Motherhood Drawbacks

I’ve come to realize that our calling of Motherhood has some difficult emotions. When your child reaches adulthood you find yourself out of a job! This summer we enjoyed the wedding of our fourth child, Steven. He married a wonderful girl at the right time and in the right place. We are thrilled for them, but my “baby blues” came after the reception when the ribbons and bows were put away and the chairs were stacked neatly in the corner. With all the happiness that surrounds a wedding why do I have this empty feeling that a part of me is gone?

Everyone seems to move on with life but as a mother, more than anyone else, you deeply feel the transition that needs to take place. No longer can unsolicited advice flow freely to your child. That day has past and the time you’ve so long prepared your child for has come. This time a paradox is created, sadness that the apron strings are cut and happiness that your goal to successfully prepare you child to leave home has been achieved. A mother must now move out of her comfort zone and put on another hat, or as I refer to it, “move over to the next chair.” This new role is a hard transition to make. The chair that you now need to sit in has a bold sign posted above it that reads, “This person will only give advice when asked.” At first it is a difficult seat to feel comfortable in. It is a big adjustment to instantly stop mothering when you have worked so hard to perfect those skills during the past twenty plus years.

What can we do to alter our approach as a mother? Is it possible to stay close to adult children while maintain the ability to properly influence them? It is now important for us to put those mothering skills we have gained towards a new focus. We need to become their friend not their parent. The key work is the last sentence is “their.” No longer is your child single because with marriage the relationship has become a package deal, involving your child’s spouse as well. You must become your new son-in-law’s or daughter-in-law’s best supporter and biggest advocate, just as you did while mothering your own child.

The question to ask oneself is, “What really makes a good friend?’ In my opinion a friend is someone who 1) never judges but loves me for who I am, 2) doesn’t expect friendship on their terms, 3) always encourages but doesn’t say, “I told you so” when my plan doesn’t work, 4) gives honest advice when asked but never requires me to follow it, 5) is there for me when the chips are down but doesn’t bale me out of every challenge I face and 6) listens without offering opinions. This makes a good friend in my view but more importantly a good mother to adult children.

I hope I’m not alone in my feelings. This transition is hard but I am beginning to see the rewards of moving over to the “Next chair.” It is the one with the title posted above it that reads, “grandmother.” In fact that title has it’s own unique sense of power built on love, wisdom and patience. When intertwined together these qualities create an influence for a grandchild that even his own parent (your child) will never have. So when asked what I want to become after all my children are gone, my reply is simply, “A Grandmother.”