Positive Self-Talk

Our older children often joke about “emotional scars” they received during their growing up years in our home. Whenever we get together they enjoy reminiscing about their memories and poking fun at our parenting. I just hope, deep down, that I have been able to raise my children to adulthood without too much trauma to their personalities. The only scar to which I’ll admit taking blame for is the male pattern baldness gene that they got from my Grandmother’s father which really is so far removed from me that it shouldn’t matter. Nevertheless, we all need to blame our faults on someone so my broad shoulders will bear the burden. Each time baldness is brought up I do remind my sons that they all had a full head of hair until they left home.

Seriously, one scar that I never wanted my children to have was low self-esteem. I have seen the abuse given to some children as their mother belittled and humiliated them in public. My heart would ache as I wished I could take those children home with me and love them. I never wanted my children to feel that kind of humiliation.

Each child’s personality is so different and it is often a difficult struggle to find out what positive reinforcement approach works. No matter what I did some of my children still had struggles developing a good self-image. I wonder if this is more the rule than the exception in their path to adulthood. Being noticed in a positive way brings a sense of reward and gratification and aids in self-perception. The road to good self-esteem is an individual journey with both cheering and jeering from the sidelines. The important point is to protect against those negative comments coming from the sidelines while helping them internalize the positive ones.

I read a great book several years ago that helped me to understand this concept. The title is, What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, by Shad Helmstetter. I would highly recommend this book if you have a child with self-defeating behavioral patterns. The main concept of the book promotes replacing the many negative thought you tell yourself each day and changing them in positive thoughts. For example, don’t say,
“Today was a rough day.” Change your thoughts to see the day as, “So many good things happened today.”

A secret I learned long ago is, “Tell your child that he is what you want him to become.” For instance, “John, you are such a kind young man,” or, “Annie, I love the way you show wisdom in the decisions your make.” The more they think about your comments the more those positive reinforcement will affect whom they become. With so much negative out there we as mother need to be the positive force behind their self-image. Self-confidence is produced just as it is stated… SELF… A child becomes what they are told they are and what they tell themselves they are. It doesn’t take a Doctorate in Child Development to come to this conclusion or to help your child overcome self-doubt. It takes love, patience and a lot of positive reinforcement.
Once when reading in Isaiah, verse 61:3 the phrase “the garment of praise” caught my attention causing me to ponder and reflect on its meaning. As mothers we make sure our children are properly clothed and fed, taught personal hygiene, and that they learn proper manners and etiquette so society will accept them. But what about clothing them with daily praise as they live in your home so they will accept themselves? As they learn to accept who they are the approval of their peers becomes less and less important and they become more self-confidence rather than peer-confident.

Years ago I read a study that revealed when a child leaves home for the day he receives at least five negative comments about himself from other people before the first recess at school. How important is it that we reinforce their positive image at home? Very important! No one really cares about your child with the same interest or intensity as his or her mother. Only rarely do you find a teacher or friend who has the same concern about your child as you do. You are the one who cheers the loudest from the sideline on his journey to self-confidence. It is your voice he hears the loudest.

If you listen to your children you can tell how they feel about themselves. They will give you both negative and positive feedback clues. How many times have you heard some of these comments, “I didn’t have any friends to play with today,” or “I had the best time at recess,” or “My classes are too hare,” or “My teacher told me today that I read very well.” These statements reflect their inner self-perceptions allowing you, their mother, to gauge their self-image.

As they grow older the nature of their comments change but not their subtle meaning. They are telling you how they feel the world sees them and also how they perceive themselves as an individual. We need to listen and help them sift through all the comments they hear and teach them to eliminate the negative and internalize the positive. Internalizing everyone’s comments throughout his life your child starts to tell himself who he is and those thoughts make him the person he really becomes.

Hopefully, your child grown to adulthood will be able to look at his thinning hairline and realize that one’s character is not judged by the thickness of their hair. This will mean that self-confidence has truly been achieved.

Success As A Mother

When my birthday approached as my children were growing up they would ask what present they could get me. My response was always the same, “I want a clean, quiet house.” With eight children all living active, busy and often noisy lives that was the greatest gift I could desire. As my most recent birthday approached a month ago I received a note from one of my married sons. He told me that since his room was already clean and that he wasn’t around to be either noisy or quiet he would have to settle with telling me what a great mom I have been. I was very touched because not just ten minutes earlier I had been questioning my abilities as a mother, grandmother and mother-in-law. I do not know why we women are so hard on ourselves but we are. Such negative introspection just seems to be built in our make-up. It is as if we carry this backpack full of guilt and thoughts on why we aren’t as good as someone else. I’m starting to realize that motherhood is an imperfect science. There are too many variables that enter in and too many different personalities and situations in child rearing that can influence and alter the results you desire. That “agency” factor comes into play too many times.

I read an article the other day that gave me great insight and I would like to pass on this bit of information. Written by Howard W. Hunter in the November 1983 Ensign he provided counsel on being a parent in the world. I find that truth does not need a date to be pertinent. “A successful parent is one who has loved, one who has sacrificed, and one who has cared for, taught and ministered to the needs of a child. If you have done all of these and your child is still wayward or troublesome or worldly, it could well be that you are, nevertheless, a successful parent. Perhaps there are children who have come into the world that would challenge any set of parents under any set of circumstances. Likewise, perhaps there are others who would bless the lives of and be a joy to almost any father or mother.”

These words give me comfort for several reasons. It helps to explain the variables that exist while raising a child and helps me realize that the measurement of success is not in the worldly honors, fame or glory that your child earns or even the callings they receive in the Church. Success is simply the ability to love.

Several years ago I saw a sign posted in a dentist office that I have often reflected upon. It stated, “The only things you owe your child are: 1. A religious upbringing; 2. An education; 3. Straighten their teeth.” I have found that to be true. Our responsibility as a mother is not in your child’s success but in their foundation. They choose what is built upon that foundation. The teachings of the gospel give them an understanding of eternal principles and laws; an education enables them an understanding of life, preparation to provide for themselves and others and to give back to society; and straight teeth provides oneself a positive self-esteem and confidence. Together they afford a child the ability to achieve and strive for higher goals.

My house is clean and much quieter than it used to be. My children come home far too infrequently, just for visits. The foundations have been formed. Now is the time to watch and enjoy the structures that are built on those foundations.

The Ball Is In Your Court

I remember the number of games I attended each week with 6 boys playing sports.  Almost every night of the week and every Saturday were filled with practices or games to attend.  I knew I had mentally lost it when I started forgetting which game was where and with whom...I needed a map with a sports schedule attached to keep it all straight. 

Did I enjoy them?  This question became the subject of conversation when the mother of only one son was sitting by me one night on the bleachers. She was going on about how wonderful it was to get out of the house to enjoy a good ball game.  She then asked, “Don’t you just love being here?”  Almost as if a remote control button was pushed I paused that moment in time as thoughts of everything else I could be doing at home ran through my mind.  Instead, here I was sitting at the ball park, a cold wind blowing through me with innings that never seemed to end as boy after boy took their turn at bat.  Just as I was about to answer her question the coach yelled at the umpire and marched   onto the field for a vile face to face confrontation and was immediately asked to leave the game.  This whole scene represented another great example of team spirit and playing with honor as my son witnessed his coach and team leader being kicked out of the game.

To answer her question I could not help but think that after years of watching game after game…sport after sport…the involvement I enjoyed and literally loved was watching my sons play.  I rallied my focus and watched in awe as my child participated, did well and loved his involvement in each sport.  Did I enjoy the games and get involved in each play! The answer is no…I was not there to see the game because I loved it…I came to see my sons play the game because I loved them.  That is the answer.  I can’t say that I am like most mothers.  I’m sure that some of you love every aspect of every sport including those coaches with errant behavior.  Over the years I learned that some games are won and some games are lost but there will always be another game tomorrow.  It truly is how you play the game, not whether you win or lose.  I know those may be fighting words to some but from my perspective, that’s the way I view it.

To me it was not about the game at all…it was about my son who was playing! Games and sports were a way for me to stay close to my sons.  You really can’t take them shopping or out to lunch where you just “bond”.  With a boy you bond on the practice field and the game field watching him, cheering him on, making him think that he is wonderful and a great asset to the team.  It was the after game activity that meant the most to me, driving home reviewing the game as my son eagerly chatted about the experience.  This was more fun than the game itself.  Talking about the different plays of the game or the strategies of the different players and coaches were the bonding moments that made the previous three hour game worthwhile! Were all those years worth it?  That answer is definitely a YES!  Would I do it again? Again, the answer is yes, because those games brought me closer to my sons.  Even today we talk about the different seasons of sports, coaches and plays.  They still remember every great play they ever made and expect me to remember them too.  I don’t, but what is important is they do and still talk to me about it. 

My boys have now outgrown those past seasons of sports and to tell you the truth I don’t miss all those games. My life is without regret in that area. I went to their games and enjoyed being with them.  With the ill twist of fate though I have decided that life is cruel because now that my sons are older, somehow they still do not like to go shopping or go out to lunch.  What is it that they do when they all get together?…They play sports… and if they are not playing a sport they are talking about them. So, what is a mother’s dilemma here?  It comes in thinking of ways to stay bonded with our sons who are still narrow in their extra curricular enrichment activities.  I have come to the conclusion that the ball is in our court though, if I can use that term. We need to get on their playing field, so I’ve come up with a strategy that works. Talk sports with your sons by keeping up on who’s who in the sports trivia world like who is the homerun king, why a coach picked a certain strategy, which team will make the NBA finals or which leg of the race they are on…then after those moments of bonding, take his wife out shopping and to lunch; she is the one who will appreciate it.  See, it is a win-win situation; we really can coach and win this game of motherhood.  It is all in the strategy.

Temporal vs Eternal

My daughter related an event that happens weekly at her college dorm complex. At one of the male halls the guys all meet together Sunday evening (no girls allowed) and share their week’s experiences with each other.  Though these experiences involve all aspects of college life, most focus on dating and interaction with the girls.  After hearing all the stories the guys then cast their votes for the coveted two awards, “Stud of the Week” and “Dud of the Week”.  The two so endowed are besieged with cheers and congratulatory remarks.  The privileged individuals hold the coveted titles until the following week’s meeting. The boys proudly announce the outcome to all girls willing to listen.

As females are excluded, the girls had an innate curiosity to discover what stories were being recounted.  So one Sunday afternoon they secretively placed a tape recorder in the assembly room behind an object the guys would never think of moving… a vacuum.  After listening to the retrieved tape, my daughter telephoned and we discussed the event in more detail than I can write here.  She expressed disappointment because the true characters of several young men were revealed. Her first impression of these guys had been very positive but upon discovering their inner thoughts and feelings, which they so willingly shared with the guys, she realized that a handsome face or pleasant smile is only superficial. These three experiences that follow were the bits and pieces of our conversation after her revelation.

1.  A classic truth was written in the book A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle.  Paraphrasing one thought contained therein is that everything you see is temporal but the things you can not see are eternal. The advice admonishes one not to focus on someone’s outer appearance but to see through to their eternal characteristics that really make them the person who they are. This concept hits home as we get older and experience the aging process.  That cheerleader in high school will lose her bounce and the football hero will get a regular “8 to 5” job.  Our physical is so temporal.

2.  At a recent high school graduation I looked at the faces of those young students and marveled at how much life they had.  They were all so handsome and cute; every student was glowing.  I looked around the auditorium to see if I could match up the child with their parent seated in the audience. I only saw people who had aged from when they too sat at their own high school graduation. I could not match anyone because life changes our appearance. Later that same day I ran into someone that I had known several years ago.  I hardly recognized her but when she started speaking the same kind, warm person that I had known previously was before me. Those unseen, eternal attributes were still there.

3.  I was at a restaurant with my returned missionary son and his friend one day and our waitress was hovering over us.  She was giving the boys all of her attention.  They even commented on how cute she was.  As the meal progressed, this waitress spent extra time talking with us, but her conversation revealed her immaturity and unkind inner feelings. Comments about the activities after work and negative remarks about her fellow workers soon made the boys disregard any impressions about her attractiveness they first saw.  If only she knew the damage she was doing to herself.  Her words were revealing her undesirable inner self.  Suddenly she went from very cute to… “Let’s hurry and leave”… in a matter of thirty minutes. What a teaching moment that was for me.

In judging others we sometimes look outwardly first but often this first impression gets us in trouble if we concentrate only on what is skin deep. We bestow honor, praise or leadership to someone who appears totally wonderful on the outside only to discover later that the person on the inside needs improvement. Yet here we are letting them lead us or admiring them for only what we saw at a first glance and our first impressions.

Our characteristics and inner strengths are attributes not seen at first, yet this is really the person we are.  Can we teach our children to look on the inside of others to find true friends?  Yes, I feel we can.  We can do this by example in watching our own judgments of others and developing our own inner self, and stressing that same development to our children.  I remember the line… “The older I get the better I was”…which I think is funny, but it actually should be, “The older I get the better I become.”  How many times could I have personally made better choices in my life if I had looked more closely for the eternal rather than the temporal?  Guide your children by helping them become aware of eternal attributes to seek after and follow.

As far as the awards given in the college dorm…practical lessons have been learned!  First, be glad that you were not the subject of the experiences being told by the guys.  Second, live a life that will never get you on their story list and third, see beyond how cute or hot someone may be when judging the quality of the person, their true eternal self is hidden deep within… judge them not by what they wear or how they look because cloths fade and get worn out and age changes even the most beautiful.   

Here I Am

My two-year-old grandson has been visiting and while watching him I’m reminded that we all have an innate need to be important.  He knows and loves it when he is the center of our attention and actually plays it up. I am amazed that at such a young age he recognizes how he can command attention from others.  Our individual worth is first recognized with the validation from others who convey the feeling that we are of worth.  This knowledge is the basic ingredient for positive self-esteem. 

My grandson’s behavior is cute as a two-year-old, but as children grow older this self-absorbed behavior becomes an irritant and sometimes quite obnoxious. Self-centeredness is no longer cute as the child grows from baby to teen.  Somewhere along the way a child must overcome the attitude of who I am, and replace it with the attitude of here I am.  Shedding the attitude of being the center of attention (who I am) to the attitude of service to others (here I am).  This change, without drum roll or fanfare, comes softly from “trial and error” experiences.  Children need to recognize their valuable attributes and worth through actions of good behavior. What they give to others is more important than the accolades that are given to them by others.

It is a hard reality when a child first becomes aware that, “I am not as important to others as I think I am.” For example, your teacher ignores you, your name is left off the list, friends leave you out or put you down, you didn’t make a sports team, weren’t accepted into a club or organization or just realizing that the world does not stop when you want it to. We had a growing experience several years ago when one of our sons was overlooked for an award. All the recipients were being recognized but our son was omitted. My mother’s heart ached as I saw the pride of accomplishment of the recipients contrasted by the hurt of my son’s being left out.  We have all experienced this to some degree! Yet through this experience growth took place, as I was able to talk him through it and explain that human error is in all of us.  We talked about being center stage and the short-term happiness that comes from it.  We discussed the, who I am…look at me syndrome…as opposed to the here I am…send me Christ-like characteristic. I watched the transformation come over my son, as he understood this concept.  The here I am feeling put him above the hurt he felt because it is not self-centered.  It reaches out to others.  The sting from being overlooked was soon forgotten while the more important lesson learned of thinking outwardly and serving others will remain forever.

I can’t remember any one thing I did while my children were growing up that helped them overcome self-centered behavior but as I discussed this with my daughter she reminded me of a few things that I did, mainly out of pure survival because of our large family.  Here are just a couple of memories that she brought to my attention. 

Responsibility: I learned quickly that I could not do it all.  Each child had to help with housework and with younger children.  When a new sibling was born the child who was old enough to learn responsibility was given charge of the baby to keep him happy and fulfill his minor needs.  They knew this new baby was theirs to protect and care for.  To this day those bonds of responsibility are still felt with those siblings.  This started them thinking at an early age of someone else, putting another’s needs above their own.

Make opportunities for growth: Youth sports provide the concept of working as a team plus it broke my children in easy to the fact that there were others who could also do well. When my child got frustrated because they were not the best on the team, a gentle reminder came that in life someone is always going to be better, or win the award, or get the position that you wanted. But as their family we only expect them to be the best they could be at whatever they are doing.  Discourage your child from comparing themselves to others because this is never constructive. Have them concentrate on how far they’ve come, not how far they need to go. Teamwork helps a child understand that working together can produce a result that they alone could not achieve.  Team sports help them learn that one must share to obtain the desired goal.  There is no room for selfishness on the playing field.

Provide your child the opportunity to deveop talents: Piano, singing, dance, musical instrument, acting or anything to help their talents develop and encouraging them to share their gifts with others. I discovered a long time ago to surround my children with people who have the skills I did not have.  Our children in a small part are a product of the community in which they are raised. Church programs influence their attitudes and provide opportunities for growth and service. The scouting program and young women program are all about learning service and sharing your talents. 

Example: We have a friend who always is giving service to others.  Every Sunday for several years he picked up a single sister for Church who was in a wheel chair.  When he was out of town his children took over for him.  It has been fun to watch his children grow older…now all in adulthood; they are just like their father.   Our life style of focusing outwardly goes beyond your own actions. It transcends generations.

Ralph Waldo Emerson stated, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” The attitude of not being self-centered is a learned behavior and it lies within us. We are born with the selfish who I am attitude to survive while we are babies but it is the here I am attitude of service that allows us to thrive as adults.     Who I am in the eternal understanding allows us to be the here I am person we should be in the present.  

Hearing What Your Child Says

Our older children often joke about “emotional scars” they received during their growing up years in our home.  Whenever we get together they enjoy reminiscing about their memories and poking fun at our parenting.  I just hope, deep down, that I have been able to raise my children to adulthood without too much trauma to their personalities.  The only scar to which I’ll admit taking blame for is the male pattern baldness gene that they got from my Grandmother’s father which really is so far removed from me that it shouldn’t matter.  Nevertheless, we all need to blame our faults on someone so my broad shoulders will bear that burden.  Every time baldness is brought up I do remind my sons that they all had a full head of hair until they left home.

Seriously, one scar that I never wanted my children to have was low self-esteem.  I’ve seen the abuse inflicted upon some children as their mother belittled and humiliated them in public, My heart would ache as I wished I could take those children home with me and love them.  I never wanted my children to feel that kind of humiliation.

Each child’s personality is so different and is often a difficult struggle to find out what positive reinforcement approach works.  No matter what I did some of my children still had struggles developing a good self-image.  I wonder if this is more the rule than the exception in their path to adulthood.  Being noticed in a positive way brings a sense of reward and gratification and aids in self-perception.  The road to good self-esteem is an individual journey with both cheering and jeering from the sidelines.  The important point is to protect against those negative comments coming from the sidelines and then helping them internalize the positive ones.

I read a great book several years ago that helped me to understand this concept.  The title is, What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter.  I would highly recommend this book if you have a child with self-defeating behavioral patterns.  The main concept of the book promotes replacing the many negative thoughts you tell yourself each day and changing them to positive thoughts.  For example, don’t say, “Today was a rough day.”  Change your thoughts to “So many good things happened today.”

A secret I have learned is…Tell your child he is what you want him to become! For instance, “John, I’m impressed that you have managed your time so wisely today.”  In reality, he may not be very good at his time management skills but he will tell himself, “Mom thinks I manage my time well so I guess I do.”  The more he thinks about this reinforcement and confirms within himself positive thoughts the more he will become aware of his time and mange it better.  I don’t feel this is a “little white lie” but an approach to correct a child’s behavior.  With so much negative out there we as mothers need to be the positive force behind their self-image.  Self-confidence is produced just as it is stated…Self…A child becomes what they are told they are and what they tell themselves they are.  It doesn’t take a doctorate degree in Child Development to come to this conclusion or to help your child overcome self-doubt.  It takes love, patience and a lot of positive reinforcement.

Once reading in Isaiah 61:3 the phrase “the garment of praise” caught my attention causing me to ponder and reflect on its meaning.  As mothers we make sure our children are properly clothed and fed, taught personal hygiene, and that they learn proper manners and etiquette so society will accept them.  But what about clothing them with daily praise as they live in your home so they will accept themselves? As they learn they become more self-confident rather than peer-confident.

Years ago I read a study that revealed when a child leaves home for the day he receives at least five negative comments about himself from other people before the first recess at school.  How important is it that we reinforce their positive image at home?  Very important!  No one really cares about your child with the same interest or intensity as their mother.  Only rarely do you find a teacher or friend who has the same concern about your child as you do.  You are the one who cheers the loudest from that sideline on his journey to self-confidence.  It is your voice he hears the loudest.

If you listen to your children you can tell how they feel about themselves.  They will give you both negative and positive feedback clues.  How many times have you heard some of these comments?  “I didn’t have any fiends to play with today.” Or “I had the best time at recess.” or “My classes are to hard.” or “My teacher told me today that I read very well.”  These statements and others like them, reflect their inner self-perception allowing you, their mother, to gauge their self-image.

As they grow older the nature of their comments change but not their subtle meaning.  They are telling you how they feel the world sees them and also how they perceive themselves as an individual.  We need to listen and help them sift though all the comments they hear and teach them to eliminate the negative and internalize the positive.  Internalizing everyone’s comments thought-out his life your child starts to tell himself who he is and those thought make him the persona he really becomes.

Hopefully, your child grown to adulthood will be able to look at his thinning hairline and realize that one’s character is not judged by the thickness of hair.  This will mean that self-confidence has truly been achieved.

Confidence in Being Alone

I remember several years ago one of my children came into the kitchen and said, “Mom, I just want a best friend!”  What a way to begin a conversation!  I was so shocked by the comment that I stopped what I was doing and slowly turned to analyze the expression on my child’s face to see if it was a joke.  This was my most confident child speaking. This sincerely expressed feeling opened up a great teaching moment.

Talking through these feelings of being alone while surrounded by people and friends has given me reason to ponder what it is in our character development that makes us all feel this way.  There is a need to want to have a best friend, to belong to someone… but real growth comes when we can feel confident as an individual.

I was reminded of this experience when my daughter at college called and asked a similar question. “Why is it that I feel lonely at times with all these people around me?” It was if a light bulb went on and my eyes were opened to the feelings that can be a girl’s best friend or worst enemy. It is the need to belong and be with someone.

The dangers in those emotions come when you don’t recognize them and do not know how to cope with them because of youth or inexperience.  For example, it is dangerous for a young girl in high school who just wants to belong to someone, or needs someone to be with her all the time so that she can feel whole. It is dangerous if she seeks acceptance from a boy and detrimental if she seeks approval from other girls who do not have the standards we as mothers want her to maintain.  It is difficult not to be deceived by these emotions as they blur vision of who you are as an individual. How wise the girl is who feels comfortable and happy in being an individual and not needing approval or acceptance from someone else in all her daily routines.

I noticed while going to stake dances as a leader that girls always traveled in packs. A mass of girls went to the restroom together, to the dessert table together or just traveled around the dance floor together. There was confidence and a safety found in numbers.  As the years go on the confidence in being alone needs to develop. Trusting your own worth as an individual and assurance in your own choices and decisions is essential. A confidence needs to develop in our personality that allows us to be happy alone, self-confidant, and someone who doesn’t need a friend to agree and validate all decisions and actions.  Then and only then are you ready for a marriage relationship because once you are comfortable as an individual you are ready to be equal in a partner relationship. Partner to me means equal on the same emotional level.  Isn’t it ironic that you must gain confidence in being alone before you are really ready to belong to someone? These feelings of wanting to belong are given to us for a reason; it promotes the desire and drive to be married.

My daughter helped me understand; it was like de ja vu. I had these same feelings while I was in college! I knew exactly what she was struggling with and now recognized why she feels this way. Drawing upon my own experience with added years of wisdom I can now help her understand these emotions. With every trial in our lives there is an opportunity. Her trial that she faces now are these feelings of being alone… the opportunity comes in recognizing them and using them to her advantage in becoming an individual of confidence in her own abilities.  Becoming like others is not the answer nor is always being with someone. The quest is to find happiness, security and confidence in her own identity.

A wise visiting teacher once advised me regarding this very concept… “We will one day all be alone.  We must gain confidence and strive to develop the personal self that we like being with.”