Diapers, Onesies, Tylenol… my list went on. I sat in my son’s room worried I was missing something. He was due to be born any day and I wanted his arrival into my home to be perfect. I wanted to welcome him with everything of worldly comfort be able to provide for his every need. Plagued with worry, I was determined to settle my fear by going through my list just one last time. When I finished, I asked myself, “Am I now prepared for my baby’s arrival? Do I have all the essentials? Being satisfied with my preparation, yet still feeling a lingering void, the thought came to my mind, “Of course, I’m prepared. The most important thing I can five my son is knowledge of the Gospel, the knowledge of who he is and what he can become.” I was taken back at the simplicity of my thought and, in a way, felt somewhat foolish for focusing on the superficial. After all, I could provide nothing greater for my son! By teaching him about his Heavenly Father’s plan, I would be able to five him the knowledge and the tools that many search for their entire lives but fail to find… the true gospel and eternal truths.
How different my perspective was as I went through my checklist again, thinking only of my spiritual preparation for his arrival. No longer was proving for his temporal needs quite as important to me as my ability to teach him of his divine inheritance. I couldn’t help but realize how easy it had been to accumulate the tangible for my son, but what about my own personal preparation? Had I been just as vigilant in seeking out qualities and attitudes in myself that would foster in my child a love of the lord and an environment that would enable him to fulfill his potential? The peace I felt that morning was overwhelming, as I realized I was indeed ready to welcome into my care a child of God.
Motherhood, I have discovered is full of moments such as this. It was only when I saw my baby for the first time that I understood the enormity of responsibility I held in my arms. As a mother who had just been given the most miraculous gift from above, I realized my responsibility in providing him the essentials necessary to return home to his loving Father in Heaven. I looked at him as I have looked at no one else before and beheld for the first time the endless potential my baby, like each of us, hold inside. What an incredible responsibility to awaken that potential and how grateful I am the Gospel provides the pattern to do so.
President Hinckley has said, “Let every mother realize that she has no greater blessing than the children which have come to her as a gift of the almighty; that she has no greater mission than to rear them in light and truth, and understanding and love; that she will have no greater happiness than to see them grow into young men and women who respect principles of virtue, who walk free from the stain of immorality.”
Now that I’m a mother, I look at the world differently. In my interactions with others, it’s obvious how stifled many of us have become because of failure to nurture this knowledge, knowledge that we are sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father. As mothers however, we are blessed with the constant reminder our children give us as they portray very clearly the divine nature and inherent beauty we all hold inside. The challenge lies in helping our children see themselves as we do. To help them realize their potential.
If I were to go back and rewrite my list of necessary items essential to welcoming a new baby into this world, I would list the obvious such as consistent family home evenings, daily scripture study and family prayer. In addition, however, I would add things such as a soft loving voice, kind uplifting words, open arms and patience, just to name a few. We live in a world that lacks of love. It is substituted with the tangible and the temporary, but we a Latter-day Saint mothers can provide our children with a lasting knowledge of joy and happiness and warmth only a righteous mother can give.
I watch my son now who is nearly seven months. He’s gone through his stash of diapers, stained all his Onesies and kept me up late at night on a few occasions battling one ailment or another. I’m quickly learning motherhood requires adaptability, but one constant remains and that is my love for him. Quite often I find myself reflecting on that moment of peace I felt just seven short months ago. In moments both of happiness and discouragement, I remember my purpose as his mother, and find great satisfaction knowing I am taking part in nurturing this child of God.
Showing posts with label Life Experience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life Experience. Show all posts
Wednesday
What Is God's Part Anyway
Finals week for student is always stressful and rightly so. It is just what is says… they are being tested on their total knowledge gained during the past semester. The grade is final and stays on their record all the way to college and even beyond. The accumulation of these grades can allow them to go on the university of their choice … or prevent them from doing so! There is generally no mercy if they get a poor grade. No going back to renegotiate because they have been tested, graded and that is final!
I found a post-it note on my computer one morning after my son had been up most of the night studying for his math final. The note read, “Hi Mom, I’ve worked hard in math all semester. I have been tutored, stayed after school to get help and have always done my homework. I have done my part so what is God’s part in helping me do well on this final?” I smiled at his question and also his, tongue in cheek, sense of humor. I also thought to myself, “How am I going to answer this one?” After he woke up and got ready for seminary we had family prayer and asked the Lord to bless him with a clear mind during the test.
I have found it hard as a mother to describe to my children how prayers are answered. Explaining this concept is not always so cut and dried as other questions they ask. The requests in our prayers have different levels of importance and there are some situations in life when the Lord expects you to grow and learn on your own, coming up with your personal solutions and even possibly making mistakes because of them. In our home we often ask the question, “How important is that in the eternal aspect of things? Our father in Heaven hears what we say and knows our concerns yet agency is never compromised. How can we explain that prayers are answered…but it may not be with a letter grade?
I was visiting an institute class with my older son in Iowa and the topic was keeping an eternal perspective in this busy world we live in. The prophet Moses was used as the example. Before he began the task of bringing the Israelites out of Egypt Moses needed an understanding of God’s eternal perspective and plan to help him get through the tasks and trials of his calling. Mosses had been raised in an environment and with the knowledge that Pharaoh was god and therefore, “all powerful.” He had seen this power in use during the first forty years of his life. Therefore, Moses needed to have a sure knowledge that God is God, the one who created the worlds and the task Moses was asked to do would be possible only though His eternal power. As obstacles came in his way Moses would need this confidence to accomplish his assignment. Our children need to develop this same confidence in the tasks they are here to do. Moses was shown all of God’s creations that allowed him to see the importance of his task from an eternal perspective. In preparation Moses was also told several times that he was, His son,” and had been called by God to complete this work and therefore a way would be provided for him to accomplish the assigned task. My favorite verse is in Moses 1:6 where the Lord tells him, “That all things are present with me, for I know them all.”
This thought gave me insight how to explain to my son that the Lord is very well aware of all his concerns, even his math final. In the eternal aspect of things the Lord is not going to rescue him from failure if he has not done his part in preparation. There is wisdom in letting us experience agency and accountability! My son needed to understand that God’s part has already been done and the tools for him to succeed are already in place. From an eternal perspective He allowed my son to be born in the time when knowledge is ours for the taking. He lives here in a country where freedom to learn is encouraged. He gave him a healthy body with the ability to think, reason and solve problems. He is a child of God who is known personally by his Father in Heaven and knows of his concerns. He has provided a plan where he may always correct errors made during this test of life and mercy will always be extended in his behalf. (This is more than the school system can offer!) He has given him a constant companion to guide him through uncertain times but the one thing He will not do for my son is to come and take the math test. Achievement results on this temporal test will be exactly what he earned with the help of a clear mind and his own preparation. He is a child of God and has those attributes to succeed in any task given to him.
The real question is: “What is your part to help yourself do well in math? Have you developed a drive to achieve your best? Do you have a desire to work and study hard? Do you have the courage necessary to ask questions and seek help when needed? Do you take care of yourself spiritually and live in such a way that you can receive help from the Holy Ghost?” If you can say you have done your part then “God’s part” will be achieved. The eternal final is the one that we must keep continually in our thoughts and gain a true understanding of what part God plays in that test.
P.S. He did fine on the exam plus gained a new understand of “God’s part” in the many small tests along this eternal road.
I found a post-it note on my computer one morning after my son had been up most of the night studying for his math final. The note read, “Hi Mom, I’ve worked hard in math all semester. I have been tutored, stayed after school to get help and have always done my homework. I have done my part so what is God’s part in helping me do well on this final?” I smiled at his question and also his, tongue in cheek, sense of humor. I also thought to myself, “How am I going to answer this one?” After he woke up and got ready for seminary we had family prayer and asked the Lord to bless him with a clear mind during the test.
I have found it hard as a mother to describe to my children how prayers are answered. Explaining this concept is not always so cut and dried as other questions they ask. The requests in our prayers have different levels of importance and there are some situations in life when the Lord expects you to grow and learn on your own, coming up with your personal solutions and even possibly making mistakes because of them. In our home we often ask the question, “How important is that in the eternal aspect of things? Our father in Heaven hears what we say and knows our concerns yet agency is never compromised. How can we explain that prayers are answered…but it may not be with a letter grade?
I was visiting an institute class with my older son in Iowa and the topic was keeping an eternal perspective in this busy world we live in. The prophet Moses was used as the example. Before he began the task of bringing the Israelites out of Egypt Moses needed an understanding of God’s eternal perspective and plan to help him get through the tasks and trials of his calling. Mosses had been raised in an environment and with the knowledge that Pharaoh was god and therefore, “all powerful.” He had seen this power in use during the first forty years of his life. Therefore, Moses needed to have a sure knowledge that God is God, the one who created the worlds and the task Moses was asked to do would be possible only though His eternal power. As obstacles came in his way Moses would need this confidence to accomplish his assignment. Our children need to develop this same confidence in the tasks they are here to do. Moses was shown all of God’s creations that allowed him to see the importance of his task from an eternal perspective. In preparation Moses was also told several times that he was, His son,” and had been called by God to complete this work and therefore a way would be provided for him to accomplish the assigned task. My favorite verse is in Moses 1:6 where the Lord tells him, “That all things are present with me, for I know them all.”
This thought gave me insight how to explain to my son that the Lord is very well aware of all his concerns, even his math final. In the eternal aspect of things the Lord is not going to rescue him from failure if he has not done his part in preparation. There is wisdom in letting us experience agency and accountability! My son needed to understand that God’s part has already been done and the tools for him to succeed are already in place. From an eternal perspective He allowed my son to be born in the time when knowledge is ours for the taking. He lives here in a country where freedom to learn is encouraged. He gave him a healthy body with the ability to think, reason and solve problems. He is a child of God who is known personally by his Father in Heaven and knows of his concerns. He has provided a plan where he may always correct errors made during this test of life and mercy will always be extended in his behalf. (This is more than the school system can offer!) He has given him a constant companion to guide him through uncertain times but the one thing He will not do for my son is to come and take the math test. Achievement results on this temporal test will be exactly what he earned with the help of a clear mind and his own preparation. He is a child of God and has those attributes to succeed in any task given to him.
The real question is: “What is your part to help yourself do well in math? Have you developed a drive to achieve your best? Do you have a desire to work and study hard? Do you have the courage necessary to ask questions and seek help when needed? Do you take care of yourself spiritually and live in such a way that you can receive help from the Holy Ghost?” If you can say you have done your part then “God’s part” will be achieved. The eternal final is the one that we must keep continually in our thoughts and gain a true understanding of what part God plays in that test.
P.S. He did fine on the exam plus gained a new understand of “God’s part” in the many small tests along this eternal road.
The Miracle of Defining Moments
The other day we were talking about experience that have defined who were are. It made me think back on special times in my life that I remember as thought they were yesterday. My baptism day and the way I felt in my new dress, the snowy Christmas Eve coming home from a family party, feeling safe and secure in our car, the leather smell of my first set of scriptures, the moment I knew I had a testimony, seeing my future husband for the first time as I saw him standing across the room from me, Holding my first child in my arms… these images and feelings will never be forgotten and will stay with me forever.
I enjoyed hearing my children talk about their special moments that have defined their young lives and it made me aware of how much we as mothers control some of those moments, either by the tone of our voice as we handle a disciplinary moment to the smell of your cologne or the time spent in just sitting and talking or working together whole teaching skills.
I remember a talk given by President James E. Faust. He spoke about his memory of the smell of cookies baking as he arrived home from school and a mother to greet him. He told this experience to remind us that we provide memories for our children… I could not help but think how times have changed since he was a small boy. I had to get over my guilt from his talk to remind myself that the smells of cookies are not the only memory we could or should make for our children. In fact, I don’t think my children have ever come home with the smell of cookies in the oven and I hope that is not a mandatory checked item on the questionnaire to get one into heaven. I have created other moments for my children that have helped to define who they are. I have cherished the times I’ve had with my child during a one-on one in the car as we drove from place to place or the planning and working on their school activities and clubs.
A concept in a talk given in sacrament meeting it was suggested that to a child love is not spelled L-O-V-E, it is spelled T-I-M-E. I can’t think of a better era to live in than this day when free unscheduled time is ours to use. It may not be used in baking cookies or in driving your children to practices, watching their games or sitting and visiting as family. Defining moments help your child build character and can be created in a number of ways, not just the hard farming work that used to be the main focus of yesteryears. Plan your unscheduled time to build memories for your children.
My brother-in-law, Bruce, related this story that illustrates how important the memory of a defining moment in our lives can be. After his father passed away and all the personal effects were stored away, Bruce rummaged through those things and found an old cassette tape made nearly thirty-seven years earlier. It was the missionary farewell of an old high school friend who Bruce still sees on rare occasions. Assured that this friend would find some value in this bit of history rather than just throwing it away, Bruce dropped it off to the friend’s place of work. The friend had seen some hard times and his testimony of the gospel had become somewhat tarnished. A week went by before the friend telephoned Bruce. He explained that his own son had just given his farewell talk in the church before he entered the MTC. Hearing his own mission farewell from so many years ago coupled with his son’s exuberance rekindled a flame that had frown dim. The friend was very touched by Bruce’s thoughtfulness and explained how uplifting it was to listen to him thoughts from thirty-seven years earlier as he embarked in the service of God. It brought back the memory of his testimony and what he felt was really important. It made him realize that the person he was now was not the person that he, at 19, had visualized. The friend thanked him for the tape and told Bruce how it was a defining moment in his life to hear the younger version of himself.
Defining moments are ours for the creating. Family trips, activities, video making, hobbies, building family traditions and playing and working together are all a part of who our children will become. Our important priorities will become theirs, as they get older. Our goal as mothers should be to create moments that will help define themselves as people of service and leadership. Seek out activities that will forever be in their memories that they can fall back on when life gets hard, moments that can remind them of who they really are and where they should be.
I enjoyed hearing my children talk about their special moments that have defined their young lives and it made me aware of how much we as mothers control some of those moments, either by the tone of our voice as we handle a disciplinary moment to the smell of your cologne or the time spent in just sitting and talking or working together whole teaching skills.
I remember a talk given by President James E. Faust. He spoke about his memory of the smell of cookies baking as he arrived home from school and a mother to greet him. He told this experience to remind us that we provide memories for our children… I could not help but think how times have changed since he was a small boy. I had to get over my guilt from his talk to remind myself that the smells of cookies are not the only memory we could or should make for our children. In fact, I don’t think my children have ever come home with the smell of cookies in the oven and I hope that is not a mandatory checked item on the questionnaire to get one into heaven. I have created other moments for my children that have helped to define who they are. I have cherished the times I’ve had with my child during a one-on one in the car as we drove from place to place or the planning and working on their school activities and clubs.
A concept in a talk given in sacrament meeting it was suggested that to a child love is not spelled L-O-V-E, it is spelled T-I-M-E. I can’t think of a better era to live in than this day when free unscheduled time is ours to use. It may not be used in baking cookies or in driving your children to practices, watching their games or sitting and visiting as family. Defining moments help your child build character and can be created in a number of ways, not just the hard farming work that used to be the main focus of yesteryears. Plan your unscheduled time to build memories for your children.
My brother-in-law, Bruce, related this story that illustrates how important the memory of a defining moment in our lives can be. After his father passed away and all the personal effects were stored away, Bruce rummaged through those things and found an old cassette tape made nearly thirty-seven years earlier. It was the missionary farewell of an old high school friend who Bruce still sees on rare occasions. Assured that this friend would find some value in this bit of history rather than just throwing it away, Bruce dropped it off to the friend’s place of work. The friend had seen some hard times and his testimony of the gospel had become somewhat tarnished. A week went by before the friend telephoned Bruce. He explained that his own son had just given his farewell talk in the church before he entered the MTC. Hearing his own mission farewell from so many years ago coupled with his son’s exuberance rekindled a flame that had frown dim. The friend was very touched by Bruce’s thoughtfulness and explained how uplifting it was to listen to him thoughts from thirty-seven years earlier as he embarked in the service of God. It brought back the memory of his testimony and what he felt was really important. It made him realize that the person he was now was not the person that he, at 19, had visualized. The friend thanked him for the tape and told Bruce how it was a defining moment in his life to hear the younger version of himself.
Defining moments are ours for the creating. Family trips, activities, video making, hobbies, building family traditions and playing and working together are all a part of who our children will become. Our important priorities will become theirs, as they get older. Our goal as mothers should be to create moments that will help define themselves as people of service and leadership. Seek out activities that will forever be in their memories that they can fall back on when life gets hard, moments that can remind them of who they really are and where they should be.
Monday
A Firm Foundation
My teenagers have been following with interest the numerous religious controversies. First, there are the debates, voting and division of the Episcopal Church over homosexuality. They also questioned me about the Catholic Church’s handling of the many “priest incidences” pertaining to child abuse. We discussed the recent Massachusetts ruling on gay marriage and the impact it will have on our society. All are sad reviews of our time.
I watch my children with interest as they realize what these topics are about. They question why churches and society even debate about them. “Isn’t it just wrong?” they ask. My teens remind me of little kittens as their eyes are beginning to open. They are seeing the “opposition” part of our society and I wish I could shelter them a little while longer. I don’t want them to be aware of this part of life too soon, but on the other hand if I don’t guide them through these topics, who will? I f I were to disregard their questions, until they were older, would I be allowing them to come to worldly conclusions, which maybe contrary to righteous standards and views?
My daughter said, “You wouldn’t see those problems in our church!” I had to sadly tell her that sometimes you do but how they are handled is completely different. Our Church is based upon eternal truths and truth never changes. There are just some issues where agency and debating are not an option. (Even in a High Priest Quorum meeting.) My son mentioned that there is a safe feeling knowing these subjects are truly black and white. We know exactly how our Church stands on issues. Wrong will never be debated into right or rationalized to become doctrine. We referred to the “Proclamation on the Family” and read the parts that pertained to marriage and the sanctity of family.
This led us into the topic of “lesser wrongs” that are not so black and white, such as watching R rated movies, not obeying parents with righteous motives, gossiping that my hurt your friends, not living the word of wisdom or keeping the Sabbath day holy. Are these concepts up for debate or rationalization? We discussed the magnitude of these issues. They came to the conclusion on their own that all wrongs take you away from the Spirit. And hurt both others and yourself. They lead you away from where our Heavenly Father wants you to be. What is there to rationalize? You can never make a wrong right. You are either moving forward or backward. There is no standing still.
My older son sent me a newspaper article reporting that ht largest Christian bookstore chain in America would soon open their doors for business on Sunday afternoon. Their rational was two fold: “Churches have their (bookstore) doors open on Sunday, why shouldn’t we?” Many denominations have bookstores within their church and have them open following their services. 2) “What we are commanded to do in Matthew 28:19 doesn’t say, Monday to Saturday, 9 to 5, it’s a 24-7 great commission.”
My children enjoyed reading about their reasons why to open on Sunday but comment again that our foundation is firm and truth will never change to meet the desires of the times. As issues and topics come and go it is easy to see how wide the divide is becoming between unalterable truth and the philosophies of men. At the same time it should be easier to recognize the truth that isn’t altered by rationalization.
It is wise to guide your children through these times. Your wisdom and testimony will help them hold onto that rod of iron. There is a real “mist of darkness” in the light of day. Our families and Church doctrine are the firm foundation for them unlike the “great and spacious” building that is floating in the air and moves with the trends of the time.
I watch my children with interest as they realize what these topics are about. They question why churches and society even debate about them. “Isn’t it just wrong?” they ask. My teens remind me of little kittens as their eyes are beginning to open. They are seeing the “opposition” part of our society and I wish I could shelter them a little while longer. I don’t want them to be aware of this part of life too soon, but on the other hand if I don’t guide them through these topics, who will? I f I were to disregard their questions, until they were older, would I be allowing them to come to worldly conclusions, which maybe contrary to righteous standards and views?
My daughter said, “You wouldn’t see those problems in our church!” I had to sadly tell her that sometimes you do but how they are handled is completely different. Our Church is based upon eternal truths and truth never changes. There are just some issues where agency and debating are not an option. (Even in a High Priest Quorum meeting.) My son mentioned that there is a safe feeling knowing these subjects are truly black and white. We know exactly how our Church stands on issues. Wrong will never be debated into right or rationalized to become doctrine. We referred to the “Proclamation on the Family” and read the parts that pertained to marriage and the sanctity of family.
This led us into the topic of “lesser wrongs” that are not so black and white, such as watching R rated movies, not obeying parents with righteous motives, gossiping that my hurt your friends, not living the word of wisdom or keeping the Sabbath day holy. Are these concepts up for debate or rationalization? We discussed the magnitude of these issues. They came to the conclusion on their own that all wrongs take you away from the Spirit. And hurt both others and yourself. They lead you away from where our Heavenly Father wants you to be. What is there to rationalize? You can never make a wrong right. You are either moving forward or backward. There is no standing still.
My older son sent me a newspaper article reporting that ht largest Christian bookstore chain in America would soon open their doors for business on Sunday afternoon. Their rational was two fold: “Churches have their (bookstore) doors open on Sunday, why shouldn’t we?” Many denominations have bookstores within their church and have them open following their services. 2) “What we are commanded to do in Matthew 28:19 doesn’t say, Monday to Saturday, 9 to 5, it’s a 24-7 great commission.”
My children enjoyed reading about their reasons why to open on Sunday but comment again that our foundation is firm and truth will never change to meet the desires of the times. As issues and topics come and go it is easy to see how wide the divide is becoming between unalterable truth and the philosophies of men. At the same time it should be easier to recognize the truth that isn’t altered by rationalization.
It is wise to guide your children through these times. Your wisdom and testimony will help them hold onto that rod of iron. There is a real “mist of darkness” in the light of day. Our families and Church doctrine are the firm foundation for them unlike the “great and spacious” building that is floating in the air and moves with the trends of the time.
Sunday
Explaining Christ's Sacrifice
The title of this editorial is “Mom’s Corner” so I figure abut 90% of the men just pass it over. With that thought in mind I would like to take the liberty to share with you an approach which has enabled me to explain to my children the atonement and the sacrifice that our Savior made for us using a very female based perspective.
Some year’s back one of my children asked me why Jesus had to be nailed to the cross and die like He did? Why wasn’t there another way for Him to sacrifice for us so that our sins would be forgiven? He felt badly that Jesus had to die for him almost as if it were his fault. I was impressed that an 8 year old understood so much about the atonement. I thought to myself, “How do I explain this one so he will understand and appreciate the act of love Christ did for him personally?” While I was pondering his question I looked down at my very pregnant body and felt the baby within me move. I lovingly responded back to my unborn child’s movement with my hand rubbing over the area that was moving. Then taking my son’s hand I let him also feel his little brother and we shared a moment of excitement over this new life that was soon going to come into our home. With that simple act I realized what to say to my son and how to explain Christ’s sacrifice for us. I also saw the way to explain why Christ willingly gave His life for us as an act of pure love.
Each of the eight times I have given birth I have dreaded the thought of actually going through the childbirth experience again. I often said to myself. “I wished there was another way to have this baby.” Modern medications profess to “take the edge off” but that is really just a medical cover up. The process is still the same. There is no other way to give birth to a child than through pain and suffering. In spite of the agony, discomfort and intense pain a mother willingly goes through this for her child. I have thought many times that giving birth, in a small way, is something like the sacrifice of our Savior for us. He died so we might live again. Our Savior even said, “Father, all things are possible unto there; take way this cup from me…” (Mark 14:36) but there was no other way. Christ willingly went through the pain and suffering and gave His life for us just as we mothers sacrifice for our children so they may come into the world and have life.
I talked with my son about the process of having a baby and used it as an analogy of our Savior. There is no other way to bring a child into the world and there was no other way for our Savior to save us except by His sacrifice in His death. I told him that going through the pain of childbirth made me love my child more. The plain and suffering only bonded me closer to the new baby because I had gone through that for him. My son was then able to understand that our Savior loved him and His act of selfless love made Him love my son even more.
I think of this experience often and appreciate the fact it was my eight year old that really taught me about the atonement of our Savior. I have told my children more than once that I should be the one to receive gifts on their birthday because I am the one who gave them life. This only brings home the question, “How often do I give thanks to my Savior for His sacrifice and His gift to me of eternal life?” May you have a Christ centered Easter.
Saturday
Ye Shall Not Fear
Two mothers asked me this month how to deal with the fear their children were experiencing due to today’s world events. Between the natural disasters close at home and around the world, election bashing, economic reports, world conflicts and negative news in general, the world seems to be very fragile. It does make us all question our safety and stability.
I was thinking about the book, Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott. This novel based during the Civil War era depicts a family with several daughters. They found joy in their daily lives in spite of all the circumstances that surrounded them. Their father was away at war, illness hit the family and uncertainty of the times permeated their lives yet they always found joy in daily living and in being a family. Yes, it is fiction but the finding of joy, peace, love and safety in each other is real.
My mother was a teenager during World War II and shared with me several experiences of those years like rationing of fuel, clothing and food such as sugar, curfews with lights out, wondering for weeks if a sister’s fiancé had gone down with the navel ship, the Normandy, the blue stars in the windows of the homes signifying a son was away fighting in the war or a gold star signifying a son had been killed in our country’s service. She walked by one house on her way to school that had five stars in the window… three of them were gold. I for one would not trade my concerns of today for her generations’ experiences and fears. I asked if she remembered being afraid and her comment was the answer that the two mothers needed to hear. She said, “My mother and father never gave us reason to fear. We had love and security in our home. They were at peace and so they passed it on to their children.”
In both the book, Little Women, and my mother’s stressful times during World War II many joys were felt, fun experiences had, laughter, joy and security were felt. I’ve seen pictures of my mother and her family during those years. Those images showed everyone laughing, hugging, family outing and parties with friends. The reflections of the faces in the photos did not seem to have a concern or worry in the world. My mother experienced a happy teenage life. Why? I feel her parents were the key to her security.
Elder Holland stated in the Church’s worldwide training for members in February, “With all that’s happening around us, internationally and otherwise. I think there’s a lot of fear. I hear a lot of fear among our young single adults and teenagers wondering whether there’s going to be a future. It’s always been tough. There has never been a time in the history of the world when there weren’t problems, when there weren’t things to be fearful about. That’s why we have the gospel. We can’t live in fear… not in this Church… that somehow things aren’t going to work out or that there’s too much that’s ominous out there that’s going to strike. That can be personal fear or collective fear for civilization. We just need to live the gospel and summon our faith and get answers to our prayers and go forward. That’s the way it’s always been done.”
The secret of coping with fear is… faith in the gospel plan, knowledge that you are loved and known by a loving Heavenly Father. Safety is felt in a loving home environment; feelings of security happen when you have prepared physically for any natural disaster or economic recession that could occur. Mentally… when you feel gratitude for what you have… what you have is enough because you are not constantly wishing you had more.
If our trust is put in things of the world then we do have need to fear. As life changes around us physically our faith and trust should be in the Lord’s plan and what he has in store for us. With that knowledge there is no need to fear. Principles and gospel life style will never change and will bring security to our lives. The iron rod is there if we will hold on to it.
Children are generally unaware of world changes. They are more aware of changes within the walls of their home. Our place as mothers is to not let your fears become your child’s fear. Create a home of love, rules, consistency, happiness and laughter, a place where the world’s problems are not the main concern. Turn off the media that may bring those feelings of fear into their lives. Let them feel the peace that the gospel can bring and the love, calmness and security that you can give them.
Warriors of Nobility
I was once asked which scriptural prophet I would most like to meet and interview. Without hesitation I responded “Joseph of the Old Testament, the son of Jacob, with the coat of many colors.” He has my admiration because when approached by Potiphar’s wife he fled! He didn’t linger around to teach her correct moral principles. Instead he had the strength of character and the wisdom to see the danger in staying. To me those are qualities to admire and in my own thought process I think, “If he can be strong in adversity, so can I”. Later while pondering this question I started remembering a long list of great heroes with strong characteristics that we read about in our scriptures. These great examples should be imbedded into our children’s hearts and minds so they can develop these same traits into their own character.
My son wrote home from the mission field that he had a companion who had been caught up with a sub-culture group on his high school campus. They all wore black, stayed together and outwardly display somber attitudes. My son mentioned how he admired his companion’s strength in leaving the acceptance and comforts afforded by these friends. His decision to serve a mission required changing his life and leaving friends who held vastly different outlooks on life. It was my son’s next comment that made my heart ache, observing that the attitudes his companion fostered during this formative time of character building had affected his ability to be an effective missionary. I thought again of Joseph in Egypt who had the strength to flee instead of seeing if he could change the attitude and motives of Potiphar’s wife. He recognized evil and knew when to flee and not look back. Why didn’t this young man know how and when to turn away from influences that would pull him a different direction?
How many of our children are caught up in similar situations that will lead them away from what our Father in Heaven really has in store for them. A lyric from one of Saturday’s Warriors songs calls our youth, “warriors of great nobility.” Do they really see themselves as such? Can they stand and fight for truth and righteousness…even if they stand alone? How can we teach them to recognize good from evil? We encourage them to have charity for others, reach out to those who are not like us, to be missionary minded, share the gospel with all and to help the weak of mind and soul. How can we teach them to do these things yet caution them of the dangers awaiting them outside our homes? There are people who want to pull them down; who don’t want them to have high standards; who would love to see them fail. There are those individuals who have no desire to follow light and truth.
I don’t think there is any one answer but it is a sure path down the wrong path if we as parents don’t encourage full church attendance and developing social bonds with church friends. That means full church participation on our part as well. When I was a Young Women leader several years ago one young girl, who attended on Sunday, never came to the week night activities. I called the mother to see if there was a problem and her response surprised me. The daughter was much too busy with school and extra activities to waste an evening in activities with young women that really didn’t accept her anyway. The years have been hard on this young woman and her mother as paths taken by choice and encouragement of outside influences have affected her church activity. The mother now wonders what happened. I also question the motive of parents who put their child on restriction from all church activities because they are grounded. Does that encourage our children to make correct choices?
So many examples of wonderful people are found in our scriptures. Maybe reading scriptures as a family is not possible for your family because of your schedules or children’s ages but telling them of people that you personally read about in the scriptures is possible. Dinner conversations, car time, emails and the power of a text message that only says “Remember Ammon” can be a powerful tool. We need to help our children remember those great examples of characteristics you want your children to follow. Ester who not only was beautiful on the outside, had strong righteous convictions on the inside; Nephi’s faith; Ammon’s courage and willingness to serve; Alma the younger’s ability to change; Abish’s testimony of the gospel while living without others to support her; the 2000 stripling warriors’ example of courage and obedience…the list is endless. For any weakness your child has there is a hero in our scriptures who has that characteristic as his strength. Teach your child to love that hero! Your children will develop the attitude, “If they can do it, I can do it.” Ask if your child knows more about the superheros on Saturday morning TV or those social icons followed in the tabloids? If so, refocusing needs to happen.
Our church activity can be our best ally in instilling wisdom in our children. Every week our young women stand and repeat the Young Women theme: “We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him. We will stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places as we strive to live the Young Women values, which are: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works and Integrity We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.” The 13th article of faith states “We believe in being honest, true chaste, benevolent, virtuous and in doing good to all men…If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.” The Scout Law states “A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.” Discuss these qualities for their practical value helping them to internalize what they mean and that by living them their lives will be enriched. Teach them to know they are loved and accepted by a much higher group than the one on the local school campus. (It sounds like several great family home evening topics to me.)
Dangers are out in our world and being aware of all the strong influences should assist us in helping our children recognize good from evil and the ability to hear the spirit telling them when to flee. Our homes should be the place where our warriors of these latter days should be trained. Sister Beck, the general Relief Society President, stated in our last conference that our homes should be the mission training center while the MTC we send our missionaries to should only be a refresher course. How correct she is! Our children are warriors of great nobility, but let’s not forget that we are the parents who have been instructed to teach them. Our Father has faith in us as well. Let’s not sit back and think our children will learn correct principles on their own. That is just what the adversary’s team is hoping for. Be pro-active, raise your bar and teach your children through the examples of real heroes the goodness and strength of character that the world forsakes.
Be What You Know
In the book Abraham Lincoln’s Philosophy of Common Sense is the famous quote of Lincoln honoring his mother, “All that I am, all that I hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” We have all heard that quote before but are you aware of what his mother said to him just before she passed away? Her last words to him were, “Be something, Abe.” I have wondered how many times Abraham Lincoln reflected on those words as he was making choices in his own life as the years went by. Those words, “Be something,” express every mother’s desire as we look upon our children and wish only wonderful things for them. But just as Abe’s mother was not with him while he was making life’s daily choices, neither can we always be with our children as they make every choice in life.
We can only hope that they will become what they know and what we have taught them to be. How many times have you heard the phrase said, “That sounds just like your mother or father?” Because, like it or not, for good or bad, our children become like us and take on our characteristics and judgments in making choices. They internalize our examples as they watch us. Sometimes self-evaluation of our own choices will benefit our children in theirs’.
Events in my life lately have caused me to contemplate the power we have in our own lives and the power to direct that life just by the choices we make. While reading one of my daughter’s Harry Potter books, Dumbledore, with all his wisdom, tells Harry, “It’s not your accomplishments that make you who you are, it is your choices.” Those sage words have come into my mind several times this past month.
We attended a medical school graduation ceremony where 150 students were being honored for their accomplishments. I feel their success that day did not just start four years ago when they entered the classroom. Further, it was not just one choice, but several choices, that brought them to this point in their lives. When did those choices begin? Who helped them make those choices or was it solely all their own doing? Did every student get out of his or her education the same thing? These are rhetorical questions only presented to invoke thought and I personally don’t know if there is any one answer to them as there are so many variables in life.
After rearing my own children and working with others in various callings and organizations it amazes me that this concept of choice can lead them in so many different directions. One’s educational or occupational path is not better than another path, just different and tailored to one’s personality and talents. I do feel, however, that every choice begins with a seed or suggestion or encouragement. This is where we mothers come in. These graduating students did not get there solely on their own aspiration. Yes, they provided the discipline, but that cheering section in the audience with their support and encouragement gave an added boost. These students had a team of teachers, peer support and examples to help them complete their choice but the main aspiration and encouragement of their choice probably came from their parents. This goes for every child as they make choices during their formative years.
I just returned from taking 38 high school choral students and chaperones to New York City. I planned and arranged everything and scheduled events so we would always be together except for a little free time to explore. I was amazed that even though we all went to the same places, so many different experiences were later shared. I realized that it was their individual choices of attitude and exploration that made the experience either wonderful or unsatisfactory. The unique point here is it was their choice! Going to NYC and having a great time is insignificant compared to a major life altering decision. Choice is not appreciated until it is taken away and sometimes a bad choice can alter the rest of one’s life. I just heard from a friend that her 16-year-old daughter was pregnant and getting married. Somewhere in this young lady’s life decisions were made that led to this crossroad in her life. Things will never be the same for her. The accountability from her choice is now in effect.
I don’t know the secret to help youth make wise choices in their lives. With so many different personalities in the world all reacting differently I’m sure there isn’t any set answer. If I did know, however, I could make millions selling that information. For sure, experience is the best teacher and a child will learn from mistakes as well as wise choices. I also know that a child needs to learn early about making mistakes. Feeling the results of bad choices will prevent him/her from making additional poor choices. We mothers cannot helicopter in and rescue or defend their actions. No doubt this is sometimes easier said than done. The Lord gave us mothers the innate capacity to love and protect our children but there are times when they fail and need to feel the pain of their unwise choices.
My son is spending his summer half way around the world in Japan. Driving to the airport I kept reiterating the checklist of “do’s and don’ts”. He kept saying, “I know, Mom, I know” accompanied with that sigh confirming that he had heard it all before. I paused, looked at him and said…. “Well, my son, be what you know!” Those were my last words to him! I could tell that the time had come when he was done with my advice and admonitions. I felt a sense of relief come over me because the transfer of accountability had just taken place. His choices are forever his own along with the results of those choices.
My last words were not “Be something!” but my words meant the same thing. The transfer of power to make choices and own the consequences from those choices are now on his shoulders even though I haven’t passed away. Saying this to your children… “Be what you know!” empowers them to make wise choices because deep down they will remember your counsel. We can only hope they will reflect on these four words as they make daily choices in their lives.
The Hour Glass Principle
There have been many anxious moments in watching my children and their peers grow and mature. Sometimes it reminds me of the bee who keeps flying into the glass pane not realizing that it is the bee that needs to modify its behavior. The pane of glass is immoveable. I wish that I could write a letter to these young people counseling them of life’s pitfalls so they won’t knock into the immovable window pane but deafness seems to have fallen upon so many young people today. In other cultures older people are considered wiser but in our society we enroll in the school of hard knocks, avoiding advice. If I were to write them a letter I would entitle it “An Open Letter to Every Seventeen Year Old.” It would say something like this:
Dear newly turned seventeen year old: Well, here you are, past the age of sixteen. You now realize that turning sixteen was not the magical age that unlocked the mysteries of the world as you always imagined. You have learned the world does not bow at your feet. Those dates you always imagined never came or if those dates did come you now realize they brought a whole new level of emotions and feelings often lacking the happiness you expected or had fantasized about in your dreams. You may even be asking yourself what went wrong and have started to doubt your own abilities. Hopefully, you are beginning to wonder if there is more you can do to make life happen. If this is the case you have reached a teachable point in your life.
These doubts and feelings are all just part of growing up. Let me explain something I have learned by observing the hourglass. I call it the hourglass principle where life is divided into two phases separated by a small narrow passageway or neck. On one side is the child who expects to be waited upon, always having someone meet his/her needs. On the other side is a life of service. As a child your decisions are made for you and you generally obey whatever you’re told. Minimal self-discipline is expected except for behavior required to make you socially acceptable. You are basically happy living in the world your parents have created for you. In essence, your world represented by the sand peacefully resting at the hourglass’s base brings a degree of security and freedom that makes you happy and content.
When the hour glass is turned upside down your world changes. Constant rules and restrictions are being put in your way. The space seems to be closing in around you as parents give advice, admonitions and rules to keep you safe as you travel through that narrow neck. You start to realize that not everyone likes you and that you need to change to be accepted. This is when that gospel foundation you’ve been taught is being tested. Demands from school, teachers, peers and parents lead you to believe that your freedom is being taken away. But it is not! This is just a time in one’s life where you are pressured as an individual to decide who you are and what you want to become. Some of you may struggle in this narrow neck for a long time. Until you gain the understanding that rules, either social or moral, need to be observed or you will be forever in that narrow passageway. Hopefully you will see by not conforming to rules that freedoms can actually be taken away from you. The wise individual will realize by using discipline and reaching out to others that true freedom will soon to be opening up.
Practicing the concept of self-discipline is the only way to achieve true freedom and independence. Once you pass through that narrow neck you see the world differently…it is not, “What is in this for me” or “why are they making me do this?’…rather it becomes, “How can I serve and what can I give to others?” That one concept will thrust you into the larger area of the hourglass. Reaching out to others brings a happiness that can never be received if you are waiting for people to satisfy your needs. There is no magical age or teacher that brings on this knowledge it evolves from the experience of living and changing behavior.
This year of your life is the time for self discipline and restraints, concentrating on your own spiritual foundation, educational goals, personality development and the life you are going to have. In just another year you turn 18, becoming a legal adult and what you make of your life will be your doing. Use this next year to reach out to others, becoming your best self and being the person you visualize yourself being in the future. The concept I heard as a young girl was, “If you want to marry a certain kind of individual then you need to become that certain kind of individual yourself.” This year should commence the beginning of becoming that person you want to be.
It is easy to see, now that I am older, that where you are at certain times in your life determines your future. Examine who your friends are, your spiritual commitment, your academic level and goals, your attitudes and your teachability. Every aspect of your life today plays a part in who you will become in the years ahead. Now is the beginning of the end of your teenage years and the questions to ask yourself are, “Who are you?” “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” and “What are you doing to get there?” The answers may require changing behavioral habits and patterns. This change needs to take place by self motivation and of your own accord.
At this time in your life your decisions, choices and attitudes will affect all eternity. The sooner you get through the middle of the hourglass by learning the correct principles the sooner the world will open up and you will have true happiness, freedom and independence. Begin your life!
The Greatest Gift
This past month has given me an opportunity to reflect on the greatest gift that has ever been given to me, that of being a woman. Just this past week I had the experience of being in the in the delivery room at the birth of our first granddaughter. Tears came to my eyes as I watched my daughter’s reaction of joy and excitement as her new baby girl drew in her first breath and began to cry. Everyone in the room, nurses and doctor, was a woman, except my son-in-law who the doctor allowed to assist in the delivery because he is a medical student. I listened with interest to all the comments made. Emotions were expressed by everyone but I noticed the difference between male and female. The females spoke of feelings while the male comments were more clinical. One is not better than the other just different. I realized once again that these feelings we share as women are a gift to us. Men have to cultivate and work on these tender feelings that we women have an abundance of.
Women share the same divine role. The process of giving birth, however, is not what makes us women. Rather, it is the compassion to feel as others feel, having charity and a desire to make everything better, the ability to love so deeply that it can be felt, feelings that bring tears to our eyes, joy to our hearts and sorrow to the very depths of our souls. The feelings in that delivery room, both spoken and unspoken, are what make us women. Elder Matthew Cowley taught that “men have to have something given to them [in mortality] to make them saviors of men, not women. [They] are born with an inherent right, an inherent authority, to be the saviors of human souls … and the regenerating force in the lives of God’s children.” Our divine nature is to comfort, console, strengthen and love unconditionally. We have been given the gift to feel vicariously what someone else is going through and the wisdom to know what to do to help. I can think of no greater gift.
I see all around me sorrowful women who feel that they can not attain womanhood until they have given birth. Though a special dimension it is only a small part of our depth of developing our divine role. Not everyone in the delivery room that day had given birth, yet we all shared that experience because we all had the same emotional makeup. Women have the right to feel these emotions and to use these gifts for the benefit of everyone around them. Some of us must simply find other ways to mother. Everyone needs a woman’s touch in their lives. Every woman has the natural desire to love and give.
Sheri Dew states. “Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning. In the premortal world, when our Father described our role, I wonder if we didn’t stand in wide-eyed wonder that He would bless us with a sacred trust so central to His plan and that He would endow us with gifts so vital to the loving and leading of His children. I wonder if we shouted for joy at least in part because of the ennobling stature He gave us in His kingdom. The world won’t tell you that, but the Spirit will.”
This Christmas season may we all remember the joy of being who we are and the blessings we have been given. It is the time when our feelings are naturally turned to compassion and giving. All around us are those who need to be loved and comforted. Make this time of year a joyful one for everyone by using these feelings and intuitions that we as women naturally have. I truly feel we have been blessed with the best role in life.
Practice make Perfect...
The other day I ran into a friend who I haven’t seen in ages. While playing catch up about our children she commented on our eldest son who is doing a surgical residency. She asked, “And where is Scott practicing?” The way she pronounced practicing it sounded as if he was only practicing what he had learned. The word practice could take on a dual meaning depending upon the intonation of your voice, one referring to the medical profession as an occupation and the other as trying to do something. I had to chuckle thinking of my own misinterpretation of her vocal inflection while visualizing my son practicing surgery by trial and error. Not a good idea! My son did make the comment to me that when he walked into the first day of his surgical residency all the book learning in the world could not make up for his lack of experience in the hospital. Both are needed, the book learning for the foundation and the experience of applying gained knowledge.
The impression came to me later as I thought back on my friend’s question that, in fact, aren’t we all really practicing in some way or another what we have learned. How many times have I heard someone say, “I was too uptight with my older children” or “If I were to do it again, I would do it differently” or “I didn’t get it right until my younger ones came along”. Most often we learn by doing something over and over again. Error is an acceptable part of life. I see this in raising children. I am not a perfect parent. My children are not perfect children yet we love and encourage them to practice the principles that we teach until they become proficient in their tasks and assignments. Do we not learn from a book or example first and then practice what we learn? From every Gospel principle to skills around our home or at work we learn first from books and examples then move on to practice and experience.
As I look back at the different phases of life we all go through I recognize trial and error in every aspect. It is a pleasure to know that I have finished several phases of life and I can now watch my own children go though some of the same exact growth experiences that I went through. I’ve often wondered how much our Heavenly Father enjoys watching us? With a sense of humor He probably enjoys observing us as teenagers, knowing that the day will come when we will have teens going though the same experiences that we had a hard time with. But it is practice and experience that makes us better parents. We have been there! Can you imagine saying to your children? “Hey, go out and party…Sure, you can stay out all night…don’t worry about school! It’s boring anyway…etc.” We have gained an understanding of life through our own practicing and those experiences bring both an enlightenment and compassion into our parenting skills.
Your children inspire me as I hear of them practicing correct principles. It reminds me of the time when one of my boys came home from the junior prom. He related to me the sad tale of his friend who was ditched all night by his date. His friend, not knowing how to handle the situation being inexperienced (unpracticed) in this area, hung out with my son and his date most of the night. The three of them had a great time! The gratification in this story came at the last dance. My son’s date learned over to him and asked, “Would you mind if I danced with “John”? I feel so sorry for him.” Empathizing with the situation my son gladly agreed and the evening was somewhat saved for “John”. He recognized that someone understood his predicament and valued his well-being. This young lady should have a gold star put on her forehead! Somewhere along the line of practicing at life she was not only taught well but also practiced what she had been taught. The day will come when the young lady who ditched her date, will have children. Maybe she will then remember this incident and feel remorse for her actions, wanting her own child not to be treated in the manner she so long ago had treated her date. Both girls will have learned the same principle in totally different ways and at different times.
I marvel at the wisdom of our Father. “Practice Makes Perfect” is a true statement. I am just glad that we have been given the chance to try and try again until we get it right and a Father who understands that it might take several tries before we achieve success. He is more forgiving than we are when it comes to trial-and-error learning. Humm…being more forgiving… now that is one of His many characteristics we should all practice!
Perfect Balance
While watching TV of the summer Olympic games that took place in China. I enjoyed the bits of information given on Chinese cultural and customs. They mentioned their belief in the Ying Yang principle of balance and harmony that makes life evolve. I couldn’t help but compare the truth in this concept.
Wikapedia states: This Symbol (Yin-Yang) represents the ancient Chinese understanding of how things work. The outer circle represents "everything", while the black and white shapes within the circle represent the interaction of two energies, called "yin" (black) and "yang" (white), which cause everything to happen. They cannot exist without each other. The shape of the yin and yang sections of the symbol, actually gives you a sense of the continual movement of these two energies, yin to yang and yang to yin, causing everything to happen: just as things expand and contract, and temperature changes from hot to cold. ''The principle of Yin and Yang is the foundation of the entire universe. It underlies everything in creation. It brings about the development of parenthood. Each of them contains an element or seed of the other, and they cannot exist without each other. There is a small black round in white part and a white one in the black part. Two parts pass through each other on a line because yin and yang are never separated.
What a timely concept to consider. My friend shared a comment that her son-in-law wrote about his wife on their family blog, “I just wanted to write a couple of words and recognize the world’s greatest woman. She is the most amazing, beautiful, talented, lovable and fantastic woman in the world. When I think about our marriage/relationship, we just fit…perfectly!” That sounds to me like a great example of Yin-Yang.
Sheri Dew sates: “Satan understands the power of men and women united in righteousness. He is still stinging from his banishment into eternal exile after Michael led the hosts of heaven, comprised of valiant men and women united in the cause of Christ, against him. Satan seeks to confuse us about our stewardships and distinctive natures as men and women. He bombards us with bizarre messages about gender, marriage, family, and all male-female relationships. He would have us believe men and women are so alike that our unique gifts are not necessary, or so different we can never hope to understand each other. Neither is true.
Our Father knew exactly what He was doing when He created us. He made us enough alike to love each other, but enough different that we would need to unite our strengths and stewardships to create a whole. Neither man nor woman is perfect or complete without the other.” (Liahona, January 2002)
I remember my mother telling me that every family needed a boy and a girl to get the full impact of parenthood because with each gender comes a full array of different emotions and experiences. My oldest son who has five boys lives in a very masculine driven home yet his wife does a great job letting their sons feel her feminine influence. I once heard it said that without the characteristics of the nurturing and nesting traits of a wife and mother men would be existing like a life long boy scout outing…but can you imagine the hot bed of emotions if we lived in a world of femininity all the time? There is a perfect balance that comes with both genders working together and a harmony that comes with it. A perfect Ying-Yang example.
Our Greatest Gift
My husband and I ran into a business acquaintance the other day. He has been so determined to be successful in his career that he has obsessively spent every moment of every day working on his “Magnum Opus”. The project is near completion after almost fifteen years of intense focus. While meeting with him we got on a personal level asking about his family. His countenance changed from excitement over his project to hollow tones in his voice. He then told us that his wife had left him and had filed for divorce. His children would now be torn between two estranged parents. We were sad to hear the news because we have known the family for so long. The focus to create a gift for society came with the price of losing his family. His “Magnum Opus” that cost him so much eternally will not even be known a generation from now.
I couldn’t help but think of another visit we made the week prior to a very busy household consisting of mom, dad and five little boys. Yes, it was noisy and busy but filled with love. The disciplined household was involved with music lessons, homework, sporting events attended by mom and dad where children were cheered on and finally all were tucked into bed and kissed goodnight by two tired parents. They work as a team to accomplish the greater achievement…raising a good family in unity and togetherness. This powerful parental gift of love translates into a strong family unit that becomes the most powerful gift to society.
There is a painting by artist James Christensen that I love entitled “Hold to the Rod, the Iron Rod”. It pictures a little man dressed in fine apparel whose hands and arms are filled with everything that life offers us. He is holding accounting books, educational degrees, money, numerous keys and packages portraying material things. He is forlornly gazing up at the Iron Rod directly above his head but because his arms are so full of all the worldly gifts of which he obviously cannot let go, there is no way to reach or grab hold of it.
What really is our greatest gift? I have thought much this month about the time we expend into things of this world that really won’t matter in the eternities. Shopping, looking through magazines, surfing the internet, playing computer games and the list could go on and on. Unfortunately we all know the list too well. In spite of the immaculately kept garden we might tend, I’ve never ever heard of one plant, leaf or tree that would come to your bedside if you were in the hospital regardless of the pleasure you derive from looking and working in it. It’s not that such an endeavor can’t provide pleasure and enjoyment, but if done at the expense of one’s family what have we really gained? Whether a garden, football, automobiles or whatever other pursuit we focus on, if we are out of balance with eternity, it may all be for naught. Our families are most important and our relationship we have with them. Families are forever not to overuse the common phrase.
I hope this Christmas season you look closely at those gathered around you, ward members, friends and most importantly family. It is not the gift purchased at a store that brings lasting joy. It is the gift of family and our association with friends. It is laughter, caring, giving of self and loving others. Cherish those feelings of enveloping every one of them into a big group hug. This is our greatest gift
New Beginnings
I was reminded the other day how differently girls and boys internalize knowledge and how they both can learn the same principle but from completely different perspectives. My son who is serving in a bishopric called home excited to share with me his experience of attending a New Beginnings program for the young women in his ward.
“Mom,” he said, “what an uplifting meeting that was! Does the whole church do this or is it just something my ward does?” I teasingly reminded him that I had served in the Young Women’s program through all his teen years and we had discussed “New Beginnings” as he drove me to several of these programs so he could use my car to go play church basketball with his Young Men’s quorum. We had a good laugh as he questioned where he had been in life to not catch on to events around him. That is a whole other topic!
I jokingly said to him, tongue in cheek that girls focus on spiritual experiences in the Young Women’s program. It centers on teaching them to feel the spirit because their greatest responsibility will be to raise up the next righteous generation and set a gospel tone in their future homes. “They”, I said, “have more to do than play basketball and go on campouts to prepare them for their duties which lie ahead.”
“What,” he interjected, “you don’t think we had spiritual experiences in scouting? Did I ever tell you about the time we were camping and Jason threw a can of hairspray he took from his mom’s bathroom into the fire while the adult leaders were listening to the Lakers game on the car radio. We boys prayed all the way as we ran back into the woods that we wouldn’t get killed by the explosion. Look, it worked we are all adults now. That was a spiritual experience!”
“Or, what about another campout when Brent blew up a huge brown paper bag with air, tied a string around the top then threw it into the fire. Weren’t we surprised when the bag lifted into the air about twenty feet and started floating over all those dry pine trees while it was burning? You can bet as we ran beneath that fiery, floating bag for the next eternal minutes, we prayed like we’ve never prayed before that our scoutmaster wouldn’t make us clean the latrines and the whole camp by ourselves. Assuming, or course, there was a camp that didn’t burn down. That was not only a spiritual experience but a learning one as well.”
There were many more “spiritual experience moments” my son related that we laughed about. I found myself in the next few days thinking of those experiences and where my sons are today. I truly have an appreciation for those programs and the experiences provided that taught them to be adventurous, to climb that next tall mountain, to be challenged, to accomplish their goals and yes to pray for guidance when they were confronted by serious problems or lost in the mountains with their adult leaders.
Even all the basketball they played taught them the positions (and responsibilities) of guard, forward, center, to be a team player, to understand offense and defense, and most importantly to be a good sport whether losing and winning. They learned discipline, endurance, patience and teamwork. All these principles were gained in the Young Men’s program and prepared them for life. Like the young women, their main responsibility also will be to train the next generation and set not only a spiritual but a leadership tone in their future homes.
Although there is a division between how young men and young women internalize principles, this difference actually compliments each other. Both genders learn concepts and ideals in their own way that they will need in life. These differences with each other makes them a balanced and well rounded team to work together in their homes.
With a New Year rolling in set a goal in your families for your teens to be active in the program that is designed with their spiritual and social development in mind... the Young Men’s and Young Women’s programs. It is there to assist you in raising the bar in your homes.
Looking Beyond The Moment
This time of year always brings to mind “the law of the harvest” concept. As a young child I remember every spring planting seeds in our freshly tilled garden. A short time later came the never ending mornings when my father would wake us early to weed those long rows before the sun was too hot overhead. I recall his words as I pulled the wrong plant out of the ground thinking it was a weed. Again as I was complaining I remember my Dad telling me about the rewards yet to come and that I needed to look beyond this moment’s unpleasantness. Finally, I remember watching as our labor began to show forth from all the hard work. Little did I know that this lesson in our garden would help me become a better mother teaching me to understand that rewards, worth working for, will be in the future. Looking beyond the moment gives us the foresight to handle the incidents and trials of today.
What we accomplish by raising our family is much larger than the individual moments we are involved in. It goes beyond the clutter in the room, the myriad of dishes in the sink, the laundry by the washing machine, the undone homework that causes us to lose our temper, the anger felt when your child’s coach doesn’t see their value like you do or just the daily frustrations of life. Our accomplishments in raising our children, who have been entrusted into our care, are all about their development as a child of God and the relationships between each other that will last for eternity.
Looking beyond the moment you visualize your child, seeing their potential in years to come giving you insight on how to handle each situation in a controlled, loving manner. Our children react to the way we respond to them. Understanding their present maturity level can put their behavior into perspective. A two-year-old acts differently than a twelve-year-old and teenagers bring a whole new set of behavioral patterns to the dynamics of the family. Keep in mind that a family goes through stages just as children do. I remember in times past telling my family that all I wanted for my birthday was a clean, quiet house. With my home full of children that was just not going to happen. The stage my large, young family was in just meant that clutter and lots of chatter was going to be a part of life Now as I enjoy my relatively clean, quiet home I see how looking beyond the moment would have given me more realistic expectations of my children and less frustration in my life
As women we too are in different stages of personal development. I’m sure you have heard the cliché of being a late bloomer. We all develop differently in our own personal characteristics. At times it feels like a juggling act with three different balls, spiritual, emotional and mental, but if we take what life deals us and look beyond the moment we can see ourselves as we want to be. The key is not being caught up in the daily routine and keeping the long range in view while working daily on the little things. This vision will help us become that person with the characteristics of that great mother we all want to be.
One other lesson that I observed from our garden as a child was with the tomato plant. The small tomatoes would first develop as little green balls, growing in size and changing colors until maturing to a deep, sweet red. I learned to know when each was ripe for picking but if I grew impatient and picked one too early, somehow it never tasted as good as if it had fully ripened on the vine. I learned to watch and be ready for the right time to harvest it. Our children are the same way. Sometimes we want now what they are not ready to give or be. When pressure is applied they miss some of the ripening process that will make them reach their optimum potential. Looking beyond the moment and letting our children develop at their own pace in an understanding environment helps bring the eternal results of love and harmony that we all desire to harvest.
Friday
Letting a Child Win
You have heard the phrase, “Life is the best teacher.” I just think it’s ironic that no matter how old I get, I keep making discoveries that could have helped me years before. My younger children, I hope, will benefit from my newly found insights.
Every week I visit an elderly lady living in a convalescent home. Over the last year I have watched this very alert woman digress from extremely active and being in control of her life to being very dependant on others for even the most basic routines of living. Her mind is still very sharp but I can see that she is losing control in making the simplest of decisions concerning her life. More significantly her personality has changed from “pleasant to be around” to “cantankerous, rebellious and suspicious of everyone.” On my way home after a frustrating visit with her as I witnessed this evolution in her behavior and attitude, the thought went through my mind, “She is acting just like a teenager.”
The light came on! I wondered if the ability to make your own decisions about life has something to do with attitude and rebellion? I’m sure other variables enter in but my own experience and hindsight suggest that being in control of one’s life is a major element in shaping one’s attitudes. Making the correct choices is the other element.
Freedom to make one’s choices, or exercising one’s agency, has some risks and when your child says to you, “It’s my life and I can make my own decision,” your molding days are basically over. They are speaking the truth. They can choose for themselves but what they may not understand, but soon will, is that the consequences of those choices are also theirs to have. We have freedom of choice but not freedom from choice. We must live with the results of the choices we make.
Mothers are the ones who can guide a child’s ability to learn the skill of choosing wisely. A visiting teacher gave me some great advice when I was a new mother. I’ll pass that advice on to you.
- Let you child win sometime. Determine the priority and importance of choices and let them make the decisions on those of lower priority. What shirt to wear is different than the choice of attending early-morning seminary. By the time they grow up their ability to correctly make hard decision swill increase. It is the small, correct choices that a child makes which lays the foundation for larger, more important decisions.
- Surround your child with good choices. I have learned to always provide two positive alternatives, for example, “Would you like to take piano lessons or play a sport this year?” Then, let them choose! But once their choice is made help them follow through, praising their choice and encouraging them forward continually. Their choice should involve two positive alternatives that you would like them to do. As a child gets older more alternatives should open up to them, not more restrictions. The smaller, more restricted their world becomes, the stronger the need to break out and be in control.
- Let your child know that you trust their decisions and praise them when they make good choices. This builds confidence in their ability to choose correctly between good and bad, right and wrong. Never underestimate the power of a mother’s approval. We all want to know when we have done well and even today I want my mother to be proud of my life.
- Let them also feel the consequences of their bad choices. Don’t helicopter in to rescue them from every crisis. If they choose not to do their homework let them feel the pressure from the teacher or the resulting bad grade. Don’t make excuses for them as it only reinforces their bad choices.
- Last and most importantly turn those unwanted choices to the positive. This little phrase will be a lifesaver to you. “You don’t have to, you get to!” Then tell them why they get to. Going to church is a lot more fun if they get to go rather than if they have to go.
The skill of making correct choices is learned. Agency does have risk but with communication, trust and unconditional love we all will win.
Let Them Go
I thought about this day several years ago as I held my last newborn in my arms but I didn’t realize it would be in here in the blink of an eye. I’ve sent my two youngest away this past month, one on a mission to Japan which is a whole different emotion and the other off to BYU – Provo. As hard as it is on me to stop mothering I know their desire to leave home is a natural process. If they don’t, they will end up pushing away and resenting the fact that they are still at home. So the old oxymoron phrase takes on a more significant meaning, “To keep them, you have to let them go.” It really is too bad because after their high school and teenage years you start to like them again and enjoy their company.
As the bitter sweet drive to Utah began it was fun hearing the conversation between my son and daughter. They have always been best friends and the last minute advice, older sibling to younger sibling, was taking place. Sitting in the front seat I marveled at the mature advice being given on how to succeed in college from someone who just a year ago was heading in the same direction with no experience at all. This made me realize that the best learning experience one can receive is just that…experiencing it yourself. I don’t know how much of the advice given she will retain but I hope that she will be able to recall his advice as the first year away from home progresses and as situations arise.
First he gave the practical advice…1) Always study in the library, not in your apartment. Keep your apartment as a fun place to relax, to maintain a balance. 2) Books first, socializing second. 3) Don’t procrastinate assignments, keep up on your reading and know your assignment deadlines. 4) Budget your time and think of school as a job. When you are there, be there mentally; schedule in both study and free time. 5) Don’t be intimidated by others’ accomplishments; you are at that university because of who you are. There are always going to be those who have accomplished more. Remember that those you are comparing yourself to may have had only 60 in their graduating class compared to your 750. 6) Seek others who bring out the best in you and those you would like to emulate. 7) Take a fun class each semester. 8) Keep you standards high and obey the rules of the university. 9) Develop self, talents and personality. 10) Have fun!
I had to turn around to see if that was really my child in the back seat who had only been away from home one year! It was! Maybe I should have sent him away earlier. His counsel verified that life is often the best teacher because if he had stayed home with me he never would have learned that wisdom. I would still be mothering him today.
Then he gave additional insight that I found even more profound. 1) People love to feel important. No one likes to be alone so make everyone around you feel that they are special. 2) Think positive thoughts. What you say to yourself determines your outcome. 3) Don’t just pray for good test results…you need to study hard for them too. 4) Respect what others respect. It tells them that you care about what is important to them. 5) Never openly criticize. Use the phrase, “Have you thought about it this way?” 6) Learn to be happy alone; do things on your own. Everyone has their own schedule. You can’t have friends do everything with you because they are going their own way also. 7) If you do not like someone it’s because you have made up a reason not to like them. So make up a reason to like them.
I couldn’t help but think to myself, “If that much insight was gained in only one year away from home just think what two years on a mission will bring with the Lord being his tutor!” He did a much better job at advising his sister than I ever could have done. His counsel only reinforced what he learned in his own mind. I didn’t have to say another word as he had said it all. Those principles he had just counseled his sister with he will also use on his mission. My only advice to them was a quote I heard several years ago and can’t remember the source so who ever said it, thank you. It goes like this, “Work without vision is drudgery; vision without work is dreaming; work plus vision is success.” That quote sums it all up, even for us mothers who are left behind beginning a new life while we let our children go.
If I Had Only Known
How many times have we asked ourselves the question, “If possible, would I go back to my youth and live it over again? What would I do differently?” I have learned the secret to a happy life is to live your life with no regrets, doing what you should do at the time in your life you should be doing it. I have seen too many sad moments of... “I should have done…” In fact, the best reason for doing things right today, is simply because there is a tomorrow.
As my 19 year old prepares for his mission I have thought several times this past month how blessed these young people are to have an opportunity of serving so unselfishly for two years for our Father in Heaven. This opportunity window is small; the time for preparation has passed when they reach this age. Hopefully we mothers have prepared them to take advantage of this blessing in their life. This service brings understanding and knowledge about living on an accelerated scale. The missionary experience gives them a jump start not only on a gospel level but on living life while developing personal interaction with people plus the benefit of self development. These are the blessing that comes from two years of service to others. Any mother who discourages her child from going on a mission because of her desire to keep him close will someday be saying. “If I had only known then what I know now, I would have encouraged him to go.”
I was impressed with the New Era, March 2007 issue. It is all about missionary preparation. Not only should every young man and young woman read it but anyone who wants to improve their own life and commitment to the gospel. The issue has a spirit about it that will give you the desire to “raise the bar” in your own life. The sub-title is: Missionary Preparation...Get Ready To Serve. Is that not talking to all of us?
One article that inspired me was entitled “If I Had Known at 19…” Four points were mentioned that I keep finding myself pondering. They are: 1). I would make it my second highest priority to love my companion. 2) I would look for miracles. In fact, I would expect them. 3) I would work smarter and harder. 4) I would not let rejection and failure discourage me.
- To me these four points of advice are appropriate for any phase of life we are in. Setting your priority to love your companion would solve many of the problems that we have in our marriages and family. Our children too are our companions in this life.
- Looking for miracles, in fact, expecting them would make us all more aware of the spirit that really does guide us in our lives if we let it. Miracles do happen to us all the time.
- Working smarter and harder would help us with time management to allow us time to serve others and to stop dwelling on the petty self-centered concerns of our own lives.
- Finally...not letting rejection and failure discourage us would help us remember that we are all in the process of becoming...striving...to be better. Discouragement in rejection and failure is the tool used to keep us not wanting to improve or reach out to others.
I encourage everyone to read this New Era issue cover to cover...Why should the youth be the only ones blessed with these insights? Aren’t we all young in the eternal aspect of life? We all can begin by making changes in our own life and that of our children. Try to avoid a life filled with… “If I had only known.” Live a life that reflects… “I’m happy I knew!”
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