He Looketh Upon the Heart

In the pre-mortal world I know I stood in the line that read, “No Camping Required.” Next I hunted for the line that read traveling would be “on the planes” not “on the plains.” I got what I wanted too. Here I am with modern plumbing and travel across the country in only hours, not months. What I didn’t bargain for was inappropriate forms of entertainment, questionable music and media, and television that would have such a strong pull on my family. I always assumed that virtual reality was just everyday living but I’ve learned after seeing s few episodes of certain TV shows that are virtual “non-reality.” The show what fits this to the tee is Extreme Makeover. It is a full-out-war trying to mold the way we think about our appearance and ourselves. It purports that true happiness can only be achieved if we meet its standard of beauty, with testimonials to prove it. The innocent subtlety of all this began in the 50’s when the Barbie doll first hit the store shelves. Little girls grew up thinking that Barbie should be the image of how to look and it has been a self-perpetuating perception ever since. I personally like the Renaissance art period…not that is reality.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t look nice. On the contrary, I feel one of the most important things you can teach your daughters are attractive grooming so they radiate their best. I just don’t feel that best is what the worldviews as best. I read an article that stated last year’s number one most requested graduation gift by young women was some form of plastic surgery. This tells me that young women today have a lack of confidence about who they are. One day my daughter brought up the topic of the reality show Extreme Makeover because everyone at school was talking about it. She made this comment, “Well Mom, after they have all the surgery to make themselves look good on the outside they are still the same on the inside.” Needless to say her comments lead into a great gospel discussion that I hope reaffirmed her wise insight.

The world judges from the outside but the Lord looketh upon the heart. How in this day with so many outside visual influences can we help our daughters understand the Lord’s view? Here are just a few points that I think are worth to consider. Please add your own thought to this list.

* Don’t personally get caught up with the world’s opinion on fashion and how you should look. Examples speak louder than anything you could say.
* Accept your daughter for what she is and don’t accept or encourage her to look like the girls in the media.
* Be her friend and cultivate in her interests in other areas such as art, books, travel, good music, sports or hobbies that you can do together. These activities will give her a deeper outlook and appreciation on life rather than just the superficial.
* Help build self-confidence by allowing her to make more of life’s choices. Remind her that through prayer and scripture study correct choices can be made.
* Teach her the value of true friendship. Encourage her to seek out friends she accept her as she is and build her up. Qualities that she has leaned in Young Women should be her guide: integrity, knowledge, good works, etc.
* Ask her opinion and advice, letting her know you value her thoughts. Tell her when she does something that impresses you or when you are pleased with her.
* Encourage her to develop the soft side of being feminine and help her understand the qualities of compassion, love, kindness, service and to follow her spiritual intuition.
* No success compares to your own success when trying to build confidence. Let her achieve and feel the gratification of doing well and making correct choices. Praises her achievements and create opportunities for her in which to have success.

Notice that none of the above points mentioned how to wear make-up or how to stay in style. Modesty and the radiance of having the spirit are always in style. True beauty comes from within. The person inside is the real you and I am becoming more aware of this every year as my outside looks change and settle as time passes. A comment I heard from an 80 old women that other day as she was talking about the effects of ageing was… “Well, I’m beautiful on the inside and that is really all that matters!” What an example that is… now that is not only truth, but reality.

In an address given by President Hinckley (Ensign, May 2001), How Can I Become the Woman of Whom I Dream? He doesn’t once mention how a young woman should look but instead focuses on how she should radiate. There is a big contrast between these concepts.

I have often wondered if just maybe the “Camping Required” line would have been easier to handle after all… These times are hard to raise a family in with all the outside influences that tug at our children but I have come to realize that the Lord has not left us alone. He did not send us here to fail. He has given us the direction needed to succeed in this adventure of motherhood. We have the ability to stand strong while using these resources just as our sister did in the past with their challenges in crossing the plains.

The God of This World

The other day I overheard some teenage girls commenting about a flashy sports car driven by a young man. That car definitely attracted the girls’ attention! As girls do they started commenting about how lucky they would be if only he would notice them…I smiled to myself and thought, “Maybe you should visualize that boy driving a car he could afford himself …instead of the one his dad bought.” Later while pondering this incident a past Relief Society lesson popped into my mind.  Wilford Woodruff admonished, “When the daughters of Zion are asked by the young men to join with them in marriage, instead of asking… Has this man a fine brick house? a span of fine horses and a fine carriage? They should ask…Is he a man of God? Has he the Spirit of God with him? Is he a Latter-day Saint? Does he pray? Has he got the Spirit upon him to qualify him to build up the kingdom? If he has that…never mind the carriage and brick house.”  I felt reprimanded by the prophet’s words because I too focused on the car.

A test of this generation is to be in the world while maintaining an eternal perspective when making decisions and selecting choices.  It is difficult to be surrounded by people so focused on worldliness and not put importance on such things as well. This flashy sports car experience made me think that at all ages these choices are present for us to make.  It may not be carriages or brick houses but we all have temporal thoughts and desires that don’t assist us in eternal growth.  Time spent in worldly pursuits and pleasures rob us of the time and energy available for self improvement and eternal growth. How does one begin to keep this focus? Here are a few suggestions that my children came up with.

Don’t judge yourself against worldly values…As I watch the young mothers of today sacrificing “things” to stay at home with their families I gain from their examples.  It isn’t easy staying home with children all day.  In fact, I feel motherhood is the hardest job of the two roles in marriage.  Rewards do not instantly come when a family is small. Only in hindsight will it be confirmed that a stay-at-home mom is eternally the best choice to make.   Don’t feel that everyone but you lives in a “Martha Stewart world” where everything matches and your home is in pristine condition.  The clutter of toys, laughter and cries of children and non-matching place settings at the table are all evidence of the right choice made in your life.  So look at them as positives, not negatives to pine over. 

Put your priorities as a family on eternal things… Planning Young Women meetings with a purpose has taught me the value of planning with the end in mind.  Plan family activities that have meaning and purpose. Choose activities in your home, family trips and outings with a gospel strengthening motive.  Make your home, “not of this world”, but provide the sweetness of eternal things through uplifting visual entertainment and music, home décor and topics of conversations gospel centered.  Several sisters went to lunch the other day and the topic of conversation drifted to the homes in which we were raised.  I was amazed that almost without exception everyone could describe in great detail their childhood homes, remembering such things as the smell of cookies and pictures hanging on walls.  My children will never remember the smell of baking cookies but hopefully they will remember the gospel-centered pictures in our home.  

Teach your family to follow the spirit’s guidance in their choices; then trust their choices… A child learns fastest through your example.  They will watch you and listen to your stories of how the spirit guides and touches your life.  A small child needs you to point out how the spirit works in their own life and as they grow older they will be able to feel it themselves. Once you have taught, you become a spectator, trusting they will make correct choices. Your priorities, when it comes to things of the world, will become important to them. I recall nights while growing up that my parents faithfully attended the temple.  All my siblings were aware that it was their temple night.  Last year my brother made a comment about his own temple commitment.   “How could I not know that it is important…It was important to Mom and Dad; is important to me.”  The old saying is true…we do become our parents… but add the phrase… our children become us.  Where are our own priorities? More importantly to consider, do your children know what they are?

With everything good the Lord has given us, the adversary has a confusing counterfeit plan to lead us away from our eternal blessing. There really are two Gods of this world: a false one who forsakes us after our choices have taken us away from truth causing emptiness and hollowness.  The other God of this world is there to help us make correct choices for the right reasons.  Eternal blessing will come when talents, attitudes and actions are focused on eternal pursuits. 

Temporal vs Eternal

My daughter related an event that happens weekly at her college dorm complex. At one of the male halls the guys all meet together Sunday evening (no girls allowed) and share their week’s experiences with each other.  Though these experiences involve all aspects of college life, most focus on dating and interaction with the girls.  After hearing all the stories the guys then cast their votes for the coveted two awards, “Stud of the Week” and “Dud of the Week”.  The two so endowed are besieged with cheers and congratulatory remarks.  The privileged individuals hold the coveted titles until the following week’s meeting. The boys proudly announce the outcome to all girls willing to listen.

As females are excluded, the girls had an innate curiosity to discover what stories were being recounted.  So one Sunday afternoon they secretively placed a tape recorder in the assembly room behind an object the guys would never think of moving… a vacuum.  After listening to the retrieved tape, my daughter telephoned and we discussed the event in more detail than I can write here.  She expressed disappointment because the true characters of several young men were revealed. Her first impression of these guys had been very positive but upon discovering their inner thoughts and feelings, which they so willingly shared with the guys, she realized that a handsome face or pleasant smile is only superficial. These three experiences that follow were the bits and pieces of our conversation after her revelation.

1.  A classic truth was written in the book A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle.  Paraphrasing one thought contained therein is that everything you see is temporal but the things you can not see are eternal. The advice admonishes one not to focus on someone’s outer appearance but to see through to their eternal characteristics that really make them the person who they are. This concept hits home as we get older and experience the aging process.  That cheerleader in high school will lose her bounce and the football hero will get a regular “8 to 5” job.  Our physical is so temporal.

2.  At a recent high school graduation I looked at the faces of those young students and marveled at how much life they had.  They were all so handsome and cute; every student was glowing.  I looked around the auditorium to see if I could match up the child with their parent seated in the audience. I only saw people who had aged from when they too sat at their own high school graduation. I could not match anyone because life changes our appearance. Later that same day I ran into someone that I had known several years ago.  I hardly recognized her but when she started speaking the same kind, warm person that I had known previously was before me. Those unseen, eternal attributes were still there.

3.  I was at a restaurant with my returned missionary son and his friend one day and our waitress was hovering over us.  She was giving the boys all of her attention.  They even commented on how cute she was.  As the meal progressed, this waitress spent extra time talking with us, but her conversation revealed her immaturity and unkind inner feelings. Comments about the activities after work and negative remarks about her fellow workers soon made the boys disregard any impressions about her attractiveness they first saw.  If only she knew the damage she was doing to herself.  Her words were revealing her undesirable inner self.  Suddenly she went from very cute to… “Let’s hurry and leave”… in a matter of thirty minutes. What a teaching moment that was for me.

In judging others we sometimes look outwardly first but often this first impression gets us in trouble if we concentrate only on what is skin deep. We bestow honor, praise or leadership to someone who appears totally wonderful on the outside only to discover later that the person on the inside needs improvement. Yet here we are letting them lead us or admiring them for only what we saw at a first glance and our first impressions.

Our characteristics and inner strengths are attributes not seen at first, yet this is really the person we are.  Can we teach our children to look on the inside of others to find true friends?  Yes, I feel we can.  We can do this by example in watching our own judgments of others and developing our own inner self, and stressing that same development to our children.  I remember the line… “The older I get the better I was”…which I think is funny, but it actually should be, “The older I get the better I become.”  How many times could I have personally made better choices in my life if I had looked more closely for the eternal rather than the temporal?  Guide your children by helping them become aware of eternal attributes to seek after and follow.

As far as the awards given in the college dorm…practical lessons have been learned!  First, be glad that you were not the subject of the experiences being told by the guys.  Second, live a life that will never get you on their story list and third, see beyond how cute or hot someone may be when judging the quality of the person, their true eternal self is hidden deep within… judge them not by what they wear or how they look because cloths fade and get worn out and age changes even the most beautiful.