Our sixth child is getting married this month and once again we are experiencing the beginning of a new family unit in embryo. It is a pleasure to sit back and watch as they make their first decisions together. Arrangements surrounding the event are planned such as choosing a ring, date and place for the wedding, colors for the reception and style of invitations. Together they decide who is paying for what and where the money is coming from to cover the expenses. They must find an apartment they both agree on and what they can afford. These decisions may seem small to us but they are monumental to a couple who previously had only made decisions involving their own personal interests, not a family unit, also prior to this their parents had freely contributed not only their ideas but maybe even mandated certain conditions and restrictions.
The young couple in trying to take these first important steps together may be surrounded by parents and family who might be experiencing the challenge of letting them go. Not only is the couple trying to move forward transitionally to be on their own but the parents have to transition also and this is where problems tend to arise. How often have you heard a bride or her mother say that the tension between the two of them was at its highest just preceding the wedding? Can a better awareness and understanding of this growing up process help us as parents to allow them make these decisions on their own? These first months are the beginning baby steps of married life as they learn to work and plan together.
I was so impressed with the Church’s worldwide training broadcast we attended in February 2008. The panel discussion was pivotal in reviewing issues that are pertinent in today’s family. As they were discussing the union of a couple and how “a man should leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Gen 2;24), the importance of those words reverberated in my mind. That admonition is the key to helping your child (now your two children) have a successful marriage and may even bring them closer to you. Its application is the challenging step not only because we have been helping them make every decision since childhood but because they have been wanting both our nurturing and advice since birth as well as seeking our approval on what they do. This is a major adjustment for everyone.
First, just think what would happen if you disapproved of their initial plans regardless of how simple and minor they are or if you always must have your way in what is being decided. Of course your opinion is important and they also should consider your concerns but more importantly it is your response that sets a tone on their making these first decisions as a young couple.
In the book, True to the Faith, pg. 100 it states, “Be loyal to one another. Be faithful to your marriage covenants in thought, word and deed. Remember that the Lord has said, ‘Thou shalt love they wife with all they heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.’ (D&C 42:22). The phrase “none else” teaches that no person, activity or possession should ever take precedence over your relationship with your spouse.”
The other admonition is to “honor your parents”. That tells me that a parent needs to step back and let the new family unit begin. How wise parents are that guide with love, embrace the new in-law as one of their own, never seek to talk only to your own child or to give advice only to one. Wisdom tells us to never speak ill of the marriage choice and embrace the differences with acceptance; wise parents let the couple make their own decisions while the parents sit back and have joy and rejoicing in their children. More importantly parents are wise when they let their child move on because in the “going” there is a coming back that brings a greater reward and joy than hanging on to them.
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