Rebellion in the Ranks

Someone commented on my monthly articles observing, “I see you never write about wayward children because you’ve never experienced that.” I have often reflected on her comment … having a large family we have experienced numerous challenges. We often hear, “life is the best teacher” and it is. I have come to realize you can also learn the lessons of life without going to the extreme depth of any experience.  Every child rebels at varies levels and degrees. The principles a parent applies in dealing with wayward behaviors are the same regardless of the degree. Not one family is exempt from rebellion in the ranks, only the degree of rebellion.

Our family’s goal early on was to have all our sons and daughters serve missions. To date seven have or are serving missions and our last daughter is preparing.  Each missionary has spoken a different language, adjusted to different customs and worked under different mission presidents who had their own leadership style and attitudes on the work.   Their missions were totally different from one another in circumstances and challenges but the point is all my children returned home with the same results, having gained stronger testimonies, tolerance for others and a love for the people they served.  Further they all came home ready to get on with their lives in a productive way. They achieved the same knowledge even though they all served in different countries with different companions, mission presidents and cultures. This made me realize we don’t need to personally experience the exact same circumstances to gain understanding and compassion for what others go through. 

A friend telephoned me complaining about her young son’s annoying behavior. His speech was always negative, disagreeable and his behavior towards those of lesser physical stature was just short of being a bully. What is the reason for his behavior? What does he really need?  These are the probing questions a parent should consider when analyzing negative behavior as opposed to merely receiving advice to “Hold onto your hats and enjoy the ride.”  In reality the way a parent handles each circumstance of their children will set the foundation and precedent for them either to continue in that behavior or to alter and modify their behavior into their teens and adult life.

Great advice I once received was to “act, don’t react.” Try to understand what your children want from you and why. Then treat the cause of that behavior not the behavior itself.  I know this is theory but the principles are always the same.  Rebellion does not start when one becomes a teenager because behavior is a learned habit and begins as a toddler.   The challenging role of motherhood requires molding young personalities to develop positive attitudes and attributes, this is not an easy task and requires years of effort…what is easy is having a career and going to work everyday.  I admire you young mothers who are choosing the more difficult yet more rewarding path.

I know these thoughts may not be comforting to those whose children are at a deeper level of rebellion but the gospel gives each of us hope.  Joseph Smith remarked, “When a seal is put upon the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost, but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their father and mother.” He also stated, “Our Heavenly Father is more liberal in His views, and boundless in His mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive.” The temple blessings that we are all entitled to are the binding ties that will save our families.  Because of Jesus Christ, the sins of this generation can be taken away and this gives us knowledge that our children will be not only forgiven but also saved.  Never lose hope in that reality and gift.  As parents we may not feel we can influence the inner thoughts of our children but we can direct our own thoughts and actions.  We need to live the gospel the best we can and show the unconditional love that our Savior demonstrated through his example. 

You don’t need to have a rebellious child to gain what the Savior has sent us here to learn as we each are serving a different mission so to speak. But for those parents who are challenged with extremely rebellious children we learn from and admire you as you show unconditional love. We gain compassion and understanding from you. Our admiration may never take the sting away or give you comfort especially when the crowds are gone, the doors are shut and you are left alone with your concerns but the example you are teaching all of us about being the parents the Lord desires is exemplary. For that I say thank you for being the way you are and for teaching us how to be Christ like.