A New Best Friend

Our book club recently selected Homeless Bird by Gloria Whelan.  Considered children’s literature, it is a wonderful book about India, its culture and customs.  Though the setting takes place in our day, the computer age, as you read it, the story seems to be of another era.  It details the custom of arranged marriages and the traditional role of a bride living in the home of her husband’s parents. You instantly relate to this young 14 year old girl who finds herself in a very difficult situation.  Within a month her husband dies and custom does not allow her to return home because it would shame the family. She finds herself emotionally alone and living with her mother-in-law who treats her unkindly.  As our book club discussed this circumstance everyone had their own story and advice on daughters-in-law and the inherent family dynamics.  The thought went through my mind how interesting it is that life takes us all full circle.  What we once feared about the future, we soon find ourselves in that feared role. I am talking about mothers-in-law.

As a young girl I heard so many derogatory stories whispered about mothers-in-law. The unknown always brings some degree of anxiety and uncertainty. I am glad to say all my fears were in vain because I had the best mother-in-law that anyone could ever want.  I have often thought about what she taught me and how she helped me understand my husband.  In reality she knew him better than I did. Her example as a mother taught me how to be one. She thought my children were perfect even when I was frustrated with them. Her advice and serenity helped me see life from the right perspective, as a time and a season for all things.  Looking back my gratitude for her is immeasurable.  But here comes the full circle twist.  I am now in the role I feared… a mother-in-law and it makes me wonder how she felt about me. Was I the kind of wife she had hoped for her son?  

It is not until we are living the role that life teaches us. Now I’m the mother-in-law and can see how I could have been a better daughter-in-law and how some of my worries towards her were unfounded. Our female nature tends to make us protective over what we think is ours. Hindsight has taught me that there was no competition for my husband’s attentions.  My mother-in-law understood that I was his wife and his loyalties were to me before her. She was in actuality glad that he was moving on and taking the responsibility of a family.  I remember one time she said to me, “I don’t want to hear about your problems, only your joys.” She did not want to own our problems. I now understand her feelings of relief as she abandoned her daily worrying about her son and his choices.  I had come into her life to continue where she left off, almost as if the baton had been passed in the relay race. He had moved beyond his mother’s influence and needed a helpmate to continue his progression though life. I now see this as normal development in maturing.

In hindsight I should have been more willing to become her friend, ask her advice and opinion, learn what she had to teach about life and family and raising children and especially how to understand my husband more.  If I had it to do over I would have involved her more in my children’s life.  Who else really loves your children has much as you do…only their grandmother. I would have called her more on the phone just to chat and gotten involved with her activities and interests.  In hindsight I would have become better friends with her.  She has her grandchildren’s best interests at heart and can view life more objectively.  Instead of thinking of her as someone who wanted to rule over our new household and relationship I would have thought of her as a resource and a friend.

Now in the role of mother-in-law I remind myself of those thoughts I once had.  They have helped me respond to my own daughters-in-law and their thoughts and fears of me. There are two kinds of challenges in life…one you overcome such as a bad habit or personality flaw while the other challenge is one you work toward. The latter is the more enjoyable of the two because in the wanting to obtain something, you do all you can to achieve it. None of us is perfect. We are all a work in progress but the relationship you can have with your daughter-in-law is one of those challenges that can be fun and obtainable.

How grateful I am for my own daughters-in-law who have taken my sons and are making them better people because of their own personalities and willingness to be their helpmate. As my mother-in-law displayed, we have to allow our children to put their marriage partner before their parents. I have heard the expression, “To keep them you must let them go,” but in this case the best part about letting them go is what you get in return.  You gain a new daughter and when that friendship is kindled she becomes someone you may very well relate better to than your own son.  The bonus of letting go provides you with a new daughter and new best friend.  Besides, you now have someone to go shopping with and someone you can talk to about decorating your home.  That is probably something your son never did!