The Most Important Things for a Baby

Diapers, Onesies, Tylenol… my list went on. I sat in my son’s room worried I was missing something. He was due to be born any day and I wanted his arrival into my home to be perfect. I wanted to welcome him with everything of worldly comfort be able to provide for his every need. Plagued with worry, I was determined to settle my fear by going through my list just one last time. When I finished, I asked myself, “Am I now prepared for my baby’s arrival? Do I have all the essentials? Being satisfied with my preparation, yet still feeling a lingering void, the thought came to my mind, “Of course, I’m prepared. The most important thing I can five my son is knowledge of the Gospel, the knowledge of who he is and what he can become.” I was taken back at the simplicity of my thought and, in a way, felt somewhat foolish for focusing on the superficial. After all, I could provide nothing greater for my son! By teaching him about his Heavenly Father’s plan, I would be able to five him the knowledge and the tools that many search for their entire lives but fail to find… the true gospel and eternal truths.

How different my perspective was as I went through my checklist again, thinking only of my spiritual preparation for his arrival. No longer was proving for his temporal needs quite as important to me as my ability to teach him of his divine inheritance. I couldn’t help but realize how easy it had been to accumulate the tangible for my son, but what about my own personal preparation? Had I been just as vigilant in seeking out qualities and attitudes in myself that would foster in my child a love of the lord and an environment that would enable him to fulfill his potential? The peace I felt that morning was overwhelming, as I realized I was indeed ready to welcome into my care a child of God.

Motherhood, I have discovered is full of moments such as this. It was only when I saw my baby for the first time that I understood the enormity of responsibility I held in my arms. As a mother who had just been given the most miraculous gift from above, I realized my responsibility in providing him the essentials necessary to return home to his loving Father in Heaven. I looked at him as I have looked at no one else before and beheld for the first time the endless potential my baby, like each of us, hold inside. What an incredible responsibility to awaken that potential and how grateful I am the Gospel provides the pattern to do so.

President Hinckley has said, “Let every mother realize that she has no greater blessing than the children which have come to her as a gift of the almighty; that she has no greater mission than to rear them in light and truth, and understanding and love; that she will have no greater happiness than to see them grow into young men and women who respect principles of virtue, who walk free from the stain of immorality.”

Now that I’m a mother, I look at the world differently. In my interactions with others, it’s obvious how stifled many of us have become because of failure to nurture this knowledge, knowledge that we are sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father. As mothers however, we are blessed with the constant reminder our children give us as they portray very clearly the divine nature and inherent beauty we all hold inside. The challenge lies in helping our children see themselves as we do. To help them realize their potential.

If I were to go back and rewrite my list of necessary items essential to welcoming a new baby into this world, I would list the obvious such as consistent family home evenings, daily scripture study and family prayer. In addition, however, I would add things such as a soft loving voice, kind uplifting words, open arms and patience, just to name a few. We live in a world that lacks of love. It is substituted with the tangible and the temporary, but we a Latter-day Saint mothers can provide our children with a lasting knowledge of joy and happiness and warmth only a righteous mother can give.

I watch my son now who is nearly seven months. He’s gone through his stash of diapers, stained all his Onesies and kept me up late at night on a few occasions battling one ailment or another. I’m quickly learning motherhood requires adaptability, but one constant remains and that is my love for him. Quite often I find myself reflecting on that moment of peace I felt just seven short months ago. In moments both of happiness and discouragement, I remember my purpose as his mother, and find great satisfaction knowing I am taking part in nurturing this child of God.

Not In Service

This past month we picked our son from the England, Birmingham Mission. It was a great experience to see where he had walked and listen to his stories as we drove past a door or street that stimulated his memory of an experience. One story that brought about much conversation and thought was of being out on a cold, wet English night waiting for the last bus to take them home at the end of a very disappointing day. Missionaries get up early and work hard all day and this had been no exception. Standing in the cold rain after their final appointment he saw the bus approaching and thought of getting on a warm bus was the one thing that would forgive the events of a very long day. As the bus rolled past without the slightest hesitation in its speed, he noticed the sign on the front that read, “Out of Service.” The thoughts of warmth and an easy ride home vanished instantly. He related to us that as he felt the sting of disappointment he decided then and there that never would he be, “Out of Service,” if someone needed him. He internalized this experience into something positive.

We talked a lot about being “Out of Service” and joked about how convenient it would be at times if we could put on a sign that declared to the world that we didn’t want to be bothered or to serve anyone. Can you just imagine our homes if we mothers put up such a sign? Or, how about in our wards if we wore a sign that said, “Out of Service in Primary” or “Out of Service if I have to work with Sister _______.” Our lives should be filled with service because it is service that makes our lives worthwhile. We should never miss these opportunities. President Kimball said that, “We cannot have spirituality without service.”

We can teach our families true service by giving time spent the “Interesting or Important Test.” Ask yourself each day how much effort was spent on interesting activities as opposed to how much time was spent on important activities. It makes us accountable for our usage of time and is a great end-of-the-day evaluation. It also makes a child aware of the activities they spend their time on. It should be very sobering if a child reports that most of the afternoon was spent playing video games.

Our families are where acts of service should be first experienced. Long ago I heard a quote that went something like this… “If you do a good turn, never remember it. If you receive a good turn, never forget it.” If only we could apply that principal to daily living. It reminds me how sometimes old grudges are talked about forever but a kindness is soon forgotten. If unconditional service to each other could be first priority how different our homes would be. The “Out of Service” sign would never appear. Love, trust, unselfishness and charity would be developed in our children. We would always be there when spouses, children or sibling really needed us.

Mother Teresa, the epitome of service, stated that, “It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into the doing.” Can you just imagine a home where the “In Service” sign was always out or the ward where the Bishop was never turned down when issuing a calling? Pause a moment, to reflect about that kind of atmosphere. You’re right… being in a place where everyone is serving others with love would be heaven on earth.

The Dependable Ones

I wish we could all be sitting in a huge arena and share our motherhood tales with each other. I know everyone would enjoy hearing similar experiences and it would prove to us that we are all more alike than different regarding our thoughts and feelings about being a Mom. I had an epiphany the other day that I have to share with you, but first I need to give some background. One of my motherhood dilemmas while raising children has been different from those frequently talked about in general conference addresses giving comfort and advice for parents of wayward children.  Though by no means perfect, my children have always stayed close to the Church so my dilemma deals with encouraging them to remain examples of righteousness and obedience. It has always been entertaining to hear my children relate the fun stories of scout campouts and listen to the adventures of misbehavior. A list of who played what pranks on the unsuspecting scout or scout master. I also find it interesting at eagle courts of honor everyone reminisces about those stories, savoring every detail. Sadly, I had one of my sons say to me how he wished he could get the attention that his misbehaving peer received and that it would be fun to have stories told about him that everyone loved to hear.  Sometimes I personally feel we reward bad actions simply by our attention of them. This is an example of what I call the Brother of the Prodigal Son Syndrome.  We reward bad behavior with attention while good behavior remains unnoticed and often without compliment.

How can we deal with the feelings of the dependable child, the one who is inherently good and obedient?  When a child is developing into an adult they don’t comprehend the full picture, neither can they see the rewards obtained by being obedient.  All they understand is their misbehaving friends getting the attention from the adults, regardless of the negative reason for which the attention was given…sad to say, but true. Shepherds should be aware of their entire flock…even those who appear to have few needs. The prodigal son’s good behavior never goes unnoticed, their birthdays and advancements are never forgotten, trips to the ice cream store always take place and their well being takes up the majority of the adult leadership meetings while the dependable “brother of the prodigal son” who is always where he should be and will always there to fall back on, receives little or no focus or attention.  The awareness of this dependability and obedience by a leader is not always the reward an obedient child needs or wants. As an adult that would sufficient, but as a child it is lacking because they also need time and attention.  They just don’t demand it through misbehavior.

This topic has been addressed several times in our home over the years and as a mother all I could do was reinforce their goodness and obedience with my praise.  My epiphany came just the other day as I witnessed my son’s understanding of this concept during a follow-up meeting after an event.  My child’s name was inadvertently left off the list honoring participants who had made the event successful.  As our eyes met I knew he was painfully aware of the error.  I winked at him and could see he was reading my thoughts… “It’s OK, don’t worry about it.”  Towards the end of the meeting another list was read announcing new assignments for individuals.  While reading the names, the adult leader stopped when he came to my son’s name, paused for a moment and then said, “I know him well. He will do a great job for you!”  I again glanced at my son and by the pleased expression on his face I knew that he finally understood and felt the rewards of being obedient and dependable..

Those few words brought euphoria and pulled all these years of encouragement together.  For all you dependable, wonderful, “be where you need to be”, “do what is right always” children, the day will come when our Savior will announce to the multitudes, “I know him well and he will do a great job!”  If our Savior can say to thief who was on the cross next to him, “You will be with me today in Paradise,” a glorious, peaceful place of honor, how much more glorious will our rewards be if we are always doing what is right and good? 

Our Greatest Gift

My husband and I ran into a business acquaintance the other day. He has been so determined to be successful in his career that he has obsessively spent every moment of every day working on his “Magnum Opus”.  The project is near completion after almost fifteen years of intense focus.  While meeting with him we got on a personal level asking about his family.  His countenance changed from excitement over his project to hollow tones in his voice.  He then told us that his wife had left him and had filed for divorce. His children would now be torn between two estranged parents. We were sad to hear the news because we have known the family for so long. The focus to create a gift for society came with the price of losing his family. His “Magnum Opus” that cost him so much eternally will not even be known a generation from now.

I couldn’t help but think of another visit we made the week prior to a very busy household consisting of mom, dad and five little boys.  Yes, it was noisy and busy but filled with love.  The disciplined household was involved with music lessons, homework, sporting events attended by mom and dad where children were cheered on and finally all were tucked into bed and kissed goodnight by two tired parents.  They work as a team to accomplish the greater achievement…raising a good family in unity and togetherness. This powerful parental gift of love translates into a strong family unit that becomes the most powerful gift to society.

There is a painting by artist James Christensen that I love entitled “Hold to the Rod, the Iron Rod”. It pictures a little man dressed in fine apparel whose hands and arms are filled with everything that life offers us. He is holding accounting books, educational degrees, money, numerous keys and packages portraying material things.  He is forlornly gazing up at the Iron Rod directly above his head but because his arms are so full of all the worldly gifts of which he obviously cannot let go, there is no way to reach or grab hold of it.

What really is our greatest gift?  I have thought much this month about the time we expend into things of this world that really won’t matter in the eternities. Shopping, looking through magazines, surfing the internet, playing computer games and the list could go on and on.  Unfortunately we all know the list too well. In spite of the immaculately kept garden we might tend, I’ve never ever heard of one plant, leaf or tree that would come to your bedside if you were in the hospital regardless of the pleasure  you derive from looking and working in it.  It’s not that such an endeavor can’t provide pleasure and enjoyment, but if done at the expense of one’s family what have we really gained?  Whether a garden, football, automobiles or whatever other pursuit we focus on, if we are out of balance with eternity, it may all be for naught. Our families are most important and our relationship we have with them. Families are forever not to overuse the common phrase. 

I hope this Christmas season you look closely at those gathered around you, ward members, friends and most importantly family.    It is not the gift purchased at a store that brings lasting joy. It is the gift of family and our association with friends.  It is laughter, caring, giving of self and loving others.  Cherish those feelings of enveloping every one of them into a big group hug.  This is our greatest gift

Silent Struggles

Those who have struggled with infertility know what a heartbreaking and difficult challenge it can be.  After my husband and I got married, we faced this challenge for three years before we were able to achieve a successful pregnancy through the help of our doctors.  Looking back, I remember many of the feelings that weighed on my mind and occasionally overwhelmed me. 

As my husband was in medical school at the time, we lived in a ward with many other student families.  Every Sunday, I sat in church and watched the mothers playing with their babies and young children and longed for that experience myself.  Baby showers were also hard for me as I was truly happy for my friends and their babies, but at the same time, discouraged about my own infertility. 

Because infertility is such an individual and personal struggle, it is often hard to share with others.  For this reason, only our closest friends and family knew what we were going through in our efforts to start our own family.   

During this time, I was working as an attorney to put my husband through school.  Although I found my job enjoyable, my family and close friends knew that I would give it all up in an instant to stay home and be a mother.  While I’m certain they meant no harm, I was often stung by the comments made by others about my lack of children.  I’m not sure why some feel that it is acceptable to inquire why a couple hasn’t had children yet or when they are planning to have children.  Perhaps most hurtful were the comments I heard assuming that I was choosing to further my career and putting off having children.  Little did they know that I had always dreamed of growing up, getting married and having a family. 

As I struggled and prayed for what I felt to be a righteous desire of my heart, I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to let me be a mother.  I prayed for understanding and to know His will for me.  I also prayed for comfort and peace as I did not want to be caught in a web of self-pity. 

After many failed attempts, various medications and different treatments, we were finally blessed to have a successful in vitro fertilization and to conceive twin boys.  Our challenges did not stop there though, as the pregnancy was laden with complications, including pre-term labor where we almost lost them.  Spending 1/3 of the pregnancy on bed rest gave me a lot of time to contemplate and to realize what a miracle children are.

Although we have been able to have children, infertility is still something we struggle with as each attempt to have a child requires medicines, doctors, and faith.  I believe we have come through this challenge as a stronger couple and more empathetic people.  I have made cherished friendships with others who share this same struggle and have been blessed to understand it in a way that one only can after having gone through it. 

Like infertility, there are many other struggles that people suffer through silently.  It is my prayer that we all will try to be more understanding, less judgmental, and more loving towards others, no matter what their burdens or challenges may be.    

guest writer... Lindsey

If I Had Only Known

How many times have we asked ourselves the question, “If possible, would I go back to my youth and live it over again?  What would I do differently?”   I have learned the secret to a happy life is to live your life with no regrets, doing what you should do at the time in your life you should be doing it.  I have seen too many sad moments of... “I should have done…”  In fact, the best reason for doing things right today, is simply because there is a tomorrow.

As my 19 year old prepares for his mission I have thought several times this past month how blessed these young people are to have an opportunity of serving so unselfishly for two years for our Father in Heaven. This opportunity window is small; the time for preparation has passed when they reach this age. Hopefully we mothers have prepared them to take advantage of this blessing in their life. This service brings understanding and knowledge about living on an accelerated scale.  The missionary experience gives them a jump start not only on a gospel level but on living life while developing personal interaction with people plus the benefit of self development.  These are the blessing that comes from two years of service to others. Any mother who discourages her child from going on a mission because of her desire to keep him close will someday be saying. “If I had only known then what I know now, I would have encouraged him to go.”

I was impressed with the New Era, March 2007 issue.  It is all about missionary preparation.  Not only should every young man and young woman read it but anyone who wants to improve their own life and commitment to the gospel.  The issue has a spirit about it that will give you the desire to “raise the bar” in your own life.  The sub-title is:  Missionary Preparation...Get Ready To Serve.   Is that not talking to all of us? 

One article that inspired me was entitled “If I Had Known at 19…”   Four points were mentioned that I keep finding myself pondering. They are: 1). I would make it my second highest priority to love my companion. 2) I would look for miracles. In fact, I would expect them. 3)  I would work smarter and harder. 4) I would not let rejection and failure discourage me.

• To me these four points of advice are appropriate for any phase of life we are in.  Setting your priority to love your companion would solve many of the problems that we have in our marriages and family. Our children too are our companions in this life. 
• Looking for miracles, in fact, expecting them would make us all more aware of the spirit that really does guide us in our lives if we let it.  Miracles do happen to us all the time.
• Working smarter and harder would help us with time management to allow us time to serve others and to stop dwelling on the petty self-centered concerns of our own lives.
• Finally...not letting rejection and failure discourage us would help us remember that we are all in the process of becoming...striving...to be better. Discouragement in rejection and failure is the tool used to keep us not wanting to improve or reach out to others. 

I encourage everyone to read this New Era issue cover to cover...Why should the youth be the only ones blessed with these insights? Aren’t we all young in the eternal aspect of life?  We all can begin by making changes in our own life and that of our children.  Try to avoid a life filled with… “If I had only known.”  Live a life that reflects… “I’m happy I knew!”

Gratitude for the Past

We drove to LAX the other night to say farewell to a departing missionary, one of nine, on her way to Thailand after their MTC preparation of twelve weeks.  We watched as they descended the escalator looking young, inexperienced and lost in a very crowded airport.  Unaware of our observation we could see them looking in various directions wondering which way led them to the international terminal.  There was no information desk available to even ask for help if they wanted too. They appeared lost in a sea of people moving all around them busily scurrying to their destinations, completely ignoring nine confused missionaries in need of assistance. They greeted us with a great sigh of relief as we told them we knew the way to the right terminal and ultimately to the airline counter handling their flight. This trying experience was made easier because someone else who had familiarity knew the way. Our experience in life assisted them when they required help and direction.

This circumstance brought deeper meaning to me when I opened a surprise gift received in the mail.  It was a family history book with life sketches of my ancestors recorded from the early 1800s.  I was fascinated to read about their lives and struggles. Their experiences became real and personal, no longer merely a name appearing on a line with dates.  These people loved and were loved. They had thoughts and feelings and experienced happiness and joy, hardships and trials.  What caught my attention more than anything was realizing their decisions and determination in overcoming their struggles literally caused my family to enjoy the existence we have today. Their perseverance and endurance helped me just as if they were at the airport guiding me to the international terminal.

The thought came to me that we are living our ancestors’ dreams. My son who is a medical doctor commented once how grateful he is for the educational opportunities which allowed him to pursue his life’s ambition.  He expressed gratitude for being born at the time when crossing the plains and the hard struggle to survive had taken place generations before.  Isn’t that true for all of us; we didn’t get where we are today by ourselves. Numerous sacrifices from many people were made on our behalf so we could accomplish all we do.  How many of our ancestors would have been great men and women of education, technology, science and art if only they had the chance to live as we do today. We are who we are largely because of the decisions and sacrifices they made.

What responsibility does that put on us?  What decisions are we making today that will affect our posterity?  I have a good friend whose husband belongs to another faith.  He is a good man and was raised to be very active in his religion.  In doing his genealogy my friend found that her husband had an ancestor who lived in Nauvoo and even received his endowments in the Nauvoo Temple in 1847.  That is a heritage that not many of us can boast of.  What happened to make his posterity lose sight of the beliefs and knowledge that once was so precious to him in 1847?  History does talk and as you read and learn about decisions made you can understand the how’s and why’s of what happened. 

Hindsight becomes clear when studied and pondered but the future is more ambiguous.  You are probably asking what this has to do with being a mother but in reality… everything.  You are the one who sets the atmosphere in your home.  Your personality and attitudes, both good and bad, are passed onto your children. The way you are influences their perception of life.  Have you ever wondered why a negative mother has negative children?  In contrast, the mother who has charity in abundance has children who also know how to serve willingly.  Just one mother who is offended by someone at Church and stops attending makes a decision that will follow her children for generations.  What about the kind words that you speak to your child? What you say with a simple phrase will change your child and how they feel about themselves.  We not only have the responsibility to direct them on how to catch their next flight at the airport but it is also the eternal path that you are leading them toward and their children as well.   Your voice and your decisions will influence many generations yet to come.