What Motherhood Taught Me: Letting a Child Win

You have heard the phrase, “Life is the best teacher.” I just think it’s ironic that no matter how old I get, I keep making discoveries that could have helped me years before. My younger children, I hope, will benefit from my newly found insights.

Every week I visit an elderly lady living in a convalescent home. Over the last year I have watched this very alert woman digress from extremely active and being in control of her life to being very dependant on others for even the most basic routines of living. Her mind is still very sharp but I can see that she is losing control in making the simplest of decisions concerning her life. More significantly her personality has changed from “pleasant to be around” to “cantankerous, rebellious and suspicious of everyone.” On my way home after a frustrating visit with her as I witnessed this evolution in her behavior and attitude, the thought went through my mind, “She is acting just like a teenager.”

The light came on! I wondered if the ability to make your own decisions about life has something to do with attitude and rebellion? I’m sure other variables enter in but my own experience and hindsight suggest that being in control of one’s life is a major element in shaping one’s attitudes. Making the correct choices is the other element.

Freedom to make one’s choices, or exercising one’s agency, has some risks and when your child says to you, “It’s my life and I can make my own decision,” your molding days are basically over. They are speaking the truth. They can choose for themselves but what they may not understand, but soon will, is that the consequences of those choices are also theirs to have. We have freedom of choice but not freedom from choice. We must live with the results of the choices we make.

Mothers are the ones who can guide a child’s ability to learn the skill of choosing wisely. A visiting teacher gave me some great advice when I was a new mother. I’ll pass that advice on to you.

Let you child win sometime. Determine the priority and importance of choices and let them make the decisions on those of lower priority. What shirt to wear is different than the choice of attending early-morning seminary. By the time they grow up their ability to correctly make hard decision swill increase. It is the small, correct choices that a child makes which lays the foundation for larger, more important decisions.
Surround your child with good choices. I have learned to always provide two positive alternatives, for example, “Would you like to take piano lessons or play a sport this year?” Then, let them choose! But once their choice is made help them follow through, praising their choice and encouraging them forward continually. Their choice should involve two positive alternatives that you would like them to do. As a child gets older more alternatives should open up to them, not more restrictions. The smaller, more restricted their world becomes, the stronger the need to break out and be in control.
Let your child know that you trust their decisions and praise them when they make good choices. This builds confidence in their ability to choose correctly between good and bad, right and wrong. Never underestimate the power of a mother’s approval. We all want to know when we have done well and even today I want my mother to be proud of my life.
Let them also feel the consequences of their bad choices. Don’t helicopter in to rescue them from every crisis. If they choose not to do their homework let them feel the pressure from the teacher or the resulting bad grade. Don’t make excuses for them as it only reinforces their bad choices.
Last and most importantly turn those unwanted choices to the positive. This little phrase will be a lifesaver to you. “You don’t have to, you get to!” Then tell them why they get to. Going to church is a lot more fun if they get to go rather than if they have to go.