Confidence in Being Alone

I remember several years ago one of my children came into the kitchen and said, “Mom, I just want a best friend!”  What a way to begin a conversation!  I was so shocked by the comment that I stopped what I was doing and slowly turned to analyze the expression on my child’s face to see if it was a joke.  This was my most confident child speaking. This sincerely expressed feeling opened up a great teaching moment.

Talking through these feelings of being alone while surrounded by people and friends has given me reason to ponder what it is in our character development that makes us all feel this way.  There is a need to want to have a best friend, to belong to someone… but real growth comes when we can feel confident as an individual.

I was reminded of this experience when my daughter at college called and asked a similar question. “Why is it that I feel lonely at times with all these people around me?” It was if a light bulb went on and my eyes were opened to the feelings that can be a girl’s best friend or worst enemy. It is the need to belong and be with someone.

The dangers in those emotions come when you don’t recognize them and do not know how to cope with them because of youth or inexperience.  For example, it is dangerous for a young girl in high school who just wants to belong to someone, or needs someone to be with her all the time so that she can feel whole. It is dangerous if she seeks acceptance from a boy and detrimental if she seeks approval from other girls who do not have the standards we as mothers want her to maintain.  It is difficult not to be deceived by these emotions as they blur vision of who you are as an individual. How wise the girl is who feels comfortable and happy in being an individual and not needing approval or acceptance from someone else in all her daily routines.

I noticed while going to stake dances as a leader that girls always traveled in packs. A mass of girls went to the restroom together, to the dessert table together or just traveled around the dance floor together. There was confidence and a safety found in numbers.  As the years go on the confidence in being alone needs to develop. Trusting your own worth as an individual and assurance in your own choices and decisions is essential. A confidence needs to develop in our personality that allows us to be happy alone, self-confidant, and someone who doesn’t need a friend to agree and validate all decisions and actions.  Then and only then are you ready for a marriage relationship because once you are comfortable as an individual you are ready to be equal in a partner relationship. Partner to me means equal on the same emotional level.  Isn’t it ironic that you must gain confidence in being alone before you are really ready to belong to someone? These feelings of wanting to belong are given to us for a reason; it promotes the desire and drive to be married.

My daughter helped me understand; it was like de ja vu. I had these same feelings while I was in college! I knew exactly what she was struggling with and now recognized why she feels this way. Drawing upon my own experience with added years of wisdom I can now help her understand these emotions. With every trial in our lives there is an opportunity. Her trial that she faces now are these feelings of being alone… the opportunity comes in recognizing them and using them to her advantage in becoming an individual of confidence in her own abilities.  Becoming like others is not the answer nor is always being with someone. The quest is to find happiness, security and confidence in her own identity.

A wise visiting teacher once advised me regarding this very concept… “We will one day all be alone.  We must gain confidence and strive to develop the personal self that we like being with.”