tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27281910025385626242024-03-12T16:25:01.528-07:00What Motherhood Taught MeLife's Lessons I Have Learned By Accident Because I Had Children On Purpose!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger90125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-26370790929357098272010-07-09T19:03:00.000-07:002010-07-09T19:06:09.752-07:00It Takes a VillageWe just took our daughter to the Mission Training Center in Provo, Utah. She is the last of our eight children to go on a mission. As we pulled into the facility the volunteer directing traffic pointed the way for us to go to unload her luggage and say our goodbyes. As we drove down the lane several newly arrived Elders were already there waiting to go in. As we pulled to the curb and opened the back of our car a seasoned Elder approached us. After warm greetings of welcome he asked her these questions … “Do you have a cell phone or computer?” “No, those were given to my brother.” “Did you bring your Immunization record?” “Yes, here it is.” His companion then took her suitcase while she carried her violin and off she went in her (longer than normal) red skirt and a smile on her face with anticipation of a wonderful experience that was awaiting her. I realized the tears I felt starting to surface were not for her as I would not have my daughter anywhere else in the world. The emotion I felt was for me because this event was the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. <br /><br />Just a half hour before this experience as we were driving to the MTC we drove by an apartment building for students. As we passed it our daughter mentioned how this peculiar complex had a bad reputation. The young adults who live in the complex work or attend various schools in the area and choose to live there because of the fun and party atmosphere. No code of conduct is enforced. Imagine children being left unattended in a candy store with no rules or regulations letting their desires dictate their behavior. Compare that with what goes on when we are older without rules and boundaries. <br /><br />We had a great discussion on rules and how boundaries need to be set for a happy life. We all do better when we know our limits. Who sets these guidelines of conduct that we follow? Parents, society, school, friends… they all have different levels and opinions of what is good and right or what brings happiness? Who do we follow? We all have a tendency to find the boundary line. With our “natural man” instinct, we push the envelope until we are told to stop. That is how a child learns behavior. In child rearing we allow our children to behave to the limit of our tolerance. If we have no rules about not jumping on the furniture…it’s a guarantee that your furniture will be jumped on. Rules and limits are needed.<br /><br />As our children grow they seem to gravitate toward friends who share the same standards they want to live. I have seen enough of life to see what happens when a child does not have rules and punishment to fit those rules when broken. I’ve seen teens whose parents desired them to be popular and allowed the gospel standards to be relaxed. Some adults knowingly choose to “live in the world.” They break rules both morally and socially and ultimately end up with a false sense of happiness. I felt thankful for the bounds in which my daughter would be living the next 18 months in this formative time of her life. I know they will only bring her happiness and joy if she is obedient to them. <br /><br />One of my sons was telling me about an old high school friend. He is not a member of the church and his life had gone a totally different path. No children and living with someone without marriage. It was interesting to contemplate how different his life would be if he had the gospel in his life to set a path for him. We cannot judge others if they don’t have our values but what we can do is follow the admonitions given to us that will bring true happiness and hopefully others will see that there is a better way to live.<br /><br />As I watched our daughter walk away I was so grateful for the rules and guidelines she has been living for the past several years. I thought of the Strength of Youth pamphlet she received when she turned 12. She read it often and her Young Women leaders and Bishop quoted it regularly. I am grateful for her choice of a University that has an honor code and the teachings of the gospel that have brought her to this point in her decision making process. I realize also that she chose her path because of others around her.<br /><br />I truly am grateful for the gospel standards and all the help I received while raising my children. Leaders reinforced the bounds that I taught. Gratitude for friends who lived within those bounds and family who helped each other make correct decision by word, action and example. I may have eight children who all went on missions but I will be the first one to say… we did not accomplish this alone. It takes a village to raise a child. We just chose the right village to live in.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-17626977153895709492010-07-02T08:39:00.000-07:002010-07-02T08:41:26.257-07:00Spacious BuildingWe attended the wedding of our nephew in the temple this past week. As we were in the dressing room the temple worker in charge of the brides asked us if we would like to see the bride’s dressing room. We, of course, said yes and off we went. It was beautiful and I could not think of a more fitting room in which to get dressed for your wedding. She showed us all the clothing they had if the bride’s dress was not temple appropriate. I thought back on my own daughter who had a cap sleeve on her wedding dress and she was ok with wearing a longer sleeved tee under her dress. I ask the temple matron if this was done often and she said that it was just because the style of today was with cap sleeves. Her next commented surprised me. She stated that it was the mother of the bride who usually got upset when they were told that the daughter needed to wear the tee under the dress. I would think it would be the daughter but she assured me that it was usually the mother who did the complaining. <br /><br />The influence of the mother is so valuable to set a tone of spirituality and obedience. I wonder at this valuable crossroad in these young brides life what attitudes they have learned and will remember as they pass down to their daughters this same example?<br /><br />Our daughter and her four young children have been visiting us for a couple of weeks. I watch her has she mothers her children. It is very de javu as I hear here talk to her children while I listen from the other room. She has the same tone of voice that I do and while she is talking and disciplining her children I can hear myself from a time past and remember my days while my children were young. I see the power of influence not only in what we say but also what we do as mothers. Those attitudes and behaviors are passed on for generations. <br /><br />We live in this world today that has so many conflicting influences telling us how we should be. What can we do to keep our homes safe from those worldly attitudes that say it’s ok to be like the world and to be what you want to be? I don’t have to lecture about the influence of the television, Internet, music and printed media. We all know the bad and the good that it has to offer us. We just need to learn how to separate the messages of how we should live and apply the ones that lead us closer to our eternal goals. <br /><br />I can’t help but think of the vision of the iron rod and the great and spacious building that we are trying to avoid and the river flowing beside it as we try to avoid the pitfalls of the world. Everything is so separate in the dream. The building has its place; the river has its place; the iron rod is there in the middle and if we hold tight to it our journey leads to the tree of life. Somehow that picture is a little different today. We live in times when the iron rod may be in the same place but the filthy river has waves that are rolling over the trail as we hang on for dear life to the iron rod. The large and spacious building has traveled to surround the iron rod. It is no longer separate but we are holding to the rod as it travels through that great and spacious building. The worldly things are surrounding us on every side. In our day we don’t have to go into the great and spacious building; the building has come into our homes via television, computers and media. You don’t go to it anymore…. It has come to you. <br /><br />The line, “live in the world but not be of the world,” bring on real meaning. We must guard our homes! As the spacious building is swarming all around us the iron rod must be griped tightly with both hands. Our behavior must not be divided nor can we look back at the things of the world we want to hang onto. We can’t be a modern “Lot’s wife” who longingly looked back at the world she was leaving behind and was turned into a pillar of salt. Her attempt to retain a lifestyle evidently caused her to forfeit her identify. Nowhere can we find her name, just a reference as “wife”. Let our names be known and written in history for the good we have done and the righteous influence we have been able to achieve.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-90884821734414470592010-05-18T21:02:00.000-07:002010-05-18T21:04:11.359-07:00Not Being NeutralThe other day we had a lesson in Relief Society on the scriptures and the question was asked, “How can we teach our children to love the scriptures?” Good question and many great answers were given like scripture reading with your children daily, having picture books for them to look at or teaching how to apply scripture concepts into their lives. All these were great responses but as I’ve pondered this recently a concept came to me that goes even deeper than those normal answers. It is the concept of… not being neutral.<br /><br />I hope I’m the only one who recalls times when daily scripture reading was done in a monotone voice that conveyed duty, rather than interest or pleasure. When was the last time you read as a family where you had great discussions about a concept? I remember the “light bulb” moments when our family stopped reading and a whole concept was discussed and shared by all. We progressed from being neutral in our scripture reading to an elevated level of understanding regarding what we were studying. Those were my favorite Family Home Evenings! The spirit testified, taught and helped bond us together as a family. A love for the scriptures developed as we shared our excitement for what we were learning and discussing together. We need to become passionate and excited about what we are reading not passive.<br /><br />This concept doesn’t stop with just reading scriptures Think about having an attitude of neutrality in other areas of the gospel and how it may affect your family. Are you neutral when it comes to having your children go on missions or on issues of morality or ethical values? Can you consider the potential damage when you as a mother take a neutral stand on pressing issues or if you allow your child without direction, encouragement or enthusiasm on your part to decide for themselves where they stand? Neutral behavior and attitudes can dangerously influence your child to make incorrect decisions later on in their life.<br /><br />President Henry B. Eyring expressed: “The pure gospel of Jesus Christ must go down into the hearts of [our children] by the power of the Holy Ghost. Seeking to be neutral about the gospel is, in reality, to reject the existence of God and His authority.” Moral Discipline by D. Todd Christofferson November 2009<br /><br />Scriptures teach us about opposition in all things. This shouldn’t convey extremes, but rather contrasting differences, like light and darkness, good and evil. If we choose neutrality when faced with good and evil, on whose side do we stand? In fact, if we choose neutrality in life we, in actuality, do not choose. “Choice” is an action word such as in taking a stand for good and against evil while “neutral” is void of action. Make your choice and let your children know how you feel about principles and especially the Gospel.<br /><br />We were not neutral in our pre-mortal life. We knew what we wanted and we stood strong. We were passionate and opinionated in our views without being overbearing and outspoken. This is what we must be again. If a child learns from your neutral example and remains neutral themselves on matters of eternal importance they will be easily swayed when the winds of choice start blowing. You can’t push your opinion of gospel topics and principles onto your children but you can show your love, enthusiasm and excitement for what you think and feel. Let them feel it and let them know your opinions with love and parental compassion. This will bless your family more than anything you can do.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-30799475223016707972010-04-29T06:07:00.000-07:002010-04-29T06:08:59.166-07:00AppreciationWhen logging onto my computer one morning I realized my Internet was down. I immediately became very frustrated because my life and work begins when I’m connected. Paying bills, communication and everything else remained inconveniently on hold until the Internet came up. I was amazed at my reaction as I felt anger surfacing toward my cable provider. The thought went through my mind… “I need to telephone them and express my displeasure with their service!” As that thought passed another one came along just as powerful… “Have you ever telephoned thanking them for the many days that their service is working fine?” The answer, of course, was no. I once heard someone say that housework is only noticed when it goes undone and that morning’s experience proved its validity. Human nature in most of us is quick to anger and slow to express appreciation.<br /><br />My thoughts drifted to a family raising children. How many times do children act correctly and do things right yet how often do we parents only comment when they do things wrong? This could apply to our spouse and our parents as well. All relationships would be better if we could bridle our comments and engage our brain before we speak, praising more and criticizing less. I once heard it said… “It’s too bad that we don’t have a mute button when we speak!” How different the atmosphere in our homes would be if words of kindness, compliments and appreciation were given more often and criticism was written down on a piece of paper to be discussed later?<br /><br />“Have the same courtesy in your homes that you have when you are out in society. Thank your wives, thank your children, and say, ‘If you please,’ ‘Excuse me.’ These little things mean so much and make life so much sweeter.” David O. McKay Improvement Era, December 1968. <br /><br />Overcoming our knee-jerk reaction to anger and use of harsh words begins with first… recognizing that pattern in yourself and then second…learning how to control your thoughts and words. Every word we say has its beginning first in thought so to change what we say will ultimately require that we change what we think. The words we say either strengthen or destroy bonds in a relationship. We have all heard that our eyes are the windows to our soul. It might be said also the mouth is its radio, sometimes broadcasting uncensored and uncontrolled thoughts. <br /><br />We have all experienced the remorse of speaking before we think and hurting another’s feelings. Worse yet is to experience unkind acts directed to our children and witness the pain of our child who has just been hurt. The “Mother Bear” can emerge in all of us but it is how we deal with those emotions that are so important to our own development as well as our child’s. In watching my own children I find some can make and attract friends easily while others have a more difficult time. The one universal quality in forming friendships and keeping them is the “talent” to make others feel important and appreciated for who they are as an individual. A talent that can be cultivated and perfected in all of us…sincere appreciation! <br /><br />Each of us can gain mastery in our words and thoughts. We can begin now in our next conversation or in our next experience when something doesn’t go our way. Think before we act in every situation, “Act Don’t React” to coin a phrase. Our children need to see us at our best as they follow our examples. We become their role models by the way we respond and treat other people. Begin by expressing your appreciation for all the good that is done to all those closest around you…your families! Teach them how to appreciate!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-45226896297260856182010-02-13T13:22:00.000-08:002010-02-13T13:24:12.444-08:00Teaching IndependenceAs I got out of my car at the gas station I noticed a lady at the pump just ahead of me with tears coming down her cheeks struggling with the nozzle. I approached her to see if I could be of assistance. She broke down even more as she told me her husband had just died and he had always handled this part of daily living. She had never put fuel in her car before. I instructed her how to remove the cap from the gas tank, insert her credit card, showed her how to remove the nozzle and select the grade of gasoline and then talked with her as she filled her car with gas. I got back in my car happy I could help yet mad at her husband for not teaching his wife to be independent enough to survive in this world we live in. I’m sure he felt it was his manly duty to chivalrously protect her. I assume it worked both ways, as there were probably things he had never done around the home that she always just handled too. <br /><br />I compared this to a young friend that one of my children had while growing up. He was an only child and was doted on by his overly protective mother. She was divorced and only had her son to care for. He accompanied our family to a sports event while there we bought everyone a hotdog. As we were putting the condiments on our food he just stood there. I asked him if there was a concern and he gave me this lost look and said he had never prepared his hot dog before and needed help. This may not sound unusual but the young man was 16-years-old. This behavior is cute when they are two but at sixteen we have a problem. Our goal is to raise them to leave home, not enable them so they have to stay home!<br />I have thought much about the fine line in doing too much for our children and doing too little to help them. Our goal should be to teach them to be industrious and self-reliant. How do we teach them to fish so they can feed themselves?<br />In this short article let me expound on only two points that can make a difference in your child’s life. First is example. I had two sons who bicycled across the United States. Upon arriving home they talked about all the economically diverse areas they had pedaled through. They were astounded that in the middle of the day some families would be sitting on their porches just watching the world pass by. Grandfather, father and sons were all sitting there at a home that was broken down and in need of repair. This made a great impression on my sons and we talked about how generational patterns are passed down from father to son-to-son and so on. Idleness is a disease that is taught not caught. Make a difference in your family and, as parents, set the example of industry.<br /><br />“It is work that spells the difference in life. It is stretching our minds and utilizing the skills of our hands that lift us from mediocrity” (“Pres. Hinckley” Church News, 31 January 1998, 3).<br /><br />The second point is entitlement. Being compensated just because as individuals they exist is the wrong reason for receiving anything. You don’t get a car just because you turn 16. A day’s work for a day’s pay should be the rule not the exception. Just because you live in a family is not the reason for getting spending money. An allowance has value and meaning only when one puts forth commensurate work and takes upon oneself accountability. In a family unit everyone needs to pull together, chores should be expected. This teaches a responsibility outside of oneself and that we help take care of each other. A wise woman (my mother) once told me, “Never do anything for your children that they can do for themselves.” <br /><br />The best concept you can teach your children is the joy in accountability and responsibility of oneself and those around them. There is a joy the comes in earning and paying your own way. We need to teach them how to fish to take care of their own needs but these teachings will be passed on to their own children as well. Your example and attitudes will influence generations yet to come.<br /><br />“Work is therapy for the soul. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the gospel of work. We cannot simply sit around and do nothing and expect to be successful in spiritual or temporal things. We need to do all that is in our power to accomplish our goals, and the Lord will make up the difference.” Lessons Learned in the Journey of Life, By Elder Joseph B. WirthlinUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-53188869369169246012010-01-13T07:14:00.000-08:002010-01-13T07:16:16.758-08:00Visualizing the FutureI usually write advice about relationships with your children and how to improve and motivate them to be better but this article is a little different. I have learned recently through basketball, of all things, one of life’s greatest secrets of success that I have to pass on to you… no pun intended. <br /><br />I love watching basketball and with one of our sons working for the Phoenix Suns I find pleasure in watching their games. It keeps me connected with him and his life as we discuss the team players and his job. I especially love watching Steve Nash, the Suns’ point guard. He is the first player in NBA (National Basketball Association) history to shoot 50% from the field, over 40% from three-point range and over 90% from the free-throw line in three different seasons. He currently leads the NBA in free throw percentage at an amazing 94.1%. He has great understanding of the game and is always surprising me with his foresight in the plays he makes. Totally unselfish on the court he is one of the best team players I’ve seen. <br /><br />During a recent game, thanks to technology, sports commentators aired several shots of Steve Nash in slow motion magnifying his uncanny omniscience on the court. As he is running down the court and a teammate passes him the ball he has the ability to 1) see the ball being passed to him, 2) anticipating exactly when to catch it but most amazing 3) he takes his eyes off the ball and looks ahead up court to see which team member he can in turn pass the ball to. In slow motion it became obvious he has a knack to anticipate exactly where to place his hands to catch the ball while his head and eyes are focused elsewhere down court anticipating his next move. Several different slow motion shots of Steve Nash repeatedly demonstrated his moves. On the court he has the gift to anticipate what is coming, react to the present and visualize the future! There it is… life’s secret formula for success in twelve short words. Now… how do we gain that ability and apply this concept into our own lives?<br /><br />If we could acquire that same ability it would help every situation our families and we face in life. In reality it is exactly what we are having this earthly experience to learn. We just all learn it in different ways. Some learn it early; others never understand it yet the concept is essential for our development as eternal beings. The scriptures actually teach this concept as we read about all the different personalities in the scriptures and read advice and admonitions given to us through the words of past prophets. <br /><br />We live in times where problems we encounter may be economic trials, relationships within families or challenges with our children. We would handle all differently if we applied this principle of visualizing the future. How many of us have said or will someday say… “I wish I knew then what I know now!” Life’s situations could be handled better if we all could apply this secret of success in our game plan against the challenges that come our way. The ability to understand this principle, comprehend it and apply it into our life is choice… it is up to us to develop and use these skills.<br /><br />My thoughts on this topic came full circle when my daughter-in-law called me the other day remarking that her four sons are in youth basketball this winter season. As she was relating to me the weekly practice schedules and games on Saturday I smiled as I sympathized and remembered those busy times in my own life. My advice was to go full steam ahead. Sports and what is learned from team play is wonderful if, like all activities outside of the home, they as parents stay involved and reinforce the good and soften the hardness their child will experience. Listen to what is being taught to your child and apply sports principles… yes, I mean sports principles… to gospel principles that will strengthen their eternal characteristics.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-14278513311342781682009-12-17T11:54:00.000-08:002009-12-17T11:58:44.782-08:00Motivating Our ChildrenOn a recent visit home our married son went rummaging through his old footlockers that have been stored in the attic for years. As a teenager every piece of paper, award, trophy and memento that was of true value to him had been carefully stored therein. As each item was pulled out a flood of memories rushed over me as I remembered special events in his life that partially shape who he is today. An old baseball mitt, an award saying “Great Job”, school papers with an A+ marked at the top of each page, old photos of childhood friends, medals and trophies that he had earned. Nothing of real value… or are they? Not in material worth, of course, but each item represented to me a motivational milestone that made him reach a little higher or work a little harder so he could obtain the desired artifact. What surprised me was his current reaction to these items that had once been so valuable to him. I felt the loss of his “Peter Pan” innocence as the man who stood before me merely saw these items as “celebrating mediocrity”.<br /><br />I’ve given much reflection to this experience and have been silently grateful for those experiences he had. He was motivated by those rewards. They taught him to achieve excellence in areas that I was not capable as a mother to offer him. It was not the medal he got as he crossed the finish line at a Mt. SAC cross country race that was of value… but rather the lessons he learned while earning the medal. Somehow those objects he worked to earn motivated him to achieve.<br /><br />Children are all unique and no one knows them better or has their best interest at heart like you do as their mother. Motivating our children is more than just helping them “celebrate mediocrity” with the trinkets awarded to them. It is helping them reach their God-given potential and to recognize their uniqueness as an individual. <br />“Parents often motivate their children to practice skills—inspiring young musicians by taking them to a concert or motivating aspiring athletes by attending college or professional games. But I have found that this principle can also be used to motivate children to develop character traits. When we notice unique talents in our children, we can encourage them. ‘Maybe you will become a writer, or a scientist,’ we might say. If we do this often enough and sincerely enough, our children may have the courage to try out our version of what the future could hold for them. When a trusted parent describes future possibilities, a child pays attention. We can influence our children by helping them define a vision of future possibilities.” Helping Your Children Believe in What They Can Become Lynn Scoresby, “A Future They Can See,” Ensign, Apr 1985, 38<br />My daughter called the other day and put a different slant of this topic of motivation. She works at Y Be Fit on the BYU-Provo campus. Clients seek her counsel about diet, exercise and fitness. Together they chart out a plan that will work for the client. After a week they come back to review their progress and account to her on the goals they set. Three concepts are put into action 1) motivation 2) a plan, and 3) accountability. <br /><br />Her comments to me about her job described exactly what we do as mothers for our children. She realized that most of her clients accomplish more when they have someone to whom they are accountable. What she needs to figure out, as their mentor, is what accountability method motivates them to succeed. For some it is making a daily tally sheet, for others it is giving them general guidelines and letting them find their own way. Some unfortunately don’t find the motivation within themselves to change and therefore don’t see any results. As a counselor she can only do so much before it is their responsibility. Each week she teaches them a new principle that they can apply throughout the next seven days. All she can do is hope that they are listening and apply what they have learned to achieve their goals. Some clients function best with only knowing that they will have to report their successes or failures of the week; others need to check off lists; and others need step-by-step instruction on how to live their lives. I hope you can see the correlation here involving motivation between my daughter’s job at Y Be Fit and our job as mothers.<br />Everyone is motivated by a different method. Our job is to find what works for our child to help them become better and more successful in school, home, church and life in general. It is neither the trophy nor the act of a return and report session that is of value, but rather what personal traits or characteristics are gained in the process. Our task is to find which carrot we need to dangle in front of them that provides the right motivation to propel them to greatness!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-32537689393562265982009-10-29T13:45:00.000-07:002009-10-29T13:46:37.016-07:00The In-Law AdjustmentAll our eight children came home for Christmas this year. It wasn’t quite like the old day s because with them came four spouses, whom I love as much as my own children, and seven grandsons. We had a great time but the dynamic of married children, unmarried children, and grandsons was a little overwhelming. It made me feel like the juggler at a circus trying to keep all the balls in the air. Family unity took on a different meaning, as we were all together again under one roof. So when my husband put a mother-in-law joke on my desk after the holidays were over and everyone had left I wondered what he was trying to tell me. The title “mother-in-law” frequently invokes humor as an object of ridicule. Personally I’ve never found much humor in the jokes because I try to be a food mother-in-law or maybe because I had a wonderful mother-in-law.<br /><br />We attend the wedding of our good friends’ son in Japan. Very different from a wedding here in the States, no gifts like toasters, towels or blenders are given to the wedding couple. Instead wedding guest gives money. The only gifts at the wedding are those given by the bride and groom to their guests who have impacted their lives. (That would be totally new concept for wedding her in the USA.) The bride and groom also change clothes there times during the party: first, wearing a western tux and while bridal dress; second, traditional Japanese attire and third, formal wear. The bride and groom are the center of attention while the parents who helped get them to this point in life sit with the audience. In fact, during the program the wedding couples’ employers spoke on the attributes and accomplishments of the bride and groom.<br /><br />I share this with you only to illustrate how different, both in attitude and tradition, they are culturally from us here in the States. Yet motherhood is still motherhood. As we sat at the table with our friends, the groom’s mother expressed her concern regarding her new daughter-in-law and I found them quite familiar. Rumiko said, “I hope she can love me and our family. I hope I can find a balance in assisting them when needed yet staying out of their business. I hope she will support my son to maintain his Christian beliefs. I want her to share their children with us and not spend time only with her family. I hope she can make him a better person and not criticize his shortcomings or be critical of the way I raised him.” Her concerns continued but hopefully you can see where I am going with this. Motherhood is not cultural and has no language barrier or geographical boundaries. Rumiko is a different nationality but she is first a mother and has the same universal concerns every mother feels.<br /><br />This experience aroused my curiosity and I asked my own children-in-law their own concerns when they got married and came into our family. I found their responses quite interesting. Here are some of them.<br /><br /> * I wanted to be loved and accepted.<br /> * I wanted my in-laws to give us space and not give us unwanted advice.<br /> * I wanted to be accepted and not criticized because of my family traditions or personality.<br /> * I wanted them to see us as one.<br /> * I didn’t want them to take sides when issues arose.<br /> * I didn’t want them to compare me to others in the family.<br /> <br />What an eye opener this was for me, realizing that both children-in-law and parent-in-law want and need to same things. Acceptance and being loved was the major concern of both parties. Both expressed the desire to fit into the roles they now had.<br /><br />Our actions can either welcome or alienate. Remember that if, from your point of view, your child married the wrong person, the best advice is to “move on.” Once a child exercises agency, it is then time to support that decision. No purpose is served in being negative regardless of the choice made. Accepting your child means accepting their choice of spouse just as a spouse needs to accept and honor their mate’s parents. Even the scriptures tell us that the couple should leave their father and mother and become one. To me that definitely sounds like a new family unit has been formed. We should respect the right of the new unit, as we want to be respected.<br /><br />It should be the goal of the whole family to welcome the new member as one of their own. A friend shared with me this great example. It was the second marriage of her daughter who had a son from the previous marriage. Her new mother-in-law took the bride’s mother aside and said, “I want you to know how happy we are to have your daughter in our family and we look upon her son as an incredible bonus!” I personally can’t think of anything more touching and accepting. This wise mother-in-law gained instant love from the bride’s family by her kind words and actions.<br /><br />Together my children and I came up with a list of things that will help build a stronger family unit. Here is our list that applies to both ends of the in-law stages. Read it. Add your own thoughts. Then I suggest that communication take place and principles be applied.<br /><br /> * In-law children were not raised in your home like your own child. Give them time to get use to you. Expect there to be differences and embrace them.<br /> * Keep negative thought to yourself. Don’t let your children talk about their spouse negatively to you.<br /> * Accept differences in the way their home is managed. Get ideas from them.<br /> * Respect decisions made by your children and give advice only when asked.<br /> * Don’t take sides when difficulties arise.<br /> * Strive to make the new in-law one of your own. Seek out their interests, ask for their opinions, become their friend.<br /> * Visit their home as a guest being excited about their life and achievements.<br /> * When you call on the phone talk to both. Don’t keep secrets from one or the other.<br /> * Be willing to share your child with the spouse’s family and encourage good family relationships there. Join in family activities and be interactive.<br /> * Be sensitive to the in-law’s feelings. Apologize if you ever offend them but most importantly forgive them if they offend you.<br /> <br />I don’t often recommend books but if your family needs help in this area, Principles of Love, How to successfully Parent Your Adult Children, has practical ideas to help you. It is by Garth A. Hanson, PH.D.<br /><br />Leo Tolstoy said, “All happy families remember one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Wanting to be a happy family doesn’t mean only until a child leaves home. From my experience happiness in a family is constant work and needs to be guarded and worked on continually especially as family member are added.<br /><br />Just a light-hearted thought with Valentine’s Day coming up… when remembering those you love, don’t forget to acknowledge “your children” who married the child you raised. It’s their happiness that guarantees your own child’s happiness and without that you just might get them back…and you definitely don’t want that!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-36263113696081669322009-10-29T13:44:00.000-07:002009-10-29T13:45:10.362-07:00Time Out for MOMMy daughters-in-law and daughter amaze me with their untiring attitude toward their workloads. They do children 24-7 without complaining… not to me anyway. As I talk to them on the phone and hear the noise in the background of children just being children I admire and love them for the mothers that they are. The thought I would like to give you all this Mother’s day is the knowledge that these days will not last for very long so love the time you are in.<br /><br />I remember several years ago when I was in the height of child rearing we went to a company dinner at my husband’s work. We sat across the table from one of his coworkers, a career woman who had earned well over six digits that year in commissions. But with three unsuccessful marriages and currently single it wasn’t surprising that her only daughter had problems with drugs and self-esteem. Everyone rallied around her giving advice to help with her daughter. It was also well know that my husband and I had a large family and that I was “just” a stay-at-home mom. In the course of making conversation she turned to me and said, “And what are you going to do for yourself this coming year?” Instantly my life flashed before me…one in college, two in high school, one in junior high school, two in elementary, one in kindergarten and a toddler. That did not include my business, a church calling and school committees that I headed, let alone piano and singing lessons or the soccer and baseball teams I taxied my children to. My response to her, and the only work that came to my mind was… “Survive!” I could see her thinking, “Really, what does a stay-at-home mom do all day?” I knew she had no concept of my life. She had no clue that I hadn’t been alone in the bathroom for years.<br /><br />At the time this experience hurt because I sensed her disapproval and condescension. She obviously placed me on the bottom end of her value scale. Today I find humor in her reaction. I love the rewards that have resulted because of the heavy workload. I would not trade her salary for what I have today. It was also during this time of being so busy with everyone else that I discovered the value of time out for me. Not in a selfish way but in a rejuvenation-of-self way. When life got so full and I found myself being short with the children I knew it was time to take a break. I learned the value of self-development and enrichment. I once asked my husband if he could arrange his schedule to watch the children on night a week so I could to an oil painting class. He was always great to help me like this and even encouraged me to expand my knowledge but he questioned the cost of each lesson because things were sometimes tight. In my way to get around the cost I made the comment… “Well, it’s cheaper than a psychiatrist.” When put in that perspective there was no arguing the point. I took my lessons and a whole new world opened up, not only to me but also for my children. They took an interest in what I was doing and the real sharing began. They saw me learning just as I encouraged them to do. I saw the value of time out as a way to improve my family.<br />Time out can be taken in many different ways, but the first and most important way, in my opinion, is to stay spiritually in tune. Also, reading your scriptures, saying your prayers and going to the temple. Just put the gospel first on your time out list. I have found that you are better able to cope as a mother and wife when you have the spirit. It not only reminds you of what is important in life but also enables you to receive the revelation needed on a daily basis. It also gives you the peace and serenity that is so needed as a mother.<br /><br />Setting personal goals keeps you progressing. Take a class, read a book, make a craft, anything that allows you to see results from your work. This validates your creativity when you can see immediate results from accomplishments. Rewards from being a mom do not come daily. Trophies are not passed out for diaper changing. Seeing results from your time out help you get through the days when no rewards are seen. Houses only get messy again and another meal is just a few hours away. The goals set and hobbies learned will only benefit your home. <br /><br />Take advantage of your community. Visit places together with your children and bring another family along. The adult conversation goes a long way as you talk about your children and topics outside your home. Every community has parks, museums, libraries and places to take your children. Take advantage of these activities. Use these outings to stay physically active which will help you keep a positive outlook on life.<br /><br />Fill your life with really happenings. Stay away from fluffy TV programs and books that give you an unrealistic view on life, motherhood and marriage. They do not uplift and edify your spirit. Make your life real by giving service to others. Go the extra mile on your church callings. I know of one young mother that in her spare time, when her children are napping, does extraction work for her ward. It gives her a way to keep her computer skills up, learn more about another country feel great about doing something in the genealogical area plus it gives her a topic to speak on other than her own children. Stay on top of what is happening in current events. Rise above the daily routine both mentally and spiritually. This will prove to be your breathing space when you need it.<br /><br />Most importantly, don’t think of motherhood as a burden. None other than you, not anyone else, places unrealistic expectations of how you should be upon yourself. Just enjoy these days of being so busy when life is not your own. The rewards will be there. That alone time in the bathroom really will come again. I would not trade a six-digit salary for my family. You can’t put a price on love and the rewards that children can bring.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-44769541934522804342009-10-29T13:42:00.000-07:002009-10-29T13:43:57.676-07:00He Looketh Upon the HeartIn the pre-mortal world I know I stood in the line that read, “No Camping Required.” Next I hunted for the line that read traveling would be “on the planes” not “on the plains.” I got what I wanted too. Here I am with modern plumbing and travel across the country in only hours, not months. What I didn’t bargain for was inappropriate forms of entertainment, questionable music and media, and television that would have such a strong pull on my family. I always assumed that virtual reality was just everyday living but I’ve learned after seeing s few episodes of certain TV shows that are virtual “non-reality.” The show what fits this to the tee is Extreme Makeover. It is a full-out-war trying to mold the way we think about our appearance and ourselves. It purports that true happiness can only be achieved if we meet its standard of beauty, with testimonials to prove it. The innocent subtlety of all this began in the 50’s when the Barbie doll first hit the store shelves. Little girls grew up thinking that Barbie should be the image of how to look and it has been a self-perpetuating perception ever since. I personally like the Renaissance art period…not that is reality.<br /><br />I’m not saying that you shouldn’t look nice. On the contrary, I feel one of the most important things you can teach your daughters are attractive grooming so they radiate their best. I just don’t feel that best is what the worldviews as best. I read an article that stated last year’s number one most requested graduation gift by young women was some form of plastic surgery. This tells me that young women today have a lack of confidence about who they are. One day my daughter brought up the topic of the reality show Extreme Makeover because everyone at school was talking about it. She made this comment, “Well Mom, after they have all the surgery to make themselves look good on the outside they are still the same on the inside.” Needless to say her comments lead into a great gospel discussion that I hope reaffirmed her wise insight.<br /><br />The world judges from the outside but the Lord looketh upon the heart. How in this day with so many outside visual influences can we help our daughters understand the Lord’s view? Here are just a few points that I think are worth to consider. Please add your own thought to this list.<br /><br /> * Don’t personally get caught up with the world’s opinion on fashion and how you should look. Examples speak louder than anything you could say.<br /> * Accept your daughter for what she is and don’t accept or encourage her to look like the girls in the media.<br /> * Be her friend and cultivate in her interests in other areas such as art, books, travel, good music, sports or hobbies that you can do together. These activities will give her a deeper outlook and appreciation on life rather than just the superficial.<br /> * Help build self-confidence by allowing her to make more of life’s choices. Remind her that through prayer and scripture study correct choices can be made.<br /> * Teach her the value of true friendship. Encourage her to seek out friends she accept her as she is and build her up. Qualities that she has leaned in Young Women should be her guide: integrity, knowledge, good works, etc.<br /> * Ask her opinion and advice, letting her know you value her thoughts. Tell her when she does something that impresses you or when you are pleased with her. <br /> * Encourage her to develop the soft side of being feminine and help her understand the qualities of compassion, love, kindness, service and to follow her spiritual intuition.<br /> * No success compares to your own success when trying to build confidence. Let her achieve and feel the gratification of doing well and making correct choices. Praises her achievements and create opportunities for her in which to have success.<br /> <br />Notice that none of the above points mentioned how to wear make-up or how to stay in style. Modesty and the radiance of having the spirit are always in style. True beauty comes from within. The person inside is the real you and I am becoming more aware of this every year as my outside looks change and settle as time passes. A comment I heard from an 80 old women that other day as she was talking about the effects of ageing was… “Well, I’m beautiful on the inside and that is really all that matters!” What an example that is… now that is not only truth, but reality.<br /><br />In an address given by President Hinckley (Ensign, May 2001), How Can I Become the Woman of Whom I Dream? He doesn’t once mention how a young woman should look but instead focuses on how she should radiate. There is a big contrast between these concepts.<br /><br />I have often wondered if just maybe the “Camping Required” line would have been easier to handle after all… These times are hard to raise a family in with all the outside influences that tug at our children but I have come to realize that the Lord has not left us alone. He did not send us here to fail. He has given us the direction needed to succeed in this adventure of motherhood. We have the ability to stand strong while using these resources just as our sister did in the past with their challenges in crossing the plains.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-85515796531675205682009-10-28T15:49:00.001-07:002009-10-28T15:51:07.009-07:00The Most Important Things for a BabyDiapers, Onesies, Tylenol… my list went on. I sat in my son’s room worried I was missing something. He was due to be born any day and I wanted his arrival into my home to be perfect. I wanted to welcome him with everything of worldly comfort be able to provide for his every need. Plagued with worry, I was determined to settle my fear by going through my list just one last time. When I finished, I asked myself, “Am I now prepared for my baby’s arrival? Do I have all the essentials? Being satisfied with my preparation, yet still feeling a lingering void, the thought came to my mind, “Of course, I’m prepared. The most important thing I can five my son is knowledge of the Gospel, the knowledge of who he is and what he can become.” I was taken back at the simplicity of my thought and, in a way, felt somewhat foolish for focusing on the superficial. After all, I could provide nothing greater for my son! By teaching him about his Heavenly Father’s plan, I would be able to five him the knowledge and the tools that many search for their entire lives but fail to find… the true gospel and eternal truths.<br /><br />How different my perspective was as I went through my checklist again, thinking only of my spiritual preparation for his arrival. No longer was proving for his temporal needs quite as important to me as my ability to teach him of his divine inheritance. I couldn’t help but realize how easy it had been to accumulate the tangible for my son, but what about my own personal preparation? Had I been just as vigilant in seeking out qualities and attitudes in myself that would foster in my child a love of the lord and an environment that would enable him to fulfill his potential? The peace I felt that morning was overwhelming, as I realized I was indeed ready to welcome into my care a child of God.<br /><br />Motherhood, I have discovered is full of moments such as this. It was only when I saw my baby for the first time that I understood the enormity of responsibility I held in my arms. As a mother who had just been given the most miraculous gift from above, I realized my responsibility in providing him the essentials necessary to return home to his loving Father in Heaven. I looked at him as I have looked at no one else before and beheld for the first time the endless potential my baby, like each of us, hold inside. What an incredible responsibility to awaken that potential and how grateful I am the Gospel provides the pattern to do so.<br /><br />President Hinckley has said, “Let every mother realize that she has no greater blessing than the children which have come to her as a gift of the almighty; that she has no greater mission than to rear them in light and truth, and understanding and love; that she will have no greater happiness than to see them grow into young men and women who respect principles of virtue, who walk free from the stain of immorality.”<br /><br />Now that I’m a mother, I look at the world differently. In my interactions with others, it’s obvious how stifled many of us have become because of failure to nurture this knowledge, knowledge that we are sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father. As mothers however, we are blessed with the constant reminder our children give us as they portray very clearly the divine nature and inherent beauty we all hold inside. The challenge lies in helping our children see themselves as we do. To help them realize their potential.<br /><br />If I were to go back and rewrite my list of necessary items essential to welcoming a new baby into this world, I would list the obvious such as consistent family home evenings, daily scripture study and family prayer. In addition, however, I would add things such as a soft loving voice, kind uplifting words, open arms and patience, just to name a few. We live in a world that lacks of love. It is substituted with the tangible and the temporary, but we a Latter-day Saint mothers can provide our children with a lasting knowledge of joy and happiness and warmth only a righteous mother can give.<br /><br />I watch my son now who is nearly seven months. He’s gone through his stash of diapers, stained all his Onesies and kept me up late at night on a few occasions battling one ailment or another. I’m quickly learning motherhood requires adaptability, but one constant remains and that is my love for him. Quite often I find myself reflecting on that moment of peace I felt just seven short months ago. In moments both of happiness and discouragement, I remember my purpose as his mother, and find great satisfaction knowing I am taking part in nurturing this child of God.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-477323070984891052009-10-28T15:47:00.001-07:002009-10-28T15:48:31.568-07:00What Is God's Part AnywayFinals week for student is always stressful and rightly so. It is just what is says… they are being tested on their total knowledge gained during the past semester. The grade is final and stays on their record all the way to college and even beyond. The accumulation of these grades can allow them to go on the university of their choice … or prevent them from doing so! There is generally no mercy if they get a poor grade. No going back to renegotiate because they have been tested, graded and that is final!<br />I found a post-it note on my computer one morning after my son had been up most of the night studying for his math final. The note read, “Hi Mom, I’ve worked hard in math all semester. I have been tutored, stayed after school to get help and have always done my homework. I have done my part so what is God’s part in helping me do well on this final?” I smiled at his question and also his, tongue in cheek, sense of humor. I also thought to myself, “How am I going to answer this one?” After he woke up and got ready for seminary we had family prayer and asked the Lord to bless him with a clear mind during the test.<br /><br />I have found it hard as a mother to describe to my children how prayers are answered. Explaining this concept is not always so cut and dried as other questions they ask. The requests in our prayers have different levels of importance and there are some situations in life when the Lord expects you to grow and learn on your own, coming up with your personal solutions and even possibly making mistakes because of them. In our home we often ask the question, “How important is that in the eternal aspect of things? Our father in Heaven hears what we say and knows our concerns yet agency is never compromised. How can we explain that prayers are answered…but it may not be with a letter grade?<br /><br />I was visiting an institute class with my older son in Iowa and the topic was keeping an eternal perspective in this busy world we live in. The prophet Moses was used as the example. Before he began the task of bringing the Israelites out of Egypt Moses needed an understanding of God’s eternal perspective and plan to help him get through the tasks and trials of his calling. Mosses had been raised in an environment and with the knowledge that Pharaoh was god and therefore, “all powerful.” He had seen this power in use during the first forty years of his life. Therefore, Moses needed to have a sure knowledge that God is God, the one who created the worlds and the task Moses was asked to do would be possible only though His eternal power. As obstacles came in his way Moses would need this confidence to accomplish his assignment. Our children need to develop this same confidence in the tasks they are here to do. Moses was shown all of God’s creations that allowed him to see the importance of his task from an eternal perspective. In preparation Moses was also told several times that he was, His son,” and had been called by God to complete this work and therefore a way would be provided for him to accomplish the assigned task. My favorite verse is in Moses 1:6 where the Lord tells him, “That all things are present with me, for I know them all.”<br /><br />This thought gave me insight how to explain to my son that the Lord is very well aware of all his concerns, even his math final. In the eternal aspect of things the Lord is not going to rescue him from failure if he has not done his part in preparation. There is wisdom in letting us experience agency and accountability! My son needed to understand that God’s part has already been done and the tools for him to succeed are already in place. From an eternal perspective He allowed my son to be born in the time when knowledge is ours for the taking. He lives here in a country where freedom to learn is encouraged. He gave him a healthy body with the ability to think, reason and solve problems. He is a child of God who is known personally by his Father in Heaven and knows of his concerns. He has provided a plan where he may always correct errors made during this test of life and mercy will always be extended in his behalf. (This is more than the school system can offer!) He has given him a constant companion to guide him through uncertain times but the one thing He will not do for my son is to come and take the math test. Achievement results on this temporal test will be exactly what he earned with the help of a clear mind and his own preparation. He is a child of God and has those attributes to succeed in any task given to him.<br /><br />The real question is: “What is your part to help yourself do well in math? Have you developed a drive to achieve your best? Do you have a desire to work and study hard? Do you have the courage necessary to ask questions and seek help when needed? Do you take care of yourself spiritually and live in such a way that you can receive help from the Holy Ghost?” If you can say you have done your part then “God’s part” will be achieved. The eternal final is the one that we must keep continually in our thoughts and gain a true understanding of what part God plays in that test. <br /><br />P.S. He did fine on the exam plus gained a new understand of “God’s part” in the many small tests along this eternal road.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-72687621194506091612009-10-28T15:45:00.000-07:002009-10-28T15:46:40.454-07:00Try For The Sake Of TryingWe were picking out a movie to rent the other day and in the comedy section one interesting DVD jacket read…“If at first you don’t succeed, lower your standards!” We all had a good chuckle about that idea and inwardly I felt rewarded that my children could see the reverse psychology behind the comment. Too often the world’s view is telling us to be happy with apathy and passiveness. Negative comments from others prevent a child from thinking they can achieve something never tried before. Self-doubt stops a child from making an effort to attempt a new challenge.<br /><br />One of the greatest gifts a mother can five her child is the encouragement to try. There are so many little catch phrases that we hear all the time on this topic. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” “Never, never give up.” “When the going gets tough the tough get going.” “Anything the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve.” These are not new concepts. Every motivational speaker has several of these clichés in their speeches. Our own prophet encourage us to not be afraid to achieve. President Kimball’s phrase, “Just Do It,” (Do it, Do it right and do it right now!”) is a family motto in many homes.<br /><br />I personally am a firm believer in the poser of “one” and the influence he or she can have on the group. But this influence will not be felt if one never tries. Positive encouragement for a child to be a participant instead of a spectator is acted upon when it comes from someone they trust. An individual’s decision to run for an office at school, give a speech, write an article for the school newspaper on their viewpoint, reach out to make a new friends, try out for an athletic team, apply for a scholarship or a myriad of other opportunities comes mainly from an outside source. Let that influence and encouragement come from you.<br /><br />There is something to be gained by just trying. We don’t win everything we try out for nor does everyone agree with our viewpoints but the act of doing makes us a better person and gives us the experience to finally succeed. For most of us, this is a better person and gives us the experience to finally succeed. For most of us, this is a learned behavior and that is why encouragement from the outside is so important. Success is usually not reached on the first attempt. Ralph Waldo Emerson stated, “That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do…not that the nature of the thing is changed, but our power to do so is increased.” Your children cannot see their own potential as you do. Our job as mothers and parents is to help them see it and achieve it!<br />Theodore Roosevelt said it this way. “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”<br /><br />There is a saying that we recite in our family that goes… “There are those individuals who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.” This saying when contemplated can bring about positive introspection and self-analysis. Who wants to be the one who wonders what happened? Or even who saw it happen. Remind your child that, “It doesn’t hurt to try” … compare and enlighten them that the lasting hurt is in not trying!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-65097603565173427152009-10-28T15:42:00.000-07:002009-10-28T15:44:40.369-07:00Not In ServiceThis past month we picked our son from the England, Birmingham Mission. It was a great experience to see where he had walked and listen to his stories as we drove past a door or street that stimulated his memory of an experience. One story that brought about much conversation and thought was of being out on a cold, wet English night waiting for the last bus to take them home at the end of a very disappointing day. Missionaries get up early and work hard all day and this had been no exception. Standing in the cold rain after their final appointment he saw the bus approaching and thought of getting on a warm bus was the one thing that would forgive the events of a very long day. As the bus rolled past without the slightest hesitation in its speed, he noticed the sign on the front that read, “Out of Service.” The thoughts of warmth and an easy ride home vanished instantly. He related to us that as he felt the sting of disappointment he decided then and there that never would he be, “Out of Service,” if someone needed him. He internalized this experience into something positive.<br /><br />We talked a lot about being “Out of Service” and joked about how convenient it would be at times if we could put on a sign that declared to the world that we didn’t want to be bothered or to serve anyone. Can you just imagine our homes if we mothers put up such a sign? Or, how about in our wards if we wore a sign that said, “Out of Service in Primary” or “Out of Service if I have to work with Sister _______.” Our lives should be filled with service because it is service that makes our lives worthwhile. We should never miss these opportunities. President Kimball said that, “We cannot have spirituality without service.”<br /><br />We can teach our families true service by giving time spent the “Interesting or Important Test.” Ask yourself each day how much effort was spent on interesting activities as opposed to how much time was spent on important activities. It makes us accountable for our usage of time and is a great end-of-the-day evaluation. It also makes a child aware of the activities they spend their time on. It should be very sobering if a child reports that most of the afternoon was spent playing video games.<br /><br />Our families are where acts of service should be first experienced. Long ago I heard a quote that went something like this… “If you do a good turn, never remember it. If you receive a good turn, never forget it.” If only we could apply that principal to daily living. It reminds me how sometimes old grudges are talked about forever but a kindness is soon forgotten. If unconditional service to each other could be first priority how different our homes would be. The “Out of Service” sign would never appear. Love, trust, unselfishness and charity would be developed in our children. We would always be there when spouses, children or sibling really needed us.<br /><br />Mother Teresa, the epitome of service, stated that, “It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into the doing.” Can you just imagine a home where the “In Service” sign was always out or the ward where the Bishop was never turned down when issuing a calling? Pause a moment, to reflect about that kind of atmosphere. You’re right… being in a place where everyone is serving others with love would be heaven on earth.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-36676047067188648002009-10-28T15:40:00.000-07:002009-10-28T15:41:27.596-07:00The Miracle of Defining MomentsThe other day we were talking about experience that have defined who were are. It made me think back on special times in my life that I remember as thought they were yesterday. My baptism day and the way I felt in my new dress, the snowy Christmas Eve coming home from a family party, feeling safe and secure in our car, the leather smell of my first set of scriptures, the moment I knew I had a testimony, seeing my future husband for the first time as I saw him standing across the room from me, Holding my first child in my arms… these images and feelings will never be forgotten and will stay with me forever.<br /><br />I enjoyed hearing my children talk about their special moments that have defined their young lives and it made me aware of how much we as mothers control some of those moments, either by the tone of our voice as we handle a disciplinary moment to the smell of your cologne or the time spent in just sitting and talking or working together whole teaching skills. <br /><br />I remember a talk given by President James E. Faust. He spoke about his memory of the smell of cookies baking as he arrived home from school and a mother to greet him. He told this experience to remind us that we provide memories for our children… I could not help but think how times have changed since he was a small boy. I had to get over my guilt from his talk to remind myself that the smells of cookies are not the only memory we could or should make for our children. In fact, I don’t think my children have ever come home with the smell of cookies in the oven and I hope that is not a mandatory checked item on the questionnaire to get one into heaven. I have created other moments for my children that have helped to define who they are. I have cherished the times I’ve had with my child during a one-on one in the car as we drove from place to place or the planning and working on their school activities and clubs.<br /><br />A concept in a talk given in sacrament meeting it was suggested that to a child love is not spelled L-O-V-E, it is spelled T-I-M-E. I can’t think of a better era to live in than this day when free unscheduled time is ours to use. It may not be used in baking cookies or in driving your children to practices, watching their games or sitting and visiting as family. Defining moments help your child build character and can be created in a number of ways, not just the hard farming work that used to be the main focus of yesteryears. Plan your unscheduled time to build memories for your children.<br /><br />My brother-in-law, Bruce, related this story that illustrates how important the memory of a defining moment in our lives can be. After his father passed away and all the personal effects were stored away, Bruce rummaged through those things and found an old cassette tape made nearly thirty-seven years earlier. It was the missionary farewell of an old high school friend who Bruce still sees on rare occasions. Assured that this friend would find some value in this bit of history rather than just throwing it away, Bruce dropped it off to the friend’s place of work. The friend had seen some hard times and his testimony of the gospel had become somewhat tarnished. A week went by before the friend telephoned Bruce. He explained that his own son had just given his farewell talk in the church before he entered the MTC. Hearing his own mission farewell from so many years ago coupled with his son’s exuberance rekindled a flame that had frown dim. The friend was very touched by Bruce’s thoughtfulness and explained how uplifting it was to listen to him thoughts from thirty-seven years earlier as he embarked in the service of God. It brought back the memory of his testimony and what he felt was really important. It made him realize that the person he was now was not the person that he, at 19, had visualized. The friend thanked him for the tape and told Bruce how it was a defining moment in his life to hear the younger version of himself. <br /><br />Defining moments are ours for the creating. Family trips, activities, video making, hobbies, building family traditions and playing and working together are all a part of who our children will become. Our important priorities will become theirs, as they get older. Our goal as mothers should be to create moments that will help define themselves as people of service and leadership. Seek out activities that will forever be in their memories that they can fall back on when life gets hard, moments that can remind them of who they really are and where they should be.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-37264093314878742702009-10-28T15:38:00.000-07:002009-10-28T15:39:23.852-07:00Faith In The FutureThe headline in our local paper today was, Ban on Same-Sex Union Frizzles. It makes me wonder where the voice for morality is but more importantly I question what kind of a world my children will raise their children in. The days of the Cleaver’s are definitely over, or are they? We still have agency of choice to live in the world and to be of it or to live in the world yet not partake of the worldly attitudes.<br /><br />Reading the headlines we witness a world that is falling apart, from terrorist’s threats to decay in moral values, yet I am not without hope. It is a fearful time to live in today but I cannot believe the Lord has left us without knowing the end and is willing to help us if we but ask. Looking back in history there has always been a war to destroy and thwart goodness and to misrepresent truth. Does this surprise any of us that at this time in history it should be any different? On the contrary we should not be shocked that in these latter days the war of evil would wage even harder against what is good and righteous. It is the classic story of good versus evil as we face the last great standoff.<br /><br />In church the other day a talk was being given on the standards and values that we have as latter-day Saints compared to the world’s attitudes and morals. My daughter leaned over to me and asked the question, “Are you afraid to let me grow up in this world?” Without hesitation I replied, “Not at all!” a peace came over me and I really knew that she would be safe. She has been given every means to fortify her against the evil that is waging so strong a battle out there. It will be up to her to apply what she has been given to her own life but she can and will prevail. As the divide gets wider it is actually easier to see the good from the evil.<br /><br />I am so grateful for the Young Men and Young Women’s programs. The Strength of the Youth pamphlet is a wonderful guide for them to follow and will truly keep them safe if they will adhere to what it says. I could not help reminisce back to my standards booklet when I was her age at 15. The guideline I remember most was… 1) Do not wear curlers in public. Yes, times have changed but I fill confident in our youth and the teachings they receive. These spirits have never been stronger than we see today coming into the world. They are up to the challenge that is ahead of them and are being prepared for this battle. We parents need to rise to the challenge to help them meet these confrontations with faith in the future and a determination to live a gospel centered life.<br /><br />The innocence of the 50’s may never be seen again but even Adam and Eve needed to leave the garden to learn and progress. May we take this challenge that we are all faced with and raise our own bar as we have been admonished.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-20042801769287573602009-10-26T11:54:00.001-07:002009-10-26T11:55:45.467-07:00Congratulation MothersNo admonition this month. This editorial only contains a big CONGRATULATION! You have done it… you mothers who were raised by Mrs. Cleaver. Not only have you given this generation men who do not wait at the dinner table to be server, but also men who possess an attitude of, “Hey, this child is mine and I get to help in this care and development.” This transitional generational success is because of your accomplishments in teaching your children.<br /><br />I was sitting in a living room a month ago where several young couples were visiting the home of a family who had just had a baby. The stories of childbirth were no longer a “female only” topic. The husbands were enjoying and adding to the stories of how their own children had arrived into the world. I felt like a visitor from another era as my eyes went from face to face while the men were telling their “tales of woe” adding to the enjoyment of the evening. <br /><br />I heard tales of aching backs as they bent over their wives while giving her encouragement. They spoke of frozen fingers from handling all the ice chips that were requested. They laughed about their own discomforts that were ignored because they knew their wife needed them. They shared the excitement in watching the birth of their child but more importantly they expressed love and appreciation for their respective wives as they went through childbirth.<br /><br />During the course of the evening as babies were crying and older children needed assistance the fathers were active participants in their care. Both parents were changing diaper, comforting, calming a cry and playing when needed. There seemed to be a true partnership in parenting within this group. I was amazed! My skepticism began with, “They are medical students. They have an educational interest in these events,” but when Sunday approached my skepticism changed to belief. As I attended church the chapel was filled with the normal sounds that many small children make who are required to sit still. I watch with enjoyment as responsibility of parenthood transcended professions and gender. Babies were being quieted, comforted and taken out by fathers of this “New and Improved” generation.<br /><br />What we mothers have done to make this wonderful transformation I can’t guess. President John Taylor commented that, “A parent’s influence extends to future generation.” Your examples have proven his point exactly. We have a generation of young parents who were taught your concepts of values, roles and the importance of family. We can see how these teaching by example or words, on family and parenthood are now paying off. What a wonderful experience it will be for grandparents to see their own “works” in progress as they watch the next generation evolve. Congratulations to you all on a job well done!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-56575002764847093762009-10-26T11:54:00.000-07:002009-10-26T11:55:15.583-07:00Congratulations MothersNo admonition this month. This editorial only contains a big CONGRATULATION! You have done it… you mothers who were raised by Mrs. Cleaver. Not only have you given this generation men who do not wait at the dinner table to be server, but also men who possess an attitude of, “Hey, this child is mine and I get to help in this care and development.” This transitional generational success is because of your accomplishments in teaching your children.<br /><br />I was sitting in a living room a month ago where several young couples were visiting the home of a family who had just had a baby. The stories of childbirth were no longer a “female only” topic. The husbands were enjoying and adding to the stories of how their own children had arrived into the world. I felt like a visitor from another era as my eyes went from face to face while the men were telling their “tales of woe” adding to the enjoyment of the evening. <br /><br />I heard tales of aching backs as they bent over their wives while giving her encouragement. They spoke of frozen fingers from handling all the ice chips that were requested. They laughed about their own discomforts that were ignored because they knew their wife needed them. They shared the excitement in watching the birth of their child but more importantly they expressed love and appreciation for their respective wives as they went through childbirth.<br /><br />During the course of the evening as babies were crying and older children needed assistance the fathers were active participants in their care. Both parents were changing diaper, comforting, calming a cry and playing when needed. There seemed to be a true partnership in parenting within this group. I was amazed! My skepticism began with, “They are medical students. They have an educational interest in these events,” but when Sunday approached my skepticism changed to belief. As I attended church the chapel was filled with the normal sounds that many small children make who are required to sit still. I watch with enjoyment as responsibility of parenthood transcended professions and gender. Babies were being quieted, comforted and taken out by fathers of this “New and Improved” generation.<br /><br />What we mothers have done to make this wonderful transformation I can’t guess. President John Taylor commented that, “A parent’s influence extends to future generation.” Your examples have proven his point exactly. We have a generation of young parents who were taught your concepts of values, roles and the importance of family. We can see how these teaching by example or words, on family and parenthood are now paying off. What a wonderful experience it will be for grandparents to see their own “works” in progress as they watch the next generation evolve. Congratulations to you all on a job well done!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-35750108515831823202009-10-26T08:09:00.000-07:002009-10-26T08:10:22.663-07:00A Firm FoundationMy teenagers have been following with interest the numerous religious controversies. First, there are the debates, voting and division of the Episcopal Church over homosexuality. They also questioned me about the Catholic Church’s handling of the many “priest incidences” pertaining to child abuse. We discussed the recent Massachusetts ruling on gay marriage and the impact it will have on our society. All are sad reviews of our time.<br /><br />I watch my children with interest as they realize what these topics are about. They question why churches and society even debate about them. “Isn’t it just wrong?” they ask. My teens remind me of little kittens as their eyes are beginning to open. They are seeing the “opposition” part of our society and I wish I could shelter them a little while longer. I don’t want them to be aware of this part of life too soon, but on the other hand if I don’t guide them through these topics, who will? I f I were to disregard their questions, until they were older, would I be allowing them to come to worldly conclusions, which maybe contrary to righteous standards and views?<br /><br />My daughter said, “You wouldn’t see those problems in our church!” I had to sadly tell her that sometimes you do but how they are handled is completely different. Our Church is based upon eternal truths and truth never changes. There are just some issues where agency and debating are not an option. (Even in a High Priest Quorum meeting.) My son mentioned that there is a safe feeling knowing these subjects are truly black and white. We know exactly how our Church stands on issues. Wrong will never be debated into right or rationalized to become doctrine. We referred to the “Proclamation on the Family” and read the parts that pertained to marriage and the sanctity of family.<br /><br />This led us into the topic of “lesser wrongs” that are not so black and white, such as watching R rated movies, not obeying parents with righteous motives, gossiping that my hurt your friends, not living the word of wisdom or keeping the Sabbath day holy. Are these concepts up for debate or rationalization? We discussed the magnitude of these issues. They came to the conclusion on their own that all wrongs take you away from the Spirit. And hurt both others and yourself. They lead you away from where our Heavenly Father wants you to be. What is there to rationalize? You can never make a wrong right. You are either moving forward or backward. There is no standing still.<br /><br />My older son sent me a newspaper article reporting that ht largest Christian bookstore chain in America would soon open their doors for business on Sunday afternoon. Their rational was two fold: “Churches have their (bookstore) doors open on Sunday, why shouldn’t we?” Many denominations have bookstores within their church and have them open following their services. 2) “What we are commanded to do in Matthew 28:19 doesn’t say, Monday to Saturday, 9 to 5, it’s a 24-7 great commission.”<br /><br />My children enjoyed reading about their reasons why to open on Sunday but comment again that our foundation is firm and truth will never change to meet the desires of the times. As issues and topics come and go it is easy to see how wide the divide is becoming between unalterable truth and the philosophies of men. At the same time it should be easier to recognize the truth that isn’t altered by rationalization.<br /><br />It is wise to guide your children through these times. Your wisdom and testimony will help them hold onto that rod of iron. There is a real “mist of darkness” in the light of day. Our families and Church doctrine are the firm foundation for them unlike the “great and spacious” building that is floating in the air and moves with the trends of the time.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-41638910862799668352009-10-25T17:55:00.000-07:002009-10-25T17:56:10.999-07:00Stay On TargetDuring the holiday season my children asked me to watch the movie “Star Wars” with them so my crocheting came out as the DVD marathon began. We got to the part I the fourth episode as Luke Skywalker and his pilot comrades are on their mission to destroy the Death Star. To complete their goal they need to fly down a long narrow crevice, locate a small hole then send their weapon into it, which will start a chain reaction of destruction. They, of course, are flying at self-destruct speed. The camera is taking you on this journey with them which always makes me close my eyes so my stomach will not self destruct as well. While on the mission you see Luke’s buddies crashing and burning off the sidewalls as the enemy pursues them. You begin to understand the dangers they are up against. One wrong move sends them spiraling off their course. Luke has control command watching his progress and talking to him through his headset. These words rang into my own ears has I heard them telling Luke to, “Stay on target.” Over and over they repeated this directive to him, which helped him focus on the task at hand while not worrying about the chaos that was taking place all around him. These words of advice were repeated several times until finally another voice told him to, “Trust you senses,” so he turned off the radio. He was prepared to listen to the inner voice. In doing so he completed his goal, returned the hero and received his reward. This was a great end to a Hollywood drama.<br /><br />We had a great Gospel discussion as we watched this part of the movie about life and how each of us have a mission to accomplish and how we need to stay focused while the world spins around us. I was not prepared for the call I got just a couple days later that brought this real life narrow crevice into reality. The surprise call was not from one of my children but a girl that I had watched grow up and had mentored thought her teen years. After a brief update on her life she informed me that she was getting married the next week to a non-member whom she had met just a few months before. I, of course, was secretly heartsick. My time for giving advice was over.<br /><br />I became friends with this young woman in her teen years and watched as she earned her young women medallion. I observed her with pride as she became a leader among her friends and excelled in her talents. I shared the drama as she motivated her high school boyfriend to go on a mission while she went off to college. Everything looked promising in her life if she would just stay the course. Then the unpredictable happened. She lost sight of her long-term goals. As she went off to college the constant, “Stay on Target,” voices of mentors and friends were gone. Her missionary came home but she had changed too much him to reach his eternal goals. He went his own way. Money for school ran out so she had to drop out of college. Her life to her seemed to be in a spiral downward spin into that deep crevice. When life got hard she lost sight of what she really wanted. She forgot to listen to the spirit voice that would have guided her through this momentary trial.<br /><br />We women are not only mothers to our own children but we influence everyone with whom we come in contact. I’m sure you’ve heard the cliché, “It take a village to raise a child.” I find this to be true. My own children are better people because of their association with others. Sometimes it is easier for young people to ask advice from a third party rather than their own parents. I am grateful for everyone who has reinforced my values and stands to my children as they have expanded their center of influence.<br /><br />I have thought over and over what happened in this young women’s life? Where did the voices go telling her to, “ Stay on Target?” Did I let her down by not keeping in contact with her? Was her preparation to listen to her own inner voice not complete? I many never know the answers to these questions and it may not be any of these scenarios but I can’t help but wonder.<br /><br />I’ve heard the saying several times that, “Sometimes we trade what we want most for the things we want now.” In our world of instant gratification many of our children want a quick happiness not realizing that true happiness takes years to achieve with many struggles along the way. I wondered if in the lessons I taught this young woman that maybe I prepared her for a wedding instead of a marriage? The two are totally different. One is momentary, an event, whereas the other is eternal. My lessons taught will have a new focus from now on. My own children will be told over and over again that the moment is fleeting. Choices and more importantly their consequences are long lasting sometimes even eternal.<br /><br />My young friend who has made a choice in her life that I would have advised against has not self-destructed. She will continue on and her path will just bring other challenges and choices that she will have to make decisions on. It is my attitude that has changed because of her. I will not let her down again. It may be a different face next time but I have learned form the past. I will always be ther3e to gently say, “Stay on target,” to the children in my realm of influence. We all need that mentor no matter how old we get to remind us what it is, “we really want most!”Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-52261609916836208172009-10-25T17:10:00.000-07:002009-10-25T17:11:42.193-07:00Positive Self-TalkOur older children often joke about “emotional scars” they received during their growing up years in our home. Whenever we get together they enjoy reminiscing about their memories and poking fun at our parenting. I just hope, deep down, that I have been able to raise my children to adulthood without too much trauma to their personalities. The only scar to which I’ll admit taking blame for is the male pattern baldness gene that they got from my Grandmother’s father which really is so far removed from me that it shouldn’t matter. Nevertheless, we all need to blame our faults on someone so my broad shoulders will bear the burden. Each time baldness is brought up I do remind my sons that they all had a full head of hair until they left home.<br /><br />Seriously, one scar that I never wanted my children to have was low self-esteem. I have seen the abuse given to some children as their mother belittled and humiliated them in public. My heart would ache as I wished I could take those children home with me and love them. I never wanted my children to feel that kind of humiliation.<br /><br />Each child’s personality is so different and it is often a difficult struggle to find out what positive reinforcement approach works. No matter what I did some of my children still had struggles developing a good self-image. I wonder if this is more the rule than the exception in their path to adulthood. Being noticed in a positive way brings a sense of reward and gratification and aids in self-perception. The road to good self-esteem is an individual journey with both cheering and jeering from the sidelines. The important point is to protect against those negative comments coming from the sidelines while helping them internalize the positive ones.<br /><br />I read a great book several years ago that helped me to understand this concept. The title is, What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, by Shad Helmstetter. I would highly recommend this book if you have a child with self-defeating behavioral patterns. The main concept of the book promotes replacing the many negative thought you tell yourself each day and changing them in positive thoughts. For example, don’t say, <br />“Today was a rough day.” Change your thoughts to see the day as, “So many good things happened today.”<br /><br />A secret I learned long ago is, “Tell your child that he is what you want him to become.” For instance, “John, you are such a kind young man,” or, “Annie, I love the way you show wisdom in the decisions your make.” The more they think about your comments the more those positive reinforcement will affect whom they become. With so much negative out there we as mother need to be the positive force behind their self-image. Self-confidence is produced just as it is stated… SELF… A child becomes what they are told they are and what they tell themselves they are. It doesn’t take a Doctorate in Child Development to come to this conclusion or to help your child overcome self-doubt. It takes love, patience and a lot of positive reinforcement.<br />Once when reading in Isaiah, verse 61:3 the phrase “the garment of praise” caught my attention causing me to ponder and reflect on its meaning. As mothers we make sure our children are properly clothed and fed, taught personal hygiene, and that they learn proper manners and etiquette so society will accept them. But what about clothing them with daily praise as they live in your home so they will accept themselves? As they learn to accept who they are the approval of their peers becomes less and less important and they become more self-confidence rather than peer-confident. <br /><br />Years ago I read a study that revealed when a child leaves home for the day he receives at least five negative comments about himself from other people before the first recess at school. How important is it that we reinforce their positive image at home? Very important! No one really cares about your child with the same interest or intensity as his or her mother. Only rarely do you find a teacher or friend who has the same concern about your child as you do. You are the one who cheers the loudest from the sideline on his journey to self-confidence. It is your voice he hears the loudest.<br /><br />If you listen to your children you can tell how they feel about themselves. They will give you both negative and positive feedback clues. How many times have you heard some of these comments, “I didn’t have any friends to play with today,” or “I had the best time at recess,” or “My classes are too hare,” or “My teacher told me today that I read very well.” These statements reflect their inner self-perceptions allowing you, their mother, to gauge their self-image.<br /><br />As they grow older the nature of their comments change but not their subtle meaning. They are telling you how they feel the world sees them and also how they perceive themselves as an individual. We need to listen and help them sift through all the comments they hear and teach them to eliminate the negative and internalize the positive. Internalizing everyone’s comments throughout his life your child starts to tell himself who he is and those thoughts make him the person he really becomes.<br /><br />Hopefully, your child grown to adulthood will be able to look at his thinning hairline and realize that one’s character is not judged by the thickness of their hair. This will mean that self-confidence has truly been achieved.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-62253585070996271762009-10-25T11:49:00.000-07:002009-10-25T11:50:04.532-07:00Motherhood DrawbacksI’ve come to realize that our calling of Motherhood has some difficult emotions. When your child reaches adulthood you find yourself out of a job! This summer we enjoyed the wedding of our fourth child, Steven. He married a wonderful girl at the right time and in the right place. We are thrilled for them, but my “baby blues” came after the reception when the ribbons and bows were put away and the chairs were stacked neatly in the corner. With all the happiness that surrounds a wedding why do I have this empty feeling that a part of me is gone?<br /><br />Everyone seems to move on with life but as a mother, more than anyone else, you deeply feel the transition that needs to take place. No longer can unsolicited advice flow freely to your child. That day has past and the time you’ve so long prepared your child for has come. This time a paradox is created, sadness that the apron strings are cut and happiness that your goal to successfully prepare you child to leave home has been achieved. A mother must now move out of her comfort zone and put on another hat, or as I refer to it, “move over to the next chair.” This new role is a hard transition to make. The chair that you now need to sit in has a bold sign posted above it that reads, “This person will only give advice when asked.” At first it is a difficult seat to feel comfortable in. It is a big adjustment to instantly stop mothering when you have worked so hard to perfect those skills during the past twenty plus years.<br /><br />What can we do to alter our approach as a mother? Is it possible to stay close to adult children while maintain the ability to properly influence them? It is now important for us to put those mothering skills we have gained towards a new focus. We need to become their friend not their parent. The key work is the last sentence is “their.” No longer is your child single because with marriage the relationship has become a package deal, involving your child’s spouse as well. You must become your new son-in-law’s or daughter-in-law’s best supporter and biggest advocate, just as you did while mothering your own child. <br /><br />The question to ask oneself is, “What really makes a good friend?’ In my opinion a friend is someone who 1) never judges but loves me for who I am, 2) doesn’t expect friendship on their terms, 3) always encourages but doesn’t say, “I told you so” when my plan doesn’t work, 4) gives honest advice when asked but never requires me to follow it, 5) is there for me when the chips are down but doesn’t bale me out of every challenge I face and 6) listens without offering opinions. This makes a good friend in my view but more importantly a good mother to adult children.<br /><br />I hope I’m not alone in my feelings. This transition is hard but I am beginning to see the rewards of moving over to the “Next chair.” It is the one with the title posted above it that reads, “grandmother.” In fact that title has it’s own unique sense of power built on love, wisdom and patience. When intertwined together these qualities create an influence for a grandchild that even his own parent (your child) will never have. So when asked what I want to become after all my children are gone, my reply is simply, “A Grandmother.”Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-33123578038644796882009-10-25T11:04:00.000-07:002009-10-25T11:05:14.488-07:00Large FamiliesEvery now and then a mother gets rewarded for the work she puts into raising her family and I had a payday just this week. An editorial was printed in our local newspaper written by a woman entitle, “California Can’t Survive Large Families.” Her point of view centered on the cost to the taxpayers for raising and educating, “all these children” from large families. She also expressed a dislike for “organizations” that encourage large families. She was not targeting our faith but referenced churches.<br /><br />This article opened a floodgate of conversation around our home because our children swear that they learned how to survive because they were raised in a large family. Where else can you learn the skill of sitting down to dinner, sizing up what is placed before you and in seconds find the largest portions of food on the serving plates. They knew right where to strike as soon as the blessing was said. Maybe survival has a different meaning to my children but they have learned to never be the last one at the dinner table. The responses I heard from them about her article was my reward. I would like to share with you what my children had to say about large families.<br /><br />“We have driven through California and we saw a lot of open space our there for more people.”<br /><br />“I think it is fun to have a lot of family around. She must have had a bad experience as a child with her family. Maybe she was an only child and doesn’t realize how great the support is of siblings and parents who are there for you.”<br /><br />“Her point of view must be coming from somewhere we have never been. She views all people as takers, not givers to society. Aren’t we supposed to help those who can’t give then teach them how to give?”<br /><br />“We turn to each other when we need help. She must not understand support in a family and that we are here for each other.”<br /><br />“I don’t see our large family as a burden to society. We have all been raised to give back more than we are given. I wonder how she raised her own children? Did she make them feel like they were in her way?”<br /><br />These comments made about this woman and her editorial’s point of view are, of course, only my children’s assumptions as to her background and upbringing but it demonstrated to me that having a large family has been and is a pleasant experience for my children. It is not the number of children in a family that is important, but rather how they are raised that determines whether they are a liability or as asset to society. We, as LDS families, have a ready-made culture that teaches us the “hard work” ethic and the importance of being service oriented. When a child is raised with this foundation they become givers to society, not takers. It is true that the average LDS family size is larger than the norm but I have never been informed that the number of children in a family unit has any influence on the quality of individuals that we send out into the world, whether or not that child comes from a small or large family. From my point of view it is the gospel principles that teach more than the size of family.<br /><br />This is just another reason why we need to set the best example we can to the world. Because human nature leads us to want to be like the successful person or family in this case, we, as LDS, can set a standard and share the foundation of the gospel with others. The way to “Resolve the world’s ‘too many children’ dilemma,” is to share the truths of the gospel with everyone.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-27445555044482891352009-10-25T11:02:00.000-07:002009-10-25T11:03:48.848-07:00Success As A MotherWhen my birthday approached as my children were growing up they would ask what present they could get me. My response was always the same, “I want a clean, quiet house.” With eight children all living active, busy and often noisy lives that was the greatest gift I could desire. As my most recent birthday approached a month ago I received a note from one of my married sons. He told me that since his room was already clean and that he wasn’t around to be either noisy or quiet he would have to settle with telling me what a great mom I have been. I was very touched because not just ten minutes earlier I had been questioning my abilities as a mother, grandmother and mother-in-law. I do not know why we women are so hard on ourselves but we are. Such negative introspection just seems to be built in our make-up. It is as if we carry this backpack full of guilt and thoughts on why we aren’t as good as someone else. I’m starting to realize that motherhood is an imperfect science. There are too many variables that enter in and too many different personalities and situations in child rearing that can influence and alter the results you desire. That “agency” factor comes into play too many times.<br /><br />I read an article the other day that gave me great insight and I would like to pass on this bit of information. Written by Howard W. Hunter in the November 1983 Ensign he provided counsel on being a parent in the world. I find that truth does not need a date to be pertinent. “A successful parent is one who has loved, one who has sacrificed, and one who has cared for, taught and ministered to the needs of a child. If you have done all of these and your child is still wayward or troublesome or worldly, it could well be that you are, nevertheless, a successful parent. Perhaps there are children who have come into the world that would challenge any set of parents under any set of circumstances. Likewise, perhaps there are others who would bless the lives of and be a joy to almost any father or mother.”<br /><br />These words give me comfort for several reasons. It helps to explain the variables that exist while raising a child and helps me realize that the measurement of success is not in the worldly honors, fame or glory that your child earns or even the callings they receive in the Church. Success is simply the ability to love.<br /><br />Several years ago I saw a sign posted in a dentist office that I have often reflected upon. It stated, “The only things you owe your child are: 1. A religious upbringing; 2. An education; 3. Straighten their teeth.” I have found that to be true. Our responsibility as a mother is not in your child’s success but in their foundation. They choose what is built upon that foundation. The teachings of the gospel give them an understanding of eternal principles and laws; an education enables them an understanding of life, preparation to provide for themselves and others and to give back to society; and straight teeth provides oneself a positive self-esteem and confidence. Together they afford a child the ability to achieve and strive for higher goals.<br /><br />My house is clean and much quieter than it used to be. My children come home far too infrequently, just for visits. The foundations have been formed. Now is the time to watch and enjoy the structures that are built on those foundations.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2728191002538562624.post-28636118887888984032009-10-25T11:00:00.000-07:002009-10-25T11:01:58.910-07:00Religious DifferencesMy Son came home from high school one day and expressed to me that his best friend from the year before had approached him about “the Mormon Church,” telling him about a class he was taking at his church and how wrong it was to be a Mormon. The friend was warning him and expressed to my son the need to learn about the mistakes he was making by being a Mormon. My son was unmoved about his so-called folly. His foundation of gospel knowledge and testimony was in tact. What really bothered him was his friend, who was changed from being his friend almost overnight. He could not understand this deviation in his friend’s behavior and opinion of him. What made this transformation in his friend is the clue to what happened. How we as mothers handle this situation is crucial to your child’s growth in social understanding and gospel steadfastness.<br /><br />I received insight into this issue during the past week as I attended an open forum featuring Jan Shipps. She has a Doctorate in L.D.S. History and has been lecturing for the past 40 years declaring the Mormon Church is a Christian Church and should be recognized as such. The interesting fact is that she is not a member of the LDS church but an active member of the United Methodist Church. Somehow this gives her more credibility among the non-LDS groups. The forum I attended was open for ministers from all religions and was held at the School of Theology in Claremont, California. I went because I wanted to meet her as I have read several of her books.<br /><br />The meeting invited an open setting with all of us facing in a circle. Questions and answers were discussed in a very educated, non-spiritual, straightforward way. With several ministers there from other faiths my curiosity was peaked and I could not help raising my hand and asking a question directed to them as leaders of their own flocks. I queried, “What is it that makes you so afraid of our church that you need to educated your youth against us?” Before anyone could respond I asked a follow-up question, “What can we do to build tolerance and understanding between our church and yours?”<br /><br />I feel strongly that living in a diverse religious environment we to recognize not only our differences but also need to teach acceptance of each other as individuals in spite of those differences. We need to concentrate on how we are alike, not different. Los Angeles was just recognized as the city boasting the most religions in one concentrated area surpassing London, the previous leader. Our world especially here in California is a melting pot for religions so understanding and tolerating our differences needs to take place. I was able to express my point of view to these clergy in a very open manner. <br /><br />I was interested in these clergies’ perception of us as a religion. Be it right or wrong they view us as a people who tell their youth that, “we are right and you are wrong.” One very outspoken clergy commented that our people have an almost arrogant, better than you attitude. His own experiences must have led him to this conclusion. If I remember church history correctly that attitude got the early Saints in a lot of trouble in Missouri. Needless to say, they see our youth as a threat to their your, potentially leading them away form their religious beliefs. They feel their youth need to be armed to ward off our advances. I don’t agree with these concepts but accepted their point of view.<br /><br />The question is what can we do about this whole situation? Understanding the points they made and understanding where we are coming from I see that a line of demarcation needs to be established. A demilitarized zone atmosphere needs to be implemented so relationships of trust can be developed. The rest of the forum was a discussion on building tolerance and acceptance in spite of our differences, working together on community events and teaching these concepts to our congregations. <br /><br />One concept that was discussed and agreed upon unanimously is the fact that the LDS church has changed from a “We take care of our own” concept to “We take care of the world” concept. They all knew of the generosity of our humanitarian programs and also acknowledged our activity in various communities inter-faith councils. I really felt those clergy walked away with a new understanding about us as a people.<br /><br />Back to my son on his daily life in a high school where youth are taught that “Mormonism” is bad. I first told him I couldn’t think of a better role model than Mormon who stood strong when everyone was against him. Secondly, I can’t change what other religions teach their people, even though the forum I attended was a good start. I can, however, influence my son’s understanding of people and their fears. I have told him of other religions’ perception of us stealing their youth away from their own religious background and how important it is to be the best friend and best example of who he is and what he represents. His standards and goodness will always win over fear and misunderstanding. Confidence is one’s own beliefs do not mean the need to prove someone to be wrong to strengthen your own position. Truth and the spirit has it’s own natural way of drawing others to you.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0