift to anticipate what is coming, react to the present and visualize the future! There it is… life’s secret formula for success in twelve short words. Now… how do we gain that ability and apply this concept into our own lives?

If we could acquire that same ability it would help every situation our families and we face in life. In reality it is exactly what we are having this earthly experience to learn. We just all learn it in different ways. Some learn it early; others never understand it yet the concept is essential for our development as eternal beings. The scriptures actually teach this concept as we read about all the different personalities in the scriptures and read advice and admonitions given to us through the words of past prophets.

We live in times where problems we encounter may be economic trials, relationships within families or challenges with our children. We would handle all differently if we applied this principle of visualizing the future. How many of us have said or will someday say… “I wish I knew then what I know now!” Life’s situations could be handled better if we all could apply this secret of success in our game plan against the challenges that come our way. The ability to understand this principle, comprehend it and apply it into our life is choice… it is up to us to develop and use these skills.

My thoughts on this topic came full circle when my daughter-in-law called me the other day remarking that her four sons are in youth basketball this winter season. As she was relating to me the weekly practice schedules and games on Saturday I smiled as I sympathized and remembered those busy times in my own life. My advice was to go full steam ahead. Sports and what is learned from team play is wonderful if, like all activities outside of the home, they as parents stay involved and reinforce the good and soften the hardness their child will experience. Listen to what is being taught to your child and apply sports principles… yes, I mean sports principles… to gospel principles that will strengthen their eternal characteristics.

Time Out for MOM

My daughters-in-law and daughter amaze me with their untiring attitude toward their workloads. They do children 24-7 without complaining… not to me anyway. As I talk to them on the phone and hear the noise in the background of children just being children I admire and love them for the mothers that they are. The thought I would like to give you all this Mother’s day is the knowledge that these days will not last for very long so love the time you are in.

I remember several years ago when I was in the height of child rearing we went to a company dinner at my husband’s work. We sat across the table from one of his coworkers, a career woman who had earned well over six digits that year in commissions. But with three unsuccessful marriages and currently single it wasn’t surprising that her only daughter had problems with drugs and self-esteem. Everyone rallied around her giving advice to help with her daughter. It was also well know that my husband and I had a large family and that I was “just” a stay-at-home mom. In the course of making conversation she turned to me and said, “And what are you going to do for yourself this coming year?” Instantly my life flashed before me…one in college, two in high school, one in junior high school, two in elementary, one in kindergarten and a toddler. That did not include my business, a church calling and school committees that I headed, let alone piano and singing lessons or the soccer and baseball teams I taxied my children to. My response to her, and the only work that came to my mind was… “Survive!” I could see her thinking, “Really, what does a stay-at-home mom do all day?” I knew she had no concept of my life. She had no clue that I hadn’t been alone in the bathroom for years.

At the time this experience hurt because I sensed her disapproval and condescension. She obviously placed me on the bottom end of her value scale. Today I find humor in her reaction. I love the rewards that have resulted because of the heavy workload. I would not trade her salary for what I have today. It was also during this time of being so busy with everyone else that I discovered the value of time out for me. Not in a selfish way but in a rejuvenation-of-self way. When life got so full and I found myself being short with the children I knew it was time to take a break. I learned the value of self-development and enrichment. I once asked my husband if he could arrange his schedule to watch the children on night a week so I could to an oil painting class. He was always great to help me like this and even encouraged me to expand my knowledge but he questioned the cost of each lesson because things were sometimes tight. In my way to get around the cost I made the comment… “Well, it’s cheaper than a psychiatrist.” When put in that perspective there was no arguing the point. I took my lessons and a whole new world opened up, not only to me but also for my children. They took an interest in what I was doing and the real sharing began. They saw me learning just as I encouraged them to do. I saw the value of time out as a way to improve my family.
Time out can be taken in many different ways, but the first and most important way, in my opinion, is to stay spiritually in tune. Also, reading your scriptures, saying your prayers and going to the temple. Just put the gospel first on your time out list. I have found that you are better able to cope as a mother and wife when you have the spirit. It not only reminds you of what is important in life but also enables you to receive the revelation needed on a daily basis. It also gives you the peace and serenity that is so needed as a mother.

Setting personal goals keeps you progressing. Take a class, read a book, make a craft, anything that allows you to see results from your work. This validates your creativity when you can see immediate results from accomplishments. Rewards from being a mom do not come daily. Trophies are not passed out for diaper changing. Seeing results from your time out help you get through the days when no rewards are seen. Houses only get messy again and another meal is just a few hours away. The goals set and hobbies learned will only benefit your home.

Take advantage of your community. Visit places together with your children and bring another family along. The adult conversation goes a long way as you talk about your children and topics outside your home. Every community has parks, museums, libraries and places to take your children. Take advantage of these activities. Use these outings to stay physically active which will help you keep a positive outlook on life.

Fill your life with really happenings. Stay away from fluffy TV programs and books that give you an unrealistic view on life, motherhood and marriage. They do not uplift and edify your spirit. Make your life real by giving service to others. Go the extra mile on your church callings. I know of one young mother that in her spare time, when her children are napping, does extraction work for her ward. It gives her a way to keep her computer skills up, learn more about another country feel great about doing something in the genealogical area plus it gives her a topic to speak on other than her own children. Stay on top of what is happening in current events. Rise above the daily routine both mentally and spiritually. This will prove to be your breathing space when you need it.

Most importantly, don’t think of motherhood as a burden. None other than you, not anyone else, places unrealistic expectations of how you should be upon yourself. Just enjoy these days of being so busy when life is not your own. The rewards will be there. That alone time in the bathroom really will come again. I would not trade a six-digit salary for my family. You can’t put a price on love and the rewards that children can bring.

Walk the Talk

The other day at work I had a young mother approach me about her family.  Some of her siblings were not active in the Church and had made decisions that were leading them further and further away from gospel principles. Her heart was breaking as she watched them making choices that took them away from the gospel and what she knew to be important. They had all joined the Church as a young family when she was just a little girl and were active off and on during her growing up years.  She asked me for advice on something that would motivate them to get back on track.  I knew she desired a magic solution or event that would demonstrate to her siblings how wrong their choices are and would cause them to return back to living the gospel. 

I listened to her and could empathize with her sorrow.  I watched her two small children holding onto her skirt while teasing each other.  This scene, as they looked up at their mother with innocence, reminded me of a Rockwell painting!  How could I explain that in life and the maturing process comes the realization that the family you grew up in has passed to some extent?  The magical solution she wants for the family she was raised in now needs to transfer to her husband and children that she is raising and teaching. The solution isn’t magical at all. She must realize that life is not one event but a process involving rules, habits and events of consistent daily living and walking the talk of gospel living.

I do not have a doctorate degree in raising children but I have learned by watching and by example.  I know the value of having Family Home Evening even before the Church wrote the FHE manual. I remember my feelings when I heard my father say in a tithing settlement that he was a full tithe payer. I remember the great times we had as siblings when my parents were at the temple each month and also the family prayers each morning as we knelt by the kitchen table as we began our day.  I have often wondered what happens to a child when they live with inconsistency and a double standard that parents can sometimes have. 

I know that my parents did not watch R rated movies after the children were in bed.  They did not teach us to be honest and then cheat in their business dealings. We knew that Sunday was the Sabbath and used it as quiet family time.  My parents always had callings and we talked about gospel topics in our home.  Our home was a place of peace, trust and safety insulated from worldly influences. When associating with friends who suggested something contrary to what I knew was correct I was given permission to say, “My parents are mean and they won’t let me!” That phrase was my best excuse to stay on track.  My parents were examples of consistency in “walking the talk.”  I’ve learned that children learn more by what is done rather than what is said. Life is a process of many events not just one magical moment.

There is wisdom in following the words and admonitions that the gospel suggests. In The Parents Guide: Principles for Teaching Children it states, “The scriptures tell us that God ‘is the same … yesterday, today, and forever’ (D&C 20:12). Our Heavenly Father’s undeviating truth in word and deed permitted the Savior to trust his Father’s teachings and submit to the will of his Father. Similarly, our children will be more likely to believe our teachings and follow our examples if we strive to be consistent.”

Being an example and loving unconditionally is what this young mother can do for her siblings and parents but her children are like a blank canvas ready to be painted.  Her influence there is limitless by her example, love, kindness and consistency in living the gospel and applying those principles into their lives and home environment.  There is power in example by “Walking the Talk,” and joy in its rewards.

Talent Scouts

I was listening to a radio talk host the other day who was emphasizing that all men are created equal… but after having eight children I have the experience to differ with his opinion.  We all should have equal rights under our laws but I have come to appreciate that we are not equal in our abilities, talents and drive. It is those differences that make our world interesting. We are all individually unique.  Can you imagine how unappreciative we would be if we were all Beethovens or Michaelangelos or had the leadership abilities of George Washington?  All of us have different gifts… if no one stood on the sidewalk, who would enjoy the parade? I have come to the conclusion that we are not just mothers, so here is one more description to add to our list of attributes…we are talent scouts as well!

I was reminiscing about a young man I knew.  Some years ago the high school choral teacher opened up her room every lunch hour for students to hang out and play with guitars.  One particular group always came in, known for their low achievement on campus. She became friends with them and, strategizing about the lack of male participation in her choral program, asked them to sing songs with her around the piano while she accompanied.  She played songs they knew and the genre of music that she felt they would relate to. What she discovered was a hidden talent in two of those boys.  Ultimately one became the bass that carried the whole section while the other boy was a first class tenor who now sings in Europe performing at the very best opera houses. Who would have thought?

How many children around us are gifted but have never played a piano or never picked up a paintbrush or have never been given the opportunity to make a speech or take a debate class. What about the child who has the aptitude for playing a harp but has never been close to one or the writer who is not encouraged to compose his feelings on paper. How blessed we are to have the knowledge that we can grow and progress throughout eternity because mortality doesn’t offer enough time or opportunity to explore all avenues of development.

Whenever the parable of the talents is brought up at church or someone talks about talents, either as money or attributes, I can’t help but think, after having been involved with so many personalities, that the Lord has given us all different gifts.  The fun is discovering what talents each child has and then helping them develop and increase those talents.

I think back on my child who lined his shoes up in the closet where everything was neat and in place.  Another was great musically and school was a breeze; one I turned to when I needed a hard physical work done; the contemplative one I made sure had drawing supplies and a journal to write in.  I had one that would talk his way out of any situation and we all believed him! Another one organized all the parties and one who entertained us with jokes and laughter, while the one who drove us all crazy with singing in the shower, was first on my list to take vocal lessons.  Everyone had lessons in music, art and sports ad nauseam and yet it took me several children before I realized that not all excelled at the same pace nor even had an interest in what I thought they needed to learn.  I was only there to give opportunity and direction, not to dictate what I thought they should excel in.

We mothers are talent scouts! Our job is to see qualities in every child we have influence over and encourage that quality into reaching its highest potential. 

Perfect Balance

While watching TV of  the summer Olympic games that took place in China. I enjoyed the bits of information given on Chinese cultural and customs. They mentioned their belief in the Ying Yang principle of balance and harmony that makes life evolve.  I couldn’t help but compare the truth in this concept.     

Wikapedia states: This Symbol (Yin-Yang) represents the ancient Chinese understanding of how things work. The outer circle represents "everything", while the black and white shapes within the circle represent the interaction of two energies, called "yin" (black) and "yang" (white), which cause everything to happen. They cannot exist without each other. The shape of the yin and yang sections of the symbol, actually gives you a sense of the continual movement of these two energies, yin to yang and yang to yin, causing everything to happen: just as things expand and contract, and temperature changes from hot to cold. ''The principle of Yin and Yang is the foundation of the entire universe. It underlies everything in creation. It brings about the development of parenthood. Each of them contains an element or seed of the other, and they cannot exist without each other. There is a small black round in white part and a white one in the black part.  Two parts pass through each other on a line because yin and yang are never separated.

What a timely concept to consider. My friend shared a comment that her son-in-law wrote about his wife on their family blog, “I just wanted to write a couple of words and recognize the world’s greatest woman. She is the most amazing, beautiful, talented, lovable and fantastic woman in the world. When I think about our marriage/relationship, we just fit…perfectly!” That sounds to me like a great example of Yin-Yang. 

Sheri Dew sates: “Satan understands the power of men and women united in righteousness. He is still stinging from his banishment into eternal exile after Michael led the hosts of heaven, comprised of valiant men and women united in the cause of Christ, against him. Satan seeks to confuse us about our stewardships and distinctive natures as men and women. He bombards us with bizarre messages about gender, marriage, family, and all male-female relationships. He would have us believe men and women are so alike that our unique gifts are not necessary, or so different we can never hope to understand each other. Neither is true.

Our Father knew exactly what He was doing when He created us. He made us enough alike to love each other, but enough different that we would need to unite our strengths and stewardships to create a whole. Neither man nor woman is perfect or complete without the other.” (Liahona, January 2002)

I remember my mother telling me that every family needed a boy and a girl to get the full impact of parenthood because with each gender comes a full array of different emotions and experiences.  My oldest son who has five boys lives in a very masculine driven home yet his wife does a great job letting their sons feel her feminine influence.  I once heard it said that without the characteristics of the nurturing and nesting traits of a wife and mother men would be existing like a life long boy scout outing…but can you imagine the hot bed of emotions if we lived in a world of femininity all the time?  There is a perfect balance that comes with both genders working together and a harmony that comes with it. A perfect Ying-Yang example.